Adam's 27th Birthday

Last year, we started a little tradition of celebrating Adam's birthday with a big brunch with the family.  So, true to form, I invited over my family for a delicious brunch in honor of my main squeeze!  The food was delicious.

We had cinnamon roll waffles, homemade Orange Julius', whole wheat banana bread pancakes, a sausage casserole, and homemade granola bites!  I made Adam a couple of special birthday banners, using old pictures I had of him on my computer being goofy (go figure...).  And, because the theme of this celebration was brunch, I wanted his cake to match.  So, I baked cupcakes inside of hollowed out egg shells (you can see the carton of 'cupcake eggs' underneath the happy birthday banner in the above picture.  It was so fun!  We cracked the cupcakes and peeled them just like you would an actual egg! 

After brunch, Adam opened presents!  He got lots of fun stuff, including a beer making kit (from me) an awesome power washer from my parents, and a new holster from my brother!  He did good :)  Love my family!!

Then, in the afternoon, Adam decided he wanted to go to the zoo!  Blake had never been, and we thought it would be a fun way to spend the day as a family.  We were right!!

Blake didn't really care about all the animals, but he loved the ride!  He's such an easy-going, happy little man.

About halfway through the zoo, we stopped at the pavilion area to let Blake out of his stroller to stretch and wiggle.  The above photo collage demonstrates what happens when Blake gets hold of something...in this case, it was the zoo map.  Oops!

We had such a wonderful day celebrating the most wonderful husband and daddy there is!  We love you babe!  Happy 27th!!

Thoughtful Tuesdays

Blake will be two months old next week, and as I sit here writing this, he is sleeping in his crib. I’m listening to his sweet little sleep sounds on the monitor and thinking about how right this feels.  How normal.  How perfect.  Being Blake’s mom is the greatest honor I’ve ever had in my life, and I am in love with this little boy in a way I didn’t know was possible.  I still can’t believe that I’m someone’s mommy.  It’s an unfathomable gift. 

But I’m going to be really honest; I haven’t spent all of the past seven weeks feeling that way. 

I’ve been putting off writing this post because it’s uncomfortable, and yet, I knew from the beginning it was one I needed to write.  It’s part of my story, and because I believe that God is the author of this journey, I am choosing to step forward in faith and trust in the transparency that I believe God has called me to.  And so here we go.

When we brought Blake home from the hospital, and probably for the first two weeks of his life, a lot of the time I found myself thinking: what have we gotten ourselves into. 

I cried all the time.  For no reason. 

I was terrified to be left alone with Blake, for any amount of time.

I was incredibly clingy.  To my husband.  To my mom. 

I felt guilty for feeling the way I did.  I had prayed so hard for this baby, and God had gifted us a beautiful baby boy, and yet…I didn’t feel happy.  I didn’t feel fulfilled.  I didn’t feel like I loved him as much as I should.   There were times I wished I could just walk away.  Put things back to the way they were before Blake came into our lives.

Is it as shocking for you to read that as it was for me to feel it? 

I didn’t know what to do.  I had certainly not expected to feel that way, and I certainly didn’t want to feel that way.  I had felt like I knew Blake so intimately while he was in the womb, and yet, here was this baby in my arms that felt like a total stranger.  I didn’t feel bonded to him.  I didn’t know him. 

I was so sure that God was angry with me, that He must be looking down on me and seeing an ungrateful woman who had just been given the greatest desire of her heart and yet didn’t have the grace to rejoice in it.  I felt like I was letting down my God.  I felt like hiding, and I just didn’t feel like me.  I spent many nights crying, feeling absolutely alone and scared. 

Looking back now, it’s hard to even relate to those feelings I was having.  I had so much support, and yet I just couldn’t see it.  My husband was incredible.  He was supportive in ways that I never would have expected, and reaffirmed for me time and time again that his love was intentional and unequivocal.  He loved me for me.  He understood.  He never judged.  He listened and held me.  He loved me and just wanted me to be okay.

My parents were also beyond amazing.  For the first three weeks of Blake’s life, we went to their house every night for dinner.  They would spend time with Blake, letting us take a nap, or even go on a few mini dates to give us some time to ourselves.  They never judged.  They listened.  My mom assured me I was normal.  She held me and told me what a great mom I was, that she could see it even if I couldn’t, and that someday soon these feelings would go away and I would be able to enjoy this new life we had been given as a family of three.

I clung to those words, but they just weren’t enough.  I still felt empty, and scared, and alone.  It wasn’t until a few days later, while I was sitting on my bed crying while Blake screamed in Adam’s arms in the living room, that something my mom said to me finally hit home.

She told me to let Him lead. 

She reminded me of the relationship I already had with my Savior. 

And for some reason, just that simple reminder changed everything.

I got down on my knees and put my face on the floor.  With tears streaming down my cheeks, I begged God to lead me.  To mold me into the woman He would have me be in order to raise this little boy He had given us.  I prayed for His peace, for His mercy, and for Him to fill me with the joy that comes from being somebody’s mom.  I so desperately wanted to feel that joy. 

I stayed that way for quite some time, being still and leaning in to hear His voice.  And it was in those moments of stillness that I felt His perfect peace.  I felt the intimacy of the relationship that I have with my Savior.  I felt His love pour over me, and I felt the reassurance that He loved me.  That I was His child, His precious little girl, and His love for me was absolute and unwavering.  I didn’t have to feel alone.  I didn’t have to feel scared.  He had given me the gift of Blake, and He would equip me with everything I needed to be the mother He had made me to be.  I knew in that moment that God had intended Blake for me, and maybe even more powerfully, that He had intended me for Blake, since the beginning of time.  Our lives were entwined in God’s master plan, and I could never be the woman God intended me to be without Blake..  Suddenly, I felt like I knew him a little bit more.

For me, that night was a turning point.  There were still moments and days that I would struggle, but the struggles were different because my attitude had changed.   I wasn’t trying to just survive, instead, I was leaning in, I was letting God lead and I was finding absolute joy in the new role He had given me as Blake’s mommy.    

Today, I look back and know that a lot of what I was feeling was Post-Partum Blues (not to be confused with Post-Partum Depression), which is caused by a hormone dump that occurs after delivery.   I had an especially tough delivery (which I’ll share should I ever get the birth story written) and had a lot of recovering of my own to do in those first few weeks. I was struggling to cope with all the changes all on my own. I wanted to control everything around me. 

I know, after the past two years, I really should know better.  Clearly, I’m still learning to surrender.

So why am I sharing?

Because I wanted to document the grace.  I’m so imperfect, my heart so human, and my walk so tenuously tied to the things of this earth.  How easily I forget.  How easily I stumble.  It reminds me of a DC Talk Song: will the love continue, when my walk becomes a crawl?

I think that’s a question we all ask ourselves.  It’s easy to beat ourselves up for stumbling.  It’s easy to feel like we’re unworthy of the grace. 

I felt that way during the first few weeks of Blake’s life.

But Christ died for the sinners. 

He died for the unworthy. 

His love transcends and reaches us where we are. He accepts us as His own and His grace covers our insecurities and our imperfections perfectly.  Isn’t that powerful?  As believers, our strength doesn’t come from us.  It comes from a reliance on the grace of our Savior King. 

And so I write this post knowing full well that my walk is imperfect, that my faith is imperfect….and that I’m forgiven, loved, and accepted anyway.

Today I look at my little boy and I can’t even fathom those feelings I had early on.  I can’t even imagine not knowing this little one, and not having him in my life.  That's grace. 

I hear You whispering my name, You say "My love for You will never change"

Blake Louis

Blake Louis arrived at 8:40PM on Thursday, August 18th.  After 13 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing, he came out screaming, weighing 10 pounds 7 ounces and measuring 22 inches long.  He is perfect. 

Blake at one day old

 

 

 

Blake at 6 days old.  Tomorrow he will be ONE WEEK old.  Oh my.

 And now...I leave you with some ridiculous cuteness:

That is one adorable little guy.

Sorry to take so long for the update :)  Life has been BUSY with a newborn.  We're loving every minute, even the hard ones.  We are feeling so blessed!!  

Back (hopefully) soon with more updates and pictures of our baby boy!

August

Well, it's August.  And you know what that means.....


.....BLAKE IS ALMOST HERE!!!!

I can barely contain my excitement.   I can't wait to kiss this those soft little cheeks and look into the precious little baby eyes that are half of me and half of the man I love.   I can't wait to tell him how much I love him, or witness those first few moments when the doctor hands our little man to his daddy and says here's your son.  I can't wait to see the way Adam will look at him, and I can't wait for Adam to bring him over to me and for us to experience those first few moments as a family of three.  I just can't wait.

Adam woke me up this morning with a kiss, a smile, and a "Happy August, baby....did you know that we're having our baby this month?"  

I love that man.

We have our next doctor's appointment tomorrow, and we'll hear the game plan.  A lot depends on whether Blake Louis has decided to flip, stay, and engage.  If not, we need to talk about our options.  As much as I want him to just flip already, I also feel very at peace about the whole thing.  God has protected this little boy from the moment of his conception, before that really, and I have confidence in placing this situation in His able hands.  We'll get him out safely, one way or the other, and that's all that matters.

While we wait for Blake's birthday to arrive, we'll be keeping ourselves plenty busy.  August is jam-packed.  Here's our rundown:

1.  Blake hits full term this Wednesday, the 3rd, and Adam and I are celebrating with a date night.  We're pretty well aware that our just the two of us nights will be quickly coming to a close, and while we're thrilled for the implications of that, we're also committed to savoring these last few weeks where we have the freedom to do as we please and enjoy each other.

2. This weekend (the 6th) Adam and I are throwing a shower for his brother and fiance, who are getting married on the 19th.  It should be lots of fun!  I love throwing parties, and this one should be beautiful.  I'm going with a bright, summery color palette and doing a dessert bar.   I think the shower will be pretty well-attended, so I'm just planning a couple games and keeping the whole thing low key.  I've been inspired by Pinterest...surprise, surprise. 

3. We have about a billion birthdays to celebrate in the month of August.  Several of our good friends have birthdays at the beginning of August, and then we have my grandpa turning 92 on the 16th and my brother turning 28 on the 19th.  This means lots of cake, which equals one happy pregnant lady.

4.  As I mentioned before, Adam's younger brother is getting married on the 19th.  Adam is the best man.  That's literally days away from Blake's due date, and if he's not already here, we'll be just about as close as we can get.  We've been giving Blake some pep talks to make sure he knows the 19th isn't a good choice for a birthday (it's already his Uncle Tony's bday, and his other Uncle will be busy getting married...)

In addition to all that, we've still got our Baby To-Do list that keeps getting things added to it.  I think I'll post it sometime this week to help keep us accountable, ha! :)

Tomorrow, I'll be checking a big item off the list when I make and freeze 13 dinners for after Blake gets here.  Freezer meals are my new obsession.   I'm so curious to see how they'll work, and if they'll be convenient for a busy family.  Stay tuned!

This, that, and everything else

I should apologize for being such a bad blogger. 

There’s really no excuse, especially since it’s summer and I’m just sitting at home.  Well, let me back up.  I haven't exactly been sitting at home; I’ve been busy…but more on that later.   

Anyway, the real reason for the lack of posts is because it’s gotten a bit awkward to type on my laptop.  I usually sit on the couch with my laptop on my legs and type away, but as my belly gets bigger it becomes more of a balancing act to get both hands on the keyboard while still keeping the laptop secured on my legs. 

Tricky. 

Anyway, here's my attempt at a quick catch up:

My biggest piece of news is a huge answer to prayer: I got a job!  Tuesday morning I applied  for a position with the educational foundation associated with the district where I preciously taught, Tuesday afternoon I got a call for an interview, Thursday I had a phone interview, and then today I met the woman hiring and she offered me the position on the spot!  God is so good.  

I will be working as an after-school instructor in the district for the foundation’s at-risk youth program.  It’s four days a week, 3 hours a day with an optional fourth hour (not sure if we’ll go for that or not) working in the schools with groups of 6-12 students.  As a teacher, I was a salaried employee, but this position pays close to what my per diem rate would have been in my salaried position.  It’s an absolute answer to prayer.  We knew that I wasn't looking for a 20-hour-a-week part time job, simply because we are embracing the opportunity God has gifted us with for me to be at home with our baby.  This, however, works out to just about 12 hours a week and is in the late afternoon when Blake can be taken care of by his daddy, my mom, or my dad (in fact, his grandparents are in negotiations over who gets to adjust their work schedule in order to be the lucky caregiver for their grandbaby).   And for me, I only have to be away from my baby for 3 hours.  AND…the position doesn’t start until October.  Perfect. 

We are just so in awe of how God has, once again, provided.  We’ll still be pretty tight monetarily, but this extra income gives us just enough to make us feel more comfortable, and it uses my skill set and keeps my resume current.  We are so thankful. 

Now, onto the fun stuff!

First of all, I have some shower photos to share. 

The first was a few weeks ago, thrown by my mom for some of my girlfriends.  She went all out.  It was absolutely amazing.  Check out this food spread:

Are those not the cutest things?!  She made these from scratch.  My mom is amazing!  The shower had a jungle theme, and all of the food had an appropriately-themed name.  Can anyone tell my mom's a teacher???  So creative :)

Next was my fourth and last shower, which was two weekends ago.  Blake was spoiled once again! 

"Pee Pee Tee Pees" from my Aunt...hilarious

My Grandma embroidered the edges of these receiving blankets!  So precious!!

The BEAUTIFUL, handmade quilt my mom sewed for Blake.  What a precious gift!!!

My Grandma and I!

Adam and I feel so fortunate to have the amazing friends and family that we do.  Prepping for a baby is expensive, and overwhelming, and it is only by the grace of God that we have found ourselves surrounded by such generous people who are willing and wanting to support us and Blake through this season.  We have felt SO loved, and just hope that these precious people know how much we love them, too!! 

Lastly, I wanted to share some more maternity photos.  As I blogged before, we had some professional photos taken by KC Photography, and we got our prints back last week!  We LOVE them!  I love how they capture this special time in our lives.  This set of maternity pictures was taken around 30 weeks:

We were ALSO blessed to have some additional maternity photos taken by a dear friend of my mom’s, who is an extremely talented photographer and offered to take the photos for free.  Have I mentioned how abundantly blessed we are?!  Shelly was so easy to work with, and the pictures turned out absolutely breathtaking.  We are so grateful for these pictures to look back on to remember our miracle baby and pregnancy.  This set of pictures was taken around 34 weeks. 

Today, I'm 36.5 weeks along and anxiously awaiting our 37 week (FULL TERM) appointment on Tuesday!  Blake is literally days away from being able to come anytime he pleases.  Bags will be packed by Tuesday and carseats will be installed!  It's officially time for baby watch!!

Just another night with the Breitensteins...

A couple of nights ago, I told Adam that we were going to have a photo shoot.  I had an idea for some wall art that involved taking some film strip-esque photos.  So, I grabbed our Canon Rebel, set up the tripod, and put it on continuous shooting in the hallway.

At first, Adam moaned and groaned about it.  Clearly, he wasn't feeling the photo session. 

But then, the camera starting flashing.

And this is what I got:

Then things started getting a little goofy:

And then all heck broke loose.  Check out these facial expressions: 

....and then he grabbed the dogs.  Poor Emma and Toby were desperately trying to escape. 

My husband is such a nut.  And these weren't even the outtakes.  I am so blessed to be married to a man who can be silly with me.  Can't wait until he gets to show this silly side to his baby boy!!!

8 Months

Today I hit 32 weeks, or eight months, with our little guy.  That means we’re 8 weeks away from his due date, and just five weeks away from when he’ll be considered full term.  Holy cow.

Here we are at about 31 weeks:

So what’s new in the pregnancy?

• We had maternity photos taken a few weeks ago, and we love LOVE what we’ve seen so far.  We can’t wait to see the rest!

 

• Blake’s still a big mover.  At our last checkup, he was facing mostly downward, but not yet engaged.  I’m pretty sure this is because he is constantly flipping and turning in my belly!  When I feel him hiccup (usually in the morning) I can tell that his little head is down in the direction it needs to be….so we’ll see what our doctor says next week when we go back.

• I’m pretty sure I doubled in size between months 7 and 8.  Every time I go anywhere, I have people ask if I’m about to pop.  When I respond with no, I have two more months I get a variety of shocked responses.  My favorite was the lady who exclaimed, oh Lord have mercy! and then proceeded to ask me if I was carrying twins, or if not twins, just a moose.  Nope, there’s just one in there.  But thanks for that.

• I’ve been working out 6 days a week for 40 minutes.  I can’t do the treadmill anymore because it’s uncomfortable to walk that long, but something about the motion of the elliptical is just perfect and I could do it forever.  I’m trying to log between 12-15 miles per week, which has been pretty doable.   

• We’re going to the doctor every two weeks at this point, and I think once I hit 35 weeks we’ll switch to every week.  Crazy that we’re already at that point.  Blake is still measuring about a week ahead.

•  So far, we’ve had three beautiful showers for our baby.  His room is stocked with a lot of what he’ll need, but it’s amazing how much more there still is to get.  I guess babies really do need a lot of stuff, huh? We have one more shower in July, and then after that, we’ll hit the stores and pick up whatever we still need.  It’s such a huge blessing to have so many wonderful friends and family who have been so generous in gifting us what we’ll need for our little man.

• Adam is still reading to Blake a lot, and when he’s not reading to him he’s singing him songs or talking to him with his lips really close to my belly.  Adorable.  Watching your husband become a dad is an incredibly tender and romantic experience.  As a woman, I’ve often dreamt of the things my husband would do with our future babies, but seeing it actually come true, and realizing what an incredible dad my kids will have….it melts my heart.  It’s such a special time in our marriage.  I love Adam more today than I’ve ever loved him before…and I didn’t even know that was possible. 

• Nesting is hitting in full force.  Since being off work, I’ve washed every single piece of clothing we own, rearranged our walk-in master bedroom closet, had Adam rearrange our room so our bed faces the hallway (so I can see Blake’s room), been incredibly consistent about not having dishes pile up in the sink, and redone the guest bath.  Still on the agenda?  We’re painting the master bath, redoing a couple pieces of furniture in the living room, and I’m making a bed skirt for our bed.  Phew.  We’ll get there.

• I’m starting to waddle.  Blake sits so low that it’s hard not to.  I don’t do it all the time, but I know as soon as I start, because Adam will laugh at me. 

• I still have no idea how much weight I’ve gained, because I’m still not looking.  I have decided that I’ll weigh myself right as we leave for the hospital.  That way, I’ll know how much I gained in total, but won’t worry about it because I’ll be too busy giving birth!

• We celebrated Adam’s first Father’s Day with a trip to Astoria to visit The Columbia River Maritime Museum.  Adam’s choice, and he loved it!  Here’s a couple pictures:

My parent's bought Adam this for Father's Day!  We are going to have him wear it home from the hospital with Blake :)

And then...before I end this, I want to add in some pregnancy milestones so I don't forget :)

Pregnancy Milestones

• Gender Reveal: 18.5 weeks
• First Kick: I started feeling Blake kick at about 16 weeks
• First time daddy felt him kick: The night we revealed the gender to our families….so at about 19 weeks 
• First Hiccup: 22 weeks

HE'S ALMOST HERE!   

We're so excited :):)

 

A letter to my daddy (Love, Blake)

Dear Daddy,

Mommy tells me that there was a pretty special day recently; a day that’s all about celebrating dads.  Well, I thought that was pretty neat, especially since I have the best daddy of all, and so I asked mom to help me write you this little note (and don’t worry, I’m sure she translated everything correctly, because I was keeping close tabs on her via a few swift kicks to the abdomen…..)

It didn’t take me long to realize that God gave me a pretty special gift in a daddy like you.  I just love your silly giggle (don’t tell, but I inherited that from you…just wait until you hear it, it's pretty cute!) and get so excited when you get down low, really close to mommy’s belly, and talk to me.  Your laugh makes me so happy, and I get so excited at the sound of your voice that I can’t help but wiggle all over!  I’m counting down the days until I can look up at you and share my very best smile…the one I’m reserving just for you, just for my daddy.

I also love what good care you take of my mommy.  She told me how you have to put her shoes on now, and how you wake up with her in the middle of the night to help her find a comfortable place to sleep.  I’m trying to find a comfortable spot too, which is why I get so squirmy in there!  Mommy says you have a heart of gold, and that you are the kindest and gentlest man she has ever met.  She says you’re a man of integrity.  I think that means you’re someone I can look up to.  And that’s a good thing, because you’re already my hero, daddy, just like you’ve always been mommy’s.

I know it took a long time for you and mommy to have me, but I’m glad God had you wait, because if He hadn’t I would never have gotten to have you as my daddy.   God picked the perfect man to watch over me on this earth, and He gave me the greatest blessing in getting to be the only person on earth that will get to call you daddy.  That makes me feel pretty special; pretty loved. 

It won't be long now until I'm ready to have my very first birthday celebration.  I'm getting ready to make my grand entrance as we speak.  I just can't wait to meet you.  I've been waiting so long to see your face, and I know you've been waiting for me, too.  

I already love you so, so much daddy.

Until then, Happy First Father’s Day!  I'm sending you a giant, wet baby kiss that you'll have to wait about 9 weeks to get.  

Oh, and next year? Let’s go fishing.

Love forever and ever,

Your little buddy, Blake 

Daddy Adam

Here's a video of Adam reading to Blake.  This is just a snapshot of an everyday thing at our house....yes, we have a lot of fun :) This man is an absolute goof and I love it.  He's already such an amazing daddy. 



(sorry it's sideways--I didn't realize I wouldn't be able to rotate the video!)

Fastforward

Well, I guess it's official.  I've been one bad blogger.  Has a whole month really gone by??

Let me give a brief recap of life since I last wrote:

• In early February, we celebrated a very special Valentine's Day.  We had been planning to spend the weekend prior at the coast, but at the last minute our plans changed and we ended up sticking around town.  We had a romantic dinner a local Italian restaurant and just keep it really low key, enjoying this season of just the two of us time.  It was pretty special, since that season is rapidly coming to a close. 

• About two weeks ago, we had our fifteen week checkup with our doctor, who reported that we have a healthy, happy, mobile baby who was doing back flips and somersaults as she tried to get the heart rate reading on the doppler. 

• Just about a week and a half ago, that mobile baby made its presence known to mom and dad, with what I can best describe as little bubbles popping inside my tummy.  It's an amazing feeling to know that those little bubbles mean a human baby is dancing and kicking inside my belly.  As time goes on, I'm also finding that I can interact more and more with this little human inside of me; today, I played it music and enjoyed the little bubble-responses I was getting.   I can also get a reaction when I gently rub my hands over my growing belly.  Adam especially loves this--even though he can't feel the baby kick yet, he loves to rub my belly and watch my face to see if his voice and/or touch elicited any sort of reaction.  I love this too because it does.   

• After our last OB appointment, we scheduled our 20 week ultrasound for March 30th.  Yes, this is the day that we will find out if we're having a baby girl or a baby boy...and we're less than two weeks away!!  It's also the day that we'll be learning a whole lot about this baby's development so far--the doctors will be taking all sorts of measurements and looking for all the progress benchmarks that indicate a healthy baby and a healthy pregnancy.  Please join us in praying God's continued protection over our precious little one.  We are already so very much in love with this life God has blessed us with. 

• The last month has also brought some anxiety over jobs for next year.  I'm a teacher in a school district that is basically bankrupt.  Right now, the district is projecting layoffs of anywhere from 250-400 teachers for next year, and depending on where the line is drawn, I may or may not have a job in the upcoming year.  In the beginning we were very fearful, especially with the added responsibility of a baby, but quickly came to the conclusion that, again, this road is ours to walk in faith.  God's timing in this journey has been impeccable--He has orchestrated all the details of our lives to perfectly align to His perfect plan, and we are confidant that He will do it again. We expect to know more about the job situation in April, and are resting in the absolute assurance we have in the Father and praising God for His continued faithfulness in our lives.  

• Toby and Emma "graduated" from obedience classes in mid-March, and I put that in quotations because we didn't actually attend the graduation ceremony.  I had a school event that I was running that night, and Adam chose not to take Emma and Toby as a single dad.  Had we attended graduation, I feel confidant that (my trainee) Toby would have passed with flying colors!  Emma (Adam's trainee)....well, not so much.  Poor girl is just too much of a social butterfly!  During off leash healing practice, she was much more interested in greeting the other dogs and owners than sticking anywhere near Adam's side.   It was quite the comedic relief for the rest of us, if I do say so myself.  Our trainer told my parents at graduation (their dog was in the class, too) that she'd "love to get her hands on Emma for some private lessons".  Oh boy.  I bet she would.

My last piece of big news (well, at least for me) is that spring break has officially arrived!!  I feel like singing the Hallelujah Chorus and doing a little booty shake to celebrate that it's finally here.  My big plans for the break include some serious relaxation, the purchase of a baby crib, and helping Adam paint the nursery (okay, who am I kidding...no way he'll actually let me paint). In fact, today we went shopping for cribs and found one we really like!  We're letting it marinate before we go back and pull the trigger, so to speak. 

To polish this post off, here's a sneak peak of some of the things we'll be working on in the baby room over the break:

Our wall color: "Rainwashed" by Sherwin Williams.  I am in love with it.

The nursery will change very subtly depending on what we find out on the 30th.  This is my basic color palette. 

And this is the crib we like.   

Love, actually.

Tears and tortillas

Life has been a little different around here since we found out a month ago that we were expecting a baby. 

And no, I’m not talking about morning sickness, or nausea, or dizzy spells, or any of that not-so-fun-pregnancy-stuff-that-I-have-thankfully-never-experienced.

Instead, I’m referring to hormonal pregnant ladies who love their food.  And I’m referring to my husband.

Take this example:

Last week, we got home from work and Adam offered to whip up some taco meat for dinner.   I love it when my husband offers to cook (which, honestly, happens often because he loves to do it) and of course I took him up on it.  While I waited for dinner to be ready, I kicked off my shoes, put on my favorite pair of sweats, and moseyed on over to the couch where I happily plopped myself down and wasted some time perusing my favorite social media network (….facebook, of course). 

Before I knew it, dinner was ready.  And let’s be honest—it’s a darn good thing, because I was starving. 

So I prance over to the kitchen island, salivate a bit at all the taco goodness spread out before me, and grab my tortilla.  I innocently plop it in the microwave for a 10 second warm-up.  No sooner have I closed the door then I hear a thundering “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” and I am roughly pushed aside by my frantic husband as he yanks open the microwave door and removes the offending tortilla.  Holding it at arms length, he looks at me.  I mean, he looks at me. 

I felt like a teenager who had just been caught sneaking home ten minutes after curfew (which, of course, never happened).  My shoulders drooped. 

“What do you think you’re doing??  Do you have any idea how much bacteria could be living inside our microwave?  You didn’t even have it on top of a plate!”

I look at him, and I do the only thing I can think to do: I cry. 

Big alligator tears. 

“Ijustwantedawarmtortillaaaaa” I blubber. 

He sighs.

If I had waited a moment longer, I would have gotten an apology.  And probably a hug, and a new tortilla.  But did I wait?  Nope.  Remember, I’m pregnant…and they don’t warm you about those darn hormones for nothing.   

I didn’t wait for him to say another word.  I snatched that tortilla out of his hand, made a big production of marching to our trash can, and with a flourish of the wrist, tossed that bacteria-ridden tortilla into the bin.  I gave him the there, are you happy?! eyes, and with one final glare, stomped all the way to our room where I slammed the door with finality, paused to make sure he’d heard, and then threw myself to the ground with my back against the door so Adam couldn’t get in.  And then I cried. Loudly.

It only took a few moments before I heard the footsteps.  And then a cautious attempt to open the door.  And then, a sigh.  “Baby?  I’m sorry.  Will you let me in?  I just wanted to make sure that you and the baby are safe...from bacteria, or anything else”

I considered that for a moment.  Again, I could have opened the door at that moment and gotten my hug and warm tortilla, but…I’m pregnant.  And I didn’t.

“You make me feel like a bad mom!”  I hurled at him through the door, stomping my slippered foot for effect.

Silence.

“You’re not a bad mom.  You’re going to be the best mom.  I’m sorry I made a big deal out of the tortilla….

And then he said it.

“….I love you baby mama”

I could feel a grin spreading across my face.  I love it when he calls me that! The tears stopped.  I stood up and pressed my ear against the door.  I just had one thing left to settle.

“But will you warm up my tortilla?”  


-----------

Ladies, I have the best husband in the world.  

Fears

I admit it, I'm afraid.

For the past week, I've really been struggling with my fears for these babies.  I find myself obsessing over questions like:  Are they okay?  Are they growing?  Why don't I have more symptoms?  Should I be more tired/bloated/nauseous? Why hasn't morning sickness started?  Why aren't my boobs sore? Shouldn't I need to pee more often? (and the big one) Are we going to miscarry??

If you could see my internet browsing history, you'd notice I've turned to Google on quite a few instances to calm my fears. 

And it just needs to stop.

Yesterday, all of this come to a head as I sat on my couch, drenching my husband's shoulder in hot tears, and cried out all of my fears for our babies.  We sat that way for a long time, Adam just listening.  And when my cries had finally dulled to a whimper, he looked at me, smiled, kissed my nose and said: Oh baby.  Hasn't God already taken us this far?  Hasn't he been faithful every step of the way? He's not going to abandon us now. 

I love that man. 

We sat and talked for a long time after that, both realizing we had the same fears, but also realizing that this isn't a journey we can walk alone.  And it was then that I realized some very important things:

1. I'll never stop worrying about these babies.  I'll never stop wanting what's best for them.  I'll never stop longing to protect and insulate them from all the pain and trial this world has to offer.  And I think that's okay.  But I also realized that all that worrying isn't going to do me a darn bit of good.  Because, let's face it--as much as I love them and want to insulate them....I can't.  There's nothing I can do.  I have to give them over, wholly and completely, to the One who knew them before He ever placed them in my womb.  I have to trust that He has already numbered all of their days, and I have to know, deep in my soul, that as much as I love them....it doesn't and never will compare to His love for them. 

Phew.  That's hard...but God's leading me through this one, and I'm determined to follow.

2. I need to stop assuming that my pregnancy will conform to what other people may experience.  I need to stop wishing for symptoms (lately, praying for morning sickness....I think that might be a sickness in itself) and neglecting to give thanks for God's faithfulness, and the easy ride I've had so far.   I need to remember that God has already given me so much to be grateful for--first and foremost, a pregnancy that we prayed for, dreamed of, and waited over a year to be blessed with--but also for two separate beta tests that revealed hCG levels that were not just present, but that were in the high range for normal.  And let's not forget that our due date is five years to the day after Adam proposed.  These things are not coincidences.  God knows what a worrier I can be, and I know He has given me all these signs to say look, little one, I'm here and I don't want you to be afraid.  Just trust me!  What a blessing, that in my weakness, He is strong....



So now, we wait.  And we trust.  Our first ultrasound is Monday morning, and at that appointment we'll be able to see the sac, the little tiny baby, and hear the heartbeat.  I'm still praying for two babies.  That's how many we put in, and that's how many we want out. 

Between now and then, Adam and I come to you again asking for your prayers.  First and foremost, for our babies.  We ask you to join us in praying God's protection over them as they develop and grow. 

But we also ask you to pray for us, as parents.  That we may learn, each day, to give up more of who we are in favor of who we are becoming in Christ.  We ask you to pray for peace, that we may feel it and know it deep in our soul, and for trust as we commit these precious, tiny lives to the Father. 

We still have a lot to learn, but the three of us (Adam, me, and our Savior) are going to keep walking this road together......one step at a time. 

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth."

Psalms 12:1-2

Dancing in the Minefields

I heard this song yesterday and fell in love with it.  I'm dedicating it to my precious husband, who has danced with me in a lot of minefields and sailed with me in a lot of storms over the past year. 

Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man, so there’s nothing left to fear.  So I’ll walk with you in the shadow lands till the shadows disappear.  Cause He promised not to leave us, and His promises are true. So in the face of all this chaos, baby I can dance with you 

The life I have with Adam is precious to me in ways I can't describe.  God has blessed me with the gift of time--precious time with the man He chose for me.   This year may not have gone according to our plan, but it sure did go according to God's plan.  And out of the deal, I got another year of "just the two of us" time with the love of my life.  Precious time.  Thank you Lord. 

....and it was harder than we dreamed but I believe that's what the promise is for. 

This one's dedicated to the one I love...

It's true

God gave me you

Things I Love

I've decided to blog this afternoon about some of the things I love.  Why?  Because there are a lot of them.  And because I want them to be a mere click away in my blog archives on days when I forget to be grateful for them. Valid reasons?  More than you know.  

I'm going to start with the most important.  My sweet, sweet husband.

This is my sweet, sweet husband doing the booty shake while burrowing his little feet deep into the sand at Lincoln City.  The squawk-ey (how on earth do you spell that) laughter in the background is me...and yes, I do realize I sound like a parrot.  My husband does a great impression of this laugh. 

This man is a gem.  Thank you Lord for sending me a man as goofy as I am.  You may think that's an exaggeration (especially if you know me and my goofy personality well) but I assure you it is true.  I offer up the following evidence:

See what I mean?  Total goof.  He will be such an amazing daddy.  Do you know we walk down the lego aisle everytime we go to Walmart?  And did you know that Adam picks out the sets (he is especially fond of Star Wars) he'll buy for our future sons?  I can't wait to watch him building legos on the carpet with our babies.  I just hope he shares. 

Another thing I love would be my amazing family and friends.  Such tremendous blessings, each and every one.   I can't even count the ways they have touched our lives.  We feel so blessed.

And because we are so blessed, I am going to bless you all with the goofiest pictures I can find of these wonderful people.  To those who are about to be featured: You're welcome in advance.  We love you!!!

Ah, perfect.  The Breitenstein brothers and the women who love them.  

(This is my wonderful brother-in-law and (future) sister-in-law)

This is the amazing, wonderful family that God blessed me with (admittedly not goofy, but I just love this picture)

This is much better.  Who knows what they're doing (?), but I love 'em!

My precious mama.  Everything I want to be as a mother is manifested in this woman.

And now, join me for a quick trip down memory lane......

Who is that darling little girl?  Gosh she's cute :)
(Love this picture of me and my daddy/hero)

Look at me sharing.  It's a good thing they gave me a purple umbrella, otherwise you might think I was a little boy. 

Look at us all grown up.  This is definitely a good look for us.
(Love my big brother/best friend!!)

And what is this?  Just a picture of some teachers I know.....

(These are my amazing friends who agreed to let me videotape them rapping and then show it to the whole school.  I'd say we are officially forever friends.)

Other things I love?  Fall days, 560 K-5 students who I'm blessed to know and work with five days a week, chai tea lattes on my way to work, 3 furry babies who give Adam and I a run for our money (can you say spoiled?), roses, long walks with my husband, dreaming of the future, newborn hands and feet, giggles, rain, the sand in between my toes, an amazing view of Creation, and.....

.....there's so much more.  I can't even begin to list them all, but I did save the very best for last.

The biggest love of my life is the most important: my Jesus.  While it's true that I don't have a picture I can post of Jesus making a monkey face, I DO have a clear picture of who He is written on my heart....and that's even better :)  When I get to heaven, I'll make sure and ask Him to give me His very best impression of a monkey.  Since He was the one who created them, I feel like my expectations should be quite high.  :)