Blake Louis: ONE YEAR!

 Blake Louis Breitenstein, you are officially one year old!!! 

The morning of your birthday, daddy and I woke up remembering this same day one year ago as we prepared to check in the hospital and meet our brand new baby boy.  What a difference a year makes. We could never have known then how much joy you would bring into our lives.  We could have never comprehended the love that exists between a parent and a child.  I hope you have spent every single moment of this year feeling that.  We simply adore you, little boy, and this year has been the very best of our lives.

Here's what you've been up to:

·      You are 24.5 pounds and 31 inches long—big boy!  You’re still in the upper 90% for height and the lower 90% for weight. 

·      You are not such a great eater.  You still love bananas, but you refuse to try anything new and often all I can get you to eat in a day are bananas, yogurt, crackers, and maybe some toast.  Other foods you’ll sometimes eat include apples, pears (you love pears from Grandma and Grandpa’s backyard) and grilled cheese!  We try to get you to eat all kinds of other foods—I always make you a mini plate of whatever we’re eating—but so far, no luck.  You used to love avocados, but recently have been refusing them.  That was the ONLY vegetable I could get you to eat!!!  I’m thinking of buying some pureed baby food veggies to see if you’ll take those…you are such a texture kid, just like your mama!

·      You are saying ‘dada/daddy’ now, ‘look’ and ‘this’.  There are some other words we think you might be saying, but it’s hard to be sure.  You’ve said ‘dog’, ‘out’, and ‘up’ a few times…but not consistently.  I’m still waiting for you to say mama!!

·      You are WALKING!  This actually started at 13 months.  You took your first steps in Grandma and Grandpa’s backyard, going from Grandma to me.  After that, you would take about five steps on your own but usually wanted someone to hold your hand.  At first it was both hands, and then you went to one hand…and just tonight you walked down the street on our family walk all by yourself!  So proud of you baby boy :)

·      You are so funny.  You love to talk to us!  You squeal and scream and laugh at yourself and daddy and me.  You’re always busy saying something, and I just love having conversations with you.  I can’t wait for you to start saying even more words!

·      You’ve started having some separation anxiety in the nursery at church, and I’ve also noticed you’ve been a pretty big mama’s boy lately.  You don’t like it when I can’t hold you or play with you, and you do not like it when I have to make dinner and you can’t be right there with me.  I know it won’t last forever, and I’m not gonna lie….I sure do love how much you love me <3 span="span" style="mso-spacerun: yes;">  I love you right back, baby boy.

·      You still take two naps a day—one in the morning for about an hour, and one in the afternoon for about 1.5 hours.  You usually do so well with your naps!

·      I went back to work part-time last month teaching kindergarten, and you have been spending your mornings with Grandma!  You love your Grandma, and hate it when I go to pick you up.  You two have so much fun together, and I love seeing how much you love being with your grandparents.

·      Words you understand include: block, ball, outside, up, truck, daddy, mommy, grandma, grandpa…and more I’m sure I’m forgetting.  I think you are so smart when I tell you to go get your truck and you head right over and bring one back to me!

·      You have started to get your groove on—my little dancer boy!  You stand at your little activity table and ‘play’ the piano while you wiggle those hips and bob up and down!  Already taking after your daddy ;)

·      You hate diaper changes.  Hate them.  You scream and I’m pretty sure you think the world is ending.  Hopefully that’s a phase….or we can just potty train early! ;)

·      Since the last time I wrote, we found out that you’re going to be a big brother!  Your little brother or sister will be arriving in March, and we are so excited for you two to meet!  

·      You, my sweet baby boy, have learned the art of tantrum throwing.  You throw yourself on the floor and put your head on the ground while crying your little heart out.  There is just no consoling you.  I guess this is a preview of what is to come at age 2 (...truth be told....I think it's pretty darn cute and funny when you get so mad!)

Little man, you are a charmer.  You've charmed daddy and I with your silly and

sweet personality, and everyone who comes into contact with you instantly falls in

love.  My prayer, today and everyday, is that God will use your sweet heart to do

great things for His kingdom.  You are our little warrior, and just so precious in 

every single way.  I know that in the year ahead we'll see you grow and change far

beyond what we can even comprehend now, and I look forward to each of those

moments with such sweet anticipation.  It is my great honor to be your mama.  I've

never been given a greater blessing.  

Happy FIRST birthday, little love!  

Always and forever,

Your Mama

Pregnancy Stats: Week 22

Since this is my journal, this post is more for posterity than for anything else.  I haven’t done a great job of cataloging all the “firsts” in this pregnancy, and everyone says I should, so I’ve decided to do intermintent pregnancy status updates so I can remember all these precious little details of my nine months alone with Blake Louis.

Bear with me.

Weeks: Almost 23 weeks

Weight Gain: I’m going to be brave and just put it out there.  I’m up 16 pounds, with exercise five days a week and healthy eating.  I’ve been holding steady at a 16 pound weight gain for two weeks, so hopefully I’m leveling out for a bit.  For a while there, I could just look at a carton of ice cream and gain five pounds.  Really not fair, considering I didn’t even get to eat it.  

Cravings:  I’ve been loving cereal, nonfat cottage cheese (I think I make Adam stop for a new carton at least once or twice a week) and grapes (red or green, as long as they’re plump!)  I’m also really enjoying fruit smoothies (although I’m not convinced that’s pregnancy-related…I always crave those this time of the year!) and milk.

Clothes:  I wear a size XS/S in maternity and have been wearing maternity pants since like week 10.  I popped out early, and the baby bump is definitely there.  I have a few maternity shirts, but mainly just wearing my normal tops. 

Movement: TONS!  I started feeling Blake move at about 16 weeks, and now at 22, it’s pretty much a constant thing.  There are still days where he moves more than others,  but I haven’t had a single day pass where I haven’t felt some serious karate kicks from this little guy.  I’m also feeling him just rolling around in there, rather than just when he kicks.  It’s the coolest feeling to put my hands on my belly and feel him squirm around.  You can also see him moving from the outside!  I've also noticed that Blake seems to be a thinker, like his daddy.  He'll be rolling around and doing somersaults inside my belly, but the moment I call Adam over or he hears one of us talk, he freezes.  It's like he's listening intently to the sound of our voices.  Once we're done talking, he starts moving around again.  I've taken to some nonverbal eyebrow wiggles and facial contortions to let Adam know when to come over and feel him. 

Doctors Appointments:  We have our next ultrasound on Monday the 25th.  In addition to seeing our little guy on the big screen, we’ll also be checking to make sure my placenta has moved away from the cervix opening.  Prayers, please!

Symptoms:  I still haven’t had any nausea or morning sickness, although my doctor tells me I’m at the point in my pregnancy where that returns for some women. I have been having trouble sleeping comfortably.  I toss and turn all night long—I’m constantly moving from one side to the other as my back/hips/boobs (sorry, it’s true) all start to ache.  I’ve also been awaken a few time by Mr. Blake himself, as his kicks get stronger.  I keep telling him that nighttime is for sleeping and I’d like him to work on getting that routine down before he makes his grand appearance in August.  Overall he seems pretty agreeable, so we’ll see how that goes. 

Basically, this pregnancy has been a breeze.  Such a God thing.  It’s hard to believe we’re only a few short weeks away from the THIRD trimester!  Pretty soon we’ll be in single digits as we count down the weeks until Blake makes his grand entrance.  We can’t wait!  I honestly can’t even describe how in love we are.  It’s incredible.  I can’t imagine what it will be like to actually hold him in my arms and kiss his sweet little face.  I’m not a happy crier by nature, but in this case…I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to stop the tears of joy from falling. 

A letter to my babies

To my precious, precious babies,

You don’t know this, but I’ve been writing letters to you for years. 

The first time was right after daddy and I were married, when we were living in our 900-square foot condo and would sit together on the couch, laughing and dreaming about the future we’d create together. 

I started writing letters to you way back then, because I wanted you to know that you were already part of those dreams.  We could never have imagined a world without you in it.  We loved you even then.  

It’s important that you know that, because it’s important that you know how much we’ve always, always wanted you.  We planned for you from the very beginning. 

As your mommy, I’ve been dreaming of you my whole life.  I’ve dreamed of counting your ten tiny little fingers and toes, I’ve longed to hear what your giggle will sound like, and my arms have ached with the emptiness of waiting to hold you.  I’ve wondered how your daddy’s big, beautiful blue eyes will look on a tiny baby, and I’ve smiled in sweet anticipation of you inheriting his silly sense of humor.  God has blessed you richly, little one, in the gift of such a wonderful, loving daddy.  I can’t wait for you to meet him.   

I smile as I anticipate experiencing all your firsts.  I can’t wait to comfort you when you cry, to see my own incredible joy reflected on your face every time our eyes meet, and to watch you grow into the person God made you to be.  

I just can’t imagine loving you more than I already do, and I haven’t even met you yet.  When that day finally arrives, oh the joy that will fill my heart. 

Our journey to you didn’t go as we had originally planned in those early days of marriage, but as we look back now, we wouldn’t change a thing.   The path we’ve traveled has been bumpy and filled with heartache, but it was also filled with joy.  As we look back, we can see that it was the potholes along the way that have made our journey to you so beautiful. 

God’s plan has been perfect. 

He has walked us through the heartache of your absence—of waiting for you, praying for you, and fighting for you.  There were moments of pain and tears that will only be overshadowed by the joy we feel when you’re finally in our arms.  That’s the sweetest anticipation I’ve ever know, little one. 

December 1, 2010 was your conception day.  I’ve been calling this your Hope Day—the day that God blessed us with the hope of you.  I want to celebrate it with you each year of your life, I want to tell you about our journey—your journey--and I want to encourage you with the love of so many who have prayed for you for so long before your birth. 

You are precious to us, and our hearts yearn for you.  We will love you all the days of your life.    

Even now, as we await your birthday, we pray daily for God’s protection over you—that He will bless your little lives and deliver you safely into our waiting arms.

We can't wait to meet you.

With all of our love,

your parents

A love song for my babies

Sidewalk Prophets "The Words I Would Say"

It's three in the morning,
And I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope You're going to do great things,
I already know
God's got His hand on you so
Don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way  
These are the words I would say.... 


Still waiting for the call.  A watched phone never rings, right??

In Your Arms

So here I am, working out in my garage, running along on my treadmill to the worship station on Pandora that I created a few weeks ago....and on comes this song.  And I had to stop and listen.



I'm claiming this song, these lyrics, as my personal love song for my Savior.  For this journey.

I'm letting my fears go, giving You control
For You are the one that holds me closer in my soul's darkest night
Everything I see is so temporary
So help me to run the race before me
With eternity in sight

Now I close every door
And put my face back on the floor
And I'm in Your arms, where I belong
There's no other place for me than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

Dancing in the Minefields

I heard this song yesterday and fell in love with it.  I'm dedicating it to my precious husband, who has danced with me in a lot of minefields and sailed with me in a lot of storms over the past year. 

Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man, so there’s nothing left to fear.  So I’ll walk with you in the shadow lands till the shadows disappear.  Cause He promised not to leave us, and His promises are true. So in the face of all this chaos, baby I can dance with you 

The life I have with Adam is precious to me in ways I can't describe.  God has blessed me with the gift of time--precious time with the man He chose for me.   This year may not have gone according to our plan, but it sure did go according to God's plan.  And out of the deal, I got another year of "just the two of us" time with the love of my life.  Precious time.  Thank you Lord. 

....and it was harder than we dreamed but I believe that's what the promise is for. 

Finish Line

This week I've been fixated on the image of runners in a race. 

For most of my life, I feel like my goal has been to win.  To get there first.  To be the best.  I feel like I've been zipping around the race track of life, side-stepping other runners and lapping those who have fallen behind.  Once in a while, I'll glance to the sidelines and throw a thumbs up to God, as if to say, "Hey, check me out Lord!  I so got this."

I think that needs to change.

The Bible tells us in Luke 9:24 (and again in Matthew, and again in John) that, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."  For me, it all points back to one simple truth that God has been inscribing on my heart:  it's not about me.  I'm not running this race for me.  The prize is not mine to win, because I've already received the greatest gift of all: eternal life with my Lord and Savior.  And I didn't do anything to earn it. 

So I think my view of the race track is shifting.  Instead of surging to the front to take the lead, I've decided to fall back.  To come alongside my teammates, to whisper words of encouragement when the going gets tough, and to cross the finish line together.  And I think that's the point.  If the finish line is heaven, I want as many people as possible from my life on earth to arrive with me.  My own little world is not about me.  

See You At The Pole 2010

Faith

Well hello again :)

I'm coming to you all today with a heavy heart.  I want to open up our lives once more and invite you along on our journey.

Earlier this month, I was given a "trigger" shot to force ovulation.  As it was in months past, we were told to wait two weeks and then, if no period, to test for pregnancy.

Well, that was exactly two weeks ago yesterday.

I don't think I slept more than two hours straight Tuesday night.  Before going to bed, we drove up to Silver Falls and found a quiet spot to reflect and pray together--thanking God for His provision over the past year, and asking His blessing on the month...begging on bended knee that this be THE month.

After a restless night, we found each other awake at 4:30--anxious and praying together, crying out to God--for these results to answer our prayers from the past year.  I finally peed on the stick at 5:15, and after three minutes of anticipation, we saw only one line.  Negative.

That was yesterday. I still haven't started my period, but the pregnancy test was negative.  To say it was heartbreaking would be an understatement.  I hurt. If you've ever wanted something so badly that it physically tears at you, consumes your every waking thought, then you understand.  My heart feels raw.  I feel exposed.  I feel like I got sucker-punched.  It hurts more to come this far--to reach home plate only to be told I missed a base and have to go back.  Start over.  Try again.

The obvious question is why.  Why not this month?  Why does it have to be so hard?  Why us?  

I'd be lying if I said I don't ask myself those questions, if I said I don't cry them out to God when I'm alone and scared.  I'd be lying if I said I don't wrestle with doubt, with uncertainty, and with my own faith in a Divine plan.

But here's the kicker.

It's okay.  When I'm having moments of doubt, when I'm afraid and scared, God meets me right there.  He listens as I pour out my heart.  He loves me despite my insecurities, my imperfect faith.  He is my friend who sticks closer than a brother.  He walks beside me.  He holds my hand, kisses away my tears, and pulls me close to His side.  He loves me.  I am His child.  And He lovingly whispers in my ear--reminding me of who I am, who He made me to be, and who I am in Him.

And in those moments I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  I feel soft whispers prodding me onward, because what good is faith if I can only muster it up when times are good?  What about the faith that David had when he faced Goliath?  Or Daniel in the lion's den? Or Noah, Abraham and Moses?  What they had was no run-of-the-mill faith.  It's the kind that moves mountains.  It's the kind of faith God is calling me to.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.

I limit my faith when I try to put God in a box--try to neatly fit the enormity of the Creator the Universe into a frame of reference that my humanity can understand.  The reality is God is incomprehensible.  His majesty is beyond our ability to understand.  His ways are mysterious.  Does that make him unapproachable?  Just the opposite.  It makes him approachable. By faith.  By trusting in the Creator to best manage the intricacies of my own meager existence.  

And so here we are.

We are going to wait through the weekend before we call the doctor and proceed with medication to force my cycle to reset itself.  We've decided to not take any more pregnancy tests until Sunday.  We're not giving up yet.

My God walks on water.  He can turn one line into two without batting an eyelash.  I believe that.  Do you believe it, too?  Will you pray with us?

A letter to my dad

First off, Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there!!  What a precious gift a daddy is...and what a huge, important job.  

In my life, I've been blessed with an amazing man to call my dad.  And today, I want to dedicate this entry to him.  

  

Dad, I know you read this.  I love you more than words can say.  You are a treasure

Dear Daddy,

My favorite picture of us is the first one ever taken—when I was just hours old and you were holding me under the heat lamp at the hospital.  That precious moment between daddy and daughter was forever captured in a photo, and it's one I'll treasure my whole life through.  In that moment, I’m looking up at you with big eyes full of wonderment, and you are looking down at me with the purest, most adoring look of love I have ever seen.  It melts my heart every time. 

That look of love is no stranger to me.  Throughout my life, you have always been there with that same steadfast, unconditional, adoring love.  You tell me all the time, and I know to the core of my being that I have a daddy who loves me.  Every part of me.  In every way.  For as long as I live.  There is no more precious gift that you could ever have given me. 

And today, on Father’s Day, I want you to know the same way I do that you are adored.  That you are loved more than words could ever express, and that I am endless grateful for the gift of YOU.  I'm thankful for a lot of things in my life, and you are at the top of the list.  You probably didn't hear it enough growing up, so I want to say it now.  Thank you for....

·     ...not being afraid to show me you care.  Thank you for giant bear hugs, zerbits, playful jabs and constant teasing.  Thank you for laughing with me, crying with me, and for loving me through all the ups and downs of life.

·     Thank you for protecting me.  I can’t really put into words how safe I feel when I’m with you.  There's a big, scary world out there (I find out just how true that is the older I get), but you take care of me.  I know that your arms are always there for me to run to, and there is a safety I can’t verbalize in knowing that I will always be your little girl. 

·     Thank you for supporting me.  Thank you for being proud of me.  I love that I have a daddy who loves me so much that he can’t help but share my triumphs with the entire world…your love for your family spills out into every facet of your life.

·     Thank you for being an example.  Not everyone has a dad that they can look up to as an example of who they want to be, but I sure do.  I can only hope that the woman I am is a reflection of the man you are.

·     Thank you for teaching me about my Heavenly Father.  Thank you for loving me enough to show me, through words and example, the ultimate Love of the Father.  Thank you for serving our family and for leading us in Christ. 

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

  

Thank you for being there.  Thank you for coaching my soccer team, for joining the PTA, for coaching softball, attending every single concert/event I was ever in, and for cheering louder than any other parent.

Thank you for praying with me and for me.

Thank you for providing for me.  Thank you for teaching me about managing money, planning for the future, and for making sure I always had more than I needed.

Thank you for loving my husband as if he were your own.  Thank you for adopting him right into the family.  I don’t think you’ll ever know what that means to me…

Thank you for setting an example in your marriage.  Thank you for loving my mom in a way that is transparent and vulnerable, in a way that is a constant testimony to your faith, to your devotion, and to the unconditional love you share.  Thank you for letting me see that example.

And most of all....thank you for the amazing childhood.  Thank you for making every memory one to treasure.  Thank you for the gift of family, an indescribable family, that loves in an indescribable way.

Thank you for you. 

I love you more than words can say, and this doesn't even begin to cover it.  I hope that this Father's Day, and every day after it, you will know the depth of my love and appreciation for all you've done and sacrificed for me.  

With all my love,

Your little girl

Prayer Request

I'm back with a quick prayer request:

Tomorrow, at 11:30, Adam and I will be back up at OHSU for another ultrasound to see if anything has changed since we were there on Sunday.  We are praying that the technician will see clear signs that the hormone therapy did work and that we are back on track....if only a few days late :) We are also praying for wisdom for the doctors in knowing what to do next, and a peace and calm for Adam and I as we work with the doctors.

Thank you for partnering with us in prayer!!

"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."
Psalms 145:18

Journey of Faith

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7). 

I'd like to invite you into our lives for a little bit as I share with you a journey that Adam and I have been on for the past eight months.  We are opening up our lives to share some of the most vulnerable aspects of who we are, and we do so with the full knowledge that we are imperfect people leading imperfect lives.  We don't have all the answers, but we do know The One who does. 

First and foremost, we ask you to partner with us in prayer as we continue this walk of faith.   We ask that you raise your hands in praise with us as we give glory to, and wait upon, our Lord and Savior. 

I guess the best place to start is at the beginning.

A little over eight months ago, Adam and I made the decision that we wanted to start a family.  When we made that decision, we were giddy with anticipation of becoming pregnant and welcoming a new baby into our family.  We had every reason to assume it would happen for us like we had seen it happen for so many other young couples, and we were excited.  We talked about all the things we'd do "next summer" and always had the caveat that I would probably be pregnant.  

As I type this, it's hard to think back to those days.  Summer is upon us, and I'm not pregnant.  We're still learning the reasons for that, and are working with a wonderful doctor up at OHSU to try and "reset" my hormones so they are working at full capacity.   Right now, we don't have the answers.  In many ways, we're in a holding pattern as we wait to see how my body reacts to the medications I've been given.  

Man, it's been rough.     

This has been a journey of heartache, sadness, fear, and anger.  It has been a journey that has pulled us apart, led us into one another's arms, and brought us to our knees.  It has been humbling.  There were days when I was literally crying out to God, tears pouring down my face, as I wondered why this trial was given to us.  There were days when I felt unbelievably alone, confused, and absolutely lost.   

But God's so much bigger than that.   

This has been a journey that has healed us in ways we could never have fathomed, and didn't even know existed.  This has been a journey that has touched our soul, awakened a hunger, and revealed an unshakable promise about who we are and who we were always meant to be.  We have grown.  We have been blessed.  Individually we are not the same people we were when we began this journey, and together we are stronger than ever. 

As I think back to all the lows over the past year, I can't help but pair them with all of the incredible highs.  God has been with us every moment.  He has constantly revealed Himself to us when we were at our lowest, filling us with the peace that comes from knowing that we are not alone, that He is in control, and that there is a finish line....even though we can't see it.   

We are resting in that knowledge. 


This journey isn't over yet, but we want to share it with you.  We want to live it out loud as a testimony to the Almighty God we serve.   Will you walk this road with us?

Inaugural Post

Today I am praising God for the simple things. Heartfelt conversations with the man I love, sunny days that fill me with joy, and the sweet anticipation of a future I know He holds in His hands.

I've been listening to Sidewalk Prophet's The Words I Would Say a LOT recently. I don't know why, but the lyrics speak to my heart. From the very first time I heard it, I claimed those lyrics for the babies I have yet to meet. What an awesome promise, and a message of unwavering and unconditional love. I guess I have babies on the brain (and no, I am not making some sort of covert attempt to announce anything...ha!)

I guess I've just been struck recently by the absolute beauty of life. Blessing abound, and the older I get, the more appreciative I am of the life that has been given to me. God is so good!  I need to remember to praise Him during every season of life.  What a good reminder.  

Here are a few pictures of what we've been up to:

For Valentine's Day, we went to the beach for the weekend. 

The surf was amazing, we'd never seen anything like it!  Sunday morning, we went for a drive along the coast and stopped in Newport to look at the water.

As we walked, we got completely sprayed by a wave that came over the bluff.  I got wet.

We had a ton of fun!  It was so nice to get away and enjoy time together.  Even though we'll both be turning 25 this year, I feel like I'm still 21 and newly engaged to the man of my dreams.  Time really flies.  What a blessing that I have 50+ more years to look forward to walking through life hand in hand with this guy God has gifted me....I'm loving every minute.

Shortly after that, I got together with a few of my wonderful friends--who happen to work with me...did I mention God is good??--and filmed an a-mazing rap video for a reading promotion at school.

Mrs. D-bizzle and Mrs. B-dizzle :)

And here's the whole gang: Mrs. D-bizzle,  Mrs. A-izzle, and Mrs. B-dizzle.  Who says teachers aren't cool?!  Obviously they never went to Sumpter :)

It was a lot of fun :)

The last piece of big news in our life is the new four-wheeled addition to the family we're expecting in the next few months.

Ever since the day we met five years ago, Adam has been talking about a truck.  He's always wanted one.  And, it's time.  The Explorer, while we have loved and enjoyed it during the time it's been part of our lives, needs to go.

Ideally, Adam wants one of these:

We test drove a few today.  Definitely love them :)  The four door is my requirement, so it can be a long-term family car.  We're hopeful one of these will be coming to live with us in the next few months, and when it does, of course I will post pictures!!!!