Blake Louis

Blake Louis arrived at 8:40PM on Thursday, August 18th.  After 13 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing, he came out screaming, weighing 10 pounds 7 ounces and measuring 22 inches long.  He is perfect. 

Blake at one day old

 

 

 

Blake at 6 days old.  Tomorrow he will be ONE WEEK old.  Oh my.

 And now...I leave you with some ridiculous cuteness:

That is one adorable little guy.

Sorry to take so long for the update :)  Life has been BUSY with a newborn.  We're loving every minute, even the hard ones.  We are feeling so blessed!!  

Back (hopefully) soon with more updates and pictures of our baby boy!

Redeemed

I spent about an hour one morning this week reading back through my posts from the last couple of years.  I ended my little trip down memory lane with big, fat tears running down my face.

Happy tears. 

Maybe that's so significant for me today because it hasn't always been the case.  So many of the tears I've cried throughout this journey have been tears of deep, profound sadness.  Tears of longing.  Tears of heartache.  Tears cried out of fear.  Tears that streamed down my face as I drove with the radio blasting, asking why, asking how and desperately pleading for an answer to my pain.

Well, now I have my answer.  The answer is, and always has been, Blake.  This little boy is the child God has been preparing us for.  This is the child that God knew, during every dark day, would someday be the one we'd have in our arms.  I can hardly wrap my head around the magnitude of that.  I can so clearly remember the heartache, the fear and sadness, but it's overshadowed tenfold by how God redeemed that heartache.  My timing was imperfect; my pleading so often in vain.  And you know what?  I wouldn't have had it any other way, because if I had gotten what I wanted when I wanted it, I would never have carried this precious little boy that God has intended for me since the beginning of time. 

The sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes with the morning.

It's absolutely humbling to look back now and see how God has worked in our lives and given us this story.  I once wrote about being in a desert, and about Adam and my commitment to preparing our fields for the harvest that we believed God was going to send.   Now, here we are, standing in a glorious downpour, and all I can think to do is raise my hands in praise to the One who has transformed our lives in such a tangible, real way.  There aren't words for the joy we feel.  There aren't words for the love that we have for the baby God has gifted us with. 

So many of you have asked me questions about infertility, or in vitro, or simply reached out and shared your own story of longing and loss.  Sometimes I hear your stories and it leaves me speechless, because the pain you feel is so tangible.  I can feel it.  I can remember it.   I know the pain of infertility is unlike anything else in life.  It's like being in a choke-hold.  It's hard to even breathe without being reminded of the heartache.  It's overwhelming. 

But I also know that God will redeem your heartache.  The desire to be a momma is God-breathed.  It's a promise written on your heart by the One who made you.  I believe that.   The path to motherhood looks different for all of us, but I know that we serve a God who will never leave or forsake you.  Your heartache is not forgotten.  Your story isn't over yet.

I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion 

Philippians 3:6 

If the Bible says it, we can believe it. 

For Adam and I, our story isn't over yet either.  Our journey to Blake was beautiful, it was perfect, and it was truly just the beginning.  We don't know where the rest of our journey will take us, but we do know that we are committed to walking this road with hearts full of thanksgiving and faithfulness.  How could we not?  God has already shown us so clearly that His plan is so much better than anything we could have dreamed up on our own. 

And for all of you who are knee-deep in the muck of your own journey?  I want to encourage you not to be weighed down.  Lift your eyes up to the hills!  Where does your help come from? Your help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth (Psalms 121).  There's really no one better to have on your team. 

37 Weeks

Well, we made it!  As of yesterday, Blake is officially full term.  It is such a relief to know that anything unexpected happening at this point, like, say my water breaking, is okay and normal.  And he'd be okay to come.

Thank you, Lord, for protecting our precious little boy throughout this entire pregnancy.  We continue to pray for his protection as we welcome him into the world!!

And speaking of welcoming him....our doctor says anytime!  I am progressing nicely.  I'm effaced, but not dilated yet.  Our doctor says things can change fast between weeks 37 and 40, so we just don't know.  We're on baby watch.  We go back on Tuesday to see how things are looking....

Would you pray with us now for the safe delivery of our little boy?  To God be ALL the glory for this miracle baby!  We are so in love.

I'll leave you with a bare belly shot of me at 37 weeks.  Please ignore the fact that I haven't taken a shower and I have no make-up on.

August

Well, it's August.  And you know what that means.....


.....BLAKE IS ALMOST HERE!!!!

I can barely contain my excitement.   I can't wait to kiss this those soft little cheeks and look into the precious little baby eyes that are half of me and half of the man I love.   I can't wait to tell him how much I love him, or witness those first few moments when the doctor hands our little man to his daddy and says here's your son.  I can't wait to see the way Adam will look at him, and I can't wait for Adam to bring him over to me and for us to experience those first few moments as a family of three.  I just can't wait.

Adam woke me up this morning with a kiss, a smile, and a "Happy August, baby....did you know that we're having our baby this month?"  

I love that man.

We have our next doctor's appointment tomorrow, and we'll hear the game plan.  A lot depends on whether Blake Louis has decided to flip, stay, and engage.  If not, we need to talk about our options.  As much as I want him to just flip already, I also feel very at peace about the whole thing.  God has protected this little boy from the moment of his conception, before that really, and I have confidence in placing this situation in His able hands.  We'll get him out safely, one way or the other, and that's all that matters.

While we wait for Blake's birthday to arrive, we'll be keeping ourselves plenty busy.  August is jam-packed.  Here's our rundown:

1.  Blake hits full term this Wednesday, the 3rd, and Adam and I are celebrating with a date night.  We're pretty well aware that our just the two of us nights will be quickly coming to a close, and while we're thrilled for the implications of that, we're also committed to savoring these last few weeks where we have the freedom to do as we please and enjoy each other.

2. This weekend (the 6th) Adam and I are throwing a shower for his brother and fiance, who are getting married on the 19th.  It should be lots of fun!  I love throwing parties, and this one should be beautiful.  I'm going with a bright, summery color palette and doing a dessert bar.   I think the shower will be pretty well-attended, so I'm just planning a couple games and keeping the whole thing low key.  I've been inspired by Pinterest...surprise, surprise. 

3. We have about a billion birthdays to celebrate in the month of August.  Several of our good friends have birthdays at the beginning of August, and then we have my grandpa turning 92 on the 16th and my brother turning 28 on the 19th.  This means lots of cake, which equals one happy pregnant lady.

4.  As I mentioned before, Adam's younger brother is getting married on the 19th.  Adam is the best man.  That's literally days away from Blake's due date, and if he's not already here, we'll be just about as close as we can get.  We've been giving Blake some pep talks to make sure he knows the 19th isn't a good choice for a birthday (it's already his Uncle Tony's bday, and his other Uncle will be busy getting married...)

In addition to all that, we've still got our Baby To-Do list that keeps getting things added to it.  I think I'll post it sometime this week to help keep us accountable, ha! :)

Tomorrow, I'll be checking a big item off the list when I make and freeze 13 dinners for after Blake gets here.  Freezer meals are my new obsession.   I'm so curious to see how they'll work, and if they'll be convenient for a busy family.  Stay tuned!

This, that, and everything else

I should apologize for being such a bad blogger. 

There’s really no excuse, especially since it’s summer and I’m just sitting at home.  Well, let me back up.  I haven't exactly been sitting at home; I’ve been busy…but more on that later.   

Anyway, the real reason for the lack of posts is because it’s gotten a bit awkward to type on my laptop.  I usually sit on the couch with my laptop on my legs and type away, but as my belly gets bigger it becomes more of a balancing act to get both hands on the keyboard while still keeping the laptop secured on my legs. 

Tricky. 

Anyway, here's my attempt at a quick catch up:

My biggest piece of news is a huge answer to prayer: I got a job!  Tuesday morning I applied  for a position with the educational foundation associated with the district where I preciously taught, Tuesday afternoon I got a call for an interview, Thursday I had a phone interview, and then today I met the woman hiring and she offered me the position on the spot!  God is so good.  

I will be working as an after-school instructor in the district for the foundation’s at-risk youth program.  It’s four days a week, 3 hours a day with an optional fourth hour (not sure if we’ll go for that or not) working in the schools with groups of 6-12 students.  As a teacher, I was a salaried employee, but this position pays close to what my per diem rate would have been in my salaried position.  It’s an absolute answer to prayer.  We knew that I wasn't looking for a 20-hour-a-week part time job, simply because we are embracing the opportunity God has gifted us with for me to be at home with our baby.  This, however, works out to just about 12 hours a week and is in the late afternoon when Blake can be taken care of by his daddy, my mom, or my dad (in fact, his grandparents are in negotiations over who gets to adjust their work schedule in order to be the lucky caregiver for their grandbaby).   And for me, I only have to be away from my baby for 3 hours.  AND…the position doesn’t start until October.  Perfect. 

We are just so in awe of how God has, once again, provided.  We’ll still be pretty tight monetarily, but this extra income gives us just enough to make us feel more comfortable, and it uses my skill set and keeps my resume current.  We are so thankful. 

Now, onto the fun stuff!

First of all, I have some shower photos to share. 

The first was a few weeks ago, thrown by my mom for some of my girlfriends.  She went all out.  It was absolutely amazing.  Check out this food spread:

Are those not the cutest things?!  She made these from scratch.  My mom is amazing!  The shower had a jungle theme, and all of the food had an appropriately-themed name.  Can anyone tell my mom's a teacher???  So creative :)

Next was my fourth and last shower, which was two weekends ago.  Blake was spoiled once again! 

"Pee Pee Tee Pees" from my Aunt...hilarious

My Grandma embroidered the edges of these receiving blankets!  So precious!!

The BEAUTIFUL, handmade quilt my mom sewed for Blake.  What a precious gift!!!

My Grandma and I!

Adam and I feel so fortunate to have the amazing friends and family that we do.  Prepping for a baby is expensive, and overwhelming, and it is only by the grace of God that we have found ourselves surrounded by such generous people who are willing and wanting to support us and Blake through this season.  We have felt SO loved, and just hope that these precious people know how much we love them, too!! 

Lastly, I wanted to share some more maternity photos.  As I blogged before, we had some professional photos taken by KC Photography, and we got our prints back last week!  We LOVE them!  I love how they capture this special time in our lives.  This set of maternity pictures was taken around 30 weeks:

We were ALSO blessed to have some additional maternity photos taken by a dear friend of my mom’s, who is an extremely talented photographer and offered to take the photos for free.  Have I mentioned how abundantly blessed we are?!  Shelly was so easy to work with, and the pictures turned out absolutely breathtaking.  We are so grateful for these pictures to look back on to remember our miracle baby and pregnancy.  This set of pictures was taken around 34 weeks. 

Today, I'm 36.5 weeks along and anxiously awaiting our 37 week (FULL TERM) appointment on Tuesday!  Blake is literally days away from being able to come anytime he pleases.  Bags will be packed by Tuesday and carseats will be installed!  It's officially time for baby watch!!

35 week update

We just got back from the doctor for our 35 week checkup.  Here's the news:

1. Most important of all, Blake is doing great :)  His heart rate is strong and right-on track for 35 weeks, and he's moving and active and doing all the things he should be doing inside my belly. We are so grateful that God has protected our little boy.  He'll be in our arms before we know it!!
2. Blake is a big boy.  Adam asked our doctor what she estimated his weight would be at delivery, and she looked at us and said: "Well, you're definitely growing a big one in there.  I'd say he'll be 9 pounds or more at delivery."  While we know these estimates are often wrong, we also know that big babies run on both sides of the family.  I was over 8 pounds, my brother was 10, and Adam was over 9.  So, we'll see :)
3. He's still breech.  At 35 weeks, we were really hoping he would have turned.  Our doctor is out of town next week, so we won't see her again until August 2nd.  She said that if he hasn't turned by that appointment, then we'll talk about our options.  If he's still breech, we'll talk about the possibility of turning him in utero with an ECV (external cephalic version) which is done in a hospital and can cause stress to the baby and/or complications that would result in an emergency c-section.  Not to mention it's supposedly painful to the momma.  Although I don't care one tiny bit about any discomfort to me, Adam and I feel very uncomfortable with anything that would cause any risk to him in utero.   Please pray with us that he'll turn on his own before then!  If we do end up needing a c-section, I thought I would mention that would likely be scheduled between weeks 38 and 39...so, that's like 3-4 weeks away.  Wow.  Honestly, we'll do whatever is best for Blake.  We've done so much and God has brought us so far to even get to this point, and we know that his plan for Blake's birth is perfect!  Thank you for praying with us :) 

I'll be back later this week with shower pictures and updates on the nursery and house!

Just another night with the Breitensteins...

A couple of nights ago, I told Adam that we were going to have a photo shoot.  I had an idea for some wall art that involved taking some film strip-esque photos.  So, I grabbed our Canon Rebel, set up the tripod, and put it on continuous shooting in the hallway.

At first, Adam moaned and groaned about it.  Clearly, he wasn't feeling the photo session. 

But then, the camera starting flashing.

And this is what I got:

Then things started getting a little goofy:

And then all heck broke loose.  Check out these facial expressions: 

....and then he grabbed the dogs.  Poor Emma and Toby were desperately trying to escape. 

My husband is such a nut.  And these weren't even the outtakes.  I am so blessed to be married to a man who can be silly with me.  Can't wait until he gets to show this silly side to his baby boy!!!

8 Months

Today I hit 32 weeks, or eight months, with our little guy.  That means we’re 8 weeks away from his due date, and just five weeks away from when he’ll be considered full term.  Holy cow.

Here we are at about 31 weeks:

So what’s new in the pregnancy?

• We had maternity photos taken a few weeks ago, and we love LOVE what we’ve seen so far.  We can’t wait to see the rest!

 

• Blake’s still a big mover.  At our last checkup, he was facing mostly downward, but not yet engaged.  I’m pretty sure this is because he is constantly flipping and turning in my belly!  When I feel him hiccup (usually in the morning) I can tell that his little head is down in the direction it needs to be….so we’ll see what our doctor says next week when we go back.

• I’m pretty sure I doubled in size between months 7 and 8.  Every time I go anywhere, I have people ask if I’m about to pop.  When I respond with no, I have two more months I get a variety of shocked responses.  My favorite was the lady who exclaimed, oh Lord have mercy! and then proceeded to ask me if I was carrying twins, or if not twins, just a moose.  Nope, there’s just one in there.  But thanks for that.

• I’ve been working out 6 days a week for 40 minutes.  I can’t do the treadmill anymore because it’s uncomfortable to walk that long, but something about the motion of the elliptical is just perfect and I could do it forever.  I’m trying to log between 12-15 miles per week, which has been pretty doable.   

• We’re going to the doctor every two weeks at this point, and I think once I hit 35 weeks we’ll switch to every week.  Crazy that we’re already at that point.  Blake is still measuring about a week ahead.

•  So far, we’ve had three beautiful showers for our baby.  His room is stocked with a lot of what he’ll need, but it’s amazing how much more there still is to get.  I guess babies really do need a lot of stuff, huh? We have one more shower in July, and then after that, we’ll hit the stores and pick up whatever we still need.  It’s such a huge blessing to have so many wonderful friends and family who have been so generous in gifting us what we’ll need for our little man.

• Adam is still reading to Blake a lot, and when he’s not reading to him he’s singing him songs or talking to him with his lips really close to my belly.  Adorable.  Watching your husband become a dad is an incredibly tender and romantic experience.  As a woman, I’ve often dreamt of the things my husband would do with our future babies, but seeing it actually come true, and realizing what an incredible dad my kids will have….it melts my heart.  It’s such a special time in our marriage.  I love Adam more today than I’ve ever loved him before…and I didn’t even know that was possible. 

• Nesting is hitting in full force.  Since being off work, I’ve washed every single piece of clothing we own, rearranged our walk-in master bedroom closet, had Adam rearrange our room so our bed faces the hallway (so I can see Blake’s room), been incredibly consistent about not having dishes pile up in the sink, and redone the guest bath.  Still on the agenda?  We’re painting the master bath, redoing a couple pieces of furniture in the living room, and I’m making a bed skirt for our bed.  Phew.  We’ll get there.

• I’m starting to waddle.  Blake sits so low that it’s hard not to.  I don’t do it all the time, but I know as soon as I start, because Adam will laugh at me. 

• I still have no idea how much weight I’ve gained, because I’m still not looking.  I have decided that I’ll weigh myself right as we leave for the hospital.  That way, I’ll know how much I gained in total, but won’t worry about it because I’ll be too busy giving birth!

• We celebrated Adam’s first Father’s Day with a trip to Astoria to visit The Columbia River Maritime Museum.  Adam’s choice, and he loved it!  Here’s a couple pictures:

My parent's bought Adam this for Father's Day!  We are going to have him wear it home from the hospital with Blake :)

And then...before I end this, I want to add in some pregnancy milestones so I don't forget :)

Pregnancy Milestones

• Gender Reveal: 18.5 weeks
• First Kick: I started feeling Blake kick at about 16 weeks
• First time daddy felt him kick: The night we revealed the gender to our families….so at about 19 weeks 
• First Hiccup: 22 weeks

HE'S ALMOST HERE!   

We're so excited :):)

 

A letter to my daddy (Love, Blake)

Dear Daddy,

Mommy tells me that there was a pretty special day recently; a day that’s all about celebrating dads.  Well, I thought that was pretty neat, especially since I have the best daddy of all, and so I asked mom to help me write you this little note (and don’t worry, I’m sure she translated everything correctly, because I was keeping close tabs on her via a few swift kicks to the abdomen…..)

It didn’t take me long to realize that God gave me a pretty special gift in a daddy like you.  I just love your silly giggle (don’t tell, but I inherited that from you…just wait until you hear it, it's pretty cute!) and get so excited when you get down low, really close to mommy’s belly, and talk to me.  Your laugh makes me so happy, and I get so excited at the sound of your voice that I can’t help but wiggle all over!  I’m counting down the days until I can look up at you and share my very best smile…the one I’m reserving just for you, just for my daddy.

I also love what good care you take of my mommy.  She told me how you have to put her shoes on now, and how you wake up with her in the middle of the night to help her find a comfortable place to sleep.  I’m trying to find a comfortable spot too, which is why I get so squirmy in there!  Mommy says you have a heart of gold, and that you are the kindest and gentlest man she has ever met.  She says you’re a man of integrity.  I think that means you’re someone I can look up to.  And that’s a good thing, because you’re already my hero, daddy, just like you’ve always been mommy’s.

I know it took a long time for you and mommy to have me, but I’m glad God had you wait, because if He hadn’t I would never have gotten to have you as my daddy.   God picked the perfect man to watch over me on this earth, and He gave me the greatest blessing in getting to be the only person on earth that will get to call you daddy.  That makes me feel pretty special; pretty loved. 

It won't be long now until I'm ready to have my very first birthday celebration.  I'm getting ready to make my grand entrance as we speak.  I just can't wait to meet you.  I've been waiting so long to see your face, and I know you've been waiting for me, too.  

I already love you so, so much daddy.

Until then, Happy First Father’s Day!  I'm sending you a giant, wet baby kiss that you'll have to wait about 9 weeks to get.  

Oh, and next year? Let’s go fishing.

Love forever and ever,

Your little buddy, Blake 

Daddy Adam

Here's a video of Adam reading to Blake.  This is just a snapshot of an everyday thing at our house....yes, we have a lot of fun :) This man is an absolute goof and I love it.  He's already such an amazing daddy. 



(sorry it's sideways--I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to rotate the video!)

Second Trimester Recap

I’m in my third trimester?

I’m in my third trimester.

I’m in my third trimester!!

We’re looking at only about 12 weeks until we hit Blake’s due date.  We also know it’s true that anytime after 36 weeks (only 8 weeks from now) Blake could come join us. 

Wow.  That hits like a ton of bricks.  We can’t wait.

So what about the second trimester?  Here’s my recap:

Weeks: As of tomorrow, I’m 28 weeks along and officially 7 months prego!  Where does the time go….

Weight Gain: Yes.  The end, no more to say ;)  I’ve gained weight, more than I wanted to, but it seems to pile on no matter what I do.  So, I’m embracing it.  The scale is now living in the closet and I don’t look at the doctor’s office scale anymore.  I don’t want to obsess over the number; I want to marvel in the miraculous journey that is pregnancy. My body is doing what it was designed by God to do; grow a human life.  I’m trusting that my body knows what kind of ‘reserves’ it needs to do that, so whatever is left over once Blake makes his grand appearance, I’ll just lose. 

Cravings: Cereal!  I love love love my cereal.  In fact, I eat it for dinner almost every night.  That also means I’m loving milk.  We buy nonfat milk from Costco because you can get it in bulk.  I go through a package all by myself in under two weeks.  I am also loving fruit: watermelon, grapes, and strawberries are my current favorites.  I usually pick up a prepared fruit dish from Fred Meyer on my way to work in the morning…unless, we have some handy at our house (but we usually don’t, because I’m always munching on whatever we’ve got after work).  Other than that?  Pickles.  Just by themselves, not with anything weird. 

Clothes:  Still wearing a size 2 maternity pant, and XS/S maternity tops…although most of the shirts I wear are from my regular wardrobe.  I find I can pair a maternity tank with almost any shirt and that makes it long enough to cover my belly completely

Movement: This little guy is a mover and a shaker!  It’s been SO fun to see him move so much over the past month.  I feel when he moves, when he rolls around, when he pushes his foot against my belly…..everything.  My whole belly does the wave as he moves around at night.  It’s absolutely amazing and my favorite part of pregnancy.  If I push gently on my belly, he’ll push back.  Sometimes, he’ll stick a foot (or an arm, head, or butt) against my belly and hold it there, and I love to gently stroke it knowing that I am separated from my baby by literally inches.  Love, love it.   He also responds to both my voice and Adam’s voice, which thrills his daddy to no end, and he loves it when we read to him at night.  He’s pretty active all day long, and all night long, as he wakes me up at least once a night by doing a little river dancing inside my belly.  Hey, whatever you want to do, buddy. 

Doctor’s Appointments:  We just had one today, which went great!  Blake is measuring at 29 weeks, which is about a week ahead of schedule.  He’s been measuring a week ahead for the past couple months, which is no concern at all, just might mean we get to meet him a little earlier than expected!  His heart rate is great and he is healthy and growing right on schedule.  For the 7-month checkup (today), I had the gestational diabetes test.  Basically, all I had to do was drink a sugary/watery concoction an hour before my appointment and then they took my blood to make sure my body is breaking down the sugars correctly.  My doctor isn’t worried, it’s just routine.  We’ll have the results in a week or so.  Also, as of now, I am officially on the 3-week appointment schedule!   I’m far enough along that it’s time to start ramping up the doctor’s visits.

Symptoms: Nothing to complain about.  I’m still feeling great!  The only thing of note is how low I’m carrying Blake.  He’s all out in front, but down low.  It feels like he’s sitting on top of my bladder most of the time, which, of course, causes me to have to use the bathroom at very frequent intervals.  It also makes walking uncomfortable, because I find myself pretty sore down there in the nether regions.  Sleep has been a bit of a challenge, too, but I’m just cocooning myself with a ton of pillows and powering through it.  And ladies, my husband is the sweetest man alive.  He wakes up when I do and helps me reposition myself all throughout the night.  He pulls up my covers when I can’t reach them and even tucks me in at night so all I have to do is find a comfortable position to sleep.  He’s a gem.

What else?  This week is a week of firsts.  I have my first baby shower at school, Adam and I are going to our first birthing class (on Thursday night, for three hours) and we just had our 7 month doctor’s appointment!  We have also finished the nursery (pics soon, I promise) and got a great start on the playroom!

It would be an understatement to say that we are feeling mighty blessed. 

6 Months

We had our six-month checkup yesterday with my OB.  I'm happy to report that Blake is measuring right on track for a 25 week old baby (I'm actually 24 weeks, but apparently that's okay) and has a healthy, strong heartbeat.  He apparently does not like the doppler probe, however, which he kicked twice while my doctor attempted to get a heart rate.  That's my boy.

Here I am at six months:

And this is of Adam, Blake and I on Easter! 

Adopted and Loved

I was staring at the latest picture of Blake today, the one where he’s sucking his precious little thumb and has his other hand tucked up so adorably by his face, and I couldn’t help but feel incredibly, immeasurably, undeservedly blessed.

I have a human being living inside of me.  God has gifted Adam and I with a little boy, and in August, we’ll get to bring him into the world.

I wrote a blog post I never published months and months ago talking about how infertility has softened my heart. I wrote about all the ways God has changed me and revealed little snippets of my own character that He needed me to work on.  He’s drawn me into Himself, and in doing so, stripped me of the blinders we so often can have when it comes to our own life.  And I’ve learned a lot.

The biggest lesson by far has been the way this journey has changed my outward view.  Walking through infertility has made me want to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and instead wear the heart of my Savior.  God has given me a profound desire for a heart that listens more and judges less.

And that’s big, because it hasn’t always been me.

If you know me, then you know I’m an opinionated person. I’m passionate, and I believe in things strongly.  My heart breaks over abortion.  Nothing fires me up more than a good political debate.  I’m conservative in every sense of the word.  My husband calls me his firecracker (lovingly, I’m sure) and at times I have been known to be a bit sassy.  I come by these traits honestly (ahem, mom and dad) but I also know that they don’t necessarily reflect the heart of my Savior.
 
People don’t change because you yell at them. Hearts aren't softened by boisterous condemnation.  I can't change a life by judging an action.  Jesus came as a servant King.  He loved, and that’s what we’re called to do as well. 

And loving doesn’t have to mean agreeing.  Rather, it’s a conscious decision to love the person and let God deal with the sin.  How else can we be God’s transparent messengers of the Light in this dark, dark world?  It’s easy to condemn when you’ve never walked through the fire.  It’s easy to judge someone when you’ve never walked in their shoes.

And in light of all that, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how different people approach infertility.

After walking down this road myself, I am profoundly aware that at some point, as believers in Christ, each of our paths split and morph into the unique journey that God has allowed, laid out, for each of us.  I absolutely believe that, and I can support and encourage the journeys of others around me even though they may not mirror my own.  Why?  Because God made us individuals.  He made our stories unique.  I recently went to dinner with two dear friends, and one of them put it this way: since God dwells in each of us, our relationships with Him are personal.  I can’t fathom His relationship or the whispered guidance He gives to others, and others simply can’t fathom His relationship with me.  That’s God’s plan, His design, to enter into the intimacy of relationship with each of us.

Even with knowing that, and believing that, it’s hard for me to deal well with people who look at my story, at the path Adam and I have walked, and want to judge.  Who want to somehow diminish the life of my son because of the way he was conceived.

In the past month, I encountered some very harsh criticism that hurt.  It hurt because I’m a people-pleaser.  I’m also human, and part of being human is caring about what other people think of you.  And I’m also a mom.  And as a mom, when you talk about my kid, you’d better be prepared for the claws.

And yes, it all relates back to IVF.

I’m not going to name names and I’m not going to point fingers, but I am going to share some of what was said.  I think it’s important, because I know I’m not alone in the path God has led me down, and I also know that my story is not my own.  I didn’t pick this path for myself, I never imagined myself on it, but nonetheless God has used it time and time again and allowed us the honor and joy of proclaiming His goodness and mercy and His manifested faithfulness in all three of our lives.  I am absolutely committed to being that transparent witness for what He has done for me, and this blog is one way I do that.

So I want to share more with you.

When Adam and I found out that our best chances for pregnancy were through IVF, our immediate reaction was one of fear.  I’ve blogged about that in the past.  We had visions of sextuplets, selective reduction and discarded embryos flashing through our heads, and we looked at each other and thought: no way this could be happening to us.

It was surreal.

In those early days, we were defined by our fear of the unknown.  We cried in each other’s arms, we renewed our interest in adoption, we tried to picture our family as forever just the two of us.  And through all of that, in each scenario, it felt wrong.  We weren’t fulfilled.  The God-given desire of our heart was for a family of our own; babies that were half of me and half of him.  And so we got on our knees.  We prayed that God would lead.  We prayed for the courage to go where led.  We prayed for a miracle.

There was so much God-stuff that happened during those days of fear.  I’ve blogged about it all before, so I won’t repeat myself, but what I will say is that God’s voice was clear.  We knew that God had laid this path out for us.  We knew His hand was upon this journey, and when God moves…it’s best to move with Him.

So we did.  And He led us to IVF.

I want to pause here because so often I read blogs or commentaries or articles about IVF as the “easy choice”. Couples who choose IVF are taking "the easy way out."  I’d bet my next paycheck that anyone writing those words has never experienced in vitro, because let me tell you what, it’s no easy choice.  There are a million considerations. It’s emotional, it’s physical…it's everything.  It's the commitment to a dream; a commitment to the lives of babies you have never met, and yet are wholly in love with.  There are no limits to how far I’d go to protect that.  I’d do anything. My life is secondary.  And I think that does reflect the heart of my Savior.  After all, He went to the Cross for me.  That’s the ultimate example of sacrificial love.

So when I ran across an article discussing IVF in a horribly negative light (and I use "ran across" loosely...it was dropped in my lap in a purposeful way), I was really offended.  The article referred to IVF babies as “a product” brought into the world devoid of any love relationship between mother and father.  A product?  Blake just kicked me out of sheer indignation at the thought, and I’ll come back to that in a minute.

The person who shared the article also shared her thoughts that IVF carries with it the necessary acceptance of a certain loss.  I would answer that with a question: Isn’t that what earthly love is? When you choose to love someone here on earth, you accept that at some point in the future you will lose them or they will lose you. You choose to put your heart and soul into loving someone for whatever time God gives you with them on this earth. Not one day is a given, no tomorrow is certain, and yet we choose everyday to give up that control to the One who has numbered all of our days from before we were ever conceived. That’s love, and it’s always worth the risk.

In our case, there just aren’t words to describe how it feels to long for the babies that we have yet to meet. We wanted them all, and we entrusted their lives to the Father long ago. They are our babies, the children we prayed for, and we rest in the assurance that this earth is not their home anymore than it is ours. We can’t wait to meet them, and the promise of that day to come is very real in our hearts.

Is that the acceptance of a certain loss?  Not at all, because we haven’t lost them.  Our reunion is still to come, and it will be so, so sweet.

This person also wrote that IVF is presumptive of God’s gifts. There's so much I could say here.

I think it’s presumptive to assume that anyone can possibly hope to know God’s plan for the lives of others. I think it’s presumptive to imply in any way that the life of my son was spoken into existence by anyone other than his Creator.  That he is somehow "less" of a human or lacking a soul because of the path he took into our arms.  As a mom, I have a strong desire to defend my son.  But thank you sweet Jesus that I don’t need to.  Blake’s life speaks for itself. God’s amazing mercy and grace speaks through him, because Blake is His child, and God knew from the beginning of time the exact path Blake would take into this world. And that plan for his life was perfect, because it was ordained by the Father.

And everything I just wrote is exactly what I told the person who originally posted the article. 

So why am I sharing all of this?  Because I know we all struggle with doubts.  Because I know there are always going to people who want to engage in a shouting match to see whose voice echoes the loudest.  It's human nature.  We're imperfect, and all too often that imperfection brings us into head-on collisions with one another.

But we don't have to be a slave to it.

I'm not defined by what someone else thinks of me.  I serve a God who enters into relationship with us, who loves us wholly and uniquely, and who desires the same in return.  His ways are mysterious, and His panoramic squashes my Polaroid every time.  So I let Him define me. 

I don’t have all the answers.  I know that our path is not the path for everyone, and I respect and honor those couples who feel a different pull on their hearts.  Why?  Because it’s relational.  God uses our stories and our journeys in different ways, and that’s the beauty of His design.

What I do know is that God is my carpenter, and He’s still pounding out the imperfections so that my heart may mirror His.  Until that time, I pray that He makes me pliable, not rigid, so that His work may be done in and through me.

Our Baby

Just a few of the latest snapshots of our little man, taken at 23 weeks:

 His adorable little face

The baby growing inside of me!  Blake Louis Breitenstein, due August 24th!!

Pregnancy Stats: Week 22

Since this is my journal, this post is more for posterity than for anything else.  I haven’t done a great job of cataloging all the “firsts” in this pregnancy, and everyone says I should, so I’ve decided to do intermintent pregnancy status updates so I can remember all these precious little details of my nine months alone with Blake Louis.

Bear with me.

Weeks: Almost 23 weeks

Weight Gain: I’m going to be brave and just put it out there.  I’m up 16 pounds, with exercise five days a week and healthy eating.  I’ve been holding steady at a 16 pound weight gain for two weeks, so hopefully I’m leveling out for a bit.  For a while there, I could just look at a carton of ice cream and gain five pounds.  Really not fair, considering I didn’t even get to eat it.  

Cravings:  I’ve been loving cereal, nonfat cottage cheese (I think I make Adam stop for a new carton at least once or twice a week) and grapes (red or green, as long as they’re plump!)  I’m also really enjoying fruit smoothies (although I’m not convinced that’s pregnancy-related…I always crave those this time of the year!) and milk.

Clothes:  I wear a size XS/S in maternity and have been wearing maternity pants since like week 10.  I popped out early, and the baby bump is definitely there.  I have a few maternity shirts, but mainly just wearing my normal tops. 

Movement: TONS!  I started feeling Blake move at about 16 weeks, and now at 22, it’s pretty much a constant thing.  There are still days where he moves more than others,  but I haven’t had a single day pass where I haven’t felt some serious karate kicks from this little guy.  I’m also feeling him just rolling around in there, rather than just when he kicks.  It’s the coolest feeling to put my hands on my belly and feel him squirm around.  You can also see him moving from the outside!  I've also noticed that Blake seems to be a thinker, like his daddy.  He'll be rolling around and doing somersaults inside my belly, but the moment I call Adam over or he hears one of us talk, he freezes.  It's like he's listening intently to the sound of our voices.  Once we're done talking, he starts moving around again.  I've taken to some nonverbal eyebrow wiggles and facial contortions to let Adam know when to come over and feel him. 

Doctors Appointments:  We have our next ultrasound on Monday the 25th.  In addition to seeing our little guy on the big screen, we’ll also be checking to make sure my placenta has moved away from the cervix opening.  Prayers, please!

Symptoms:  I still haven’t had any nausea or morning sickness, although my doctor tells me I’m at the point in my pregnancy where that returns for some women. I have been having trouble sleeping comfortably.  I toss and turn all night long—I’m constantly moving from one side to the other as my back/hips/boobs (sorry, it’s true) all start to ache.  I’ve also been awaken a few time by Mr. Blake himself, as his kicks get stronger.  I keep telling him that nighttime is for sleeping and I’d like him to work on getting that routine down before he makes his grand appearance in August.  Overall he seems pretty agreeable, so we’ll see how that goes. 

Basically, this pregnancy has been a breeze.  Such a God thing.  It’s hard to believe we’re only a few short weeks away from the THIRD trimester!  Pretty soon we’ll be in single digits as we count down the weeks until Blake makes his grand entrance.  We can’t wait!  I honestly can’t even describe how in love we are.  It’s incredible.  I can’t imagine what it will be like to actually hold him in my arms and kiss his sweet little face.  I’m not a happy crier by nature, but in this case…I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to stop the tears of joy from falling. 

We Love You Because...

A few days ago, I fell in love with something I found on pinterest.  And then I traced it back to this blog, where I fell in love with it even more.

Anddd I had to have it. 

 Image from eighteen25

I considered buying the print, but then I realized it would be super easy to make.  And also super cheap.

So last night, Adam and I headed out to Michaels with a 40% off coupon (well, two actually...I always bring Adam in case I want to be able to use both coupons, therefore needing to make two separate purchases.  I know, sneaky).  I wanted a simple white frame like in the picture, but I also wanted it to be cheap.  I was over the moon excited when we scored a perfect white frame on clearance for $9.99.  And I didn't even need to use my coupon!

Then, this afternoon I stopped by Craft Warehouse and picked up a sheet of black craft paper (.50 cents) and two sheets of clear vellum paper (.50 cents each....I only needed one, but hey, a backup is always good).  I also picked up a black mat on clearance for $2.50.

Armed with my supplies, I sat down and created a very simple template in Word.  I changed the wording of the original print, because I wanted ours to read "we love you because..." rather than "i love you because".  I also changed the color of the font from white to a light green to better match Blake's nursery color scheme.  After printing several test copies and satisfying myself that it was how I wanted it/it would fit in the frame correctly, I printed it on the vellum paper and set to work putting it together.

This is what I came up with:

 
Different from the original, yes...but we love it.  And it was so simple to create. 

I immediately wrote my first message:

So true.  

The dry erase board marker wipes right off the glass.  It's amazing, and I love how interactive it will be for baby Blake.  I have visions of making these for each of our babies and hanging them in some sort of art display in a hallway, so our loves will know each and every single day a different reason that mommy and daddy are head over heals in love with them.  I just love it.  For Blake, Adam and I want him to know each and every moment of his life how much he is loved and treasured and adored, and I hope that someday this will be a special memory for him.  It already is for us.

We decided to hang the finished piece on the wall right next to Blake's door.  I wanted it to be somewhere we could easily reach it to change the message (...which you can see daddy Adam already did!) and this was the perfect place.  

I'm so happy with how this turned out, and when all was said and done, we spent less than $15.  I'm already planning out all the things I'll someday write on that message board....what sweet anticipation! 

 

You've Asked....

.....and we're delivering a very small sneak peak into Blake's nursery.

We are having so much fun creating this room for our little boy.  We're already more in love than I could ever put into words.

But before I show you that, let me show you the latest picture of our little man:

SO handsome, and quite advanced, as you'll notice he is giving you the #1 sign!

And now, here's our sneak peak:

Hard to tell from the sneak peak picture, but the wall color is Rainwashed by Sherwin Williams.  And no, that swing did not come with the house.

What's in a Name?

As you’ve probably noticed, Adam and I changed up our original choice for a boy name (Elijah James) and replaced it with something new.  I don’t really have a good reason why—Adam had kind of soured on the idea of Elijah and we both knew we wanted a name that we were absolutely sold on.  Duh.  This little guy is going to be stuck with this name his whole life through, and being given the chance to name someone is a pretty huge responsibility—not to mention an honor that we don’t take lightly. 

And so after much discussion we finally settled on the name of Blake.  There was no real rhyme or reason to it.  I was driving to work one day and the name popped into my head.  I instantly loved it, and once I got to my office I texted Adam and told him I was in love with a boy name and he wasn’t allowed to nix it right away without giving it some thought.  This immediate absolutely-not response had become his knee jerk reaction in the past few weeks, and I was pretty much positive that if he hated the name I’d be crushed.

Well, he didn’t hate it.  He actually really liked it. 

So then I did the next big thing when choosing a baby name: I googled it for meaning.  At first, I wasn’t impressed.  Blake is a Scottish name that literally refers to light/blonde hair.  It means “pale”.  Uh, lovely.  But I wasn’t to be dismayed, so I kept digging.  Most names have multiple meanings when you look hard enough, and sure enough, so did this one.  Finally, I stumbled across Blake’s Anglo-Saxon meaning, which (thankfully) is much more appropriate for our baby boy.  Blake means "Attractive, Forgiven: Redeemed: Forgiven through Grace"

What a perfect name for our little miracle baby.  Forgiven.  Redeemed.  A reminder of God’s grace. 

Ah, much better.

Satisfied that we had found the name, we started discussing middle names.  Louis was at the top of our list, because it is the middle name carried by my dad. 

My dad has been my number-one fan my entire life.  He’s been a best friend, a protector, and a role model for me my whole life through.  He’s encouraged me to reach for my dreams, to believe in myself, and—most of all—to never forget how loved I am.  We share such a special bond as father and daughter, and we are incredibly close.  I have precious memories of his whispered I love you little girl and his strong arms that were always there to hold me.  When Adam and I were married, he adopted my husband right into the family—immediately considering him a son and loving him in that same huge way.   His excitement to be a grandpa melts my heart, and I hope that Blake’s middle name will forever remind him of what a special relationship it is that exists between a daddy and his child.  I have been unequivocally blessed by the man I get the honor of calling my daddy, and that’s something that Blake and I will have in common.     

Louis is also the Americanized version of my Great-Grandpa’s name, Luigi.  We love that Blake will carry a little bit of both sides of the family with him as he grows.  His last name is wholly Adam, and his middle name is wholly my (Italian) heritage. 

Interestingly enough, Louis also means “warrior”….so if you put two and two together, we’re basically naming our son Pale Warrior Breitenstein.  Catchy, huh?

In any case, we love our little boy, and we think his name is perfect. 

 We can’t wait to meet you, Blake Louis!!!