Adopted and Loved

I was staring at the latest picture of Blake today, the one where he’s sucking his precious little thumb and has his other hand tucked up so adorably by his face, and I couldn’t help but feel incredibly, immeasurably, undeservedly blessed.

I have a human being living inside of me.  God has gifted Adam and I with a little boy, and in August, we’ll get to bring him into the world.

I wrote a blog post I never published months and months ago talking about how infertility has softened my heart. I wrote about all the ways God has changed me and revealed little snippets of my own character that He needed me to work on.  He’s drawn me into Himself, and in doing so, stripped me of the blinders we so often can have when it comes to our own life.  And I’ve learned a lot.

The biggest lesson by far has been the way this journey has changed my outward view.  Walking through infertility has made me want to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and instead wear the heart of my Savior.  God has given me a profound desire for a heart that listens more and judges less.

And that’s big, because it hasn’t always been me.

If you know me, then you know I’m an opinionated person. I’m passionate, and I believe in things strongly.  My heart breaks over abortion.  Nothing fires me up more than a good political debate.  I’m conservative in every sense of the word.  My husband calls me his firecracker (lovingly, I’m sure) and at times I have been known to be a bit sassy.  I come by these traits honestly (ahem, mom and dad) but I also know that they don’t necessarily reflect the heart of my Savior.
 
People don’t change because you yell at them. Hearts aren't softened by boisterous condemnation.  I can't change a life by judging an action.  Jesus came as a servant King.  He loved, and that’s what we’re called to do as well. 

And loving doesn’t have to mean agreeing.  Rather, it’s a conscious decision to love the person and let God deal with the sin.  How else can we be God’s transparent messengers of the Light in this dark, dark world?  It’s easy to condemn when you’ve never walked through the fire.  It’s easy to judge someone when you’ve never walked in their shoes.

And in light of all that, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how different people approach infertility.

After walking down this road myself, I am profoundly aware that at some point, as believers in Christ, each of our paths split and morph into the unique journey that God has allowed, laid out, for each of us.  I absolutely believe that, and I can support and encourage the journeys of others around me even though they may not mirror my own.  Why?  Because God made us individuals.  He made our stories unique.  I recently went to dinner with two dear friends, and one of them put it this way: since God dwells in each of us, our relationships with Him are personal.  I can’t fathom His relationship or the whispered guidance He gives to others, and others simply can’t fathom His relationship with me.  That’s God’s plan, His design, to enter into the intimacy of relationship with each of us.

Even with knowing that, and believing that, it’s hard for me to deal well with people who look at my story, at the path Adam and I have walked, and want to judge.  Who want to somehow diminish the life of my son because of the way he was conceived.

In the past month, I encountered some very harsh criticism that hurt.  It hurt because I’m a people-pleaser.  I’m also human, and part of being human is caring about what other people think of you.  And I’m also a mom.  And as a mom, when you talk about my kid, you’d better be prepared for the claws.

And yes, it all relates back to IVF.

I’m not going to name names and I’m not going to point fingers, but I am going to share some of what was said.  I think it’s important, because I know I’m not alone in the path God has led me down, and I also know that my story is not my own.  I didn’t pick this path for myself, I never imagined myself on it, but nonetheless God has used it time and time again and allowed us the honor and joy of proclaiming His goodness and mercy and His manifested faithfulness in all three of our lives.  I am absolutely committed to being that transparent witness for what He has done for me, and this blog is one way I do that.

So I want to share more with you.

When Adam and I found out that our best chances for pregnancy were through IVF, our immediate reaction was one of fear.  I’ve blogged about that in the past.  We had visions of sextuplets, selective reduction and discarded embryos flashing through our heads, and we looked at each other and thought: no way this could be happening to us.

It was surreal.

In those early days, we were defined by our fear of the unknown.  We cried in each other’s arms, we renewed our interest in adoption, we tried to picture our family as forever just the two of us.  And through all of that, in each scenario, it felt wrong.  We weren’t fulfilled.  The God-given desire of our heart was for a family of our own; babies that were half of me and half of him.  And so we got on our knees.  We prayed that God would lead.  We prayed for the courage to go where led.  We prayed for a miracle.

There was so much God-stuff that happened during those days of fear.  I’ve blogged about it all before, so I won’t repeat myself, but what I will say is that God’s voice was clear.  We knew that God had laid this path out for us.  We knew His hand was upon this journey, and when God moves…it’s best to move with Him.

So we did.  And He led us to IVF.

I want to pause here because so often I read blogs or commentaries or articles about IVF as the “easy choice”. Couples who choose IVF are taking "the easy way out."  I’d bet my next paycheck that anyone writing those words has never experienced in vitro, because let me tell you what, it’s no easy choice.  There are a million considerations. It’s emotional, it’s physical…it's everything.  It's the commitment to a dream; a commitment to the lives of babies you have never met, and yet are wholly in love with.  There are no limits to how far I’d go to protect that.  I’d do anything. My life is secondary.  And I think that does reflect the heart of my Savior.  After all, He went to the Cross for me.  That’s the ultimate example of sacrificial love.

So when I ran across an article discussing IVF in a horribly negative light (and I use "ran across" loosely...it was dropped in my lap in a purposeful way), I was really offended.  The article referred to IVF babies as “a product” brought into the world devoid of any love relationship between mother and father.  A product?  Blake just kicked me out of sheer indignation at the thought, and I’ll come back to that in a minute.

The person who shared the article also shared her thoughts that IVF carries with it the necessary acceptance of a certain loss.  I would answer that with a question: Isn’t that what earthly love is? When you choose to love someone here on earth, you accept that at some point in the future you will lose them or they will lose you. You choose to put your heart and soul into loving someone for whatever time God gives you with them on this earth. Not one day is a given, no tomorrow is certain, and yet we choose everyday to give up that control to the One who has numbered all of our days from before we were ever conceived. That’s love, and it’s always worth the risk.

In our case, there just aren’t words to describe how it feels to long for the babies that we have yet to meet. We wanted them all, and we entrusted their lives to the Father long ago. They are our babies, the children we prayed for, and we rest in the assurance that this earth is not their home anymore than it is ours. We can’t wait to meet them, and the promise of that day to come is very real in our hearts.

Is that the acceptance of a certain loss?  Not at all, because we haven’t lost them.  Our reunion is still to come, and it will be so, so sweet.

This person also wrote that IVF is presumptive of God’s gifts. There's so much I could say here.

I think it’s presumptive to assume that anyone can possibly hope to know God’s plan for the lives of others. I think it’s presumptive to imply in any way that the life of my son was spoken into existence by anyone other than his Creator.  That he is somehow "less" of a human or lacking a soul because of the path he took into our arms.  As a mom, I have a strong desire to defend my son.  But thank you sweet Jesus that I don’t need to.  Blake’s life speaks for itself. God’s amazing mercy and grace speaks through him, because Blake is His child, and God knew from the beginning of time the exact path Blake would take into this world. And that plan for his life was perfect, because it was ordained by the Father.

And everything I just wrote is exactly what I told the person who originally posted the article. 

So why am I sharing all of this?  Because I know we all struggle with doubts.  Because I know there are always going to people who want to engage in a shouting match to see whose voice echoes the loudest.  It's human nature.  We're imperfect, and all too often that imperfection brings us into head-on collisions with one another.

But we don't have to be a slave to it.

I'm not defined by what someone else thinks of me.  I serve a God who enters into relationship with us, who loves us wholly and uniquely, and who desires the same in return.  His ways are mysterious, and His panoramic squashes my Polaroid every time.  So I let Him define me. 

I don’t have all the answers.  I know that our path is not the path for everyone, and I respect and honor those couples who feel a different pull on their hearts.  Why?  Because it’s relational.  God uses our stories and our journeys in different ways, and that’s the beauty of His design.

What I do know is that God is my carpenter, and He’s still pounding out the imperfections so that my heart may mirror His.  Until that time, I pray that He makes me pliable, not rigid, so that His work may be done in and through me.

Baby #2

I want to amend my last post just a little bit.

We have been profoundly blessed with the gift of this pregnancy, and our hearts overflow (more every single day) with thanksgiving for the life God has entrusted us with.

But I wanted to reflect a little more, because we transferred two, and we will bring only one into the world.  I want to acknowledge the loss of baby #2, because that little life was precious to us.

Our journey was unique.  Most people never get to experience what we experienced. Most people never know that there is a baby, a fertilized embryo, just waiting to attach.  Most people never know, because when the embryo travels into the uterus after fertilization, pregnancy can't be detected yet.  Most people never know the baby was there, and so most people can't miss the little life that could have been.  Most people never know they have experienced a miscarriage before implantation ever occurred.

But we're not most people.  We knew.  We've watched the promise of these babies develop from day 1--from each follicle that was stimulated in my ovaries, from each mature egg that was retrieved, and from each embryo that was created.   We prayed for each of those babies every single day, and after our transfer, we dreamed of what our future could look like with twins.  We knew.

As we've gone through this process, I feel like I've learned so much--about myself, and about the way pregnancy works.  It's such a miraculous process.  I now know that as many as 50% of pregnancies miscarry before implantation in the womb occurs.  That statistic is staggering.  Most of these miscarriages go undetected--they are called "missed" miscarriages because the mother never knew she was pregnant.  The baby just didn't implant.  The pregnancy wasn't to be.

I guess there are some who would probably prefer to never have known that a baby was lost.  Maybe in some ways it's easier to move on without knowing.  But not for us.  We are so glad we know.  That knowledge is yet another gift from God.  I may never have gotten to hold that baby in my arms, but those two weeks I carried it inside my womb are precious to me.  We are thankful that we can mourn the loss of that baby and commit the tiny life back into the waiting arms of the Father.  Thank you, Lord, for giving us that chance.

Our commitment to our babies--the one currently growing as well as the four waiting for us in the frozen nursery--is absolute.  We love them all.  We will give them all a shot at life, and we will continue to pray for and dream of our family with each precious baby added to it.   I can't wait to see the picture come together.  The loss of a baby is heartbreaking, but the joy of this pregnancy reminds us that God holds the blueprint.  From the beginning we committed this process to God, and we wholly believe that His hand is guiding the final formation of our family.   
 
We trust You, Lord.  

Catching Up

This post is going to be my attempt at catching up on all the excitement of the past few weeks.  And prepare yourselves...because it's a long one!!  

I'm starting (instead of ending) with a prayer request..because this post is long, and if you read nothing else I want you to read this!!

Prayer Request

Adam and I knew from the beginning of this process that we would not wait until after the first trimester to share the news of our pregnancy.  How could we?  We’ve asked you to pray with us and to walk this journey alongside us.  We have been so touched at how deeply so many of you have felt this right alongside us.  Not just the low moments, but also the incredible highs.  My heart was so full of love on Thursday, even before we found out, as I read your texts, emails and comments sharing your own excitement and anticipation of the results we had yet to receive.  You have felt this with us, and we are touched.
 

As of today, I’ve five weeks along.  I know that qualifies me as just a teeny-tiny bit pregnant.   I also know that the first trimester can be a dangerous time for growing babies.  And so, our greatest prayer request is that you just cover (smother!) our babies with prayers.  That you join us in praying God’s protection over them as they grow and mature inside of me, and that they be delivered safely into our waiting arms in August.  

Adam and I have claimed this verse for these babies, and have been praying it over them every night:

“He tends to His flock like a shepherd, He gathers the little lambs in His arms, He carries them close to His heart.” Isaiah 40:11

Will you join us in praying that God will gather these little lambs in His arms and carry them close to His heart?  That His mercy and grace will cover their lives from head to toe, and that He will guarantee their continued health and safety over the next 8 months?

Fertilization Report

On Tuesday, December 7^th we got our final fertilization report.   

Apparently the first time around there had a bit of a miscommunication, because out of the 15 that fertilized, the 13 babies we thought had made it to culture was actually only 12.  The others had never divided.

Those 12 were then placed in culture for five days.  On the day of our transfer (culture day 5), we had two blastocysts that were healthy and strong and ready for a shot in the baby-maker!  Those are the two that were transferred, and we now know, (at least one) attached to the uterine wall. 

At that time, the embryologist told us that we had several that had not divided since day 2.  She explained that they had “arrested”—meaning, they were no longer growing.  She also told us that we had a few others that had begun to degenerate; again, they were no longer dividing.  We also had some that looked great—that were on the verge of becoming blasts and were healthy and happy in their culture environment. 

After talking about it with our doctor, we decided to hold the “on the verge” embryos in culture for an extra two days to see if they would divide any further.  Adam and I made it clear that any division—and we didn’t care if we were talking one cell a week—indicated a living baby and we were determined to give it a shot at life.  The embryologist told us it was “improbable” that these babies would ever attach and be born.  We told her our God is the miracle-maker, and as long as these babies are dividing, they are alive and precious to us.  She agreed to do as we had asked, and freeze any baby that was dividing...regardless of how fast.

Two days after the transfer, we got the call with the final fertilization report.  Originally, our doctor had told us to expect that about 1/3 of the fertilized embryos would make it to be transferred and/or frozen.  That is just the natural atrophy rate that they undergo.  For us, out of our original 12 in culture, we transferred two and froze four….for a total of 6. 

When I got that news, I immediately felt hot little tears running down my face.  I was thrilled with the healthy embryos (all four that were frozen had made it to blasts) but was also mourning the loss of our other precious babies.  I was already in love with them.   

I called Adam, who called OHSU, and we asked for more information about those that we’d lost.  I wanted to know everything about their lives, and everything about how they had died.  We learned that three had degenerated to the point where no cell division was happening, and the embryo itself was losing its cellular integrity. The other three had all arrested—they were held in culture until day 7 (at our request), and those three hadn’t divided since day 2.   That gave us the closure we needed.  We believe that life begins at conception, and because we believe that, we also believe that God has already welcomed these precious babies back into His arms….and someday, when we get to heaven, we’ll meet them.  Between now and then, I rest in the knowledge that they are in the presence of their Father.  And I've asked Him to give them a giant hug from us. 

So now here we are.  We’ve got babies (hopefully two) in the oven, and four in the frozen nursery.  We pray for all six of those babies on a daily basis, and we ask that you join us. 

December 16, 2010

As you already know, December 16^th was a day that forever changed our lives.

At 7:30AM, we had an appointment at OHSU to have blood drawn.  It was a quick appointment—just a needle stick—and then we were headed back to Salem with the understanding that we would hear the news (pregnant or not pregnant) after 2PM. 

Adam and I both went to work.  Since we wouldn’t hear until late in the afternoon, there was no reason to take the whole day off.  Instead, we both took a half-day, and after a very anxious morning, I picked up Adam from work and we went and had lunch.  By the time we had finished eating, it was a little after 1, and before heading home we decided to take a drive and tour the tornado damage in and around Aumsville.  We had just gotten into Shaw (about five minutes from our house) when my phone started to ring.  It was only 1:46.  My heart was pounding out of chest. 

It was OHSU.

I frantically told Adam to pull the car over, and as soon as it was in park, I thrust my phone into his hands and told him he had to answer.  From the moment he picked up the phone, I knew it was good news. 

Is this Adam?

Yes

Adam, this is Christie.  I have your test results.  Are you ready…?

(deep breath, eyes locked with mine) We’re ready

Mandy’s pregnant!!!

(tears, tears, and more tears)

She gave us some other information—my beta level was 144 and my progesterone level was 20 (both good)—and made another appointment for a second blood test to check my levels the following Monday. 

But I wasn’t really paying attention to any of that, because I had just found out I was pregnant.   

Adam hung up the phone, we prayed prayers of thanksgiving—tears falling, hearts soaring, love abounding—and held each other for a long moment.  What precious time.  After more than a year of waiting, hoping and praying…our Almighty God, in His goodness and love, absolutely delivered.  He walked us through the valley and put our feet on top of the mountain.  He is worthy of ALL our praise!!

After that, we needed to tell our family.  I had told my parents the week before that I was taking a half-day so that I could surprise Adam with the news while he was at work.  However, in reality, this was a set-up so Adam and I could surprise my parents with the news.  Since this process hasn’t exactly been secretive, it was really the only way we’d have the opportunity to announce our pregnancy. 

The first phone call I made was to my mom.  She was out shopping.  I told her that I didn’t want to get the call from OHSU all alone, and asked if she would meet me at my parent’s house to wait it out with me.  Of course she agreed. 

Then, we drove to my dad’s office.  Adam called him and told him I was having car trouble at school—something about the alternator—and asked if he could borrow my dad’s truck to go help me out (we carpool to work).  Of course my dad agreed, and said he’d meet Adam in the parking lot to hand off the keys.  When he came out of the building, I was standing in the bushes and Adam was on the opposite side.  He saw Adam immediately.  As he handed Adam the keys, he started asking about what was wrong with the car and offering his jumper cables…..

The whole time he was talking, Adam was grinning at him with this stupid grin on his face. 

I think my dad was starting to wonder what was up, and he looked over his shoulder to see what Adam kept looking at.  That’s when he saw me.  He knew immediately.  He enveloped me in his arms as we told him he was going to be a grandpa.  What a special, precious moment.

Then we drove to my parent’s house to meet my mom.  We decided that I would go in first, and after a few minutes, Adam would follow.   So I went inside, found my mom at the kitchen table, and started chatting with her about the day.  She was so anxious and excited to hear the news. 

We had just started discussing whether or not we should do some shopping while we waited when Adam walked in the door.  My mom knew immediately.  She screamed, cried, and held us both in gigantic hugs. 

After we had celebrated a while, my mom informed me with a smile that she had already known.  She said she had been driving to the dog groomer earlier in the day when tears just started rolling down her face.  She knew then.  God has told her, placed in on her heart, that I was pregnant. 

It was such a gift to be able to celebrate with my precious parents.

After that, it was a whirlwind of phone calls.  I had been desperately trying to get hold of my brother at work, and Adam had been busy calling all of his family and filling them in.  Everyone was excited.  We felt so blessed and so loved. 

Recent Updates

On Monday, we were back up at OHSU at 7:30 to have everything confirmed with a second blood test.  They wanted to see my hormone levels rising appropriately, and just like last time, told us we’d get the news after 2PM.  

We were thrilled to find out that my hormone levels had risen from 144 on Thursday to 754 on Monday.  They were only looking to see a 60% increase from Thursday to Monday, and clearly, we exceeded that. 

Now we are anxiously anticipating 10AM on January 3^rd, when we will hear the heartbeat and see how many babies are currently in the oven.  We’re praying for two—that’s how many we put in, and that’s how many we want out!

The harvest

There are moments in life that literally take your breath away. Moments that you know, no matter what else happens in your life, you will never forget.

For me, the first was the day Adam proposed.  I can remember everything about that magical night, right down to the clothes I wore and the way he squeezed my hand extra hard as we made our way up to the lighthouse.

The next was our wedding day.  Nothing will ever match the feeling of JOY I felt as I stood before all our friends and family, in the sight of our Lord and Savior, and took vows and made promises to last my whole life through.   

And the latest?

Getting the phone call that we’ve been praying for and dreaming of for over a year and a half.   

We’re going to be parents. 

Oh the joy!!

Thank you for praying, for loving on us, and for feeling this right along with us.  We are so touched.  We ask now that you keep praying.  This feels so much like the finish line, but I’m only four weeks pregnant and these babies are just beginning their journey into our arms.  Please join us in covering them in our prayers—praying for their protection and continued health and safety.  We’re so in love.

We have scheduled our ultrasound to hear the heartbeat (and see how many babies we’ll be welcoming into our arms) on December 30^th. 

I have so much to say, so many feelings I want to express…but for now, I just want to give praise.

And this is my prayer in the harvest

When mercy and providence flow

I know I’m filled to be emptied again

The seed I’ve received I will sow

We are so thankful for the precious, precious gift we have been given.  God has entrusted us with a life.  It's humbling.  It brings us to our knees.

More to come....

Without futher ado....

.....I'd like to introduce you to my babies!!!

This will be the first photo in the baby books.  Miraculous.  If you blow the picture up and look right where the tip of the arrow is pointing, there is a tiny white dot....those are our babies!

Pregnancy test the week of Christmas.....no better present than THAT!

Please join us in covering our precious babies (inside the womb and out!) in PRAYER!

Forever Changed

We got the call.  We're parents.  I can't explain that joy.......

Here's the run down:

Of the 46 eggs they harvested from me yesterday, only 15 were mature.

I just have to pause here and give some praise.  46 eggs and 15 were mature.  Not 14, not 16, but exactly fifteen.  Fifteen was the maximum number of eggs we had agreed to inseminate based on what we believe and based on our commitment to each embryo as a baby.  What an awesome God we serve!! If only 20 eggs had been collected, as our doctor anticipated, we wouldn't have ended up with enough for insemination.  I thought 46 was overkill, but God knew the perfect number.  Thank you sweet Jesus.

Our doctor expected that if we inseminated 15, we might end up with around 8 that fertilized and became embryos, and when all was said and done, we'd take maybe two or three babies home from the hospital....and he thought that would be a generous estimate. That accounts for embryos that (just like in nature) will stop dividing and are no longer alive and growing, as well as those that are transferred but (just like in nature) never attach to the uterine wall.

So, when we got the call this morning that all fifteen had fertilized, I just about hit the floor.  That's a 100% success rate right there.

Shortly thereafter, were told that two of the embryos did not make it to culture.  That means that they did not survive to make it to their own little home-away-from-home for the next 48ish hours until the transfer.  We mourn the loss of those babies--our babies--and pray that God will envelop them back into His arms, since ours will never get to hold them.  I know that God's plan is perfect, and we simultaneously rejoice in the 13 that are now growing.  We are committed to each and every one of them.  Their shot at life is guaranteed, because we'll come back for them all.

And I'm a mom.  Adam is a dad.  Those are OUR babies--half of me, and half of the man I love.  They're ours, no matter what the outcome.  I've waited so long for this, and the feeling I have just knowing that they're there, waiting for me, brings me to my knees.  Nothing compares.  Nothing.  It's joy like I've never known.  God has been so faithful to us, and His hand ever-present in this whole process. Thank you Lord. 

Our most fervent prayer, for now and for always, is for our babies.  Please join us in praying God's protection over these sweet little ones that are now growing and waiting for their chance at life.  Some of them will wait longer than others, and we ask you to join us in praying that God will "gather the little lambs in His arms, and carry them close to His heart" as He promises to do in Isaiah 40:11.  They are precious to us, just as they are to God. 

Those are our babies.  All 13 of them.  And we are in love.

December 1, 2010

Happy Conception Day to my babies!!!  As I type this, there are baby Breitensteins growing and dividing and waiting for the chance to be born.  We are SO committed to giving it to them. I keep thinking about their little lives.....I am wholly, completely in love.  <3

Today went well.  God is SO faithful, and we continue to be in awe of his mercies that are ever new.   I woke up this morning with excitement and joy.  We felt your prayers just surrounding us, and we were both so at peace as the whole thing got underway.  Thank you.  We love our doctor, and know that God has placed him in our lives for a reason.  We also got to meet the lab doctor who will actually be making our babies--what a kind gentleman he was.  I shook his hand and told him to take good care of my precious little ones :)

Our doctor had expected to get 20 or so eggs to choose from, but when it was all said and done he ended up extracting a whopping 46.  The anesthesiologist said is the most she'd ever seen taken out of one person! Obviously, they aren't going to use all of those to create 46 embryos, but what it DOES mean is that they'll get to choose the very best ones to make our babies <3 We are expecting a call tomorrow telling us how many embryos fertilized, and then sometime between Saturday and Tuesday they will be transferred back to my baby-maker.  Amen and hallelujah!!

Right now, I'm lying in my comfy bed with my two four-legged babies sprawled out beside me.  My wonderful husband had been an absolute saint today, catering to my every whim and making sure I'm taking all my medications at the right time.  I feel good (admittedly due to some pretty sweet pain meds) but a little uncomfortable.  Because they took so many eggs, my doctor asked me to spend the day in bed to make sure I don't develop hyperstimulated ovaries.   At the moment, they kind of feel like beach balls with little spikes on the outside.  But, like I said, all is well in the world once I pop that pain pill :) A little loopy and a lot tired, but good.  And don't worry, I spell checked this three times to make sure you aren't a victim of my sloppy typing today :)

But I don't even care about all of that.  I'd do it over again in a heartbeat.  Why? 

Because Adam and I made babies today. 

Pre-Retrieval

Tomorrow, Adam and I are going in for the egg retrieval.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.

We have to be there at 7AM for check-in, and then the procedure itself will last from about 7:30-8:30AM.  I'll be under anesthesia, but not all the way under.  They call it "twilight"....your guess on what that means is as good as mine.

I won't describe exactly what will be happening during the procedure, but if you want to read about it, you can here.

Just as soon as they have my eggs, they'll take them into the lab and fertilize them using Adam's little swimmers.  On Thursday morning, we'll get a call to let us know how many eggs fertilized.

Please join us in praying God's protection over these newly formed lives--that they will make it through this initial stage and that God will give me the opportunity to have these babies grow inside of me.

Once we've gotten that call, we're just waiting until the baby embryos are ready to be transferred back to me.  The lab technicians will look at them the day after the retrieval to see how many have fertilized, but then won't look at them again until the morning of the 3rd day (Saturday).  When we leave tomorrow, we'll have an appointment for a Saturday morning transfer of babies, but when the doctors take a look at our babies Saturday morning, they may decide to push the transfer day back.  So, our transfer could fall anywhere between Saturday and Tuesday.

And then, it's just a waiting game.

We are SO close....

"He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young."

Isaiah 40:11

I heard this verse on the radio today, and it just stuck in my head all day long.  What a tender image of our God.  He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart.  

What a beautiful, beautiful message of love.  I'm holding onto that as I deal with my own uncertainty about what is to come.  I know my Savior is holding me close to His heart, carrying me in His arms. 

What more could I possibly ask for?

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 7

I am feeling very content.

On Thursday, we enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving at my parent's house.  We are so blessed to have such an amazing family to be thankful for, and our day was filled with laughter and the company of some of the most precious people in our life.  I ended the day with a full belly and an equally full heart.  Family is such a tremendous blessing. 

Although my mom did the major cooking, I did do my part.  This was my contribution to Thanksgiving dinner:

Yumm.  That is a pumpkin chocolate cake with a brown sugar/butter drizzle frosting topped with toffee crumbles.  And around the bottom, I made dessert "acorns" (donut holes, frosted and then rolled in toffee crumbles with a pretzel for the stem) just to make it look pretty.  And no, the leaves are not edible.  It was a delicious, but after dinner I dumped what was left of it.  No way I'm taking that thing home to munch on over the next few weeks...!

Yesterday, I did not do any Black Friday shopping.  I didn't go to a single store.  This is a first for me.  Instead, Adam and I were up in Portland having some blood work and another ultrasound done to check on my progress with the stimulation medications.  More about that later.

After that appointment, we encountered a little bit of traffic on the freeway trying to get back to Salem.  Why?  Because the Ducks were playing Arizona at Autzen at 4PM....which we were profoundly aware of because we had TICKETS!  My parents surprised us and my brother with tickets to the game, and we were stoked.  Adam jumped around like a little kid on Christmas morning (...don't tell him I said that!)

Ready to roll!  They were trying to do a "stripe out" at the game, so depending on the section you sat in, you were either supposed to wear black or yellow.  We were in a black section, but because it rained, it totally didn't work at all.  I ended up wearing a yellow poncho. The game was a blast, but we ended up having to leave early.  More on that later.

Today, after breakfast with my parents (a Saturday morning tradition that is very, very precious to me) I headed home to begin working on my latest master bedroom remodel project: sewing a duvet cover!!  This is big for me, considering I don't sew.  At all.  But after searching in vain for the exact color of duvet that I wanted, I finally decided that I could bite the bullet and make the darn thing myself.   I looked up a couple "how-to" guides online, and then headed out to find my fabric.  Because I'm cheap (and lazy) I didn't want to buy 15 yards of fabric, and instead decided to just buy a king sheet set in the color I wanted and then use the flat sheet as the top for my duvet.  This worked perfectly, as I found the exact color I wanted at Fred Meyers on super clearance.  I sang a little bit of the hallelujah chorus in the aisle when I found it.  Then, for the back, my mom graciously donated an old king flat sheet that she no longer uses.  And I was in business. 

Once I had the makings of my cover, I dusted off the sewing machine (that my mom gave me as a shower gift over 3 1/2 years ago..and has never once seen the light of day) and set up shop in my living room.  It took me over an hour to figure out how to thread the bobbin (and that included that combined brain power of both Adam and I...and the assistance of several YouTube video tutorials) and another hour or so to figure out how to get everything set up so that I could actually reach the foot pedal.  Not a great start.

However, today went quite well and I am proud to present to you our newest addition to the master bedroom:

I love it!  Do you like our headboard?  Those are closet doors, that we bought off craigslist for $20.  I painted and distressed them, and Adam hung them on the wall.  You may recall my original color scheme was peacock blue, gold and yellow.  Well, that's changed a bit.  I was so in love with the peacock blue, I decided I might as well include the rest of the bird.  So I added in apple green and various shades of blue/teal.    This is my new inspiration:

The bed isn't quite done yet--it needs more pillows to pick up a few more colors--but I love it so far.  I also have big plans for our end table next to the bed....

I'm also over my head in art projects for the walls.  Here's a little sneak peak of my latest project:

It's not done yet, but so far I'm excited about it.  Stay tuned

(click the link below for my in vitro update....it's exciting!!!)

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 6

Here I am in my living room—fire burning in the fireplace, dogs standing guard on my either side, my hubby’s arm around me as we anxiously peer out the window waiting for the forecasted snow to arrive—and I have to pause and smile.  

I am so blessed.  What an incredible life.

With Thanksgiving so close, it’s hard not to stop and take stock in all that God’s given us.  To praise Him for His faithfulness, for His love, and for His mercies that are new everyday.  

Going through this process has made me so keenly aware of the blessings that surround me; the gift of friendship, the incredible miracle of family, the beauty of Creation….the list is unending.  I’m in awe of the love of the Father, and how it is manifested in everything I see around me.   

And I am so thankful.

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 5

I’m going to start this week’s update with a confession.

This week, four friends and/or acquaintances announced that their families are expecting a new addition.  And, as much as I’m ashamed to admit it, my heart still clenches every single time I hear that news.  Along with the incredible joy I feel for these amazing families, there is also a selfish spot that wants to spend a few moments in mourning for myself, and for the family that we have yet to see grow.  I’m embarrassed that I still have those moments, because I know that I need to ditch the sense of entitlement. 

The fact of the matter is God doesn’t owe me anything.  As much as I’d like to think that I am, I’m not entitled to a baby simply because I want one.  I’m also not entitled because I try to be a good person, or because I love God, or because I know in my heart of hearts that I would be a good mom.  I’m not entitled because I’m unworthy of the blessing. 

When God chooses to bless us with the absolutely miraculous gift of life, He is entrusting us with one of His children.  Have you ever thought of it that way?! God is literally gifting us with the one thing He considers most precious on this earth.  He is trusting us to love on and nurture this miraculous little human so that it will grow to know Him, to walk with Him, and to light up a dark world with His love.   We are raising these babies for Him. 

W-O-W. What love the Father has for us, that He would choose to entrust us with a job so valuable! 

As much as my heart yearns for the day when God will deliver His miraculous little baby gift into our hands, I know that my prayer—now and always—needs to be this: Lord, teach me to walk with You by faith.

_________________________

Since I really don’t have that much new in vitro-wise to report, I’m going to make this a picture update to catch you all up on where we’ve been this week and what we’re working on.  Enjoy!

This week, I’ve been shopping.  Here are a few of the things/colors I’ve picked up for the new master bedroom. 

 Oooh, I love this color.  And yes, I realize I'm not showing you all of the picture; sorry, but I don't want to give away too much until the grand reveal!

That texture is heavenly!  And I'm loving the color more than you know.

This week we've also done some painting.  Adam worked on this....

and I worked on this....

Together, they look kind of like this.....

Yes, I distressed that, and yes, I'm way excited.  I'm not going to tell you why there is a blue door in our bedroom, either.  But I promise it's going to be amazing.  

And because they're cute, I'm going to add in a picture of what my dogs have been doing....

....watching us through the baby gate. 

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 4

This week, I've decided on a project that will get me through this process and give me an outlet for any anxiety that might come my way.  I've been told over and over again that staying relaxed is a very important part of this.  And I take doctor's orders very seriously. 

So.

What could be more relaxing than remodeling our master bedroom??  

I'm excited.

We bought our house two (three in March) years ago, and since that time, our master bedroom has sat in the same state of perpetual blah.  I never decided on a color scheme that I liked, I never hung pictures on the walls, I never really organized the furniture or bought anything that matched...it just never came together.

So clearly, this was the perfect project for me to tackle.

Now remodeling a bedroom can be very expensive, and that is definitely NOT the goal of this little adventure, especially considering what we are looking forward to (a baby...and I hear those things are expensive) so I made myself a few guidelines:

1. Nothing I buy will be over $20
2. Furniture will ONLY be bought on craigslist or garage sales, and not for more than $25 (yes, I gave myself a $5 limit increase...I mean, furniture can be expensive)
3. I'm going to become a do-it-yourself girl

Needless to say, I'm STOKED.  I'm already having a blast and I haven't even started yet.

So far, I've picked out a color scheme that I love:

Gold, various shades of yellow, brown and a peacock blue/teal.  I almost died when I saw this little combination.  Adam went with me today and we picked up color swatches at Lowes, so now I'm sporting my newest color inspirations in my purse so I can whip them out at a moment's notice.

I've also been stalking my favorite design blogs for inspiration, and have a small (huge) pile of pictures/projects printed out that I want to mimic in this redesign.  My favorite idea?  Our (future) headboard for the bed.  And no, I'm not telling.  Yet. 

My husband, who is incredibly supportive (even though I can tell he's not sure how these "creative" ideas of mine will turn out), graciously agreed to begin phase 1 of this project on Thursday: painting an accent wall.  I knew I picked a keeper :)

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 3

Today, I was offended.

I ran across a very insensitive comment by someone who clearly wanted me to know that they did not believe that in vitro is an acceptable way to start a family for a Christian woman who believes in the sanctity of life. 

My first inclination?  To give this person a piece of my mind.  To get angry, because I was angry.  Words started swirling in my head, oh the things I was going to say!  But even as my eyes began to gleam with the intensity of it all, God squashed the whole thing before it ever left my brain.  It was like He was saying, “Chill, Mandy.  Would you look through my eyes?  I love this person!  You are accountable to me, not anyone else.”

Ah, shoot.  He was right, and I deflated.

So I thought about it.  And the bottom line is I get it. 

Not everyone agrees with the in vitro process. There are a lot of potential concerns.  To answer them, we have worked with our team of doctors to implement constraints aimed at honoring each of our embryos as babies.   If we lose an embryo, we will mourn the loss of our baby. 

Even so, I get that this isn’t the path for everyone. 

But this is our path.  And what a tremendous opportunity we have been given to witness!!  Already, God has given us amazing opportunities for discussion with the doctors and nurses we are working with, and my prayer is that He will continue to do so.  God works in mysterious ways, and praise the Lord that He does.  If this is the road He has laid out in order to bring our babies into the world, then amen and hallelujah.

That being said, I want to offer up an invitation:  If you have questions for me about this process, I love a good discussion. 

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 2

Another week down!  A lot of exciting in vitro activity happened this week, and I can’t wait to share it with you!

Before I do, I want to talk about two things that I hear most often from people who are hearing our story for the first time.

1.   “Isn’t in vitro just as expensive as adoption?  Why don’t you just adopt??”

Yes, it’s true.  In vitro is very close in cost to an adoption.  And have we considered it?  Of course.  Have you considered adoption?  It’s a beautiful thing.  Adoption shouldn’t be reserved for those going through infertility struggles. 

And why don’t we “just” adopt?  I know I am going to be a mom.  I know that before the good Lord takes me from this earth, I will be blessed by the sound of little feet running in my home.  I believe that God has laid that promise on my heart, that He has given me a desire and a passion for children that will someday be manifested through my own.  I can’t wait for that day.  When or how I’ll get there, admittedly I don’t know.  I hope and pray that the path to those babies is in vitro, and that we’re zeroing in on a family of our own.  But if in vitro turns out not to be our path, then of course we will pursue other options.  Of course we will.  But before we’ll be able to do that, we’ll need to grieve not being able to have our own.  Why?  Because I long to see what half of Adam and half of me would look like.  Because I long to feel a baby kick inside me.  Because God has given me those desires (and I believe that!) and I know I can’t be fully committed to adoption until we have gone down this road and tried everything.  It wouldn’t be fair to our adoptive children if I was always thinking but what if..?  God would have to close this door and prepare my heart for a new journey—one into adoption—before Adam and I could set foot on that path.  Is it possible?  Of course it is.  But we’re just not there yet. 

2.   “Isn’t it a little bit soon to be going to in vitro?  You’ve only been trying for a year.”

True, we’ve only been trying for a year.  And I am very sensitive to this one, because I know there are a lot of people out there who have walked through the heartache of infertility for many more years than we have.  But, I also know that it’s different for everyone.  For many couples who have been trying for a number of years, their early years may not have been under the guidance of an RE (reproductive endocrinologist).  There are many hormonal therapies (read: fertility drugs) that can be prescribed by your PCP or an OB/GYN.  Many couples will work with one of those for a few years before seeking out the help of an RE. 

For Adam and I, we only saw our PCP for 6 months.  As soon as we realized that wasn’t working out, we went to OHSU and began seeing one of the best reproductive endocrinologists in the country.  And we worked with him for six more months; we ran the gauntlet of fertility workups, tried some fertility drugs, and monitored my insides by ultrasound each and every month.  We got a ton of information about my body and how I work.  I know more about my own anatomy now than ever before.  And we know there’s a problem.  And we know that it’s not going to work itself out.  We know that our path to parenthood is in vitro.  We feel blessed to have had that figured sooner rather than later.

I know that every person who asks these questions is coming from a place of good intention; infertility is a struggle you can’t fully understand until you experience it, and these types of questions are really only an expression of interest in the process and in the journey.  I know that, and I can answer them with a smile.  God has placed us on this path for a reason, and I can rest assured in that knowledge.  Adam and I feel such a peace that this is our path.  We know it’s not the path for everyone; but it is the path for us.

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 1

Okay, here's the plan: Every week for the next six (to eight-ish) weeks, I will do one post recapping everything we've done and experienced in the in vitro process.  Why?  Well first of all, I want to catalog this journey and freeze it in time as an important moment--for us as individuals, for our marriage, and for our family.

Two, because I know we're not the only couple who will ever walk down this road.  The most powerful moment in this journey for us came from the testimony of a couple we had never met, but who were willing to come alongside us and share their story. I know what a gift it was for us, and if this account of our own journey can have a similar impact on someone else, then God has worked his magic yet again. 

Most importantly, I'm writing it down because we absolutely believe this journey is one we are walking hand in hand with our Savior.  Part of stepping out in faith is being willing to open up our lives--the good, bad and the ugly--in an effort to point it all back to Him, and to celebrate the awesome plan He has for our family.  We hope you'll join us in this new, exciting journey.

That being said, I'm planning on being pretty open about the process.  I get that not everyone is interested in hearing the intimate details of my girl parts and the process of making an embryo.  And because I want to be sensitive to that, on the posts that detail the IVF process, I'll add a "read more" button so you can choose whether or not you want to read all the details.

And, coincidentally, this is the first entry to boast one of those bad boys.  So, read on if you dare.....

(PS:  If you're wondering why there are three different versions of the "read more" link on this post..then ditto.  I have no idea, but I promise they all link to the same thing. So click away)

And so it begins...

And it begins.  Start counting down now, folks, because in no more than 8 weeks from today we'll be taking a pregnancy test to see if we're getting new job descriptors: those of mom and dad

I have an appointment on Thursday and another next Tuesday.  That's the beginning of what will be a very full, very busy October and November as we rack up the miles between here and Portland.

Please pray for us, for this process, and for all the doctors and nurses we'll be coming in contact with at OHSU.  I can't wait to see how God will mold this process to fit His purposes, how He will guide and lead in ways I can't even yet imagine.  I want to be used.  Will you pray for God to use us in mighty ways, and that we may be ever-cognizant of the opportunties God has given us to speak for Him?

I'm excited.  I feel a little like Isaiah right now--I have seen the mighty holiness of my awesome God, and I'm calling out: 

Here I am, Lord!  Send me.  

To where or what end, I don't know.  But He does. 

Stay tuned.

Life in the Fast Lane

We're back.

We spent just a little over 3 hours up at OHSU meeting with various people who would be involved in this IVF process.  We met with our doctor, we talked to the IVF coordinator, and we hung out in the lab downstairs where they took five (FIVE) vials of my blood.  Please note: Adam only had to give two...and his vials made mine look like the Eiffel Tower. 

The only person we did not get to meet with was the financial counselor ($$$) because she was sick.  So, we had to leave without knowing just how much this process is going to cost.  Maybe, since she canceled on us, we'll get a discount.  Yes?  No.

All joking aside, we walked away committed and excited for all that is to come.  Before the meeting with our doctor, we asked God just to use us as a mouthpiece for Him, to mold our words and our actions to reflect who He is and who we are in Him.  We were so grateful for the chance to do that.

We shared exactly what we believe.  We laid it all out on the line.  We talked about how we believe every life is sacred, about how we believe life begins at conception, and how there will be no embryos discarded.  We made it clear there will be no aborted babies under the veil of 'selective reduction'.  We told our doctor we will consider every life we create to be wholly ours, a child waiting for a chance to be born.  We told him we'd never leave one behind (almost felt like a Marine when I dropped that line....sempre fi, do or die!!)

We shared it all.  And when we were done, our doctor just nodded.  He was absolutely respectful of what we had said, and absolutely on board. 

Basically, here's the bottom line that you've all been waiting for:  We are doing this. 

We're also doing this soon.  We had preliminary blood work done today before we left, after we got back into town I swung by my PCP and picked up some test results to fax up to OHSU, and the rest begins...next week.  If all goes according to schedule, the IVF process will be completed right before Thanksgiving, and we'll know if it was successful right around the first week of December.  If it works, we're looking at a baby (babies?) with an August 2011 birthday.  Reading that makes me giddy.  Will you start praying with us now for this process and for that baby?  Will you pray for the doctors and nurses that we come into contact with at OHSU? 

We feel so strongly that God is leading us down this path, that He is opening doors and clearing the way that He would have us walk.  We don't know why this path was chosen for us, but the farther along we go, the more we realize that maybe it's just not about us.  And let me tell you, that's an amazing feeling. 

Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours
Give me open hands and open doors
Put Your light in my eyes and let me see
That my own little world is not about me

Thank you, Matthew West, for putting my thoughts into song this morning: 

Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours
give me open hands and open doors
put Your light in my eyes and let me see
that my own little world is not about me

What if there's a bigger picture?
What if I’m missing out?
Show me there’s a greater purpose,
I could be living right now

This is our prayer for the day.  Show us the bigger picture, Lord.  Help me see how this life isn't about me.  

OHSU in t-minus 2.5 hours.  So excited.  Stay tuned...so much more to come

Distraction

....that's exactly what this is.

The game is on, and my beloved Ducks are choking on a big, fat Arizona Sun Devil pitchfork.  I need to take a step back from the TV, breathe, and remind myself that this is just a game.
[Side note: My intensity over Duck football makes gets my husband excited.  He just looked at me in that way.  Ladies, you know what I mean.  Secret guy turn-on: having your girl scream at the TV and fist pump.  Who knew?]

[Sidenote x2: Darrin just threw an interception.  And Arizona scored again. Can it be halftime yet?]

Anyway.

This week has been pretty amazing, in so many different ways.  We have so many reasons to be thankful, and too many blessings to count.

Those of you who pay careful attention to my facebook wall may have noticed that Adam and I are excited about an upcoming appointment at OHSU on Wednesday.  We are meeting with our potential team of baby-makers.  We can't wait to sit down with them and talk about who we are and what we believe.  We can't wait to learn more about this process.  We feel like we're standing on the 10 yard line, and now all we need is one beautiful throw lobbed into the end zone to seal the deal (excuse the football metaphor, it's on the brain.)

[Sidenote: Duck touchdown! 3 point game.  Get it boys, get it.]

Our appointment is at 9:00, and will start with an hour-long meeting with our doctor.  He'll tell us about the IVF process, and we'll lay out for him exactly what we're comfortable with.  We'll tell him that we believe life begins at the moment of conception.  We'll tell him that we believe every life is precious.  We'll tell him we're coming back for every single baby we create.  That they will all get a chance at life.  That we believe they are our babies just waiting to be born.  We'll tell him that, no matter what, every baby put inside of me will be carried to term.  Period.

After that meeting, we'll be joined by an IVF Coordinator and an IVF Financial Adviser.  The coordinator, should we choose to continue in this process, would become our point-person.  Our main contact at OHSU.  The financial adviser will tell us just how much money it's going to cost us to make these babies.  Boy do we ever have a praise regarding financing IVF.  That'll be a story for another time.

[TOUCHDOWN!!!!! Ducks take the lead!!!!!!  See, you don't even need to watch the game! I got your back ;)]

When we leave OHSU on Wednesday, we should have a much better idea of what the future will look like.  If all goes well, we could be doing an IVF cycle as soon as October.  October.  If it works, we'll have an August 2011 baby.

I don't want to count my ducks before they hatch (there we go again...Ducks on the brain), but I'd be lying to say it doesn't get me excited.  I trust that God has already set His master plan for Breitenstein babies in motion, and I like to talk to Him about how excited I am for Him to reveal it.  I love the excitement I feel as we get closer to the big reveal, and I bet He does too.


This week we had an amazing God moment.  We had the opportunity to meet with a couple who has been there and done that when it comes to IVF.   We had the opportunity to share our fears, to hear their story, and to be incredibly uplifted and encouraged by their wisdom and insight.  Their passion for God, and for this God-given science, spoke to our hearts.  We felt God's presence so strongly in that moment, and we left in absolute awe.  Near the end of our time together, this dear couple led us in prayer, and there was one part that made little tears well up in my eyes:

"Lord, we pray that five years down the road Adam and Mandy will be sitting at their kitchen table, with their babies asleep in their beds, sharing their journey with another young couple facing the same questions that they face now."

Amen, Lord.

Our meeting reminded me of this verse, because our time with this amazing couple reminded me of why God wants us to have good, solid Christian friends to share your walk with. 

“Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.” (Proverbs 19:20)

I believe that once you turn the reigns of your life over to God for Him to fully handle, He will make sure that you get matched up with the right kind of people that you can become true God-friends with.  As iron sharpens iron...

We can only hope that this week sparked a new friendship that will last far into the future, as we both watch our babies--present and future--grow into young men and women who love the Lord.   Let it be, let it be!

[Um...Ducks turned over the ball, almost let Arizona get a touchdown (my heart almost stopped), and then intercepted it.  And then went 3 and out. Arghhhhhh!]

After such an amazing week where we could so clearly see God's hand guiding and leading, I find myself energized and excited.  I can't wait to see all that is in store.

The only bummer?  I caught my first cold of the school year (inevitable), and as I write this, I have two kleenex stuck up my nose (nice mental image, yes?).  I've probably used a good 25 in the time it's taken me to write this.  I considered taking a picture of the pile of used tissues just to prove my point, but thought better of it at the last moment.  Good call?

Until next time, and GO DUCKS!!
[Sorry, but you'll just have to turn on the game to see if we can pull of this win.  I say...we CAN!]

Love, love, and more love,
- A&M

It's a God thing

God is doing some huge (HUGE) things in our life right now.  I stand in absolute awe of His grace and mercy.  Prayers are being answered, needs are being met. God is leading (in a big way, with bright neon lights....clearly He heard my cries for my own personal burning bush) and we are so excited to follow. 

More to come.

"Though sorrow may last for a night, JOY comes with the morning"

Psalms 30:5