Life in the Fast Lane

We're back.

We spent just a little over 3 hours up at OHSU meeting with various people who would be involved in this IVF process.  We met with our doctor, we talked to the IVF coordinator, and we hung out in the lab downstairs where they took five (FIVE) vials of my blood.  Please note: Adam only had to give two...and his vials made mine look like the Eiffel Tower. 

The only person we did not get to meet with was the financial counselor ($$$) because she was sick.  So, we had to leave without knowing just how much this process is going to cost.  Maybe, since she canceled on us, we'll get a discount.  Yes?  No.

All joking aside, we walked away committed and excited for all that is to come.  Before the meeting with our doctor, we asked God just to use us as a mouthpiece for Him, to mold our words and our actions to reflect who He is and who we are in Him.  We were so grateful for the chance to do that.

We shared exactly what we believe.  We laid it all out on the line.  We talked about how we believe every life is sacred, about how we believe life begins at conception, and how there will be no embryos discarded.  We made it clear there will be no aborted babies under the veil of 'selective reduction'.  We told our doctor we will consider every life we create to be wholly ours, a child waiting for a chance to be born.  We told him we'd never leave one behind (almost felt like a Marine when I dropped that line....sempre fi, do or die!!)

We shared it all.  And when we were done, our doctor just nodded.  He was absolutely respectful of what we had said, and absolutely on board. 

Basically, here's the bottom line that you've all been waiting for:  We are doing this. 

We're also doing this soon.  We had preliminary blood work done today before we left, after we got back into town I swung by my PCP and picked up some test results to fax up to OHSU, and the rest begins...next week.  If all goes according to schedule, the IVF process will be completed right before Thanksgiving, and we'll know if it was successful right around the first week of December.  If it works, we're looking at a baby (babies?) with an August 2011 birthday.  Reading that makes me giddy.  Will you start praying with us now for this process and for that baby?  Will you pray for the doctors and nurses that we come into contact with at OHSU? 

We feel so strongly that God is leading us down this path, that He is opening doors and clearing the way that He would have us walk.  We don't know why this path was chosen for us, but the farther along we go, the more we realize that maybe it's just not about us.  And let me tell you, that's an amazing feeling. 

Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me

Thank you, Matthew West, for putting my thoughts into song this morning: 

Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours
give me open hands and open doors
put Your light in my eyes and let me see
that my own little world is not about me

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
Show me there’s a greater purpose,
I could be living right now

This is our prayer for the day.  Show us the bigger picture, Lord.  Help me see how this life isn't about me.  

OHSU in t-minus 2.5 hours.  So excited.  Stay tuned...so much more to come

This one's dedicated to the one I love...

It's true

God gave me you

Distraction

....that's exactly what this is.

The game is on, and my beloved Ducks are choking on a big, fat Arizona Sun Devil pitchfork.  I need to take a step back from the TV, breathe, and remind myself that this is just a game.
[Side note: My intensity over Duck football makes gets my husband excited.  He just looked at me in that way.  Ladies, you know what I mean.  Secret guy turn-on: having your girl scream at the TV and fist pump.  Who knew?]

[Sidenote x2: Darrin just threw an interception.  And Arizona scored again. Can it be halftime yet?]

Anyway.

This week has been pretty amazing, in so many different ways.  We have so many reasons to be thankful, and too many blessings to count.

Those of you who pay careful attention to my facebook wall may have noticed that Adam and I are excited about an upcoming appointment at OHSU on Wednesday.  We are meeting with our potential team of baby-makers.  We can't wait to sit down with them and talk about who we are and what we believe.  We can't wait to learn more about this process.  We feel like we're standing on the 10 yard line, and now all we need is one beautiful throw lobbed into the end zone to seal the deal (excuse the football metaphor, it's on the brain.)

[Sidenote: Duck touchdown! 3 point game.  Get it boys, get it.]

Our appointment is at 9:00, and will start with an hour-long meeting with our doctor.  He'll tell us about the IVF process, and we'll lay out for him exactly what we're comfortable with.  We'll tell him that we believe life begins at the moment of conception.  We'll tell him that we believe every life is precious.  We'll tell him we're coming back for every single baby we create.  That they will all get a chance at life.  That we believe they are our babies just waiting to be born.  We'll tell him that, no matter what, every baby put inside of me will be carried to term.  Period.

After that meeting, we'll be joined by an IVF Coordinator and an IVF Financial Adviser.  The coordinator, should we choose to continue in this process, would become our point-person.  Our main contact at OHSU.  The financial adviser will tell us just how much money it's going to cost us to make these babies.  Boy do we ever have a praise regarding financing IVF.  That'll be a story for another time.

[TOUCHDOWN!!!!! Ducks take the lead!!!!!!  See, you don't even need to watch the game! I got your back ;)]

When we leave OHSU on Wednesday, we should have a much better idea of what the future will look like.  If all goes well, we could be doing an IVF cycle as soon as October.  October.  If it works, we'll have an August 2011 baby.

I don't want to count my ducks before they hatch (there we go again...Ducks on the brain), but I'd be lying to say it doesn't get me excited.  I trust that God has already set His master plan for Breitenstein babies in motion, and I like to talk to Him about how excited I am for Him to reveal it.  I love the excitement I feel as we get closer to the big reveal, and I bet He does too.


This week we had an amazing God moment.  We had the opportunity to meet with a couple who has been there and done that when it comes to IVF.   We had the opportunity to share our fears, to hear their story, and to be incredibly uplifted and encouraged by their wisdom and insight.  Their passion for God, and for this God-given science, spoke to our hearts.  We felt God's presence so strongly in that moment, and we left in absolute awe.  Near the end of our time together, this dear couple led us in prayer, and there was one part that made little tears well up in my eyes:

"Lord, we pray that five years down the road Adam and Mandy will be sitting at their kitchen table, with their babies asleep in their beds, sharing their journey with another young couple facing the same questions that they face now."

Amen, Lord.

Our meeting reminded me of this verse, because our time with this amazing couple reminded me of why God wants us to have good, solid Christian friends to share your walk with. 

“Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.” (Proverbs 19:20)

I believe that once you turn the reigns of your life over to God for Him to fully handle, He will make sure that you get matched up with the right kind of people that you can become true God-friends with.  As iron sharpens iron...

We can only hope that this week sparked a new friendship that will last far into the future, as we both watch our babies--present and future--grow into young men and women who love the Lord.   Let it be, let it be!

[Um...Ducks turned over the ball, almost let Arizona get a touchdown (my heart almost stopped), and then intercepted it.  And then went 3 and out. Arghhhhhh!]

After such an amazing week where we could so clearly see God's hand guiding and leading, I find myself energized and excited.  I can't wait to see all that is in store.

The only bummer?  I caught my first cold of the school year (inevitable), and as I write this, I have two kleenex stuck up my nose (nice mental image, yes?).  I've probably used a good 25 in the time it's taken me to write this.  I considered taking a picture of the pile of used tissues just to prove my point, but thought better of it at the last moment.  Good call?

Until next time, and GO DUCKS!!
[Sorry, but you'll just have to turn on the game to see if we can pull of this win.  I say...we CAN!]

Love, love, and more love,
- A&M

It's a God thing

God is doing some huge (HUGE) things in our life right now.  I stand in absolute awe of His grace and mercy.  Prayers are being answered, needs are being met. God is leading (in a big way, with bright neon lights....clearly He heard my cries for my own personal burning bush) and we are so excited to follow. 

More to come.

"Though sorrow may last for a night, JOY comes with the morning"

Psalms 30:5

Things I Love

I've decided to blog this afternoon about some of the things I love.  Why?  Because there are a lot of them.  And because I want them to be a mere click away in my blog archives on days when I forget to be grateful for them. Valid reasons?  More than you know.  

I'm going to start with the most important.  My sweet, sweet husband.

This is my sweet, sweet husband doing the booty shake while burrowing his little feet deep into the sand at Lincoln City.  The squawk-ey (how on earth do you spell that) laughter in the background is me...and yes, I do realize I sound like a parrot.  My husband does a great impression of this laugh. 

This man is a gem.  Thank you Lord for sending me a man as goofy as I am.  You may think that's an exaggeration (especially if you know me and my goofy personality well) but I assure you it is true.  I offer up the following evidence:

See what I mean?  Total goof.  He will be such an amazing daddy.  Do you know we walk down the lego aisle everytime we go to Walmart?  And did you know that Adam picks out the sets (he is especially fond of Star Wars) he'll buy for our future sons?  I can't wait to watch him building legos on the carpet with our babies.  I just hope he shares. 

Another thing I love would be my amazing family and friends.  Such tremendous blessings, each and every one.   I can't even count the ways they have touched our lives.  We feel so blessed.

And because we are so blessed, I am going to bless you all with the goofiest pictures I can find of these wonderful people.  To those who are about to be featured: You're welcome in advance.  We love you!!!

Ah, perfect.  The Breitenstein brothers and the women who love them.  

(This is my wonderful brother-in-law and (future) sister-in-law)

This is the amazing, wonderful family that God blessed me with (admittedly not goofy, but I just love this picture)

This is much better.  Who knows what they're doing (?), but I love 'em!

My precious mama.  Everything I want to be as a mother is manifested in this woman.

And now, join me for a quick trip down memory lane......

Who is that darling little girl?  Gosh she's cute :)
(Love this picture of me and my daddy/hero)

Look at me sharing.  It's a good thing they gave me a purple umbrella, otherwise you might think I was a little boy. 

Look at us all grown up.  This is definitely a good look for us.
(Love my big brother/best friend!!)

And what is this?  Just a picture of some teachers I know.....

(These are my amazing friends who agreed to let me videotape them rapping and then show it to the whole school.  I'd say we are officially forever friends.)

Other things I love?  Fall days, 560 K-5 students who I'm blessed to know and work with five days a week, chai tea lattes on my way to work, 3 furry babies who give Adam and I a run for our money (can you say spoiled?), roses, long walks with my husband, dreaming of the future, newborn hands and feet, giggles, rain, the sand in between my toes, an amazing view of Creation, and.....

.....there's so much more.  I can't even begin to list them all, but I did save the very best for last.

The biggest love of my life is the most important: my Jesus.  While it's true that I don't have a picture I can post of Jesus making a monkey face, I DO have a clear picture of who He is written on my heart....and that's even better :)  When I get to heaven, I'll make sure and ask Him to give me His very best impression of a monkey.  Since He was the one who created them, I feel like my expectations should be quite high.  :)

Full Disclosure

We were up at OHSU yesterday for what (we thought) would be our go-ahead for triggering ovulation.  Unfortunately, what the ultrasound revealed wasn't what we were expecting.  There was no follicle.  No egg ready to be released.  The Clomid didn't work.

After talking with the doctor, and tears like you would not believe, we've arrived at the crossroads we never wanted to be at: After five months of Clomid, our doctor has informed us that the likelihood of success is decreasing at an alarming rate.

Apparently, Clomid has a 6-8% success rate, and most pregnancies that occur fall within the first 2 months of Clomid; 95% within the first 6 months.  This is our fourth month, and since it didn't work, we're now looking at five months and no baby.  Unfortunately, Clomid works by drying up cervical mucus fluids, and the longer you're on Clomid, the more hostile environment it creates for sperm.   That, coupled with the fact that Clomid has unexplainably not worked this month, and our doctor was saying the word we've been afraid of since day 1: In Vitro.

Basically, we are standing on the brink of a defining moment in our lives.  We are struggling with some very big decisions that are undeniably terrifying.  We want to be parents.  We can't give up the dream of a baby, but what path would God have us take into parenthood?  How do we honor Him? We want to walk each step IN step with Him.  We want our decisions to reflect our faith, to point back to His love, His grace, and His undeniable wisdom and goodness.  But what will that look like?  Which way do we go? Where's my burning bush, Lord? 

I don't have any answers.  All I have is a lot of questions.

Adam and I will be spending the next few weeks on bended knee.  Will you pray for us?  We are asking you to pray for wisdom, discernment, and courage to go where God leads.   We are asking you to pray that God just makes His plan for us abundantly clear, that we can see His hand as it works to create a path for us to walk.

This is uncharted territory for us.  We honestly never thought we'd be here.  I'm still struggling with the words to describe this place, what we're feeling, and the heartache that we feel.  And yet, there is a peace.  I can only explain it this way....

As we were driving out of the OHSU parking lot after hearing the news, this was literally the song that came on the radio as Adam turned the key in the ignition.



I started sobbing....it was like a dam broke in my soul.  And the tears weren't because of the heartache; they were because of the grace.  Because my God is so faithful to me.  Because my God put this song on the radio to speak to my heart.  To encourage me.  To show me He is in control.  And that gives me the strength to say, with all of my heart...

No matter what, I still love You.
And no matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust You.  
No matter what

Waiting in Expectation

Adam and I had our first visit of the month up at OHSU this weekend.  We'll be heading back Thursday morning for some definitive news, but so far we're looking consistent with where we've been in past months at this same point in my cycle.  That's good news, and we thank you in advance for your prayers over the next few days as we anticipate our next trip to OHSU.

Before heading home, we stopped by Tony's place in the Pearl and walked to The Daily Cafe with him (yummy) for a Sunday brunch.  It's always fun to spend time with my older brother, and this morning was no exception.  I wish more of our trips to OHSU could fall on a weekend so we'd be able to do that with him more often!!

After that, we made one quick stop by the mall to visit the Duck store (since we don't have one in Salem).  Adam and I each picked up one of these:

Go Ducks!  I spotted these little bad boys during a crowd shot of the game at Autzen last week, and wanted one.  Sadly, we don't have a Duck store in Salem, so I've been biding my time until we made a trip to either Eugene or Portland.  Now I'm all set for the game next week....which we have tickets to!!!

We made one other purchase at the Duck store, and I must say I'm pretty excited about it: 

Yes, those are baby booties, and no, I am not pregnant.  Yet.  But I will be.  Adam and I have been talking about waiting in expectation, and preparing our fields for the rain we believe God will send.  These baby booties are just one small way that we are stepping out in faith, proclaiming God's faithfulness, and standing firm in our belief that God hears us and His help is already on the way.  We also thought their symbolism was pretty spot on.  They represent where we've been (Adam grew up in Eugene, and we met as undergrads at the University of Oregon), and they represent where we're going (a journey into parenthood). 

Someday there will be newborn feet filling out these booties, and when we've finally reached that place in life, we'll remember back to today, to this season, and we will praise our Savior for His grace, for His faithfulness, and for His love.  What a sweet day that will be.  In the meantime, we wait.  And while we wait, we praise.  

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalms 5:3

"Once there were two farmers who desperately needed rain & both of them prayed to God. But only one of them went out & prepared his field to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send a rain? God will send the rain when He's ready.  You just need to prepare your field to receive it. "

I leave you with a picture of our pug, Toby, after a brisk walk on a sunny afternoon.  As soon as we got home, he made a beeline for the air vent and collapsed on top of it; desperately trying to soak up all the air conditioning he could....

This just cracks me up!!!

Facing the Giants

Earlier tonight, Adam and I sat down to watch Facing the Giants. If you haven't seen it, the story is about a high school football team and their journey towards success as a team. It follows the head coach as he "faces the giants" on and off the field--off the field, he and his wife have been trying for four years to have a baby, and are dealing with the heartache of infertility. It's no secret why that struck home. On the field, the story is one of faith and redemption, of trusting in God and giving glory to Him despite the circumstances. I loved it. Yes, the acting was cheesy, but the message was clear. It spoke right to my heart.

I jotted down some quotes from the movie that I wanted to remember, and I'm going to share them (along with my own commentary).

I'm still clinging to a hope that one day we'll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met?

This quote made me cry. This is how I feel. My heart aches and longs for babies that I have never met. I miss them. I pray for them. I can't wait to hold them. I am already absolutely in love with the babies God has yet to bless me with; I can't even imagine what it will feel like to hold them in my arms.

In God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it.

What a good reminder. Fear is my greatest enemy. I find so much comfort in knowing that God's message on the subject is so clear. I can hear him whispering to my heart "trust me".  In a trusting relationship with my Savior, fear has no roots. 

"If the Lord never gives us children, will you still love Him?”

Isn't that the question? This is the hardest question in our lives as believers; will we choose to love Him even when the answer is no? Will we choose to love Him when it hurts? It breaks my heart to imagine that being true for Adam and I, but my answer is still an unqualified yes. To God be the glory, now and forever. My life, this journey, everything I say and do--it's committed to my King. I trust Him. I know His plan for me is good.

Once there were two farmers who desperately needed rain & both of them prayed to God.
But only one of them went out & prepared his field to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send a rain? God will send the rain when He's ready.  You just need to prepare your field to receive it.

Amen.  Faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you do not see.  I know I quote that verse in Hebrews a lot, but I also know that God places it on my heart a lot as a reminder that I desperately need.  I need to prepare my field.  We are waiting in expectation and trusting that God.will.deliver. 

Revelations 3:7-8

The doors He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept My word and have not denied My name.

See You At The Pole 2010

Blessed

I started out this week feeling like I was standing in front of a gushing fire hydrant.  Getting blasted with ice cold water, being pushed backward when all I really wanted to do was sidestep the hurdle and surge on ahead.  I was feeling defeated.  I was feeling afraid to hope.

Luckily, my God is SO much bigger than that.

Today, I'm feeling incredibly blessed, and I'm going to tell you exactly why.

Adam and I are blessed by the amazing friends and family that God has so graciously placed in our life--for this moment, this journey, this season--for such a time as this.  We are blessed by the outpouring of love and support that we have seen, time and time again, from people we're close to and people we're not.  We are touched by the compassion, the faith, and the care that has been poured out to us and expressed in countless different ways.  To put it simply, we are grateful.  

This past week, especially, I have seen God's incredible grace in our lives, and His faithfulness manifested in the love of those around us.  He's met our needs--my needs this week--and shown me unequivocally that we are not alone in this, that we are loved, prayed for, and that our pain can never overshadow our joy.

Let me recap a few highlights of the week:

Our dear friends the Andrews appeared at our door one Sunday evening with a beautiful bouquet of orange and yellow flowers.  "Sunny Days" was what the arrangement was called, and Melissa told me they'd chosen it because those were exactly the kind of days that they knew were ahead for us.  On the wrapping of the flowers, Melissa had written encouragement in the form of a Bible verse.   I've said it before and I'll say it again--these incredible friends have been an incredible blessing in our lives from the day we met them.  They have prayed with us, encouraged us, and been there for all the ups and downs along the way.  I saved a few of the flowers from the bouquet and put them into our Blessing Box with a tag that read, "The blessing of forever friends."

Josh and Melissa, thank you for being the kind of friends we can't wait to spend the next 50 years hanging out with.   Thank you for standing with us.  You may never know just how much it means.
______________________________________
Yesterday, as we do every Saturday, we had breakfast with my parents.   This has become one of our favorite traditions--I love and cherish the time we spend laughing and talking with my mom and dad over the everyday happenings of life.  They are two of the funniest people I know, and I am blessed beyond belief to count my mom and dad as two of my closest and very best friends.  And yesterday, in the middle of our breakfast, my parents completely amazed us by meeting a need that we didn't even know they knew we had.  We were shocked.  We were humbled.  We were blessed.  I couldn't even find the words to thank them--my mouth just couldn't seem to form the right words to convey my gratitude and love for who they are.  After we left, Adam and I drove home in awe.  We were so touched by their love, and it led into a conversation about who we want to be as parents.  We talked about how everything we hope to be is manifested in who they are.   We talked about the selfless, unconditional love they openly display, and how they have been such a steady rock in the storm.  What amazing parents I have.  What incredible love.  

Mom and Dad, we are beyond thankful for who you are.  Thank you for showing us--through example--how to love down to tips of our toes.  Thank you for sharing your faith and bending your knee in prayer.  Thank you for being in example in all you do--I hope you know that we want to be just like you, because you want to be just like Him.  I just couldn't possibly love you any more.
____________________________________

Today, Adam and I had the incredible pleasure of spending the day at the beach with Eric and Caitlin.  We love every moment that we get to spend with these two, and were SO excited to spend the day just hanging out.  As they walked through the front door, we were greeted with something unexpected:

Wow. A bottle of wine, Euphoria chocolates, bubble bath, a candle, and a gift certificate to a romantic restaurant in Portland. 

And there was this:

A note of encouragement, with our biggest and most heartfelt desire written right on the seal.  It's like they pulled that one right out of my heart--knowing our most desperate desire and commiting to pray for it alongside us.  What a blessing, and it went right into the box. Honestly, I was completely blown away by how precious these two people are.  I just adore them.  Caitlin and Eric have loved on us in such incredible ways and been a constant support since the beginning.  The amount of thought and care that went into this basket just blows me away.   After we got home from the beach, and as were saying our goodbyes, Adam gave Eric the biggest bear hug--almost knocked his little brother over--and we all just doubled over in laughter.  If you knew these two boys well, you'd know that hugging has never been something they do--that's just not how they express themselves.  Over the years, Cait and I have been working on a little brotherly love, but usually any hugs exchanged are prompted by one of us girls.  But not today.  Adam's impromptu hug just tugged at my little heartstrings, because that's exactly how I feel.  Overwhelmed with love and gratitude for these amazing people God has given us to call family.   After they left, I just stood in the kitchen staring at the basket with little tears welling up in my eyes.  I am so touched. 

Eric and Cait, I don't even know where to start.  We love you two tremendously, and when we count our blessings, we count you each twice.  Thank you for praying with us, for telling us that you do, and for letting us know that we aren't in this alone.  I may never have the right words to express what that means.  My heart is full of love---it's just bursting in thankfulness for the tremendous ways you bless our life. 

___________________________

 
Do you see what I mean?  I wasn't lying when I said that we have been blessed.  God has poured out His love in amazing ways, through these amazing people.  We are so thankful, and we are so READY!

I'm ready to proclaim that this is THE month.  That we are going to step out in faith, praying specifically because we want it all, and we know that God wants to give it. 

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalms 5:3

 

A date with my love

Yesterday, Adam and I got to spend an evening together just hanging out at the State Fair.  I love date nights.  I love spending time with husband--holding his hand, laughing, and just being together. 

At the fair!

I LOVED looking at the entries for cake decorating -- this one is made out of fondant and I just loved it!!  I wish I could do something like that

This one cracked Adam and I up.  Redneck Retirement!

Then, I made friends with this cute little pig.  His oink reminded me of my pug Toby, so I took his picture :)

And to round out the night, I made some friends in the goat area.  I love goats.  If we had a farm, the first two animals I would buy are a goat and a llama.  

All in all, we had a wonderful time!  I am so blessed by this amazing man that I have to call my husband.   This was our last "date night" before the new school year kicks into high gear, and I loved it!