My Littlest Loves

My littlest loves,

Today was such a special day for daddy and I.  It was the day of our first ultrasound of the two of you.  We woke up today with such excitement!

When the doctor brought the image up on the ultrasound screen, right away I saw you.  My eyes instantly searched the screen for the sacs that I knew would mean twins, and my darlings, we sawyou. 

Both of you. 

I need you to know that in that moment my heart literally grew.  I felt it swelling with an incredible love that literally burst out of the confines of what had previously been known.  I exchanged excited smiles with daddy, because we knew.  We had seen the evidence of you on the screen, and already, your lives had changed ours.  

 Forever.

I hope that right now, you two are grown with sweet families of your own, and you’re reading this letter with a full understanding of the gift of life.  I hope that you’re thinking back to all the memories you have of growing up in our family; of baseball, soccer, and football games where daddy coached your team and I was your biggest fan on the sidelines--bringing baggies of orange slices and Capri Suns for your whole team.  I hope you’re remembering family vacations, road trips across the country where we had to make one too many bathroom breaks and I snapped hundreds of pictures of every single moment; so intent on capturing the memories.  I hope you’re remembering dinners around the table as a family, wrestling with dad on the living room floor, and splashing through the sprinklers in the backyard.  I hope you’re remembering Sundays spent at church, growing up with an incredible role model in your big brother (he’ll be the best, there is no doubt), and remembering how proud you have always made us.  I hope you’re remembering the joy that you have always brought to our family.  

I hope you're remembering a lifetime filled with love, and I hope you’re looking back now with a full understanding of the incredible grace of the Father, the giver of LIFE, who has filled both of yours with such incredible promise.

I hope you’re remembering those moments, because at THIS moment...we’re waiting on a miracle. 

Today, we saw you.  But today, we were also told that only one of you is expected to survive.  That only one of you is growing.  We only saw one heartbeat.

My loves, it’s hard for me to explain that emotion.  Daddy and I were physically watching on the screen where two heartbeats should have been…and yet, we only saw one.  My swelling heart burst; in sorrow for the heart that had yet to beat, and in joy for the beautiful melody of that one, steady, strong heartbeat.  It was a juxtaposition of emotions that cannot truly be captured in words, even now.  You had to be in that room.  You had to see the promise of two, and yet only hear the lifesong of one.

After the doctor left the room, I turned around on the exam table, took daddy’s hands in mine, and we prayed for you.  For you both.  With tears streaming down our faces, we praised our Mighty God for the incredible blessing of twins.  We thanked Him for entrusting your precious lives into our care.  And we lifted you up; praying for His arms to encircle you both.  To protect you in different ways.  To grow two strong, steady heartbeats where there was only one.  We asked that He would knit you together in the most perfect way; and that this March, he would safely deliver you both into our arms.   

We prayed for you, because today, I am pregnant with my precious twins…and we will never give up on either one of you.

Daddy and I don’t know what the future holds, but we do know that God's love for each one of you is perfect.  That He is lovingly knitting you together in my womb, and that His design is flawless. You are loved now, and You will be loved forever.  If our arms never hold you on this earth, then my heart will be upheld in the knowledge that in the very moment you leave my care…you enter into the waiting arms of the Father. 

It's a truly unfathomable love, and we are trusting you both into that most perfect love; into that most perfect care.

In a week, daddy and I will have another ultrasound.  We’re believing, with ever fiber of our being, that God will sustain both your lives.  We serve the God who moves mountains, who commands thewind and the waves, and who surely can accomplish this breath of life.  All glory to Him. He is still in the business of miracles, and what an incredible testimony your lives will be to His glory.  You are already changing hearts, my loves. 

We are so grateful for you, and our love for you knows no bounds.  We will fight for you.  I will carry you; it is the greatest joy and the most incredible privilege I have ever been given.  I will do the job well.  Once again, God has lavished on us His incredible grace. 

And His mercies are new every day. 

As you're reading this letter, I want you to remember that in this moment, daddy and I have chosen trust over fear.  I want you to remember that because, in your life, there will inevitably be moments when you have to make the same choice.  But loves, don't ever take your eye off the prize.  Off thelove that we know as believers and followers of Christ.  This world is imperfect; it's filled with heartache and hurt, and you will feel that.  But if God brings you to it, He is going to bring youthrough it.  In my life, the sweetest moments have been those when God has literally brought me to my knees to remind me how desperately I need Him.  Every single time, every single time, He has met me right there.  He has grown in me a spirit of dependence that I would have never known had He not given me a mountain to climb.  I challenge you now, my precious babies, to look at these trials as an opportunity to put feet to your faith.  To grow outside the confines of every day life and set your eyes firmly on the Creator of all things.  Allow Him to lead....and choose trust over fear.  Sometimes you have to choose it multiple times every single day.  Sometimes you have to dig deep, grasping onto the tiniest shreds of faith that you can find.  And that's okay.  Faith the size of a mustard seed, remember?  I tell you this because, already, your lives have given me yet another opportunity to fine tune my own walk with the Father.  To lean in, to listen, and to trust.   Your lives have transformed mine.  What incredible promise you two have.  What a blessed mama I am. 

You are so loved.  My arms ache already for the day when we will meet face to face.  Tonight I'll be on my knees thanking our Mighty God for my twins; for you two.  Fight hard.  We'll never give up on you.

All my love,
Your Mama