Faith

Well hello again :)

I'm coming to you all today with a heavy heart.  I want to open up our lives once more and invite you along on our journey.

Earlier this month, I was given a "trigger" shot to force ovulation.  As it was in months past, we were told to wait two weeks and then, if no period, to test for pregnancy.

Well, that was exactly two weeks ago yesterday.

I don't think I slept more than two hours straight Tuesday night.  Before going to bed, we drove up to Silver Falls and found a quiet spot to reflect and pray together--thanking God for His provision over the past year, and asking His blessing on the month...begging on bended knee that this be THE month.

After a restless night, we found each other awake at 4:30--anxious and praying together, crying out to God--for these results to answer our prayers from the past year.  I finally peed on the stick at 5:15, and after three minutes of anticipation, we saw only one line.  Negative.

That was yesterday. I still haven't started my period, but the pregnancy test was negative.  To say it was heartbreaking would be an understatement.  I hurt. If you've ever wanted something so badly that it physically tears at you, consumes your every waking thought, then you understand.  My heart feels raw.  I feel exposed.  I feel like I got sucker-punched.  It hurts more to come this far--to reach home plate only to be told I missed a base and have to go back.  Start over.  Try again.

The obvious question is why.  Why not this month?  Why does it have to be so hard?  Why us?  

I'd be lying if I said I don't ask myself those questions, if I said I don't cry them out to God when I'm alone and scared.  I'd be lying if I said I don't wrestle with doubt, with uncertainty, and with my own faith in a Divine plan.

But here's the kicker.

It's okay.  When I'm having moments of doubt, when I'm afraid and scared, God meets me right there.  He listens as I pour out my heart.  He loves me despite my insecurities, my imperfect faith.  He is my friend who sticks closer than a brother.  He walks beside me.  He holds my hand, kisses away my tears, and pulls me close to His side.  He loves me.  I am His child.  And He lovingly whispers in my ear--reminding me of who I am, who He made me to be, and who I am in Him.

And in those moments I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  I feel soft whispers prodding me onward, because what good is faith if I can only muster it up when times are good?  What about the faith that David had when he faced Goliath?  Or Daniel in the lion's den? Or Noah, Abraham and Moses?  What they had was no run-of-the-mill faith.  It's the kind that moves mountains.  It's the kind of faith God is calling me to.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.

I limit my faith when I try to put God in a box--try to neatly fit the enormity of the Creator the Universe into a frame of reference that my humanity can understand.  The reality is God is incomprehensible.  His majesty is beyond our ability to understand.  His ways are mysterious.  Does that make him unapproachable?  Just the opposite.  It makes him approachable. By faith.  By trusting in the Creator to best manage the intricacies of my own meager existence.  

And so here we are.

We are going to wait through the weekend before we call the doctor and proceed with medication to force my cycle to reset itself.  We've decided to not take any more pregnancy tests until Sunday.  We're not giving up yet.

My God walks on water.  He can turn one line into two without batting an eyelash.  I believe that.  Do you believe it, too?  Will you pray with us?