"Waiting Room" by Jonny Diaz

Here in this waiting room, yearning for You to say "go"
And though I'm convinced that a yes would be best
This time You're telling me no.


It's not that I don't have an answer
It's just not the one that I'd like
But through this time, Lord, I must keep in mind
You're always wiser than I

You have a much better purpose
And You have a far greater plan
And You have a bigger perspective
Cause You hold this world in Your hands
 
The things that I seek are from You
Like the strong healing touch of Your hand
But when You say no, help me trust even though
There's a reason that I can't understand
 
When that miracle comes cause Your answer is yes
I will praise You for all of my days
But when Your wisdom declares that a no is best
I will praise You just the same

Faith

Well hello again :)

I'm coming to you all today with a heavy heart.  I want to open up our lives once more and invite you along on our journey.

Earlier this month, I was given a "trigger" shot to force ovulation.  As it was in months past, we were told to wait two weeks and then, if no period, to test for pregnancy.

Well, that was exactly two weeks ago yesterday.

I don't think I slept more than two hours straight Tuesday night.  Before going to bed, we drove up to Silver Falls and found a quiet spot to reflect and pray together--thanking God for His provision over the past year, and asking His blessing on the month...begging on bended knee that this be THE month.

After a restless night, we found each other awake at 4:30--anxious and praying together, crying out to God--for these results to answer our prayers from the past year.  I finally peed on the stick at 5:15, and after three minutes of anticipation, we saw only one line.  Negative.

That was yesterday. I still haven't started my period, but the pregnancy test was negative.  To say it was heartbreaking would be an understatement.  I hurt. If you've ever wanted something so badly that it physically tears at you, consumes your every waking thought, then you understand.  My heart feels raw.  I feel exposed.  I feel like I got sucker-punched.  It hurts more to come this far--to reach home plate only to be told I missed a base and have to go back.  Start over.  Try again.

The obvious question is why.  Why not this month?  Why does it have to be so hard?  Why us?  

I'd be lying if I said I don't ask myself those questions, if I said I don't cry them out to God when I'm alone and scared.  I'd be lying if I said I don't wrestle with doubt, with uncertainty, and with my own faith in a Divine plan.

But here's the kicker.

It's okay.  When I'm having moments of doubt, when I'm afraid and scared, God meets me right there.  He listens as I pour out my heart.  He loves me despite my insecurities, my imperfect faith.  He is my friend who sticks closer than a brother.  He walks beside me.  He holds my hand, kisses away my tears, and pulls me close to His side.  He loves me.  I am His child.  And He lovingly whispers in my ear--reminding me of who I am, who He made me to be, and who I am in Him.

And in those moments I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  I feel soft whispers prodding me onward, because what good is faith if I can only muster it up when times are good?  What about the faith that David had when he faced Goliath?  Or Daniel in the lion's den? Or Noah, Abraham and Moses?  What they had was no run-of-the-mill faith.  It's the kind that moves mountains.  It's the kind of faith God is calling me to.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.

I limit my faith when I try to put God in a box--try to neatly fit the enormity of the Creator the Universe into a frame of reference that my humanity can understand.  The reality is God is incomprehensible.  His majesty is beyond our ability to understand.  His ways are mysterious.  Does that make him unapproachable?  Just the opposite.  It makes him approachable. By faith.  By trusting in the Creator to best manage the intricacies of my own meager existence.  

And so here we are.

We are going to wait through the weekend before we call the doctor and proceed with medication to force my cycle to reset itself.  We've decided to not take any more pregnancy tests until Sunday.  We're not giving up yet.

My God walks on water.  He can turn one line into two without batting an eyelash.  I believe that.  Do you believe it, too?  Will you pray with us?

Debbie Downer

Ugh.  Today was not my favorite, and I'm going to warn you, I'm having a bit of a pity party for 1 right about now.   

I had blood drawn on Monday so that my progesterone levels could be checked, and today, I got a call from my doctor's nurse to let me know that they were extremely low.  And while this doesn't surprise us--we were expecting it based on the ultrasound findings earlier this month--it still hit me like a ton of bricks.  I sat in my office at school with tears welling up in my eyes as I talked to the nurse.  She was very kind, and like I said, this wasn't even unexpected! I guess I'm just always on the lookout for a miracle...

She gave me some information and told me she'd called in my new prescription for next month, and after I'd thanked her and was about to hang up, she paused, and said in the sweetest and most genuine voice said: "Good luck, Mandy, we're all pulling for you."  It completely touched my heart, and I could barely choke out a thank you as I struggled over the huge lump in my throat. I hung up with tears in my eyes, but gratitude in my heart.  That little piece of encouragement--from a stranger I've only ever talked to on the phone--was exactly what I needed in that moment.  God is so good to me.  He always knows just what I need and how best to give it to me.

I sat in my office with the door closed for a few minutes before I called Adam.   It's always a struggle for me when I have to call with results like that, because the moment I hear his voice I just lose it.  I start crying.  I just know how badly we want this, and I am constantly struggling with feelings of inadequacy for not being able to get the job done.  Good thing God gave me such an amazing man to call my husband, because Adam told me exactly what I already knew, but needed to hear:  I love you, you're not in this alone, there is a bigger picture here, and it WILL happen.  I know that's true, and I'm so grateful I have the husband I have to hold me through the storms.   

Okay.  Ready for the pity party?  Here it comes....

I am so looking forward to the day when I can answer a call from OHSU and hear good news.  I feel like we keep getting knocked down.  This month alone, I've been in for three ultrasounds, two blood draws, been on two different hormone therapies, and have spent over $100 on a variety of kits that we use here at home to monitor every aspect of my cycle.  And after all that, we're now back to square one, waiting another 10 days before we can start the process all over.  Boy do I ever feel like a lemon.   

I just feel like I am already fighting so hard for this baby that I have yet to meet.  And I won't stop fighting, because babies are worth waiting for.  They are the most precious gifts from above. 

So now I'll take another deep breath and remind myself we're not walking this road alone. 

The Lord replied, "The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you."

 Some days, faith comes easily.  Other days, my humanity takes over and I am consumed with worries and doubts.  On those days, faith is a conscious choice, a decision I make to keep my eyes planted firmly on God, rather than on all the commotion going on around me.  Some days it's really hard. Some days, it's only by faith that I can say through my tears,

"All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

As time passes, I know I'll be able to look back on these experiences and see how the hand of God protected, guided, and used this flame (okay, today it feels like an inferno) of life to refine us and bring about His glory.   

So today, I'm thankful for:

• The steadfast love of my Savior
• An amazing man to walk with me through life
• Family that loves on me no matter what
• Adam's Baptism Birthday...this Sunday
• The promise of what's to come  

Thanks for walking with us,

A&M

In the valley

Well hello again :)

Today we had a mid-cycle check up at OHSU.  We had been hoping to see that the hormone therapy I have been on for the past month has worked and set us back on track for baby-making, but unfortunately, that was not to be.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dissapointed.  It was a tearful drive home.

Even though it's tough--heartbreaking, really--to hear that the past month hasn't changed anything, I wouldn't go back and change a second of this journey. Not one second. Check this out:

A month ago, I got to sit in the parking lot of Adam's office for two hours as we poured out our hearts to each other, and I got to hold his hand and pray with him as he rededicated his life to Christ.  God could not have given me a more precious gift. 

In two weeks, I'll get to sit in the church I grew up in and watch as my dad baptizes the love of my life in the same baptismal I was baptized in so many years ago.  And my dad baptized me, too.

Is the timing of those events a coincidence?  Never.  God has already used this journey to accomplish great things, and I know that He will continue to do so.  He has touched our hearts and broken our will (not my will, but Your will be done), and shown us how to live for Him, to see His will be done, and to keep our eyes fixed on heaven as we walk through this life He has given us.   We praise Him for his faithfulness, for the amazing doctors at OHSU that He has placed in our lives for such a time as this, and for the promise of what's to come.

I don't have the answers.  I don't know where this road will lead.  I'm human; I feel scared, I feel alone, and I feel broken.  But it's not my humanity that defines me.  I'm none of those things.  I'm being held in the biggest bear hug by my Lord and Savior, and I have faith in the knowledge that He won't let go.  Ever.

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy Word
Even when I cannot see, I still believe.

Thanks for sharing this journey with us.  We again ask for prayer; specifically, for God to work his magic on my body so that when we return to OHSU on Wednesday, we will be met with some positive news.  "And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." -Matthew 19:26


Until next time,

A&M