Redeemed

I spent about an hour one morning this week reading back through my posts from the last couple of years.  I ended my little trip down memory lane with big, fat tears running down my face.

Happy tears. 

Maybe that's so significant for me today because it hasn't always been the case.  So many of the tears I've cried throughout this journey have been tears of deep, profound sadness.  Tears of longing.  Tears of heartache.  Tears cried out of fear.  Tears that streamed down my face as I drove with the radio blasting, asking why, asking how and desperately pleading for an answer to my pain.

Well, now I have my answer.  The answer is, and always has been, Blake.  This little boy is the child God has been preparing us for.  This is the child that God knew, during every dark day, would someday be the one we'd have in our arms.  I can hardly wrap my head around the magnitude of that.  I can so clearly remember the heartache, the fear and sadness, but it's overshadowed tenfold by how God redeemed that heartache.  My timing was imperfect; my pleading so often in vain.  And you know what?  I wouldn't have had it any other way, because if I had gotten what I wanted when I wanted it, I would never have carried this precious little boy that God has intended for me since the beginning of time. 

The sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes with the morning.

It's absolutely humbling to look back now and see how God has worked in our lives and given us this story.  I once wrote about being in a desert, and about Adam and my commitment to preparing our fields for the harvest that we believed God was going to send.   Now, here we are, standing in a glorious downpour, and all I can think to do is raise my hands in praise to the One who has transformed our lives in such a tangible, real way.  There aren't words for the joy we feel.  There aren't words for the love that we have for the baby God has gifted us with. 

So many of you have asked me questions about infertility, or in vitro, or simply reached out and shared your own story of longing and loss.  Sometimes I hear your stories and it leaves me speechless, because the pain you feel is so tangible.  I can feel it.  I can remember it.   I know the pain of infertility is unlike anything else in life.  It's like being in a choke-hold.  It's hard to even breathe without being reminded of the heartache.  It's overwhelming. 

But I also know that God will redeem your heartache.  The desire to be a momma is God-breathed.  It's a promise written on your heart by the One who made you.  I believe that.   The path to motherhood looks different for all of us, but I know that we serve a God who will never leave or forsake you.  Your heartache is not forgotten.  Your story isn't over yet.

I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion 

Philippians 3:6 

If the Bible says it, we can believe it. 

For Adam and I, our story isn't over yet either.  Our journey to Blake was beautiful, it was perfect, and it was truly just the beginning.  We don't know where the rest of our journey will take us, but we do know that we are committed to walking this road with hearts full of thanksgiving and faithfulness.  How could we not?  God has already shown us so clearly that His plan is so much better than anything we could have dreamed up on our own. 

And for all of you who are knee-deep in the muck of your own journey?  I want to encourage you not to be weighed down.  Lift your eyes up to the hills!  Where does your help come from? Your help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth (Psalms 121).  There's really no one better to have on your team.