I had blood drawn on Monday so that my progesterone levels could be checked, and today, I got a call from my doctor's nurse to let me know that they were extremely low. And while this doesn't surprise us--we were expecting it based on the ultrasound findings earlier this month--it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat in my office at school with tears welling up in my eyes as I talked to the nurse. She was very kind, and like I said, this wasn't even unexpected! I guess I'm just always on the lookout for a miracle...
She gave me some information and told me she'd called in my new prescription for next month, and after I'd thanked her and was about to hang up, she paused, and said in the sweetest and most genuine voice said: "Good luck, Mandy, we're all pulling for you." It completely touched my heart, and I could barely choke out a thank you as I struggled over the huge lump in my throat. I hung up with tears in my eyes, but gratitude in my heart. That little piece of encouragement--from a stranger I've only ever talked to on the phone--was exactly what I needed in that moment. God is so good to me. He always knows just what I need and how best to give it to me.
I sat in my office with the door closed for a few minutes before I called Adam. It's always a struggle for me when I have to call with results like that, because the moment I hear his voice I just lose it. I start crying. I just know how badly we want this, and I am constantly struggling with feelings of inadequacy for not being able to get the job done. Good thing God gave me such an amazing man to call my husband, because Adam told me exactly what I already knew, but needed to hear: I love you, you're not in this alone, there is a bigger picture here, and it WILL happen. I know that's true, and I'm so grateful I have the husband I have to hold me through the storms.
Okay. Ready for the pity party? Here it comes....
I am so looking forward to the day when I can answer a call from OHSU and hear good news. I feel like we keep getting knocked down. This month alone, I've been in for three ultrasounds, two blood draws, been on two different hormone therapies, and have spent over $100 on a variety of kits that we use here at home to monitor every aspect of my cycle. And after all that, we're now back to square one, waiting another 10 days before we can start the process all over. Boy do I ever feel like a lemon.
I just feel like I am already fighting so hard for this baby that I have yet to meet. And I won't stop fighting, because babies are worth waiting for. They are the most precious gifts from above.
So now I'll take another deep breath and remind myself we're not walking this road alone.
The Lord replied, "The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you."
Some days, faith comes easily. Other days, my humanity takes over and I am consumed with worries and doubts. On those days, faith is a conscious choice, a decision I make to keep my eyes planted firmly on God, rather than on all the commotion going on around me. Some days it's really hard. Some days, it's only by faith that I can say through my tears,
"All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
As time passes, I know I'll be able to look back on these experiences and see how the hand of God protected, guided, and used this flame (okay, today it feels like an inferno) of life to refine us and bring about His glory.So today, I'm thankful for:
- The steadfast love of my Savior
- An amazing man to walk with me through life
- Family that loves on me no matter what
- Adam's Baptism Birthday...this Sunday
- The promise of what's to come
Thanks for walking with us,
A&M
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