Confession

 A lot of people tell me I’m brave for sticking my infertility cross out there for all to see. 

And I’m going to make a confession:  sometimes, I like hearing it. 

Sometimes, I struggle with booting my inner self off the throne of my life in favor of Someone greater.   Sometimes, I like hearing other people tell me what a great writer I am, or what a strong faith I have, or how brave I am.  Who doesn't love hearing nice things about themselves?  As humans, we love to give ourselves the glory.  

But it’s in those moments that I let myself forget what this is all about, I forget Who deserves all the glory, and I pat myself on the back.  

Am I proud of that?  No.

But I can admit that I have those moments devoted solely to the worship of me because I want you all to see me for who I really am. 

I’m not a superhero.  I don’t have an extraordinary faith.  My life and my struggles are no different than yours; I’m no different than you. 

So if you think I’m brave, you’re wrong.

Truth be told, I’ve always been something of an introvert. 

If you knew me back in the day, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.  In high school, I was tremendously shy.  Giving a speech in front of the class terrified me, and I had a nervous habit of awkwardly shifting my weight from foot to foot whenever I had to do it.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve hated calling people or talking to people on the phone.  I never know what to say, and I hate awkward pauses.  When I got my first car, I’d make my dad fill it up with gas because I was embarrassed to have to go to a gas station and talk to an attendant. 

I’ve always been more comfortable writing than speaking.

And that brings us to this blog.  Did you know I wrote the first entry months before I ever made the blog public?  Yes siree I sure did.  Why?  Because I was terrified.  I knew full well that I was opening up a very personal part of my life, and in doing so, would be subjecting myself to the judgment of cyberspace.  I think I waited that month because I was still trying to decide if this was really something I wanted to do.  And when I finally posted the link, it was because I knew it wasn’t something I necessary wanted to do, but rather, something God was calling me to do.

And so it began.

Little did I know back then what a blessing this blog would be to me.  Little did I know how many people would rally around us, lift us up in prayer, and offer their love and words of encouragement.  I thought God wanted to use this blog and our story as a ministry to others, but what I actually found was a ministry God wanted to give to me through all of you.  I’ve been so humbled.

So that brings me full circle.

Am I brave?  Not even close.  Is my faith unshakable?  No. I’m weak.  I struggle with questions that I’ll never have the answers to (until I’m finally standing face to face with my Savior), and there are days when I can’t seem to find my way out of my own self-pity. 

I’ve learned that faith isn’t some superhuman gift God bestows on a chosen few; rather, it’s a daily choice to shift your focus from the chaos around you to the One who controls it.  Some days I do a better job making that choice than others; but I’m learning. 

So why am I telling you all of this?  Because I want you to know me.  I don’t want to put up any pretenses or have you think I’m something I’m not.  This is my story, this is my journey, but it’s not really mine.  It can’t be, because it’s not about me.  I can’t take the credit for any of it, because none of it comes from me.  It can only be attributed to the living God, whose grace and mercy absolutely covers me from head to toe. 

And I want to do a better job of pointing it all back to Him. 

Finish Line

This week I've been fixated on the image of runners in a race. 

For most of my life, I feel like my goal has been to win.  To get there first.  To be the best.  I feel like I've been zipping around the race track of life, side-stepping other runners and lapping those who have fallen behind.  Once in a while, I'll glance to the sidelines and throw a thumbs up to God, as if to say, "Hey, check me out Lord!  I so got this."

I think that needs to change.

The Bible tells us in Luke 9:24 (and again in Matthew, and again in John) that, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."  For me, it all points back to one simple truth that God has been inscribing on my heart:  it's not about me.  I'm not running this race for me.  The prize is not mine to win, because I've already received the greatest gift of all: eternal life with my Lord and Savior.  And I didn't do anything to earn it. 

So I think my view of the race track is shifting.  Instead of surging to the front to take the lead, I've decided to fall back.  To come alongside my teammates, to whisper words of encouragement when the going gets tough, and to cross the finish line together.  And I think that's the point.  If the finish line is heaven, I want as many people as possible from my life on earth to arrive with me.  My own little world is not about me.  

Daily Devotions

Ever since my brother and I went away to college, my precious mama has been sending a daily Bible verse and email note to my inbox each and every morning.  When Adam and I were married, she added his email to her list of recipients.  So, every morning when I open my email, I can count on an enouraging note and Bible verse from my mom.  I love it.  When my babies are grown and out of my house, I hope to do the same for them.

Today's verse and message really hit home and I wanted to share.

"And then he told them, "Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone, everywhere. Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved. But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned." (Mark 16:15-16 NLT)

Devotion: Do any signs accompany me that evidence I have a relationship with You? This world needs to see examples of Your reality, love, and power in action. Do whatever You need to do in my life to awaken me, change me, and equip me to do what You need me to do.

Amen and hallelujah. 

For me, lately this guy has been my inspirational role model: 

 

Does anybody remember Gumby? This guy can bend in half, and yet his incredible flexibility doesn't weaken him.  He snaps right back, better than ever, ready to be put through the wringer again.  Do you see the application?

Lord, make me pliable.  Mold my heart to Yours. 

This idea reminds me of my favorite worship song of all time, The Desert Song.  

It's the last verse that I love the most. 

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

 I'm waiting for the harvest, Lord.  Empty me of myself and fill me with more of You.

Amen

Thank you, Matthew West, for putting my thoughts into song this morning: 

Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours
give me open hands and open doors
put Your light in my eyes and let me see
that my own little world is not about me

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
Show me there’s a greater purpose,
I could be living right now

This is our prayer for the day.  Show us the bigger picture, Lord.  Help me see how this life isn't about me.  

OHSU in t-minus 2.5 hours.  So excited.  Stay tuned...so much more to come

Distraction

....that's exactly what this is.

The game is on, and my beloved Ducks are choking on a big, fat Arizona Sun Devil pitchfork.  I need to take a step back from the TV, breathe, and remind myself that this is just a game.
[Side note: My intensity over Duck football makes gets my husband excited.  He just looked at me in that way.  Ladies, you know what I mean.  Secret guy turn-on: having your girl scream at the TV and fist pump.  Who knew?]

[Sidenote x2: Darrin just threw an interception.  And Arizona scored again. Can it be halftime yet?]

Anyway.

This week has been pretty amazing, in so many different ways.  We have so many reasons to be thankful, and too many blessings to count.

Those of you who pay careful attention to my facebook wall may have noticed that Adam and I are excited about an upcoming appointment at OHSU on Wednesday.  We are meeting with our potential team of baby-makers.  We can't wait to sit down with them and talk about who we are and what we believe.  We can't wait to learn more about this process.  We feel like we're standing on the 10 yard line, and now all we need is one beautiful throw lobbed into the end zone to seal the deal (excuse the football metaphor, it's on the brain.)

[Sidenote: Duck touchdown! 3 point game.  Get it boys, get it.]

Our appointment is at 9:00, and will start with an hour-long meeting with our doctor.  He'll tell us about the IVF process, and we'll lay out for him exactly what we're comfortable with.  We'll tell him that we believe life begins at the moment of conception.  We'll tell him that we believe every life is precious.  We'll tell him we're coming back for every single baby we create.  That they will all get a chance at life.  That we believe they are our babies just waiting to be born.  We'll tell him that, no matter what, every baby put inside of me will be carried to term.  Period.

After that meeting, we'll be joined by an IVF Coordinator and an IVF Financial Adviser.  The coordinator, should we choose to continue in this process, would become our point-person.  Our main contact at OHSU.  The financial adviser will tell us just how much money it's going to cost us to make these babies.  Boy do we ever have a praise regarding financing IVF.  That'll be a story for another time.

[TOUCHDOWN!!!!! Ducks take the lead!!!!!!  See, you don't even need to watch the game! I got your back ;)]

When we leave OHSU on Wednesday, we should have a much better idea of what the future will look like.  If all goes well, we could be doing an IVF cycle as soon as October.  October.  If it works, we'll have an August 2011 baby.

I don't want to count my ducks before they hatch (there we go again...Ducks on the brain), but I'd be lying to say it doesn't get me excited.  I trust that God has already set His master plan for Breitenstein babies in motion, and I like to talk to Him about how excited I am for Him to reveal it.  I love the excitement I feel as we get closer to the big reveal, and I bet He does too.


This week we had an amazing God moment.  We had the opportunity to meet with a couple who has been there and done that when it comes to IVF.   We had the opportunity to share our fears, to hear their story, and to be incredibly uplifted and encouraged by their wisdom and insight.  Their passion for God, and for this God-given science, spoke to our hearts.  We felt God's presence so strongly in that moment, and we left in absolute awe.  Near the end of our time together, this dear couple led us in prayer, and there was one part that made little tears well up in my eyes:

"Lord, we pray that five years down the road Adam and Mandy will be sitting at their kitchen table, with their babies asleep in their beds, sharing their journey with another young couple facing the same questions that they face now."

Amen, Lord.

Our meeting reminded me of this verse, because our time with this amazing couple reminded me of why God wants us to have good, solid Christian friends to share your walk with. 

“Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.” (Proverbs 19:20)

I believe that once you turn the reigns of your life over to God for Him to fully handle, He will make sure that you get matched up with the right kind of people that you can become true God-friends with.  As iron sharpens iron...

We can only hope that this week sparked a new friendship that will last far into the future, as we both watch our babies--present and future--grow into young men and women who love the Lord.   Let it be, let it be!

[Um...Ducks turned over the ball, almost let Arizona get a touchdown (my heart almost stopped), and then intercepted it.  And then went 3 and out. Arghhhhhh!]

After such an amazing week where we could so clearly see God's hand guiding and leading, I find myself energized and excited.  I can't wait to see all that is in store.

The only bummer?  I caught my first cold of the school year (inevitable), and as I write this, I have two kleenex stuck up my nose (nice mental image, yes?).  I've probably used a good 25 in the time it's taken me to write this.  I considered taking a picture of the pile of used tissues just to prove my point, but thought better of it at the last moment.  Good call?

Until next time, and GO DUCKS!!
[Sorry, but you'll just have to turn on the game to see if we can pull of this win.  I say...we CAN!]

Love, love, and more love,
- A&M

Blessed

I started out this week feeling like I was standing in front of a gushing fire hydrant.  Getting blasted with ice cold water, being pushed backward when all I really wanted to do was sidestep the hurdle and surge on ahead.  I was feeling defeated.  I was feeling afraid to hope.

Luckily, my God is SO much bigger than that.

Today, I'm feeling incredibly blessed, and I'm going to tell you exactly why.

Adam and I are blessed by the amazing friends and family that God has so graciously placed in our life--for this moment, this journey, this season--for such a time as this.  We are blessed by the outpouring of love and support that we have seen, time and time again, from people we're close to and people we're not.  We are touched by the compassion, the faith, and the care that has been poured out to us and expressed in countless different ways.  To put it simply, we are grateful.  

This past week, especially, I have seen God's incredible grace in our lives, and His faithfulness manifested in the love of those around us.  He's met our needs--my needs this week--and shown me unequivocally that we are not alone in this, that we are loved, prayed for, and that our pain can never overshadow our joy.

Let me recap a few highlights of the week:

Our dear friends the Andrews appeared at our door one Sunday evening with a beautiful bouquet of orange and yellow flowers.  "Sunny Days" was what the arrangement was called, and Melissa told me they'd chosen it because those were exactly the kind of days that they knew were ahead for us.  On the wrapping of the flowers, Melissa had written encouragement in the form of a Bible verse.   I've said it before and I'll say it again--these incredible friends have been an incredible blessing in our lives from the day we met them.  They have prayed with us, encouraged us, and been there for all the ups and downs along the way.  I saved a few of the flowers from the bouquet and put them into our Blessing Box with a tag that read, "The blessing of forever friends."

Josh and Melissa, thank you for being the kind of friends we can't wait to spend the next 50 years hanging out with.   Thank you for standing with us.  You may never know just how much it means.
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Yesterday, as we do every Saturday, we had breakfast with my parents.   This has become one of our favorite traditions--I love and cherish the time we spend laughing and talking with my mom and dad over the everyday happenings of life.  They are two of the funniest people I know, and I am blessed beyond belief to count my mom and dad as two of my closest and very best friends.  And yesterday, in the middle of our breakfast, my parents completely amazed us by meeting a need that we didn't even know they knew we had.  We were shocked.  We were humbled.  We were blessed.  I couldn't even find the words to thank them--my mouth just couldn't seem to form the right words to convey my gratitude and love for who they are.  After we left, Adam and I drove home in awe.  We were so touched by their love, and it led into a conversation about who we want to be as parents.  We talked about how everything we hope to be is manifested in who they are.   We talked about the selfless, unconditional love they openly display, and how they have been such a steady rock in the storm.  What amazing parents I have.  What incredible love.  

Mom and Dad, we are beyond thankful for who you are.  Thank you for showing us--through example--how to love down to tips of our toes.  Thank you for sharing your faith and bending your knee in prayer.  Thank you for being in example in all you do--I hope you know that we want to be just like you, because you want to be just like Him.  I just couldn't possibly love you any more.
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Today, Adam and I had the incredible pleasure of spending the day at the beach with Eric and Caitlin.  We love every moment that we get to spend with these two, and were SO excited to spend the day just hanging out.  As they walked through the front door, we were greeted with something unexpected:

Wow. A bottle of wine, Euphoria chocolates, bubble bath, a candle, and a gift certificate to a romantic restaurant in Portland. 

And there was this:

A note of encouragement, with our biggest and most heartfelt desire written right on the seal.  It's like they pulled that one right out of my heart--knowing our most desperate desire and commiting to pray for it alongside us.  What a blessing, and it went right into the box. Honestly, I was completely blown away by how precious these two people are.  I just adore them.  Caitlin and Eric have loved on us in such incredible ways and been a constant support since the beginning.  The amount of thought and care that went into this basket just blows me away.   After we got home from the beach, and as were saying our goodbyes, Adam gave Eric the biggest bear hug--almost knocked his little brother over--and we all just doubled over in laughter.  If you knew these two boys well, you'd know that hugging has never been something they do--that's just not how they express themselves.  Over the years, Cait and I have been working on a little brotherly love, but usually any hugs exchanged are prompted by one of us girls.  But not today.  Adam's impromptu hug just tugged at my little heartstrings, because that's exactly how I feel.  Overwhelmed with love and gratitude for these amazing people God has given us to call family.   After they left, I just stood in the kitchen staring at the basket with little tears welling up in my eyes.  I am so touched. 

Eric and Cait, I don't even know where to start.  We love you two tremendously, and when we count our blessings, we count you each twice.  Thank you for praying with us, for telling us that you do, and for letting us know that we aren't in this alone.  I may never have the right words to express what that means.  My heart is full of love---it's just bursting in thankfulness for the tremendous ways you bless our life. 

___________________________

 
Do you see what I mean?  I wasn't lying when I said that we have been blessed.  God has poured out His love in amazing ways, through these amazing people.  We are so thankful, and we are so READY!

I'm ready to proclaim that this is THE month.  That we are going to step out in faith, praying specifically because we want it all, and we know that God wants to give it. 

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalms 5:3

 

OHSU

Lately, I've come to relish my quiet moments with God in a renewed way.  I'm hungry for them. I can't wait to carve out time in my day to encounter God in a new way.

Often, for me, these moments often take place as I travel from point A to point B alone in my car.  I crank up my Christian music, turn off my brain, open my heart and just listen and praise God for who He is and what He has done.   It's become a treasured time for me--a time to hang out with my Heavenly Father and just pour out my heart.  I literally picture myself sitting in Heaven's throne-room, wrapped in the loving arms of my Savior as we sit and talk about who I am and who He is in me.  I love these moments, because I can feel His arms holding me, and I can sense His Holy Spirit whispering words of love into my very soul.  It rejuvenates my soul. 

This past week, I was having a quiet time with God as I was driving down Highway 22 after dropping Adam off at work.  I was feeling scared and anxious about the upcoming ultrasound at OHSU, and I was telling God about my fears.   I was telling Him how much I want this trial to be over, I was praying for healing, but I was also committing every moment--every step--to His glory.  If this ends tomorrow, I will praise God for his faithfulness and His love.  If this ends in a year, I will praise God for his faithfulness and His love twofold.  If this ends in five years, my praises will not cease.  Why?  Because my heart understand that this is my cross.  This is my journey, this is the path God has laid out for me.  Jesus surrended His will to the greater plan, and when He tells us to take up our daily crosses, He speaks as One who was crucified.   It's humbling to think about. 

I was reading the book Godology by Christian George this week, and there was a description of faith that really struck me.  George wrote, "Christian joy is greatest when the cross is heaviest."  Wow.  Really?  How can you be joyous in the face of life's potholes?  It seems counter-intuitive, and yet, it is so true.  This year has been painful beyond anything else I've ever experienced, but my joy has never been greater.  I have encountered God and He has changed me.  Molded my heart.  Filled in the little holes so it beats only for Him.  I am infinitely grateful for the chance to know my Savior in such an intimate way. 

In the same book, the author relays an amazing discussion between a trapeze artist and a curious onlooker.  The description captures such a tender image of our God, and I wanted to share it: 

"As a flyer, I must have complete trust in my catcher.  The public might think I am the great star of the trapeze, but the real star is Joe, my catcher.  He has to be there for me with split-second precision, and grab me out of the air as I come to him in the long jump...The secret is that the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything."

"Nothing?" The man replied.

"Nothing.  The worst thing a flyer can do is try and catch the catcher.....If I grab Joe's wrist I might break them, or he might break mine, and that would be the end of both of us.  A flyer must fly, and a catcher must catch, and the flyer must trust, with outstretched arms, that the catcher will be there for him. "

Wow.  Isn't that an amazing description of living with and for God?  In this life, it's not about what we do, because it all points back to Him.  We are who He made us to be, and God never drops his catch.  In the circus of life, we release the trapeze and soar...all the while secure in the knowledge that we can trust our Catcher.  Christ never loses what He wins.  God will never let us fall.
_______________________________

I want to end this by saying that our appointment at OHSU went very well.  We are very encouraged, and have had our prayers answered in that we saw clear signs that the hormone therapy worked this month.  We go back on Thursday (our 3 year anniversary) to check again and have a definitive answer for what we can expect to see happen this month.  It makes me giggle to see how God orchestrated my cycle, and our appointments, so that this very special and important day will fall on the 3-year anniversary of our commitment to God and each other.  Touche, God, touche. :) He is so good, and His timing so perfect. 

We also want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all the prayers and encouragement.  We felt them on Sunday as we waited for the doctor--just a sense of peace and the knowledge that we were being uplifted.  We ask you to continue those prayers as we wait to see what Thursday will bring.

Love and hugs,
A&M

Painful Circumstance

I’ve been thinking a lot about trials.  About the dichotomy of a loving, compassionate God and painful life circumstances that just don’t make sense.  It’s a question that people ask all the time.  How could a God that loves us allow such painful things to happen to His people?   Why does God want us to feel pain?

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about that at various points over the last nine months.  I’d be lying to say it hasn’t crossed my mind.  And in praying about it and studying the Bible, I’ve come to one really big conclusion.

1. God is not punishing me. 

When we go through trials, the first reaction we often have is to rebel, ask God the hard questions:  Why is this happening?  What I have done?  Why are you doing this to me??

Those are natural questions, but to answer them, we have to take a step back.  I think of life--at any given moment--very much like a Polaroid picture.  A snapshot.  How can we possibly hope to drink in the magnitude of the view if we're stuck looking at only one frame of a panoramic shot?  We just have to step back. 

When I think about trials, my mind wanders to Job in the Bible.  If ever there was a trial by fire, it was given to Job.   

Job was a man who followed God. In the opening verses of Job, the devil recieved permission from God to tempt him--to take his family and wealth from him. The devil struck Job with boils, and yet, he never cursed God. Job's friends and wife pleaded with him to curse God and die, to accept that he was being punished for some unseen wrongdoing, but Job refused to believe it.  He remained strong, and in the end, the Lord blessed him twofold of all that he had lost.

What struck me recently as I was reading this book of the Bible was God's incredible, unwavering faith and belief in His servant.  God allowed Satan to tempt Job, to test him, and to take away all of his earthly possessions.  He allowed him to push Job to the breaking point, because He had faith in the heart and soul of His servant.  He wasn't punishing Job.  He chose Job.  He pointed him out to Satan!  God believed in him.  He was pleased with him, and He wanted to use Job's faith and devotion as a powerful witness.   In verse 8 of chapter 1, God describes Job this way: "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."

That description gets me every time.

I want God to describe me that way.  "Have you considered my servant Mandy?  There is no one on earth like her."  I want God to use me in a mighty way.  

I don't believe for a second that God gives us trials to punish us.  Instead, I believe that we can look at every valley as God's personal thumbs-up sign--Hey, will you walk this road for Me? I love you, I know you can do it, and I'll walk right beside you the whole way.  

Debbie Downer

Ugh.  Today was not my favorite, and I'm going to warn you, I'm having a bit of a pity party for 1 right about now.   

I had blood drawn on Monday so that my progesterone levels could be checked, and today, I got a call from my doctor's nurse to let me know that they were extremely low.  And while this doesn't surprise us--we were expecting it based on the ultrasound findings earlier this month--it still hit me like a ton of bricks.  I sat in my office at school with tears welling up in my eyes as I talked to the nurse.  She was very kind, and like I said, this wasn't even unexpected! I guess I'm just always on the lookout for a miracle...

She gave me some information and told me she'd called in my new prescription for next month, and after I'd thanked her and was about to hang up, she paused, and said in the sweetest and most genuine voice said: "Good luck, Mandy, we're all pulling for you."  It completely touched my heart, and I could barely choke out a thank you as I struggled over the huge lump in my throat. I hung up with tears in my eyes, but gratitude in my heart.  That little piece of encouragement--from a stranger I've only ever talked to on the phone--was exactly what I needed in that moment.  God is so good to me.  He always knows just what I need and how best to give it to me.

I sat in my office with the door closed for a few minutes before I called Adam.   It's always a struggle for me when I have to call with results like that, because the moment I hear his voice I just lose it.  I start crying.  I just know how badly we want this, and I am constantly struggling with feelings of inadequacy for not being able to get the job done.  Good thing God gave me such an amazing man to call my husband, because Adam told me exactly what I already knew, but needed to hear:  I love you, you're not in this alone, there is a bigger picture here, and it WILL happen.  I know that's true, and I'm so grateful I have the husband I have to hold me through the storms.   

Okay.  Ready for the pity party?  Here it comes....

I am so looking forward to the day when I can answer a call from OHSU and hear good news.  I feel like we keep getting knocked down.  This month alone, I've been in for three ultrasounds, two blood draws, been on two different hormone therapies, and have spent over $100 on a variety of kits that we use here at home to monitor every aspect of my cycle.  And after all that, we're now back to square one, waiting another 10 days before we can start the process all over.  Boy do I ever feel like a lemon.   

I just feel like I am already fighting so hard for this baby that I have yet to meet.  And I won't stop fighting, because babies are worth waiting for.  They are the most precious gifts from above. 

So now I'll take another deep breath and remind myself we're not walking this road alone. 

The Lord replied, "The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you."

 Some days, faith comes easily.  Other days, my humanity takes over and I am consumed with worries and doubts.  On those days, faith is a conscious choice, a decision I make to keep my eyes planted firmly on God, rather than on all the commotion going on around me.  Some days it's really hard. Some days, it's only by faith that I can say through my tears,

"All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

As time passes, I know I'll be able to look back on these experiences and see how the hand of God protected, guided, and used this flame (okay, today it feels like an inferno) of life to refine us and bring about His glory.   

So today, I'm thankful for:

• The steadfast love of my Savior
• An amazing man to walk with me through life
• Family that loves on me no matter what
• Adam's Baptism Birthday...this Sunday
• The promise of what's to come  

Thanks for walking with us,

A&M

In the valley

Well hello again :)

Today we had a mid-cycle check up at OHSU.  We had been hoping to see that the hormone therapy I have been on for the past month has worked and set us back on track for baby-making, but unfortunately, that was not to be.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dissapointed.  It was a tearful drive home.

Even though it's tough--heartbreaking, really--to hear that the past month hasn't changed anything, I wouldn't go back and change a second of this journey. Not one second. Check this out:

A month ago, I got to sit in the parking lot of Adam's office for two hours as we poured out our hearts to each other, and I got to hold his hand and pray with him as he rededicated his life to Christ.  God could not have given me a more precious gift. 

In two weeks, I'll get to sit in the church I grew up in and watch as my dad baptizes the love of my life in the same baptismal I was baptized in so many years ago.  And my dad baptized me, too.

Is the timing of those events a coincidence?  Never.  God has already used this journey to accomplish great things, and I know that He will continue to do so.  He has touched our hearts and broken our will (not my will, but Your will be done), and shown us how to live for Him, to see His will be done, and to keep our eyes fixed on heaven as we walk through this life He has given us.   We praise Him for his faithfulness, for the amazing doctors at OHSU that He has placed in our lives for such a time as this, and for the promise of what's to come.

I don't have the answers.  I don't know where this road will lead.  I'm human; I feel scared, I feel alone, and I feel broken.  But it's not my humanity that defines me.  I'm none of those things.  I'm being held in the biggest bear hug by my Lord and Savior, and I have faith in the knowledge that He won't let go.  Ever.

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy Word
Even when I cannot see, I still believe.

Thanks for sharing this journey with us.  We again ask for prayer; specifically, for God to work his magic on my body so that when we return to OHSU on Wednesday, we will be met with some positive news.  "And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." -Matthew 19:26


Until next time,

A&M

Journey of Faith

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). 

I'd like to invite you into our lives for a little bit as I share with you a journey that Adam and I have been on for the past eight months.  We are opening up our lives to share some of the most vulnerable aspects of who we are, and we do so with the full knowledge that we are imperfect people leading imperfect lives.  We don't have all the answers, but we do know The One who does. 

First and foremost, we ask you to partner with us in prayer as we continue this walk of faith.   We ask that you raise your hands in praise with us as we give glory to, and wait upon, our Lord and Savior. 

I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.

A little over eight months ago, Adam and I made the decision that we wanted to start a family.  When we made that decision, we were giddy with anticipation of becoming pregnant and welcoming a new baby into our family.  We had every reason to assume it would happen for us like we had seen it happen for so many other young couples, and we were excited.  We talked about all the things we'd do "next summer" and always had the caveat that I would probably be pregnant.  

As I type this, it's hard to think back to those days.  Summer is upon us, and I'm not pregnant.  We're still learning the reasons for that, and are working with a wonderful doctor up at OHSU to try and "reset" my hormones so they are working at full capacity.   Right now, we don't have the answers.  In many ways, we're in a holding pattern as we wait to see how my body reacts to the medications I've been given.  

Man, it's been rough.     

This has been a journey of heartache, sadness, fear, and anger.  It has been a journey that has pulled us apart, led us into one another's arms, and brought us to our knees.  It has been humbling.  There were days when I was literally crying out to God, tears pouring down my face, as I wondered why this trial was given to us.  There were days when I felt unbelievably alone, confused, and absolutely lost.   

But God's so much bigger than that.   

This has been a journey that has healed us in ways we could never have fathomed, and didn't even know existed.  This has been a journey that has touched our soul, awakened a hunger, and revealed an unshakable promise about who we are and who we were always meant to be.  We have grown.  We have been blessed.  Individually we are not the same people we were when we began this journey, and together we are stronger than ever. 

As I think back to all the lows over the past year, I can't help but pair them with all of the incredible highs.  God has been with us every moment.  He has constantly revealed Himself to us when we were at our lowest, filling us with the peace that comes from knowing that we are not alone, that He is in control, and that there is a finish line....even though we can't see it.   

We are resting in that knowledge. 


This journey isn't over yet, but we want to share it with you.  We want to live it out loud as a testimony to the Almighty God we serve.   Will you walk this road with us?