Fears

I admit it, I'm afraid.

For the past week, I've really been struggling with my fears for these babies.  I find myself obsessing over questions like:  Are they okay?  Are they growing?  Why don't I have more symptoms?  Should I be more tired/bloated/nauseous? Why hasn't morning sickness started?  Why aren't my boobs sore? Shouldn't I need to pee more often? (and the big one) Are we going to miscarry??

If you could see my internet browsing history, you'd notice I've turned to Google on quite a few instances to calm my fears. 

And it just needs to stop.

Yesterday, all of this come to a head as I sat on my couch, drenching my husband's shoulder in hot tears, and cried out all of my fears for our babies.  We sat that way for a long time, Adam just listening.  And when my cries had finally dulled to a whimper, he looked at me, smiled, kissed my nose and said: Oh baby.  Hasn't God already taken us this far?  Hasn't he been faithful every step of the way? He's not going to abandon us now. 

I love that man. 

We sat and talked for a long time after that, both realizing we had the same fears, but also realizing that this isn't a journey we can walk alone.  And it was then that I realized some very important things:

1. I'll never stop worrying about these babies.  I'll never stop wanting what's best for them.  I'll never stop longing to protect and insulate them from all the pain and trial this world has to offer.  And I think that's okay.  But I also realized that all that worrying isn't going to do me a darn bit of good.  Because, let's face it--as much as I love them and want to insulate them....I can't.  There's nothing I can do.  I have to give them over, wholly and completely, to the One who knew them before He ever placed them in my womb.  I have to trust that He has already numbered all of their days, and I have to know, deep in my soul, that as much as I love them....it doesn't and never will compare to His love for them. 

Phew.  That's hard...but God's leading me through this one, and I'm determined to follow.

2. I need to stop assuming that my pregnancy will conform to what other people may experience.  I need to stop wishing for symptoms (lately, praying for morning sickness....I think that might be a sickness in itself) and neglecting to give thanks for God's faithfulness, and the easy ride I've had so far.   I need to remember that God has already given me so much to be grateful for--first and foremost, a pregnancy that we prayed for, dreamed of, and waited over a year to be blessed with--but also for two separate beta tests that revealed hCG levels that were not just present, but that were in the high range for normal.  And let's not forget that our due date is five years to the day after Adam proposed.  These things are not coincidences.  God knows what a worrier I can be, and I know He has given me all these signs to say look, little one, I'm here and I don't want you to be afraid.  Just trust me!  What a blessing, that in my weakness, He is strong....



So now, we wait.  And we trust.  Our first ultrasound is Monday morning, and at that appointment we'll be able to see the sac, the little tiny baby, and hear the heartbeat.  I'm still praying for two babies.  That's how many we put in, and that's how many we want out. 

Between now and then, Adam and I come to you again asking for your prayers.  First and foremost, for our babies.  We ask you to join us in praying God's protection over them as they develop and grow. 

But we also ask you to pray for us, as parents.  That we may learn, each day, to give up more of who we are in favor of who we are becoming in Christ.  We ask you to pray for peace, that we may feel it and know it deep in our soul, and for trust as we commit these precious, tiny lives to the Father. 

We still have a lot to learn, but the three of us (Adam, me, and our Savior) are going to keep walking this road together......one step at a time. 

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth."

Psalms 12:1-2