Fears

I admit it, I'm afraid.

For the past week, I've really been struggling with my fears for these babies.  I find myself obsessing over questions like:  Are they okay?  Are they growing?  Why don't I have more symptoms?  Should I be more tired/bloated/nauseous? Why hasn't morning sickness started?  Why aren't my boobs sore? Shouldn't I need to pee more often? (and the big one) Are we going to miscarry??

If you could see my internet browsing history, you'd notice I've turned to Google on quite a few instances to calm my fears. 

And it just needs to stop.

Yesterday, all of this come to a head as I sat on my couch, drenching my husband's shoulder in hot tears, and cried out all of my fears for our babies.  We sat that way for a long time, Adam just listening.  And when my cries had finally dulled to a whimper, he looked at me, smiled, kissed my nose and said: Oh baby.  Hasn't God already taken us this far?  Hasn't he been faithful every step of the way? He's not going to abandon us now. 

I love that man. 

We sat and talked for a long time after that, both realizing we had the same fears, but also realizing that this isn't a journey we can walk alone.  And it was then that I realized some very important things:

1. I'll never stop worrying about these babies.  I'll never stop wanting what's best for them.  I'll never stop longing to protect and insulate them from all the pain and trial this world has to offer.  And I think that's okay.  But I also realized that all that worrying isn't going to do me a darn bit of good.  Because, let's face it--as much as I love them and want to insulate them....I can't.  There's nothing I can do.  I have to give them over, wholly and completely, to the One who knew them before He ever placed them in my womb.  I have to trust that He has already numbered all of their days, and I have to know, deep in my soul, that as much as I love them....it doesn't and never will compare to His love for them. 

Phew.  That's hard...but God's leading me through this one, and I'm determined to follow.

2. I need to stop assuming that my pregnancy will conform to what other people may experience.  I need to stop wishing for symptoms (lately, praying for morning sickness....I think that might be a sickness in itself) and neglecting to give thanks for God's faithfulness, and the easy ride I've had so far.   I need to remember that God has already given me so much to be grateful for--first and foremost, a pregnancy that we prayed for, dreamed of, and waited over a year to be blessed with--but also for two separate beta tests that revealed hCG levels that were not just present, but that were in the high range for normal.  And let's not forget that our due date is five years to the day after Adam proposed.  These things are not coincidences.  God knows what a worrier I can be, and I know He has given me all these signs to say look, little one, I'm here and I don't want you to be afraid.  Just trust me!  What a blessing, that in my weakness, He is strong....



So now, we wait.  And we trust.  Our first ultrasound is Monday morning, and at that appointment we'll be able to see the sac, the little tiny baby, and hear the heartbeat.  I'm still praying for two babies.  That's how many we put in, and that's how many we want out. 

Between now and then, Adam and I come to you again asking for your prayers.  First and foremost, for our babies.  We ask you to join us in praying God's protection over them as they develop and grow. 

But we also ask you to pray for us, as parents.  That we may learn, each day, to give up more of who we are in favor of who we are becoming in Christ.  We ask you to pray for peace, that we may feel it and know it deep in our soul, and for trust as we commit these precious, tiny lives to the Father. 

We still have a lot to learn, but the three of us (Adam, me, and our Savior) are going to keep walking this road together......one step at a time. 

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth."

Psalms 12:1-2

One more thing....

Today, Adam and I realized something that was pretty amazing.

Our due date, 8/24/2011, is exactly five years from the day that Adam asked me to marry him (8/24/2006).  Can I get an amen?

I don't know how I managed to miss that for a good solid week, but when it hit me today I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I thanked God for his incredible faithfulness.  Seriously.  How cool is that?  All my silly little plans, all my prayers that started with "you know God, this would be a GREAT month for a baby, because nine months from now is...."  and now this.  I couldn't have picked a more perfect day to welcome a baby into the world, and of course, God knew that all along.  He has (again) revealed His sovereignty and faithfulness in my life.  What a mighty God we serve!!!

"May Your unfailing love be my comfort, according to Your promise to your servant."

Psalms 119:6

Catching Up

This post is going to be my attempt at catching up on all the excitement of the past few weeks.  And prepare yourselves...because it's a long one!!  

I'm starting (instead of ending) with a prayer request..because this post is long, and if you read nothing else I want you to read this!!

Prayer Request

Adam and I knew from the beginning of this process that we would not wait until after the first trimester to share the news of our pregnancy.  How could we?  We’ve asked you to pray with us and to walk this journey alongside us.  We have been so touched at how deeply so many of you have felt this right alongside us.  Not just the low moments, but also the incredible highs.  My heart was so full of love on Thursday, even before we found out, as I read your texts, emails and comments sharing your own excitement and anticipation of the results we had yet to receive.  You have felt this with us, and we are touched.
 

As of today, I’ve five weeks along.  I know that qualifies me as just a teeny-tiny bit pregnant.   I also know that the first trimester can be a dangerous time for growing babies.  And so, our greatest prayer request is that you just cover (smother!) our babies with prayers.  That you join us in praying God’s protection over them as they grow and mature inside of me, and that they be delivered safely into our waiting arms in August.  

Adam and I have claimed this verse for these babies, and have been praying it over them every night:

“He tends to His flock like a shepherd, He gathers the little lambs in His arms, He carries them close to His heart.” Isaiah 40:11

Will you join us in praying that God will gather these little lambs in His arms and carry them close to His heart?  That His mercy and grace will cover their lives from head to toe, and that He will guarantee their continued health and safety over the next 8 months?

Fertilization Report

On Tuesday, December 7^th we got our final fertilization report.   

Apparently the first time around there had a bit of a miscommunication, because out of the 15 that fertilized, the 13 babies we thought had made it to culture was actually only 12.  The others had never divided.

Those 12 were then placed in culture for five days.  On the day of our transfer (culture day 5), we had two blastocysts that were healthy and strong and ready for a shot in the baby-maker!  Those are the two that were transferred, and we now know, (at least one) attached to the uterine wall. 

At that time, the embryologist told us that we had several that had not divided since day 2.  She explained that they had “arrested”—meaning, they were no longer growing.  She also told us that we had a few others that had begun to degenerate; again, they were no longer dividing.  We also had some that looked great—that were on the verge of becoming blasts and were healthy and happy in their culture environment. 

After talking about it with our doctor, we decided to hold the “on the verge” embryos in culture for an extra two days to see if they would divide any further.  Adam and I made it clear that any division—and we didn’t care if we were talking one cell a week—indicated a living baby and we were determined to give it a shot at life.  The embryologist told us it was “improbable” that these babies would ever attach and be born.  We told her our God is the miracle-maker, and as long as these babies are dividing, they are alive and precious to us.  She agreed to do as we had asked, and freeze any baby that was dividing...regardless of how fast.

Two days after the transfer, we got the call with the final fertilization report.  Originally, our doctor had told us to expect that about 1/3 of the fertilized embryos would make it to be transferred and/or frozen.  That is just the natural atrophy rate that they undergo.  For us, out of our original 12 in culture, we transferred two and froze four….for a total of 6. 

When I got that news, I immediately felt hot little tears running down my face.  I was thrilled with the healthy embryos (all four that were frozen had made it to blasts) but was also mourning the loss of our other precious babies.  I was already in love with them.   

I called Adam, who called OHSU, and we asked for more information about those that we’d lost.  I wanted to know everything about their lives, and everything about how they had died.  We learned that three had degenerated to the point where no cell division was happening, and the embryo itself was losing its cellular integrity. The other three had all arrested—they were held in culture until day 7 (at our request), and those three hadn’t divided since day 2.   That gave us the closure we needed.  We believe that life begins at conception, and because we believe that, we also believe that God has already welcomed these precious babies back into His arms….and someday, when we get to heaven, we’ll meet them.  Between now and then, I rest in the knowledge that they are in the presence of their Father.  And I've asked Him to give them a giant hug from us. 

So now here we are.  We’ve got babies (hopefully two) in the oven, and four in the frozen nursery.  We pray for all six of those babies on a daily basis, and we ask that you join us. 

December 16, 2010

As you already know, December 16^th was a day that forever changed our lives.

At 7:30AM, we had an appointment at OHSU to have blood drawn.  It was a quick appointment—just a needle stick—and then we were headed back to Salem with the understanding that we would hear the news (pregnant or not pregnant) after 2PM. 

Adam and I both went to work.  Since we wouldn’t hear until late in the afternoon, there was no reason to take the whole day off.  Instead, we both took a half-day, and after a very anxious morning, I picked up Adam from work and we went and had lunch.  By the time we had finished eating, it was a little after 1, and before heading home we decided to take a drive and tour the tornado damage in and around Aumsville.  We had just gotten into Shaw (about five minutes from our house) when my phone started to ring.  It was only 1:46.  My heart was pounding out of chest. 

It was OHSU.

I frantically told Adam to pull the car over, and as soon as it was in park, I thrust my phone into his hands and told him he had to answer.  From the moment he picked up the phone, I knew it was good news. 

Is this Adam?

Yes

Adam, this is Christie.  I have your test results.  Are you ready…?

(deep breath, eyes locked with mine) We’re ready

Mandy’s pregnant!!!

(tears, tears, and more tears)

She gave us some other information—my beta level was 144 and my progesterone level was 20 (both good)—and made another appointment for a second blood test to check my levels the following Monday. 

But I wasn’t really paying attention to any of that, because I had just found out I was pregnant.   

Adam hung up the phone, we prayed prayers of thanksgiving—tears falling, hearts soaring, love abounding—and held each other for a long moment.  What precious time.  After more than a year of waiting, hoping and praying…our Almighty God, in His goodness and love, absolutely delivered.  He walked us through the valley and put our feet on top of the mountain.  He is worthy of ALL our praise!!

After that, we needed to tell our family.  I had told my parents the week before that I was taking a half-day so that I could surprise Adam with the news while he was at work.  However, in reality, this was a set-up so Adam and I could surprise my parents with the news.  Since this process hasn’t exactly been secretive, it was really the only way we’d have the opportunity to announce our pregnancy. 

The first phone call I made was to my mom.  She was out shopping.  I told her that I didn’t want to get the call from OHSU all alone, and asked if she would meet me at my parent’s house to wait it out with me.  Of course she agreed. 

Then, we drove to my dad’s office.  Adam called him and told him I was having car trouble at school—something about the alternator—and asked if he could borrow my dad’s truck to go help me out (we carpool to work).  Of course my dad agreed, and said he’d meet Adam in the parking lot to hand off the keys.  When he came out of the building, I was standing in the bushes and Adam was on the opposite side.  He saw Adam immediately.  As he handed Adam the keys, he started asking about what was wrong with the car and offering his jumper cables…..

The whole time he was talking, Adam was grinning at him with this stupid grin on his face. 

I think my dad was starting to wonder what was up, and he looked over his shoulder to see what Adam kept looking at.  That’s when he saw me.  He knew immediately.  He enveloped me in his arms as we told him he was going to be a grandpa.  What a special, precious moment.

Then we drove to my parent’s house to meet my mom.  We decided that I would go in first, and after a few minutes, Adam would follow.   So I went inside, found my mom at the kitchen table, and started chatting with her about the day.  She was so anxious and excited to hear the news. 

We had just started discussing whether or not we should do some shopping while we waited when Adam walked in the door.  My mom knew immediately.  She screamed, cried, and held us both in gigantic hugs. 

After we had celebrated a while, my mom informed me with a smile that she had already known.  She said she had been driving to the dog groomer earlier in the day when tears just started rolling down her face.  She knew then.  God has told her, placed in on her heart, that I was pregnant. 

It was such a gift to be able to celebrate with my precious parents.

After that, it was a whirlwind of phone calls.  I had been desperately trying to get hold of my brother at work, and Adam had been busy calling all of his family and filling them in.  Everyone was excited.  We felt so blessed and so loved. 

Recent Updates

On Monday, we were back up at OHSU at 7:30 to have everything confirmed with a second blood test.  They wanted to see my hormone levels rising appropriately, and just like last time, told us we’d get the news after 2PM.  

We were thrilled to find out that my hormone levels had risen from 144 on Thursday to 754 on Monday.  They were only looking to see a 60% increase from Thursday to Monday, and clearly, we exceeded that. 

Now we are anxiously anticipating 10AM on January 3^rd, when we will hear the heartbeat and see how many babies are currently in the oven.  We’re praying for two—that’s how many we put in, and that’s how many we want out!

The harvest

There are moments in life that literally take your breath away. Moments that you know, no matter what else happens in your life, you will never forget.

For me, the first was the day Adam proposed.  I can remember everything about that magical night, right down to the clothes I wore and the way he squeezed my hand extra hard as we made our way up to the lighthouse.

The next was our wedding day.  Nothing will ever match the feeling of JOY I felt as I stood before all our friends and family, in the sight of our Lord and Savior, and took vows and made promises to last my whole life through.   

And the latest?

Getting the phone call that we’ve been praying for and dreaming of for over a year and a half.   

We’re going to be parents. 

Oh the joy!!

Thank you for praying, for loving on us, and for feeling this right along with us.  We are so touched.  We ask now that you keep praying.  This feels so much like the finish line, but I’m only four weeks pregnant and these babies are just beginning their journey into our arms.  Please join us in covering them in our prayers—praying for their protection and continued health and safety.  We’re so in love.

We have scheduled our ultrasound to hear the heartbeat (and see how many babies we’ll be welcoming into our arms) on December 30^th. 

I have so much to say, so many feelings I want to express…but for now, I just want to give praise.

And this is my prayer in the harvest

When mercy and providence flow

I know I’m filled to be emptied again

The seed I’ve received I will sow

We are so thankful for the precious, precious gift we have been given.  God has entrusted us with a life.  It's humbling.  It brings us to our knees.

More to come....

Without futher ado....

.....I'd like to introduce you to my babies!!!

This will be the first photo in the baby books.  Miraculous.  If you blow the picture up and look right where the tip of the arrow is pointing, there is a tiny white dot....those are our babies!

Pregnancy test the week of Christmas.....no better present than THAT!

Please join us in covering our precious babies (inside the womb and out!) in PRAYER!

A letter to my babies

To my precious, precious babies,

You don’t know this, but I’ve been writing letters to you for years. 

The first time was right after daddy and I were married, when we were living in our 900-square foot condo and would sit together on the couch, laughing and dreaming about the future we’d create together. 

I started writing letters to you way back then, because I wanted you to know that you were already part of those dreams.  We could never have imagined a world without you in it.  We loved you even then.  

It’s important that you know that, because it’s important that you know how much we’ve always, always wanted you.  We planned for you from the very beginning. 

As your mommy, I’ve been dreaming of you my whole life.  I’ve dreamed of counting your ten tiny little fingers and toes, I’ve longed to hear what your giggle will sound like, and my arms have ached with the emptiness of waiting to hold you.  I’ve wondered how your daddy’s big, beautiful blue eyes will look on a tiny baby, and I’ve smiled in sweet anticipation of you inheriting his silly sense of humor.  God has blessed you richly, little one, in the gift of such a wonderful, loving daddy.  I can’t wait for you to meet him.   

I smile as I anticipate experiencing all your firsts.  I can’t wait to comfort you when you cry, to see my own incredible joy reflected on your face every time our eyes meet, and to watch you grow into the person God made you to be.  

I just can’t imagine loving you more than I already do, and I haven’t even met you yet.  When that day finally arrives, oh the joy that will fill my heart. 

Our journey to you didn’t go as we had originally planned in those early days of marriage, but as we look back now, we wouldn’t change a thing.   The path we’ve traveled has been bumpy and filled with heartache, but it was also filled with joy.  As we look back, we can see that it was the potholes along the way that have made our journey to you so beautiful. 

God’s plan has been perfect. 

He has walked us through the heartache of your absence—of waiting for you, praying for you, and fighting for you.  There were moments of pain and tears that will only be overshadowed by the joy we feel when you’re finally in our arms.  That’s the sweetest anticipation I’ve ever know, little one. 

December 1, 2010 was your conception day.  I’ve been calling this your Hope Day—the day that God blessed us with the hope of you.  I want to celebrate it with you each year of your life, I want to tell you about our journey—your journey--and I want to encourage you with the love of so many who have prayed for you for so long before your birth. 

You are precious to us, and our hearts yearn for you.  We will love you all the days of your life.    

Even now, as we await your birthday, we pray daily for God’s protection over you—that He will bless your little lives and deliver you safely into our waiting arms.

We can't wait to meet you.

With all of our love,

your parents

Forever Changed

We got the call.  We're parents.  I can't explain that joy.......

Here's the run down:

Of the 46 eggs they harvested from me yesterday, only 15 were mature.

I just have to pause here and give some praise.  46 eggs and 15 were mature.  Not 14, not 16, but exactly fifteen.  Fifteen was the maximum number of eggs we had agreed to inseminate based on what we believe and based on our commitment to each embryo as a baby.  What an awesome God we serve!! If only 20 eggs had been collected, as our doctor anticipated, we wouldn't have ended up with enough for insemination.  I thought 46 was overkill, but God knew the perfect number.  Thank you sweet Jesus.

Our doctor expected that if we inseminated 15, we might end up with around 8 that fertilized and became embryos, and when all was said and done, we'd take maybe two or three babies home from the hospital....and he thought that would be a generous estimate. That accounts for embryos that (just like in nature) will stop dividing and are no longer alive and growing, as well as those that are transferred but (just like in nature) never attach to the uterine wall.

So, when we got the call this morning that all fifteen had fertilized, I just about hit the floor.  That's a 100% success rate right there.

Shortly thereafter, were told that two of the embryos did not make it to culture.  That means that they did not survive to make it to their own little home-away-from-home for the next 48ish hours until the transfer.  We mourn the loss of those babies--our babies--and pray that God will envelop them back into His arms, since ours will never get to hold them.  I know that God's plan is perfect, and we simultaneously rejoice in the 13 that are now growing.  We are committed to each and every one of them.  Their shot at life is guaranteed, because we'll come back for them all.

And I'm a mom.  Adam is a dad.  Those are OUR babies--half of me, and half of the man I love.  They're ours, no matter what the outcome.  I've waited so long for this, and the feeling I have just knowing that they're there, waiting for me, brings me to my knees.  Nothing compares.  Nothing.  It's joy like I've never known.  God has been so faithful to us, and His hand ever-present in this whole process. Thank you Lord. 

Our most fervent prayer, for now and for always, is for our babies.  Please join us in praying God's protection over these sweet little ones that are now growing and waiting for their chance at life.  Some of them will wait longer than others, and we ask you to join us in praying that God will "gather the little lambs in His arms, and carry them close to His heart" as He promises to do in Isaiah 40:11.  They are precious to us, just as they are to God. 

Those are our babies.  All 13 of them.  And we are in love.

A love song for my babies

Sidewalk Prophets "The Words I Would Say"

It's three in the morning,
And I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope You're going to do great things,
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way  
These are the words I would say.... 


Still waiting for the call.  A watched phone never rings, right??

December 1, 2010

Happy Conception Day to my babies!!!  As I type this, there are baby Breitensteins growing and dividing and waiting for the chance to be born.  We are SO committed to giving it to them. I keep thinking about their little lives.....I am wholly, completely in love.  <3

Today went well.  God is SO faithful, and we continue to be in awe of his mercies that are ever new.   I woke up this morning with excitement and joy.  We felt your prayers just surrounding us, and we were both so at peace as the whole thing got underway.  Thank you.  We love our doctor, and know that God has placed him in our lives for a reason.  We also got to meet the lab doctor who will actually be making our babies--what a kind gentleman he was.  I shook his hand and told him to take good care of my precious little ones :)

Our doctor had expected to get 20 or so eggs to choose from, but when it was all said and done he ended up extracting a whopping 46.  The anesthesiologist said is the most she'd ever seen taken out of one person! Obviously, they aren't going to use all of those to create 46 embryos, but what it DOES mean is that they'll get to choose the very best ones to make our babies <3 We are expecting a call tomorrow telling us how many embryos fertilized, and then sometime between Saturday and Tuesday they will be transferred back to my baby-maker.  Amen and hallelujah!!

Right now, I'm lying in my comfy bed with my two four-legged babies sprawled out beside me.  My wonderful husband had been an absolute saint today, catering to my every whim and making sure I'm taking all my medications at the right time.  I feel good (admittedly due to some pretty sweet pain meds) but a little uncomfortable.  Because they took so many eggs, my doctor asked me to spend the day in bed to make sure I don't develop hyperstimulated ovaries.   At the moment, they kind of feel like beach balls with little spikes on the outside.  But, like I said, all is well in the world once I pop that pain pill :) A little loopy and a lot tired, but good.  And don't worry, I spell checked this three times to make sure you aren't a victim of my sloppy typing today :)

But I don't even care about all of that.  I'd do it over again in a heartbeat.  Why? 

Because Adam and I made babies today.