Full Disclosure

We were up at OHSU yesterday for what (we thought) would be our go-ahead for triggering ovulation.  Unfortunately, what the ultrasound revealed wasn't what we were expecting.  There was no follicle.  No egg ready to be released.  The Clomid didn't work.

After talking with the doctor, and tears like you would not believe, we've arrived at the crossroads we never wanted to be at: After five months of Clomid, our doctor has informed us that the likelihood of success is decreasing at an alarming rate.

Apparently, Clomid has a 6-8% success rate, and most pregnancies that occur fall within the first 2 months of Clomid; 95% within the first 6 months.  This is our fourth month, and since it didn't work, we're now looking at five months and no baby.  Unfortunately, Clomid works by drying up cervical mucus fluids, and the longer you're on Clomid, the more hostile environment it creates for sperm.   That, coupled with the fact that Clomid has unexplainably not worked this month, and our doctor was saying the word we've been afraid of since day 1: In Vitro.

Basically, we are standing on the brink of a defining moment in our lives.  We are struggling with some very big decisions that are undeniably terrifying.  We want to be parents.  We can't give up the dream of a baby, but what path would God have us take into parenthood?  How do we honor Him? We want to walk each step IN step with Him.  We want our decisions to reflect our faith, to point back to His love, His grace, and His undeniable wisdom and goodness.  But what will that look like?  Which way do we go? Where's my burning bush, Lord? 

I don't have any answers.  All I have is a lot of questions.

Adam and I will be spending the next few weeks on bended knee.  Will you pray for us?  We are asking you to pray for wisdom, discernment, and courage to go where God leads.   We are asking you to pray that God just makes His plan for us abundantly clear, that we can see His hand as it works to create a path for us to walk.

This is uncharted territory for us.  We honestly never thought we'd be here.  I'm still struggling with the words to describe this place, what we're feeling, and the heartache that we feel.  And yet, there is a peace.  I can only explain it this way....

As we were driving out of the OHSU parking lot after hearing the news, this was literally the song that came on the radio as Adam turned the key in the ignition.



I started sobbing....it was like a dam broke in my soul.  And the tears weren't because of the heartache; they were because of the grace.  Because my God is so faithful to me.  Because my God put this song on the radio to speak to my heart.  To encourage me.  To show me He is in control.  And that gives me the strength to say, with all of my heart...

No matter what, I still love You.
And no matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust You.  
No matter what