Lainey Rose: 1 Month

Well Miss. Lainey, this is the first letter I’ve ever written to you with you in the world!  Hard to believe I’m already sitting down to write your 1 month post.  Your first four weeks have been faster than any I’ve ever known.

Lainey Rose, you are precious.  Daddy and I look at you and see everything that we love the most in this world—there is so much of your big brother in that sweet face, and yet there are so many details that are simply yours alone.  You have the sweetest dimple on your left cheek that lights up your face when you smile. I melt every time I see it. Your eyes are a murky blue that seem to search us out wherever we are.  Your perfect fingers and toes are long and lean—piano fingers—and grasp onto mine with a gentle intensity that reminds me just how connected we are.  You and me.  Your skin is the color of honey, and so smooth.  Your pouty lips pucker when you’re asleep in my arms, and that sweet little nose is so perfectly shaped to fit onto your little round face.  You are just perfect.  Loving knit together by the Creator of the Universe.  Every details literally takes my breath away.  We are in awe of you, Lainey Rose.  I cannot stop staring at my beautiful baby girl, and each day the intensity of my love for you grows.    

Here’s what you’ve been up to this month:

·       Your big brother loves you!  The first thing he asks for when he gets up in the morning is his “La-ne? La-ne?”  He loves to go into your room and peek at you in your crib.  He’s a big helper when I change your diaper, he retrieves your binky and (shoves) it in your mouth (..and then takes it back out and puts it in HIS mouth) and he LOVES to pat your back and say “shhh” when you’re angry about something.  He also loves holding you.  The first time he held you, his eyes got so big and he was so very gentle with you in his arms.  As soon as I picked you up, his little eyebrows furrowed and he furiously patted his legs, exclaiming “SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!”  I think that was his way of saying he wasn’t done cuddling you yet ;) The relationship I already see you two development is absolutely precious to this mama, and I hope that you always share that special bond that can only exist between a brother and a sister. 

·       You are a great sleeper!  Since your very first day in the world, you’ve slept 4-5 hour stretches at night.  As of right now, your longest stretch is 6 hours and we wake you up to eat!  In your second month of life, we’ll start letting you sleep as long as you want.  Big brother slept through the night at 6 weeks…we’ll see what you’re planning!

·       You are a very content little girl.  In the early weeks of your life, you would show your unhappiness with a fussy little newborn cry that was so sorrowful that it broke mama’s heart.  But that didn’t last long, and these days we really don’t hear you cry much at all!  After I feed you, you love to be awake and looking around at everything around you.  I can set you on your play mat and you’ll lie there for 20 minutes or so—just kicking your little feet and waving your arms.  Blake usually gets down on the floor with you and talks to you.  It’s precious.  I need to go over to grandma and grandpa’s house to get a few more of our itty bitty baby toys out of their attic for you to play with. I think you’re almost ready!  You ALSO love to watch our ceiling fan in the living room go around and around. 

·       Today, you smiled for the very first time!  You had been sick with your very first cold, and after a long night daddy and I had you out in the living room for your morning nursing session. I had just finished feeding you and daddy was holding you—just talking to you and snuggling, and you were cooing back at him contentedly…when all of a sudden, you locked eyes with him, and gave him the SWEETEST grin complete with that precious little dimple. Daddy was so excited!!  I caught the whole thing from across the room and rushed over to see if you had a smile in there for mama too…but no such luck J  Already a daddy’s girl!

·       Along with your first smile, your first month also brought about the beginning of those sweet little baby coos.  You started cooing on your play mat a few days ago, and I caught a sweet video of it that I just love.  I was on the phone with daddy when you started, which was so special, because I was able to hold the phone down and let daddy hear you talk!  He loved it, and so did I!

·       In terms of your stats, you weigh 9 lbs 13 ounces, or just shy of 10 pounds, and were 21 inches long at your 2 week check up.  I’m not sure if you’ve grown more since then.  You’re wearing size 1 diapers (although we are using cloth diapers on that adorable little baby booty!) and 3 month clothes. I only had a chance to put you in newborn clothes for about a week!  Then we moved on to 0-3 month, but most of those have since been put away as well.  I’ve rotated in all your 3 month and some of your 3-6 month clothes.  You’re growing well, but it still amazes me that you are a full half pound less than your brother weighed at BIRTH.  I call you my peanut, but everyone is quick to remind me that you’re not a peanut…only when compared to your big brother J

·       You’ve met some very important people in your life this month, including all your grandparents, aunt and uncles, and sweet friends that are like family. Everyone adores you. 

·       Little lady, you’ve been to the doctor a lot this month!  We had to take you in several times in the first few weeks of your life to get your reflux under control.  Baby girl, your fountains of spit up were no joke.  I was just sure you couldn’t possibly be growing with everything that came back up after we were done nursing.  We started you on medication early, and just yesterday took you in to have your meds changed to hopefully see more of an improvement.  You’ve now had two doses of your new reflux meds, and we’ve been a HUGE improvement!!  We’re hopeful this will do the trick for you!  Even with the reflux issues, you’ve gained 8 ounces in 10 days, which keeps you solidly on your growth curve.  I’m just excited to see those fat rolls grow now that we’ve hopefully figured out how to keep more of that milk in your tummy!

·       You also had to go to the doctor this month for your very first cold.  This scared your mama more than I can say, to have my itty bitty 4 week old snotty and congested and struggling to breathe.  Just heartbreaking L  Daddy and I had been holding our breath for weeks, because daddy got sick the week you came home from the hospital and then Blake came down with a cold last week.  I even got a stuffy nose, which meant that 3 out of 4 of us had succumbed to the virus!  It was only a matter of time for you.  Luckily, you were the last to get sick, which gave you extra time to get that immune system working!  This is day two of your cold, and after giving us quite a few scares yesterday, today you are much happier and seem to be on the upswing!  Yahoo!

·       You take some great naps during the day.  You’ll generally cat nap in the car between 7-8 as we take daddy to work, and then you go down for your first real nap of the day between 10 and 10:15.  You’ll sleep for about two hours.  Then, after lunch you AND Blake will nap from about 1-3.  We pick up daddy from work at 4, and sometimes you’ll snooze in the car, and then it’s dinner and you go down for the night at 7.  Right now, we’re getting you up at 8:15 for a bath and then a final feeding before your bedtime at 8:30.  We’re thinking of switching that up a bit and moving your bath time up to around 7:30 so we can have you in bed by 8.  We’ll see!  So far, you seem to be very agreeable and very flexible as we tweak things in your schedule. 

Baby girl, I could go on and on about life with you, but really all you need to know is that you are loved every moment of every day.   You have been prayed for since long before you ever entered my womb, and we have loved the promise of you since God put that desire in our hearts many years ago.  Becoming your mama has been a journey I’ve been on my whole life, and it will take my whole life to complete it.  I pray every day that God will continue to mold me into the woman He intended me to be to raise you up into the woman He intended you to be.  You’re our bright light, Lainey girl, and more than that….you’re HIS bright light.  It’s the literal translation of your name, and it’s our most heartfelt prayer for your life.  Shine, sweet girl.  May nothing in this world ever put out the blazing light you were born with—the light that comes from being a daughter of the KING.  

We love you, Lainey Rose.  Our lives have been immeasurably blessed by the gift of you.  Here’s to your second month in the world!

Love always and forever,

Your Mama

Lainey Rose Breitenstein

Lainey has arrived!  Our precious baby girl was born on Friday, March 22nd at 4:48PM after nine hours of labor.  She weighed 8 pounds, 15 ounces and was 19 inches long.  Lainey looks exactly like her big brother did when he was born, and she has been the perfect addition to our family.  We already love her more than words can express!

Here is a slideshow I put together of her birth:

http://web.photodex.com/view/ap9m278

We are all doing well and adjusting to our new life as a family of four.  Big brother Blake has been so good with his little 'sisser' and my heart melts all over the floor when he points to her and say "Lanee!"

Precious moments.  Thank you Lord, for EVERY good thing!!

Lainey Love

My sweet Lainey-love,

This is my first official letter to you, although we’ve been getting to know each other quite intimately for the past nine months while you’ve been busy growing inside my tummy.   Now we’re only two days away from meeting face to face, and I cannot wait to see and touch the little baby whose every stretch, every hiccup, I’ve felt and experienced for the past nine months.  Do you have any idea how loved you are?

Your daddy, big brother and I have all been working hard to get ready to have you join our family.  Your brother Blake has been practicing saying your name, and he loves to sit in your bouncy seat and rock your swing back and forth.  He gives you hugs every night before bed and sometimes you give him a little kick just to say hello :)  He’s even been sleeping with your pink seahorse a few nights to get it ready for you! 

I was sitting in your room earlier today hanging up the last of your clothes, and as I fingered the soft lace on your Easter dress and adjusted the flower headbands waiting for your on your dresser, it hit me all at once that I’m about to have a baby girl.  There is something so very special about that bond between a mama and her daughter, and my sweet girl, I pray that there will never be a day in your life when you don’t feel that love.  I was created to be your mama, and you were created to be my baby girl.  I promise to never forget how special that is.  We were literally hand chosen for one another by the Creator of the Universe.  That’s an incredible love, and an even more incredible gift.

There are so many things I want you to know and so many pieces of wisdom I hope to impart to you throughout your life, but right now I just want to focus on the one that is most important.

Baby girl, from the beginning of time and from the moment you take your first breath, you were crowned a daughter of the King.  It is your birthright, and the most important title you will ever have.  I pray that you will wear that crown proudly, and that you will let it define you in all you do and say.  I pray that God will raise you up as a light in a world that all too often walks in darkness.  Your name, Lainey, literally means a bright light.  We know that this was the name God intended for you; His beautiful, precious little light. 

Daddy and I claimed John 10:10 for you as a life verse that we pray over you each and every day, even now.  “I have come so that you may have life; and have it more abundantly.”  That’s our deepest prayer for you, now and always.  We pray that you may always know abundant, full life in and through the Father of life.  I pray that you will learn to turn to Him when this life lets you down.  I pray that you will grow into a woman of Godly character, understanding that true beauty comes from a pure heart and not from worldly standards.   

Lainey love, I am already so proud to be your mama.  God has answered the cry of our hearts in delivering you into our family, and I know that His plan for your life is great.  I promise to love you with every piece of my heart.  I promise to work each day to be the mama that God intended me to be….for you, and for your big brother.  And I promise that my arms will always be there—to hold you when you’re sad, to squeeze you tight in a warm hug, and to applaud all of your many, many successes.  I promise to be there for it all, and to be the biggest cheerleader of your life.  

I love you sweet girl, and I cannot wait to meet you face to face.

Forever and Always,

Your Mama

Blake Louis: 19 Months

Well little man, you are officially 19 months old, and about to become a big brother!  Your little sister Lainey will be arriving in just three short days, which means your days as an only child are extremely numbered :)

Originally, I was only going to do yearly updates once you hit 12 months, but in the past seven months you have changed so much that I just have to catalog some of the memories.  I’m afraid if I wait until you’re two, the little boy standing in front of me will have already vanished and these special moments will be lost.

So, here’s my little snapshot of you at 19 months:

·    You have the most adorable scrunchy nosed smile, and use it to your full advantage.  If you get in trouble, you’ll just scrunch that nose up and grin at me…knowing full well how cute you are.  You also use that smile when we’re out and about and you’re flirting with people you meet.  You are just so adorable.  Everyone loves you, and everyone comments on how handsome you are.

·    Over the past few months you’ve really gotten into imaginative play!  You’ll sit with your cars on the floor and drive them all over—making sounds for them, having them interact with each other, the whole nine yards.  Your little voice when you’re playing pretend is just so precious to me. 

·    You love to read.  You pull books off your shelves and sit with the giant teddy bear Uncle Tony gave you while you read the books to yourself. You are so expressive with your voice and hand gestures as you read!  Your words are just gibberish, but it’s the most precious thing I have ever heard.  I was so excited to get a video of it a few months ago!

·    You are absolutely in love with Toby and Emma.  You climb all over them and get so excited when I tell you we’re going home to see them.  Emma is more tolerant of you than Toby, but that just seems to encourage you to chase/harass poor Toby even more. 

·    Little man, you have your daddy’s dance moves.  Your shake and wiggle those hips like there’s no tomorrow, and you have this funny little skip-walk/head bob you do when you’re especially happy or in a good mood.  So precious.  I also taught you how to raise the roof in the car, which you love, and I think is pretty hysterical.

·    You are very clean.  You hate to be dirty.  If you’re eating something messy, and it gets on your hands….well, hold the phone.  Your little world stops until you can get a napkin to clean yourself.   You love to help mommy dust, and have a broom at Grandma and Grandpa’s house that you push all around the house.  You’re also very very fond of the vacuum.  You’ll hold the cord for me and follow me around the house as I go.

·    When you do something exciting, or you’re proud of yourself, you clench your fists into tight little balls and wave them by your side while saying “whoa!”  

·    I used gel in your hair for the first time today, and when we got the bottle out I told you I was going to give you a faux-hawk.  Later that day, after you woke up from your nap, you came running to me with the bottle of hair gel asking for a “hock” over and over…but you replaced the ‘h’ with a ‘c’ and it was pretty funny.

·    For a long time you weren’t very verbal, but in the last month your vocabulary has really exploded! Here’s a list of what you can say (I’m sure I’ll leave something out!)

o    Mama/mommy

o    Dada/daddy

o    Lainey

o    baby

o    Grandma (sounds like ‘mama’)

o    Grandpa (sounds like ‘papa’)

o    Tony (sounds like TAW-nee or NAW-nee)

o    Uncle (sometimes)

o     No (this one gets its own bullet point below)

o    Yes (but you only nod your head for yes, you don’t say it)

o    Dog

o    Chip (you call chips ‘chippies” and it is the cutest thing)

o    Up

o    Down

o    Help

o    Hi

o    Bye bye

o    Cookie

o    Uh oh! (you always tell me this when your toys get stuck or something breaks)

o    Whoa!

o    Stuck

o    Seahorse (sounds like saORse when you say it…and if you don’t have him in the car you call for him over and over and over)

o    Water

o    Milk (you call it milk milk)

o    Sit down!  (This one cracks me up, because you must hear me say it to you a million times a day….when you’re climbing on the couch, or the train table, or a multitude of other places.  You will often tell Toby or Emma to sit down while you wag your little index finger at them.)

o    Ouch

o    Church

o    Oh well!

o    On

o    Off

o    Yucky (you love to find ‘yucky’ things on the ground to point out to us)

o    Bubble

o    Banana

·    By far, your favorite word right now is “no”.  Today, daddy called and I asked if you wanted to talk to him.  You looked at me, looked at the phone, and said “no!”  And when you say no, it’s in the sweetest little voice.  It sounds like no-OO with a smile and a sweet shake of the head.  So sweet.   Then later on the way home in the car, daddy asked if you were ready to meet your baby sister.  Your response?  “Uh, no!”  We laughed and laughed, and you thought you were pretty hilarious.  Lately you’ve been saying ‘oh no’ and ‘uh, no!’ (with some attitude) more often that just ‘no’.

·    Your ‘no’ isn’t always so sweet, because if Toby or Emma decide to go after your food or they’re doing something you think they shouldn’t, you’ll run after them wagging your finger saying “NO NO NO NO NO!”  You also like to tell mommy that when I ask you to do something (like lie down for a diaper change) that you definitely do not want to do. 

·    Your happy place is outside.  You love to be outside.  You follow daddy around the backyard, love to watch him work in the yard, and love going for walks and wagon rides.  I’m so excited that summer is coming, because that means we’ll get to spend a lot of time outdoors.  I know you’re excited!

·    You know most of your animal sounds and most of your body parts.  You love to honk mommy and daddy’s noses and have lately become fascinated with nails (mommy painted hers the other day and you thought it was the most interesting thing you’d ever seen)

·    After daddy gets home from work, the two of you will wrestle and play on the floor for hours.  Daddy tickles you and you just laugh and laugh.  I can’t wait to watch you two together every night.  It makes me so happy.

·     You have the most ridiculous fake laugh.  It’s deep and throaty and makes you sound like an old man.  You only do it when you think you’ve been pretty funny and want everyone to know it. 

·    You’ve gotten a little bit better with food, although you are still very picky.  You have learned what it means when I say “take a bite” and will eat bites of your dinner if I bribe you with something better to come.  Hey, I’ll take it!

·    We started time out with you, and in general you’ve gotten pretty good at minding us when we tell you to go there.  You just have to sit until you’re calm, and then come give hugs and say you’re sorry. 

·    In general, you are very well mannered and follow directions very well.  We always get compliments on how well behaved you are when we’re out and about…especially at restaurants!

·    You give the BEST hugs!  They melt my heart.

 

·    You do NOT like bedtime.  As soon as we start the bath water, you run from the room yelling “no no no no no!”  It goes downhill from there.  You refuse to read your bedtime stories because you know what’s coming next….and once we turn out the light, you cling to us like there’s no tomorrow.  It’s not the best part of our day, but we’re just keeping the routine the same and trying to stay consistent…hopefully you’ll move past this phase soon!

·     The carseat is also not your favorite place.  You whine and whine and whine everywhere we go.  You just cannot be confined right now.  I call you my tornado or ‘turbo’ because you are always moving.  I clean up one mess and you’ve already recreated it by the time I turn back around.  Busy, busy, busy!

I’m sure I’m forgetting so many little things, but my love, you are just the sweetest thing daddy and I have ever laid eyes on.  You’re so loving and sweet, and such a big helper!  We love you more than I could ever say.  I can’t wait for you to meet your sister and watch you in your new role as big brother.   I know God created you to be a big brother for this very little girl, and that just blows me away.  God has such big plans for you, little one.  I can't wait to watch them unfold from the front row. 

You and your sister are our greatest blessings.  Never forget that, and never forget that you are loved every moment of every single day. 

All my love, forever and always,

Your Mama

Are You there, God? It's me, Mandy

As I look back on 2012, there are a lot of emotions that I feel in my heart.   

Incredible joy. 

Abundant blessings.

Love. Unconditional love.

Gratitude.

My family has been the recipient of all of these and more over the course of the last year, and we emerge with a deep sense of thanksgiving for the blessings we have seen come to fruition in the past year.  God has been good to our family.  He has walked us through another year, weaving our every circumstance together to form a beautiful tapestry that I could never have knit together on my own.  He is faithful.

And yet I also look back at the year 2012 with a profound sense of the other side of those emotions.  Not every moment is rosy.  We lost a baby this year.  Dear friends said goodbye to loved ones.  Jobs were lost.  Homes were lost.  There were sorrowful moments.  Moments where my heart was literally on the floor.  27 lives were tragically taken in Connecticut.  Moments I literally sank to my knees is disbelief, wondering "Oh Lord....but why??"

This post has been on my heart for a while.  I don't think that question has been far from any of our mind's as we try and comprehend the type of horrific heartache that we have endured as a country, and in some cases, on a very personal level.

It's easy to let the pain of this world overtake us.  It's easy to feel like something has just gone wrong.

Lord have you forgotten us?  Can't you see what is happening down here?  

After Connecticut, I found myself wondering if there had been some sort of mistake.  Was it possible that these circumstances fell somewhere beyond the omnipotent reach of the Father? My heart told me no.  My knowledge of His nature told me no.  But why else would this have happened?  Surely God doesn't desire this.

I think that sometimes, we look at the darkness and forget that it flees in the presence of light. 

I read a blog post a few weeks back that I wish I could find, because I want to give proper credit to what I'm about to write.  I'm paraphrasing the words to some degree, because they resonated so deeply within me.  

I've talked a lot on here about God's panoramic verses our polaroid.  About how all we can see is moments.  That's all we can comprehend.  We literally can't see beyond our circumstances today.  That's human nature.  But God is not bound by the confines of humanity.  He sees eternity.  He sees the whole picture, He knows the pain of today while still being able to rejoice in the joy of tomorrow.  Of a thousand tomorrows. 

Where I see pain, heartache and death, God sees eternal life.  He sees this moment, the one that hurts and tears at my heart, and He reminds me with a whisper that He bled for this.  He died so that we would never have to.  So that the darkness of this world could not overtake us.

I see the pain of people I love.  Sometimes of people I don't even know.  I see unimaginable heartache.  God sees His precious children.  He sees their redemption.  He sees their souls, and He knows exactly how to reach them. 

The more I reflect on these truths, the more my own view starts to change.  He suffered first.  God sent his son to die a horrible death so that our pain would never be permanent.  So that this earth would never be more than a fleeting memory in an ocean of eternal joy.  That's powerful love.

God hasn't forgotten anything.  He tells oceans where to stop.  He commands the wind and the waves.  He tells evil just how far it can go. 

For every circumstance that tears at our hearts, for every tear we cry....He bled for those moments.  He knew they would come.  He is never passive in His approach to His children.  He never looks the other way.  His plan was always life.  He bled for it.
 
Sometimes God redeems us from hardship....and sometimes, he redeems us through hardship.

I think that view of God changes things. 

John 10:10 has become a battle cry for our family.  I used it earlier when I told the story of our twins, and it's been the verse on my heart for the year 2013.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; but I have come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly.

We live in a world where moments are stolen.  Where there is death and destruction and terrible, unimaginable heartache.  And those moments cannot be explained.  I'm never going to understand the why.  I'm never going to be okay with the pain.  But I can understand the redemption.  And I can understand that those stolen moments are just that....moments.  Moments that have already been bled for.  Moments that have already been named, and redeemed.  God is not weak.  He is not distant.  He is the Giver of life.  

Abundant life.  Eternal life.

This year I am choosing to live in abundance.  I know not every moment will be joyful.  I know not every circumstance will bring a smile to my face.  I don't know what hardships my family, or this country, or our world, might face.  But come what may, I am choosing abundant life in and through Jesus Christ.  Circumstances can never change that promise.  Circumstances can never change the eternal significance of who He is, and who we are in Him.  


Lord, help me to live a life that honors You.  A life that allows me to lift my eyes above circumstance and remember that every moment has already been named, and known, by Your mighty hand.  I know You are not passive.  I know Your plan is so much bigger than the moment I'm living in.  Remind me, Lord.  Remind me every single day that You bled for this.  I pray that reminder lights Your holy fire under my feet--to proclaim Your goodness louder, to love deeper, and to be a bold mouthpiece for Your name.  It's not about me.  It's about You, and Your incredible plan for life.  


 

   

The Twins

Everything about our second round of IVF was God-inspired.  Every moment, every injection, every appointment lead up to the moment God revealed the next piece of our puzzle; the next brush stroke in His incredible, masterful design for our family.

I've taken a long time to write the story, partly because the ending wasn't what my human heart would have wanted, and yet the beauty is in the design.  The perfect design.  And it's in those details that this story speaks to the incredible Hand of the Father.  And I can't leave that out.  From the beginning of this journey, we asked only to be His mouthpiece. 

We started the process in March of 2012.  We were hoping for a pregnancy sometime in the summer, but the prospect of adding to our family was so exciting to us that when I called to schedule the appointment (initially thinking of making an appointment in late May) I couldn't resist the first opening they had.

In an earlier blog, I had alluded to the fact that we had taken Blake up to meet our fertility team, and in fact, that was also the day we had our first meeting regarding IVF Round 2.   It was a relatively quick meeting, since this cycle would be different than the first in that our babies were already waiting for us.  The medications were much simpler, the process quicker. 

Adam and I had decided early on to keep this round of IVF quiet.  We told a close group of friends and family prayer warriors, but we made the decision to keep this leg of our journey private; as an intimate walk with our Savior that would give us the opportunity to lean in and respond through obedience.

This decision was very important for us because infertility is a thief.   It robs you of dreams.  It robs you of moments that other women take for granted.  Announcing a pregnancy. The elation you feel after peeing on a stick and seeing two lines. Even joyful intimacy with your husband free of external pressures or expectations.  It's a thief.

But our God is the Redeemer of heartache.  He is the Redeemer of all things that may feel broken or lost within us, and for me, this intimate walk with my Savior was about that redemption.

Keeping our IVF quiet was hard.  I loved the fellowship and support that we'd had the first time around, and I loved looking back on all the moments from that journey that I had shared and cataloged on this blog.  But I also knew that  I needed to be obedient, and I need to trust in wherever God would take us on this road.  I felt like the stakes were higher, in part, because these two babies were waiting for us.  These babies had literally been in our prayers, specifically, for almost an entire year.  I knew I needed to lean in.

The medicated cycle began in May.  I took Lupron to suppress my ovaries, and then Estrace (in varying amounts) to mimic the hormone changes that occur during the first half of a woman's cycle.  Near the end of the process, I began daily injections of progesterone in oil into the muscle (of my behind...I won't go into details there)

We transferred two absolutely perfect day 6 blasts on July 5.

The transfer itself was a beautiful moment.  We were blessed to have the same doctor, our doctor, perform both procedures in both of our IVF cycles.  He knows our family pretty intimately, and we love him dearly for the incredible role he has played in our lives.

The process of unfreezing these babies is tricky, and we had been praying continuously for their safety with anxious hearts.  When the babies were frozen in late 2011, the cells were basically dehydrated.  Freeze-dried, if you will.  This is a natural state that embryos take inside the body, as they travel down the fallopian tubes and enter into the uterus.  On transfer day, the embryo babies are rehydrated, and watched carefully as they expand.  This takes place about two hours before the scheduled transfer, and the hope is that they will be actively expanding by the time it takes place.  This is indicative of a healthy embryo ready to attach and result in a pregnancy.

Once we were checked in and ready for the procedure, the embryologist came in to give the report on our babies.  He told us that one of the embryos had rehydrated beautifully and was expanding and growing and looked absolutely perfect.  He told us the other had begun to expand, but at a much slower rate.  He wasn't sure what kind of odds that baby would have of growing and creating a pregnancy.  We have always been committed to our embryos as babies, and any expansion/cell growth to us is a living human life that is precious and sacred.  We wanted them both, and gave him instructions to prepare them both for the transfer.

After he left, we prayed for them one more time.

A few moments later, the doctor came in and we set up for the procedure.  The very last step in the process is for the embryologist to come in with the babies loaded into the tip of a long, hollow needle.  He hands it off to the doctor, who basically slingshots the babies into the uterus.  As the embryologist handed off the babies, he looked at us and said: "I think they must have been waiting for you--as soon as I was finished talking to you and went back to prepare them for transfer, they both started expanding and growing like crazy"

We cheered.  What a mighty God we serve.

The two week wait was hard.  With Blake, I waited the full two weeks and found out I was pregnant with the blood test administered at OHSU.  They told me not to take a home pregnancy test, and I didn't.  And I hadn't planned to do anything different this time around.

But then there was this thing called redemption.

For me, the harder decision would have been to not follow the rules and choose to take the test.  I was okay with waiting.  I liked that because the results were literally out of my hands.  Taking a home pregnancy test meant facing a huge source of disappointment and hurt, and in doing so, being prepared that the answer--like every time I'd ever taken one in the past--could be no.  I could pee on that stick and see only one line.  And then it would be over.  The hope.  It would be torture to go ahead with the blood test at OHSU knowing that it would show no pregnancy. 

It was at this point that I felt, really felt, the tender love of my Heavenly Father.  I could feel Him whispering to me that He wanted to take this.  He wanted to redeem that hurt.  My heart felt full in the knowledge that He cared, even about this seemingly insignificant hurdle, because He knew how much it had always mattered to me.  And it made me feel so incredibly loved.

I took a test one morning in our guest bathroom.  I hadn't told Adam. 

I remember sitting on top of the toilet, anxiously holding that test in my hands.  I would close my eyes, squeeze them shut, and then pop them open to see if the results had come up.  When the two lines appeared on the screen....my heart soared.  I cried.  I was filled with thanksgiving as I praised my Heavenly Father who knew me so intimately, and cared so deeply that He had taken and redeemed even that detail of my infertility.

I had the joy that morning of running into our bedroom, jumping on top of my sleeping husband, and excitedly waving a positive pregnancy test in his face.  It was the fulfillment of a dream.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

Amen.

From that point on, it was a countdown to our first ultrasound.  My blood tests at OHSU had yielded high levels of the pregnancy hormone, much higher than with Blake, so we were anxious and believing that it meant both babies had attached.  From the beginning, we told everyone about them.  That we were pregnant with twins.  Because I was.  We had seen two go in, and we had chosen--since the beginning--to be obedient to the call and believe in expectation that God would deliver our babies.  

He did.  That story I've already told, here and here.  Today I'm 27 weeks pregnant with one of those precious little ones, Lainey Rose Breitenstein.  The other beat us to paradise.  

I will forever cherish the weeks I spent pregnant with both my babies.  Those moments were an incredible gift from the Father.  

Sometimes, I let my mind wander into the future, when I'm walking down streets of gold holding the hands of all my babies--both the ones I met here on this earth and the ones who walk those streets today.  I am such a blessed mama.  This journey through infertility continues to teach me so much about the Father, and with each step, I'm more humbled and amazed with the depths of His love.  

So that's the story of our twins.   

One more puzzle piece falls into place.  This time, a lesson in redemption. 

From Blake

I realize I have a lot of ground to cover on this blog from the last few months....but right now, Blake has something to share :)