And I’m going to make a confession: sometimes, I like hearing it.
Sometimes, I struggle with booting my inner self off the throne of my life in favor of Someone greater. Sometimes, I like hearing other people tell me what a great writer I am, or what a strong faith I have, or how brave I am. Who doesn't love hearing nice things about themselves? As humans, we love to give ourselves the glory.
But it’s in those moments that I let myself forget what this is all about, I forget Who deserves all the glory, and I pat myself on the back.
Am I proud of that? No.
But I can admit that I have those moments devoted solely to the worship of me because I want you all to see me for who I really am.
I’m not a superhero. I don’t have an extraordinary faith. My life and my struggles are no different than yours; I’m no different than you.
So if you think I’m brave, you’re wrong.
Truth be told, I’ve always been something of an introvert.
If you knew me back in the day, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. In high school, I was tremendously shy. Giving a speech in front of the class terrified me, and I had a nervous habit of awkwardly shifting my weight from foot to foot whenever I had to do it. Ever since I can remember, I’ve hated calling people or talking to people on the phone. I never know what to say, and I hate awkward pauses. When I got my first car, I’d make my dad fill it up with gas because I was embarrassed to have to go to a gas station and talk to an attendant.
I’ve always been more comfortable writing than speaking.
And that brings us to this blog. Did you know I wrote the first entry months before I ever made the blog public? Yes siree I sure did. Why? Because I was terrified. I knew full well that I was opening up a very personal part of my life, and in doing so, would be subjecting myself to the judgment of cyberspace. I think I waited that month because I was still trying to decide if this was really something I wanted to do. And when I finally posted the link, it was because I knew it wasn’t something I necessary wanted to do, but rather, something God was calling me to do.
And so it began.
Little did I know back then what a blessing this blog would be to me. Little did I know how many people would rally around us, lift us up in prayer, and offer their love and words of encouragement. I thought God wanted to use this blog and our story as a ministry to others, but what I actually found was a ministry God wanted to give to me through all of you. I’ve been so humbled.
So that brings me full circle.
Am I brave? Not even close. Is my faith unshakable? No. I’m weak. I struggle with questions that I’ll never have the answers to (until I’m finally standing face to face with my Savior), and there are days when I can’t seem to find my way out of my own self-pity.
I’ve learned that faith isn’t some superhuman gift God bestows on a chosen few; rather, it’s a daily choice to shift your focus from the chaos around you to the One who controls it. Some days I do a better job making that choice than others; but I’m learning.
So why am I telling you all of this? Because I want you to know me. I don’t want to put up any pretenses or have you think I’m something I’m not. This is my story, this is my journey, but it’s not really mine. It can’t be, because it’s not about me. I can’t take the credit for any of it, because none of it comes from me. It can only be attributed to the living God, whose grace and mercy absolutely covers me from head to toe.
And I want to do a better job of pointing it all back to Him.
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