Fears

I admit it, I'm afraid.

For the past week, I've really been struggling with my fears for these babies.  I find myself obsessing over questions like:  Are they okay?  Are they growing?  Why don't I have more symptoms?  Should I be more tired/bloated/nauseous? Why hasn't morning sickness started?  Why aren't my boobs sore? Shouldn't I need to pee more often? (and the big one) Are we going to miscarry??

If you could see my internet browsing history, you'd notice I've turned to Google on quite a few instances to calm my fears. 

And it just needs to stop.

Yesterday, all of this come to a head as I sat on my couch, drenching my husband's shoulder in hot tears, and cried out all of my fears for our babies.  We sat that way for a long time, Adam just listening.  And when my cries had finally dulled to a whimper, he looked at me, smiled, kissed my nose and said: Oh baby.  Hasn't God already taken us this far?  Hasn't he been faithful every step of the way? He's not going to abandon us now. 

I love that man. 

We sat and talked for a long time after that, both realizing we had the same fears, but also realizing that this isn't a journey we can walk alone.  And it was then that I realized some very important things:

1. I'll never stop worrying about these babies.  I'll never stop wanting what's best for them.  I'll never stop longing to protect and insulate them from all the pain and trial this world has to offer.  And I think that's okay.  But I also realized that all that worrying isn't going to do me a darn bit of good.  Because, let's face it--as much as I love them and want to insulate them....I can't.  There's nothing I can do.  I have to give them over, wholly and completely, to the One who knew them before He ever placed them in my womb.  I have to trust that He has already numbered all of their days, and I have to know, deep in my soul, that as much as I love them....it doesn't and never will compare to His love for them. 

Phew.  That's hard...but God's leading me through this one, and I'm determined to follow.

2. I need to stop assuming that my pregnancy will conform to what other people may experience.  I need to stop wishing for symptoms (lately, praying for morning sickness....I think that might be a sickness in itself) and neglecting to give thanks for God's faithfulness, and the easy ride I've had so far.   I need to remember that God has already given me so much to be grateful for--first and foremost, a pregnancy that we prayed for, dreamed of, and waited over a year to be blessed with--but also for two separate beta tests that revealed hCG levels that were not just present, but that were in the high range for normal.  And let's not forget that our due date is five years to the day after Adam proposed.  These things are not coincidences.  God knows what a worrier I can be, and I know He has given me all these signs to say look, little one, I'm here and I don't want you to be afraid.  Just trust me!  What a blessing, that in my weakness, He is strong....



So now, we wait.  And we trust.  Our first ultrasound is Monday morning, and at that appointment we'll be able to see the sac, the little tiny baby, and hear the heartbeat.  I'm still praying for two babies.  That's how many we put in, and that's how many we want out. 

Between now and then, Adam and I come to you again asking for your prayers.  First and foremost, for our babies.  We ask you to join us in praying God's protection over them as they develop and grow. 

But we also ask you to pray for us, as parents.  That we may learn, each day, to give up more of who we are in favor of who we are becoming in Christ.  We ask you to pray for peace, that we may feel it and know it deep in our soul, and for trust as we commit these precious, tiny lives to the Father. 

We still have a lot to learn, but the three of us (Adam, me, and our Savior) are going to keep walking this road together......one step at a time. 

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth."

Psalms 12:1-2

One more thing....

Today, Adam and I realized something that was pretty amazing.

Our due date, 8/24/2011, is exactly five years from the day that Adam asked me to marry him (8/24/2006).  Can I get an amen?

I don't know how I managed to miss that for a good solid week, but when it hit me today I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I thanked God for his incredible faithfulness.  Seriously.  How cool is that?  All my silly little plans, all my prayers that started with "you know God, this would be a GREAT month for a baby, because nine months from now is...."  and now this.  I couldn't have picked a more perfect day to welcome a baby into the world, and of course, God knew that all along.  He has (again) revealed His sovereignty and faithfulness in my life.  What a mighty God we serve!!!

"May Your unfailing love be my comfort, according to Your promise to your servant."

Psalms 119:6

Catching Up

This post is going to be my attempt at catching up on all the excitement of the past few weeks.  And prepare yourselves...because it's a long one!!  

I'm starting (instead of ending) with a prayer request..because this post is long, and if you read nothing else I want you to read this!!

Prayer Request

Adam and I knew from the beginning of this process that we would not wait until after the first trimester to share the news of our pregnancy.  How could we?  We’ve asked you to pray with us and to walk this journey alongside us.  We have been so touched at how deeply so many of you have felt this right alongside us.  Not just the low moments, but also the incredible highs.  My heart was so full of love on Thursday, even before we found out, as I read your texts, emails and comments sharing your own excitement and anticipation of the results we had yet to receive.  You have felt this with us, and we are touched.
 

As of today, I’ve five weeks along.  I know that qualifies me as just a teeny-tiny bit pregnant.   I also know that the first trimester can be a dangerous time for growing babies.  And so, our greatest prayer request is that you just cover (smother!) our babies with prayers.  That you join us in praying God’s protection over them as they grow and mature inside of me, and that they be delivered safely into our waiting arms in August.  

Adam and I have claimed this verse for these babies, and have been praying it over them every night:

“He tends to His flock like a shepherd, He gathers the little lambs in His arms, He carries them close to His heart.” Isaiah 40:11

Will you join us in praying that God will gather these little lambs in His arms and carry them close to His heart?  That His mercy and grace will cover their lives from head to toe, and that He will guarantee their continued health and safety over the next 8 months?

Fertilization Report

On Tuesday, December 7^th we got our final fertilization report.   

Apparently the first time around there had a bit of a miscommunication, because out of the 15 that fertilized, the 13 babies we thought had made it to culture was actually only 12.  The others had never divided.

Those 12 were then placed in culture for five days.  On the day of our transfer (culture day 5), we had two blastocysts that were healthy and strong and ready for a shot in the baby-maker!  Those are the two that were transferred, and we now know, (at least one) attached to the uterine wall. 

At that time, the embryologist told us that we had several that had not divided since day 2.  She explained that they had “arrested”—meaning, they were no longer growing.  She also told us that we had a few others that had begun to degenerate; again, they were no longer dividing.  We also had some that looked great—that were on the verge of becoming blasts and were healthy and happy in their culture environment. 

After talking about it with our doctor, we decided to hold the “on the verge” embryos in culture for an extra two days to see if they would divide any further.  Adam and I made it clear that any division—and we didn’t care if we were talking one cell a week—indicated a living baby and we were determined to give it a shot at life.  The embryologist told us it was “improbable” that these babies would ever attach and be born.  We told her our God is the miracle-maker, and as long as these babies are dividing, they are alive and precious to us.  She agreed to do as we had asked, and freeze any baby that was dividing...regardless of how fast.

Two days after the transfer, we got the call with the final fertilization report.  Originally, our doctor had told us to expect that about 1/3 of the fertilized embryos would make it to be transferred and/or frozen.  That is just the natural atrophy rate that they undergo.  For us, out of our original 12 in culture, we transferred two and froze four….for a total of 6. 

When I got that news, I immediately felt hot little tears running down my face.  I was thrilled with the healthy embryos (all four that were frozen had made it to blasts) but was also mourning the loss of our other precious babies.  I was already in love with them.   

I called Adam, who called OHSU, and we asked for more information about those that we’d lost.  I wanted to know everything about their lives, and everything about how they had died.  We learned that three had degenerated to the point where no cell division was happening, and the embryo itself was losing its cellular integrity. The other three had all arrested—they were held in culture until day 7 (at our request), and those three hadn’t divided since day 2.   That gave us the closure we needed.  We believe that life begins at conception, and because we believe that, we also believe that God has already welcomed these precious babies back into His arms….and someday, when we get to heaven, we’ll meet them.  Between now and then, I rest in the knowledge that they are in the presence of their Father.  And I've asked Him to give them a giant hug from us. 

So now here we are.  We’ve got babies (hopefully two) in the oven, and four in the frozen nursery.  We pray for all six of those babies on a daily basis, and we ask that you join us. 

December 16, 2010

As you already know, December 16^th was a day that forever changed our lives.

At 7:30AM, we had an appointment at OHSU to have blood drawn.  It was a quick appointment—just a needle stick—and then we were headed back to Salem with the understanding that we would hear the news (pregnant or not pregnant) after 2PM. 

Adam and I both went to work.  Since we wouldn’t hear until late in the afternoon, there was no reason to take the whole day off.  Instead, we both took a half-day, and after a very anxious morning, I picked up Adam from work and we went and had lunch.  By the time we had finished eating, it was a little after 1, and before heading home we decided to take a drive and tour the tornado damage in and around Aumsville.  We had just gotten into Shaw (about five minutes from our house) when my phone started to ring.  It was only 1:46.  My heart was pounding out of chest. 

It was OHSU.

I frantically told Adam to pull the car over, and as soon as it was in park, I thrust my phone into his hands and told him he had to answer.  From the moment he picked up the phone, I knew it was good news. 

Is this Adam?

Yes

Adam, this is Christie.  I have your test results.  Are you ready…?

(deep breath, eyes locked with mine) We’re ready

Mandy’s pregnant!!!

(tears, tears, and more tears)

She gave us some other information—my beta level was 144 and my progesterone level was 20 (both good)—and made another appointment for a second blood test to check my levels the following Monday. 

But I wasn’t really paying attention to any of that, because I had just found out I was pregnant.   

Adam hung up the phone, we prayed prayers of thanksgiving—tears falling, hearts soaring, love abounding—and held each other for a long moment.  What precious time.  After more than a year of waiting, hoping and praying…our Almighty God, in His goodness and love, absolutely delivered.  He walked us through the valley and put our feet on top of the mountain.  He is worthy of ALL our praise!!

After that, we needed to tell our family.  I had told my parents the week before that I was taking a half-day so that I could surprise Adam with the news while he was at work.  However, in reality, this was a set-up so Adam and I could surprise my parents with the news.  Since this process hasn’t exactly been secretive, it was really the only way we’d have the opportunity to announce our pregnancy. 

The first phone call I made was to my mom.  She was out shopping.  I told her that I didn’t want to get the call from OHSU all alone, and asked if she would meet me at my parent’s house to wait it out with me.  Of course she agreed. 

Then, we drove to my dad’s office.  Adam called him and told him I was having car trouble at school—something about the alternator—and asked if he could borrow my dad’s truck to go help me out (we carpool to work).  Of course my dad agreed, and said he’d meet Adam in the parking lot to hand off the keys.  When he came out of the building, I was standing in the bushes and Adam was on the opposite side.  He saw Adam immediately.  As he handed Adam the keys, he started asking about what was wrong with the car and offering his jumper cables…..

The whole time he was talking, Adam was grinning at him with this stupid grin on his face. 

I think my dad was starting to wonder what was up, and he looked over his shoulder to see what Adam kept looking at.  That’s when he saw me.  He knew immediately.  He enveloped me in his arms as we told him he was going to be a grandpa.  What a special, precious moment.

Then we drove to my parent’s house to meet my mom.  We decided that I would go in first, and after a few minutes, Adam would follow.   So I went inside, found my mom at the kitchen table, and started chatting with her about the day.  She was so anxious and excited to hear the news. 

We had just started discussing whether or not we should do some shopping while we waited when Adam walked in the door.  My mom knew immediately.  She screamed, cried, and held us both in gigantic hugs. 

After we had celebrated a while, my mom informed me with a smile that she had already known.  She said she had been driving to the dog groomer earlier in the day when tears just started rolling down her face.  She knew then.  God has told her, placed in on her heart, that I was pregnant. 

It was such a gift to be able to celebrate with my precious parents.

After that, it was a whirlwind of phone calls.  I had been desperately trying to get hold of my brother at work, and Adam had been busy calling all of his family and filling them in.  Everyone was excited.  We felt so blessed and so loved. 

Recent Updates

On Monday, we were back up at OHSU at 7:30 to have everything confirmed with a second blood test.  They wanted to see my hormone levels rising appropriately, and just like last time, told us we’d get the news after 2PM.  

We were thrilled to find out that my hormone levels had risen from 144 on Thursday to 754 on Monday.  They were only looking to see a 60% increase from Thursday to Monday, and clearly, we exceeded that. 

Now we are anxiously anticipating 10AM on January 3^rd, when we will hear the heartbeat and see how many babies are currently in the oven.  We’re praying for two—that’s how many we put in, and that’s how many we want out!

The harvest

There are moments in life that literally take your breath away. Moments that you know, no matter what else happens in your life, you will never forget.

For me, the first was the day Adam proposed.  I can remember everything about that magical night, right down to the clothes I wore and the way he squeezed my hand extra hard as we made our way up to the lighthouse.

The next was our wedding day.  Nothing will ever match the feeling of JOY I felt as I stood before all our friends and family, in the sight of our Lord and Savior, and took vows and made promises to last my whole life through.   

And the latest?

Getting the phone call that we’ve been praying for and dreaming of for over a year and a half.   

We’re going to be parents. 

Oh the joy!!

Thank you for praying, for loving on us, and for feeling this right along with us.  We are so touched.  We ask now that you keep praying.  This feels so much like the finish line, but I’m only four weeks pregnant and these babies are just beginning their journey into our arms.  Please join us in covering them in our prayers—praying for their protection and continued health and safety.  We’re so in love.

We have scheduled our ultrasound to hear the heartbeat (and see how many babies we’ll be welcoming into our arms) on December 30^th. 

I have so much to say, so many feelings I want to express…but for now, I just want to give praise.

And this is my prayer in the harvest

When mercy and providence flow

I know I’m filled to be emptied again

The seed I’ve received I will sow

We are so thankful for the precious, precious gift we have been given.  God has entrusted us with a life.  It's humbling.  It brings us to our knees.

More to come....

Without futher ado....

.....I'd like to introduce you to my babies!!!

This will be the first photo in the baby books.  Miraculous.  If you blow the picture up and look right where the tip of the arrow is pointing, there is a tiny white dot....those are our babies!

Pregnancy test the week of Christmas.....no better present than THAT!

Please join us in covering our precious babies (inside the womb and out!) in PRAYER!

A letter to my babies

To my precious, precious babies,

You don’t know this, but I’ve been writing letters to you for years. 

The first time was right after daddy and I were married, when we were living in our 900-square foot condo and would sit together on the couch, laughing and dreaming about the future we’d create together. 

I started writing letters to you way back then, because I wanted you to know that you were already part of those dreams.  We could never have imagined a world without you in it.  We loved you even then.  

It’s important that you know that, because it’s important that you know how much we’ve always, always wanted you.  We planned for you from the very beginning. 

As your mommy, I’ve been dreaming of you my whole life.  I’ve dreamed of counting your ten tiny little fingers and toes, I’ve longed to hear what your giggle will sound like, and my arms have ached with the emptiness of waiting to hold you.  I’ve wondered how your daddy’s big, beautiful blue eyes will look on a tiny baby, and I’ve smiled in sweet anticipation of you inheriting his silly sense of humor.  God has blessed you richly, little one, in the gift of such a wonderful, loving daddy.  I can’t wait for you to meet him.   

I smile as I anticipate experiencing all your firsts.  I can’t wait to comfort you when you cry, to see my own incredible joy reflected on your face every time our eyes meet, and to watch you grow into the person God made you to be.  

I just can’t imagine loving you more than I already do, and I haven’t even met you yet.  When that day finally arrives, oh the joy that will fill my heart. 

Our journey to you didn’t go as we had originally planned in those early days of marriage, but as we look back now, we wouldn’t change a thing.   The path we’ve traveled has been bumpy and filled with heartache, but it was also filled with joy.  As we look back, we can see that it was the potholes along the way that have made our journey to you so beautiful. 

God’s plan has been perfect. 

He has walked us through the heartache of your absence—of waiting for you, praying for you, and fighting for you.  There were moments of pain and tears that will only be overshadowed by the joy we feel when you’re finally in our arms.  That’s the sweetest anticipation I’ve ever know, little one. 

December 1, 2010 was your conception day.  I’ve been calling this your Hope Day—the day that God blessed us with the hope of you.  I want to celebrate it with you each year of your life, I want to tell you about our journey—your journey--and I want to encourage you with the love of so many who have prayed for you for so long before your birth. 

You are precious to us, and our hearts yearn for you.  We will love you all the days of your life.    

Even now, as we await your birthday, we pray daily for God’s protection over you—that He will bless your little lives and deliver you safely into our waiting arms.

We can't wait to meet you.

With all of our love,

your parents

Forever Changed

We got the call.  We're parents.  I can't explain that joy.......

Here's the run down:

Of the 46 eggs they harvested from me yesterday, only 15 were mature.

I just have to pause here and give some praise.  46 eggs and 15 were mature.  Not 14, not 16, but exactly fifteen.  Fifteen was the maximum number of eggs we had agreed to inseminate based on what we believe and based on our commitment to each embryo as a baby.  What an awesome God we serve!! If only 20 eggs had been collected, as our doctor anticipated, we wouldn't have ended up with enough for insemination.  I thought 46 was overkill, but God knew the perfect number.  Thank you sweet Jesus.

Our doctor expected that if we inseminated 15, we might end up with around 8 that fertilized and became embryos, and when all was said and done, we'd take maybe two or three babies home from the hospital....and he thought that would be a generous estimate. That accounts for embryos that (just like in nature) will stop dividing and are no longer alive and growing, as well as those that are transferred but (just like in nature) never attach to the uterine wall.

So, when we got the call this morning that all fifteen had fertilized, I just about hit the floor.  That's a 100% success rate right there.

Shortly thereafter, were told that two of the embryos did not make it to culture.  That means that they did not survive to make it to their own little home-away-from-home for the next 48ish hours until the transfer.  We mourn the loss of those babies--our babies--and pray that God will envelop them back into His arms, since ours will never get to hold them.  I know that God's plan is perfect, and we simultaneously rejoice in the 13 that are now growing.  We are committed to each and every one of them.  Their shot at life is guaranteed, because we'll come back for them all.

And I'm a mom.  Adam is a dad.  Those are OUR babies--half of me, and half of the man I love.  They're ours, no matter what the outcome.  I've waited so long for this, and the feeling I have just knowing that they're there, waiting for me, brings me to my knees.  Nothing compares.  Nothing.  It's joy like I've never known.  God has been so faithful to us, and His hand ever-present in this whole process. Thank you Lord. 

Our most fervent prayer, for now and for always, is for our babies.  Please join us in praying God's protection over these sweet little ones that are now growing and waiting for their chance at life.  Some of them will wait longer than others, and we ask you to join us in praying that God will "gather the little lambs in His arms, and carry them close to His heart" as He promises to do in Isaiah 40:11.  They are precious to us, just as they are to God. 

Those are our babies.  All 13 of them.  And we are in love.

A love song for my babies

Sidewalk Prophets "The Words I Would Say"

It's three in the morning,
And I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope You're going to do great things,
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way  
These are the words I would say.... 


Still waiting for the call.  A watched phone never rings, right??

December 1, 2010

Happy Conception Day to my babies!!!  As I type this, there are baby Breitensteins growing and dividing and waiting for the chance to be born.  We are SO committed to giving it to them. I keep thinking about their little lives.....I am wholly, completely in love.  <3

Today went well.  God is SO faithful, and we continue to be in awe of his mercies that are ever new.   I woke up this morning with excitement and joy.  We felt your prayers just surrounding us, and we were both so at peace as the whole thing got underway.  Thank you.  We love our doctor, and know that God has placed him in our lives for a reason.  We also got to meet the lab doctor who will actually be making our babies--what a kind gentleman he was.  I shook his hand and told him to take good care of my precious little ones :)

Our doctor had expected to get 20 or so eggs to choose from, but when it was all said and done he ended up extracting a whopping 46.  The anesthesiologist said is the most she'd ever seen taken out of one person! Obviously, they aren't going to use all of those to create 46 embryos, but what it DOES mean is that they'll get to choose the very best ones to make our babies <3 We are expecting a call tomorrow telling us how many embryos fertilized, and then sometime between Saturday and Tuesday they will be transferred back to my baby-maker.  Amen and hallelujah!!

Right now, I'm lying in my comfy bed with my two four-legged babies sprawled out beside me.  My wonderful husband had been an absolute saint today, catering to my every whim and making sure I'm taking all my medications at the right time.  I feel good (admittedly due to some pretty sweet pain meds) but a little uncomfortable.  Because they took so many eggs, my doctor asked me to spend the day in bed to make sure I don't develop hyperstimulated ovaries.   At the moment, they kind of feel like beach balls with little spikes on the outside.  But, like I said, all is well in the world once I pop that pain pill :) A little loopy and a lot tired, but good.  And don't worry, I spell checked this three times to make sure you aren't a victim of my sloppy typing today :)

But I don't even care about all of that.  I'd do it over again in a heartbeat.  Why? 

Because Adam and I made babies today. 

Pre-Retrieval

Tomorrow, Adam and I are going in for the egg retrieval.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

We have to be there at 7AM for check-in, and then the procedure itself will last from about 7:30-8:30AM.  I'll be under anesthesia, but not all the way under.  They call it "twilight"....your guess on what that means is as good as mine.

I won't describe exactly what will be happening during the procedure, but if you want to read about it, you can here.

Just as soon as they have my eggs, they'll take them into the lab and fertilize them using Adam's little swimmers.  On Thursday morning, we'll get a call to let us know how many eggs fertilized.

Please join us in praying God's protection over these newly formed lives--that they will make it through this initial stage and that God will give me the opportunity to have these babies grow inside of me.

Once we've gotten that call, we're just waiting until the baby embryos are ready to be transferred back to me.  The lab technicians will look at them the day after the retrieval to see how many have fertilized, but then won't look at them again until the morning of the 3rd day (Saturday).  When we leave tomorrow, we'll have an appointment for a Saturday morning transfer of babies, but when the doctors take a look at our babies Saturday morning, they may decide to push the transfer day back.  So, our transfer could fall anywhere between Saturday and Tuesday.

And then, it's just a waiting game.

We are SO close....

"He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young."

Isaiah 40:11

I heard this verse on the radio today, and it just stuck in my head all day long.  What a tender image of our God.  He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart.  

What a beautiful, beautiful message of love.  I'm holding onto that as I deal with my own uncertainty about what is to come.  I know my Savior is holding me close to His heart, carrying me in His arms. 

What more could I possibly ask for?

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 7

I am feeling very content.

On Thursday, we enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving at my parent's house.  We are so blessed to have such an amazing family to be thankful for, and our day was filled with laughter and the company of some of the most precious people in our life.  I ended the day with a full belly and an equally full heart.  Family is such a tremendous blessing. 

Although my mom did the major cooking, I did do my part.  This was my contribution to Thanksgiving dinner:

Yumm.  That is a pumpkin chocolate cake with a brown sugar/butter drizzle frosting topped with toffee crumbles.  And around the bottom, I made dessert "acorns" (donut holes, frosted and then rolled in toffee crumbles with a pretzel for the stem) just to make it look pretty.  And no, the leaves are not edible.  It was a delicious, but after dinner I dumped what was left of it.  No way I'm taking that thing home to munch on over the next few weeks...!

Yesterday, I did not do any Black Friday shopping.  I didn't go to a single store.  This is a first for me.  Instead, Adam and I were up in Portland having some blood work and another ultrasound done to check on my progress with the stimulation medications.  More about that later.

After that appointment, we encountered a little bit of traffic on the freeway trying to get back to Salem.  Why?  Because the Ducks were playing Arizona at Autzen at 4PM....which we were profoundly aware of because we had TICKETS!  My parents surprised us and my brother with tickets to the game, and we were stoked.  Adam jumped around like a little kid on Christmas morning (...don't tell him I said that!)

Ready to roll!  They were trying to do a "stripe out" at the game, so depending on the section you sat in, you were either supposed to wear black or yellow.  We were in a black section, but because it rained, it totally didn't work at all.  I ended up wearing a yellow poncho. The game was a blast, but we ended up having to leave early.  More on that later.

Today, after breakfast with my parents (a Saturday morning tradition that is very, very precious to me) I headed home to begin working on my latest master bedroom remodel project: sewing a duvet cover!!  This is big for me, considering I don't sew.  At all.  But after searching in vain for the exact color of duvet that I wanted, I finally decided that I could bite the bullet and make the darn thing myself.   I looked up a couple "how-to" guides online, and then headed out to find my fabric.  Because I'm cheap (and lazy) I didn't want to buy 15 yards of fabric, and instead decided to just buy a king sheet set in the color I wanted and then use the flat sheet as the top for my duvet.  This worked perfectly, as I found the exact color I wanted at Fred Meyers on super clearance.  I sang a little bit of the hallelujah chorus in the aisle when I found it.  Then, for the back, my mom graciously donated an old king flat sheet that she no longer uses.  And I was in business. 

Once I had the makings of my cover, I dusted off the sewing machine (that my mom gave me as a shower gift over 3 1/2 years ago..and has never once seen the light of day) and set up shop in my living room.  It took me over an hour to figure out how to thread the bobbin (and that included that combined brain power of both Adam and I...and the assistance of several YouTube video tutorials) and another hour or so to figure out how to get everything set up so that I could actually reach the foot pedal.  Not a great start.

However, today went quite well and I am proud to present to you our newest addition to the master bedroom:

I love it!  Do you like our headboard?  Those are closet doors, that we bought off craigslist for $20.  I painted and distressed them, and Adam hung them on the wall.  You may recall my original color scheme was peacock blue, gold and yellow.  Well, that's changed a bit.  I was so in love with the peacock blue, I decided I might as well include the rest of the bird.  So I added in apple green and various shades of blue/teal.    This is my new inspiration:

The bed isn't quite done yet--it needs more pillows to pick up a few more colors--but I love it so far.  I also have big plans for our end table next to the bed....

I'm also over my head in art projects for the walls.  Here's a little sneak peak of my latest project:

It's not done yet, but so far I'm excited about it.  Stay tuned

(click the link below for my in vitro update....it's exciting!!!)

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 6

Here I am in my living room—fire burning in the fireplace, dogs standing guard on my either side, my hubby’s arm around me as we anxiously peer out the window waiting for the forecasted snow to arrive—and I have to pause and smile.  

I am so blessed.  What an incredible life.

With Thanksgiving so close, it’s hard not to stop and take stock in all that God’s given us.  To praise Him for His faithfulness, for His love, and for His mercies that are new everyday.  

Going through this process has made me so keenly aware of the blessings that surround me; the gift of friendship, the incredible miracle of family, the beauty of Creation….the list is unending.  I’m in awe of the love of the Father, and how it is manifested in everything I see around me.   

And I am so thankful.

In Your Arms

So here I am, working out in my garage, running along on my treadmill to the worship station on Pandora that I created a few weeks ago....and on comes this song.  And I had to stop and listen.



I'm claiming this song, these lyrics, as my personal love song for my Savior.  For this journey.

I'm letting my fears go, giving You control
For You are the one that holds me closer in my soul's darkest night
Everything I see is so temporary
So help me to run the race before me
With eternity in sight

Now I close every door
And put my face back on the floor
And I'm in Your arms, where I belong
There's no other place for me than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 5

I’m going to start this week’s update with a confession.

This week, four friends and/or acquaintances announced that their families are expecting a new addition.  And, as much as I’m ashamed to admit it, my heart still clenches every single time I hear that news.  Along with the incredible joy I feel for these amazing families, there is also a selfish spot that wants to spend a few moments in mourning for myself, and for the family that we have yet to see grow.  I’m embarrassed that I still have those moments, because I know that I need to ditch the sense of entitlement. 

The fact of the matter is God doesn’t owe me anything.  As much as I’d like to think that I am, I’m not entitled to a baby simply because I want one.  I’m also not entitled because I try to be a good person, or because I love God, or because I know in my heart of hearts that I would be a good mom.  I’m not entitled because I’m unworthy of the blessing. 

When God chooses to bless us with the absolutely miraculous gift of life, He is entrusting us with one of His children.  Have you ever thought of it that way?! God is literally gifting us with the one thing He considers most precious on this earth.  He is trusting us to love on and nurture this miraculous little human so that it will grow to know Him, to walk with Him, and to light up a dark world with His love.   We are raising these babies for Him. 

W-O-W. What love the Father has for us, that He would choose to entrust us with a job so valuable! 

As much as my heart yearns for the day when God will deliver His miraculous little baby gift into our hands, I know that my prayer—now and always—needs to be this: Lord, teach me to walk with You by faith.

_________________________

Since I really don’t have that much new in vitro-wise to report, I’m going to make this a picture update to catch you all up on where we’ve been this week and what we’re working on.  Enjoy!

This week, I’ve been shopping.  Here are a few of the things/colors I’ve picked up for the new master bedroom. 

 Oooh, I love this color.  And yes, I realize I'm not showing you all of the picture; sorry, but I don't want to give away too much until the grand reveal!

That texture is heavenly!  And I'm loving the color more than you know.

This week we've also done some painting.  Adam worked on this....

and I worked on this....

Together, they look kind of like this.....

Yes, I distressed that, and yes, I'm way excited.  I'm not going to tell you why there is a blue door in our bedroom, either.  But I promise it's going to be amazing.  

And because they're cute, I'm going to add in a picture of what my dogs have been doing....

....watching us through the baby gate. 

Deserts

"I spread out my hands to You; my soul thirsts for You like a parched land."

Psalms 143:6

That verse just spoke to me today.  I especially love the simile at the end--my soul thirst for You like a parched land.  How beautiful.  

It made me think about the deserts of life.  It can certainly feel, when you're walking through one, that you'll never find that oasis your heart has been longing for.  It can feel like the desert is too vast for your weary feet to travel.   

And yet, deserts are miraculous places! Did you know that deserts cover over 1/3 of the surface area on earth?  That's a lot of land.  Did you know that deserts are second only to tropical rain forests in the diversity of plants and animals that live there? Deserts fascinate me, because at first glance, they seem like a barren, desolate place....and yet, in reality, they are teeming with life.      

And then there's the part about desert oasis'. 

If you look up the definition of an oasis, you'll find the following: A fertile or green spot in a desert or wasteland

A fertile or green spot in a desert or wasteland.  Can you see where I'm going with this?

I think I'm starting to understand the desert.  And I'm not talking about the physical one.  

Maybe God allows us to walk through deserts to teach us to rely on Him--on the Living Water.  When we drink from the spring of His love and mercy, we form our own God-oasis that surrounds us and covers us from head to toe.  Water--the living water, in this case--is what makes the grass green, what develops and grows in us a Godly character.  My oasis is my God. As I begin to rely more and more on that oasis, I see that what I felt and saw as barren and isolated is really teeming with opportunities to know God, to walk with Him, and to grow in my knowledge and understanding of His character. 

Wow.  I'm loving that promise today.   What a blessing it is to be loved on by the Almighty God.  I just can't get enough.   

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 4

This week, I've decided on a project that will get me through this process and give me an outlet for any anxiety that might come my way.  I've been told over and over again that staying relaxed is a very important part of this.  And I take doctor's orders very seriously. 

So.

What could be more relaxing than remodeling our master bedroom??  

I'm excited.

We bought our house two (three in March) years ago, and since that time, our master bedroom has sat in the same state of perpetual blah.  I never decided on a color scheme that I liked, I never hung pictures on the walls, I never really organized the furniture or bought anything that matched...it just never came together.

So clearly, this was the perfect project for me to tackle.

Now remodeling a bedroom can be very expensive, and that is definitely NOT the goal of this little adventure, especially considering what we are looking forward to (a baby...and I hear those things are expensive) so I made myself a few guidelines:

1. Nothing I buy will be over $20
2. Furniture will ONLY be bought on craigslist or garage sales, and not for more than $25 (yes, I gave myself a $5 limit increase...I mean, furniture can be expensive)
3. I'm going to become a do-it-yourself girl

Needless to say, I'm STOKED.  I'm already having a blast and I haven't even started yet.

So far, I've picked out a color scheme that I love:

Gold, various shades of yellow, brown and a peacock blue/teal.  I almost died when I saw this little combination.  Adam went with me today and we picked up color swatches at Lowes, so now I'm sporting my newest color inspirations in my purse so I can whip them out at a moment's notice.

I've also been stalking my favorite design blogs for inspiration, and have a small (huge) pile of pictures/projects printed out that I want to mimic in this redesign.  My favorite idea?  Our (future) headboard for the bed.  And no, I'm not telling.  Yet. 

My husband, who is incredibly supportive (even though I can tell he's not sure how these "creative" ideas of mine will turn out), graciously agreed to begin phase 1 of this project on Thursday: painting an accent wall.  I knew I picked a keeper :)

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 3

Today, I was offended.

I ran across a very insensitive comment by someone who clearly wanted me to know that they did not believe that in vitro is an acceptable way to start a family for a Christian woman who believes in the sanctity of life. 

My first inclination?  To give this person a piece of my mind.  To get angry, because I was angry.  Words started swirling in my head, oh the things I was going to say!  But even as my eyes began to gleam with the intensity of it all, God squashed the whole thing before it ever left my brain.  It was like He was saying, “Chill, Mandy.  Would you look through my eyes?  I love this person!  You are accountable to me, not anyone else.”

Ah, shoot.  He was right, and I deflated.

So I thought about it.  And the bottom line is I get it. 

Not everyone agrees with the in vitro process. There are a lot of potential concerns.  To answer them, we have worked with our team of doctors to implement constraints aimed at honoring each of our embryos as babies.   If we lose an embryo, we will mourn the loss of our baby. 

Even so, I get that this isn’t the path for everyone. 

But this is our path.  And what a tremendous opportunity we have been given to witness!!  Already, God has given us amazing opportunities for discussion with the doctors and nurses we are working with, and my prayer is that He will continue to do so.  God works in mysterious ways, and praise the Lord that He does.  If this is the road He has laid out in order to bring our babies into the world, then amen and hallelujah.

That being said, I want to offer up an invitation:  If you have questions for me about this process, I love a good discussion. 

Confession

 A lot of people tell me I’m brave for sticking my infertility cross out there for all to see. 

And I’m going to make a confession:  sometimes, I like hearing it. 

Sometimes, I struggle with booting my inner self off the throne of my life in favor of Someone greater.   Sometimes, I like hearing other people tell me what a great writer I am, or what a strong faith I have, or how brave I am.  Who doesn't love hearing nice things about themselves?  As humans, we love to give ourselves the glory.  

But it’s in those moments that I let myself forget what this is all about, I forget Who deserves all the glory, and I pat myself on the back.  

Am I proud of that?  No.

But I can admit that I have those moments devoted solely to the worship of me because I want you all to see me for who I really am. 

I’m not a superhero.  I don’t have an extraordinary faith.  My life and my struggles are no different than yours; I’m no different than you. 

So if you think I’m brave, you’re wrong.

Truth be told, I’ve always been something of an introvert. 

If you knew me back in the day, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.  In high school, I was tremendously shy.  Giving a speech in front of the class terrified me, and I had a nervous habit of awkwardly shifting my weight from foot to foot whenever I had to do it.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve hated calling people or talking to people on the phone.  I never know what to say, and I hate awkward pauses.  When I got my first car, I’d make my dad fill it up with gas because I was embarrassed to have to go to a gas station and talk to an attendant. 

I’ve always been more comfortable writing than speaking.

And that brings us to this blog.  Did you know I wrote the first entry months before I ever made the blog public?  Yes siree I sure did.  Why?  Because I was terrified.  I knew full well that I was opening up a very personal part of my life, and in doing so, would be subjecting myself to the judgment of cyberspace.  I think I waited that month because I was still trying to decide if this was really something I wanted to do.  And when I finally posted the link, it was because I knew it wasn’t something I necessary wanted to do, but rather, something God was calling me to do.

And so it began.

Little did I know back then what a blessing this blog would be to me.  Little did I know how many people would rally around us, lift us up in prayer, and offer their love and words of encouragement.  I thought God wanted to use this blog and our story as a ministry to others, but what I actually found was a ministry God wanted to give to me through all of you.  I’ve been so humbled.

So that brings me full circle.

Am I brave?  Not even close.  Is my faith unshakable?  No. I’m weak.  I struggle with questions that I’ll never have the answers to (until I’m finally standing face to face with my Savior), and there are days when I can’t seem to find my way out of my own self-pity. 

I’ve learned that faith isn’t some superhuman gift God bestows on a chosen few; rather, it’s a daily choice to shift your focus from the chaos around you to the One who controls it.  Some days I do a better job making that choice than others; but I’m learning. 

So why am I telling you all of this?  Because I want you to know me.  I don’t want to put up any pretenses or have you think I’m something I’m not.  This is my story, this is my journey, but it’s not really mine.  It can’t be, because it’s not about me.  I can’t take the credit for any of it, because none of it comes from me.  It can only be attributed to the living God, whose grace and mercy absolutely covers me from head to toe. 

And I want to do a better job of pointing it all back to Him. 

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 2

Another week down!  A lot of exciting in vitro activity happened this week, and I can’t wait to share it with you!

Before I do, I want to talk about two things that I hear most often from people who are hearing our story for the first time.

1.   “Isn’t in vitro just as expensive as adoption?  Why don’t you just adopt??”

Yes, it’s true.  In vitro is very close in cost to an adoption.  And have we considered it?  Of course.  Have you considered adoption?  It’s a beautiful thing.  Adoption shouldn’t be reserved for those going through infertility struggles. 

And why don’t we “just” adopt?  I know I am going to be a mom.  I know that before the good Lord takes me from this earth, I will be blessed by the sound of little feet running in my home.  I believe that God has laid that promise on my heart, that He has given me a desire and a passion for children that will someday be manifested through my own.  I can’t wait for that day.  When or how I’ll get there, admittedly I don’t know.  I hope and pray that the path to those babies is in vitro, and that we’re zeroing in on a family of our own.  But if in vitro turns out not to be our path, then of course we will pursue other options.  Of course we will.  But before we’ll be able to do that, we’ll need to grieve not being able to have our own.  Why?  Because I long to see what half of Adam and half of me would look like.  Because I long to feel a baby kick inside me.  Because God has given me those desires (and I believe that!) and I know I can’t be fully committed to adoption until we have gone down this road and tried everything.  It wouldn’t be fair to our adoptive children if I was always thinking but what if..?  God would have to close this door and prepare my heart for a new journey—one into adoption—before Adam and I could set foot on that path.  Is it possible?  Of course it is.  But we’re just not there yet. 

2.   “Isn’t it a little bit soon to be going to in vitro?  You’ve only been trying for a year.”

True, we’ve only been trying for a year.  And I am very sensitive to this one, because I know there are a lot of people out there who have walked through the heartache of infertility for many more years than we have.  But, I also know that it’s different for everyone.  For many couples who have been trying for a number of years, their early years may not have been under the guidance of an RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  There are many hormonal therapies (read: fertility drugs) that can be prescribed by your PCP or an OB/GYN.  Many couples will work with one of those for a few years before seeking out the help of an RE. 

For Adam and I, we only saw our PCP for 6 months.  As soon as we realized that wasn’t working out, we went to OHSU and began seeing one of the best reproductive endocrinologists in the country.  And we worked with him for six more months; we ran the gauntlet of fertility workups, tried some fertility drugs, and monitored my insides by ultrasound each and every month.  We got a ton of information about my body and how I work.  I know more about my own anatomy now than ever before.  And we know there’s a problem.  And we know that it’s not going to work itself out.  We know that our path to parenthood is in vitro.  We feel blessed to have had that figured sooner rather than later.

I know that every person who asks these questions is coming from a place of good intention; infertility is a struggle you can’t fully understand until you experience it, and these types of questions are really only an expression of interest in the process and in the journey.  I know that, and I can answer them with a smile.  God has placed us on this path for a reason, and I can rest assured in that knowledge.  Adam and I feel such a peace that this is our path.  We know it’s not the path for everyone; but it is the path for us.

Our Story: From the Beginning

Even though I don’t have the ending yet, I think I’m ready to write about the beginning.   

Because we’ve already come so far.  

God has transformed our lives in the past year, and I look back in absolute awe of His tender mercy and love. 

Last October, I went off birth control.  Looking back, I can see how the decision was a lot more about me than it was about Adam.  I was ready.  My internal clock was ticking.  I wanted a baby.  And Adam?  He was scared.  He was trying to figure out how we would financially care for a new baby.  He was being logical, while I was thinking only with my heart.  We weren’t united.

Those first few months were (I now know) filled with trying in vain.  My period never came on time. I’d have one or two days of bleeding, followed by a few weeks of nothing, followed by more intermittent bleeding.  There was no rhyme of reason to any of it.    I’d be on a “period” of some kind for two or three weeks a month; sometimes less, sometimes more.  I knew it wasn’t right. 

I made an appointment with my primary care physician, who sat me down and, with a smile, told me that babies were worth waiting for.  That we should just give it some time—coming off birth control can have weird effects on a menstrual cycle, and we should just wait it out. 

And for about five months, we did. 

During that time, I became obsessed.  I scoured the internet for information on getting pregnant, on irregular menstrual cycles, and on anything else I could point to as a “symptom” I needed to fix.  I charted.  I tracked my cervical mucus changes (I know, ew) and I did anything and everything else that I thought might help me figure out my body. 

I was an emotional wreck.  I was angry.  It seemed like everyone I knew had what I wanted--everyone was getting pregnant and sharing the good news.  And I was selfish.  I’m embarrassed to admit that I locked myself in our bathroom on more than one occasion to sit on the floor and cry myself a pity party over the announcement of a friend’s pregnancy.  I couldn’t see past the end of my own nose—everything was about me. 

That wasn’t a pretty place to be.  I was making myself depressed.  I’d go to work everyday and look at these precious little people and I’d think, “Why not me, Lord?  Why can’t I have that?”  I was hurting, and instead of running to God, I was blaming Him.  I was letting my infertility define me, rather than letting my God define me.  

Finally, in April, we decided that we needed to see a specialist.  My PCP (who is a family practitioner who specializes in family medicine and baby birthing) is a very kind woman, but I just didn’t feel like she was taking me seriously.  She wanted me to wait it out.  She’d smile at me and pat my knee.  She’d remind me how young I was.  I felt like I was in this whole thing alone, and I knew in my heart that it was time to move on from her care. 

So, never having had a OB/GYN before, I did the only thing I could think of: I called every OB/GYN in the phone book and left desperate message after increasingly desperate message begging them to see me.  I was crushed when no one could.

In desperation, I finally just googled “infertility specialist in Portland”.  I knew that my options in Salem were slim to none.  The first link that popped up for was the OHSU Fertility Specialists.  After poking around on their website for a while, I was quickly convinced that I needed an appointment with these people.  Little did I know that getting one would be no small miracle in itself.

The day I called, a wonderful woman at the front desk (who I now know quite well) answered in the affirmative to my question of whether or not they were accepting patients.  After I stopped hyperventilating, I explained—in probably way too much detail—our need for fertility help and begged for an appointment.   She told me that we were probably looking at needing to schedule at least a couple months out.  My heart sank, but I told her that I’d just be willing to take any appointment she could find. 

Imagine my shock when I heard a slight hesitation, then her voice telling me that an appointment had just opened up for Monday (this was the Friday before) at 8AM.  She asked if I wanted it.  Did I want it?  Oh sweet Jesus, give me the appointment!! 

I called Adam absolutely frantic with excitement.  We were finally going to see someone who could help us.

At this point, I don’t think I was really taking this seriously.  Yeah, we were having trouble getting pregnant, but I didn’t seriously think anything was wrong with me.  I thought it would be an easy fix; maybe some fertility medications and then we’d be good to go. 

At our first appointment at OHSU, our doctor (who graduated Cum Laude from YALE…how’s that for a confidence builder?) asked us all sorts of questions to learn about our lifestyle.  When we answered that we’d only had one sexual partner (each other), didn’t smoke or drink, and had never done illegal drugs, his jaw pretty much hit the floor.  At least we could cross “undiagnosed STDs” off the list as potential problems in our baby quest. 

That appointment consisted of blood draws to test for all sorts of things—thyroid function, androgen production, presence of FSH, etc. etc.  It also consisted of my very first-ever vaginal ultrasound.  I’ll spare you those details—let’s just say the probe looks like a microphone and they stick it up where the sun don’t shine.  Oh boy!

What that initial ultrasound revealed shattered my belief that everything was fine.  My little ovaries looked like this:

Normal ovaries should look like this:

The black spots on the ultrasound images are follicles.  My ovaries were polycystic.  Meaning, lots of follicles (what holds the egg…think of it as a launch pad) but none being stimulated to maturity each month. Basically, if you think of each ovary like a baseball field, there should only be one player up to bat at a time.  In my ovaries, I had the whole team standing at home plate trying to hit a home run simultaneously….and nobody was connecting with the ball. 

My doctor’s initial thought was that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), but he hesitated because I didn’t have any of the clinical signs of the disease.  I’m not obese, I don’t produce excess androgens (male hormones) and I don’t have excessive facial hair (oh thank you sweet Jesus).  So what he ended up concluding was that, while my ovaries are most definitely polycystic, I do not have PCOS.  What does that mean?  We don’t know exactly.  The treatment for polycystic ovaries is the same as the treatment for PCOS, so while my doctor knew exactly what direction we needed to go, my official diagnosis was polycystic ovaries and unexplained infertility. 

Unexplained infertility.  I find that fascinating, because by the very nature of that diagnosis God is being glorified.  Science can’t explain why my ovaries are polycystic, and why I am unable to fertilize an egg naturally.  Science can’t explain it, because life is miraculous. God’s plan for the creation of life is absolutely beyond comprehension; it blows my mind.  Let me share with you some information I learned during this stage in the journey:

Each month, you have a 2-3 day window during which you are actually fertile.  This is the period after the egg has been released from the follicle and pushed out of the ovary.  The egg is only viable outside the ovary for a period of 24 hours before it dies.  So, the 2-3 day window really refers to the time frame during which you can have intercourse and have a reasonable chance of live sperm meeting a live egg.   Finding your “window” is, in itself, an extremely complicated math problem that proves almost impossible unless you are ridiculously regular.  There are minute changes in hormone levels that can be detected through ovulation tests and daily temperature charting, but by the time you pick up these changes, it’s usually too late.  You’ve already ovulated. 

Even for those who chart everything correctly and pinpoint the right days of the month during which you are fertile, you’re far from a sure thing.  Under ideal circumstances, where the sperm and the egg meet and the timing is perfect, you only have a 20% chance of becoming pregnant.  That’s in perfect conditions. 

That doesn’t even begin to touch on the number of “chemical pregnancies” that occur--and are lost--before you ever know you were pregnant.   

Are you beginning to wonder how “accidental” pregnancies can possibly happen?  It’s miraculous and can only be attributed to our Mighty God. 

The female reproductive system is an amazing baby-making machine.  And science just can’t explain it.  Even in the IVF process, the doctors can only go so far as to create an embryo and put it into the uterus.  They cannot force it to attach.  They don’t know how. They don’t understand how that process works.  The miracle of life can be unraveled only by God himself. 

After our initial consultation, our doctor put us on Clomid—a fertility drug—to force my ovaries to stimulate an egg.  I started on 50mg.  That first month, we were disappointed to find out that the Clomid did not work.  Our monthly ultrasounds revealed my largest follicle at only 8mm on cycle day 21.  Normal cycles ovulate on or near day 14 and the optimum follicle size for ovulation is 22mm.  As you can see, I wasn’t even close.

We were so discouraged, but it was at this point that God began pulling at my heart—mending the broken pieces and stitching it together to mirror His.  God was revealing to me His plan for this journey, and I began to long for time spent with Him.  I felt His presence in a way I’ve never felt it before, in a way that can only be found through complete surrender and dependence.  I felt like God was asking me to walk this journey for Him, to use our story as a mouthpiece for His glory, and to rest in the knowledge that He would be there each step of the journey.  I started this blog that very day. 

It was also during this time that I sat with my husband in the parking lot at his work for two hours, talking and praying with him as he made the decision to rededicate his life to the Lord.  A few weeks later, I watched as he was baptized. 

Coincidence?  No.  God’s remarkable grace.

The next month, we were put on 100mg of Clomid, and for two months, it worked.  My ovaries were stimulated enough to produce an egg, and although I don’t produce the hormone that triggers ovulation, I was able to take a shot subcutaneously (injected under the skin on my stomach) to force the egg to release.  Despite our success in ovulation, we were not successful in achieving pregnancy. 

I think this almost takes us up to today.  As you know, last month the Clomid decided not to work.  That’s the “unexplained” portion of our infertility rearing its ugly head.  At our last appointment for that month, my doctor gave us the bleak news that he didn’t expect Clomid to work.  Our chances for achieving a pregnancy this way had taken a nosedive. 

And that led us to IVF.  I’ll be honest; we were terrified.  I knew next to nothing about the process, and I had visions of discarded embryos and sextuplets dancing in my head.  But again, God’s grace reached us even in that place of fear.  His grace led us to the home of a precious family that had experienced IVF before, who had built their family through this miraculous therapy, and who were willing to come alongside us and minister to us as brothers and sisters in Christ.  It can only be described as God moment.  And a powerful one at that.

In talking with this couple, and reading their blog, we realized that the doctor who had performed their IVF procedures years before was the same doctor who would be doing ours.  They were one and the same.  And they brought up the point that maybe, just maybe, this journey isn’t about us.   

And that’s powerful. 

It’s powerful to step outside your own little world and look at the big picture.  Maybe Adam and I have a role to play in someone else’s story.  It’s certainly not a coincidence that our doctor has encountered two couples who love the Lord and are committed to honoring Him through the IVF process.  It’s certainly not a coincidence. 

My prayer is that God uses us in a mighty way, to bring about a saving knowledge of who He is and of His unfailing love.  My prayer is to be used as a mouthpiece; that I may reflect His love in all that I say and do. 

And, of course, I pray for a baby Breitenstein :)

Today, all the fear and anxiety of the early days has been replaced with joy. And that’s a God thing.  The strength I’ve found to face this giant does not come from me. “It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.” 2 Samuel 22:33

Today, Adam and I are, to the very core of our being, united on this journey. We’re united in our deepest desire to be parents.  To have little precious babies call us mommy and daddy.  We’re ready. 

I feel like God has taken us on a yearlong honeymoon—inviting us to know Him, to rest in Him, and to trust Him. He has ministered to my heart and given me an intimate and tender knowledge of who He is.  I am forever grateful.  I am forever changed. 

And I wouldn’t trade a single moment.  I can’t wait to see what’s ahead, to meet my babies, and to share each step of the journey with you.