Are You there, God? It's me, Mandy

As I look back on 2012, there are a lot of emotions that I feel in my heart.   

Incredible joy. 

Abundant blessings.

Love. Unconditional love.

Gratitude.

My family has been the recipient of all of these and more over the course of the last year, and we emerge with a deep sense of thanksgiving for the blessings we have seen come to fruition in the past year.  God has been good to our family.  He has walked us through another year, weaving our every circumstance together to form a beautiful tapestry that I could never have knit together on my own.  He is faithful.

And yet I also look back at the year 2012 with a profound sense of the other side of those emotions.  Not every moment is rosy.  We lost a baby this year.  Dear friends said goodbye to loved ones.  Jobs were lost.  Homes were lost.  There were sorrowful moments.  Moments where my heart was literally on the floor.  27 lives were tragically taken in Connecticut.  Moments I literally sank to my knees is disbelief, wondering "Oh Lord....but why??"

This post has been on my heart for a while.  I don't think that question has been far from any of our mind's as we try and comprehend the type of horrific heartache that we have endured as a country, and in some cases, on a very personal level.

It's easy to let the pain of this world overtake us.  It's easy to feel like something has just gone wrong.

Lord have you forgotten us?  Can't you see what is happening down here?  

After Connecticut, I found myself wondering if there had been some sort of mistake.  Was it possible that these circumstances fell somewhere beyond the omnipotent reach of the Father? My heart told me no.  My knowledge of His nature told me no.  But why else would this have happened?  Surely God doesn't desire this.

I think that sometimes, we look at the darkness and forget that it flees in the presence of light. 

I read a blog post a few weeks back that I wish I could find, because I want to give proper credit to what I'm about to write.  I'm paraphrasing the words to some degree, because they resonated so deeply within me.  

I've talked a lot on here about God's panoramic verses our polaroid.  About how all we can see is moments.  That's all we can comprehend.  We literally can't see beyond our circumstances today.  That's human nature.  But God is not bound by the confines of humanity.  He sees eternity.  He sees the whole picture, He knows the pain of today while still being able to rejoice in the joy of tomorrow.  Of a thousand tomorrows. 

Where I see pain, heartache and death, God sees eternal life.  He sees this moment, the one that hurts and tears at my heart, and He reminds me with a whisper that He bled for this.  He died so that we would never have to.  So that the darkness of this world could not overtake us.

I see the pain of people I love.  Sometimes of people I don't even know.  I see unimaginable heartache.  God sees His precious children.  He sees their redemption.  He sees their souls, and He knows exactly how to reach them. 

The more I reflect on these truths, the more my own view starts to change.  He suffered first.  God sent his son to die a horrible death so that our pain would never be permanent.  So that this earth would never be more than a fleeting memory in an ocean of eternal joy.  That's powerful love.

God hasn't forgotten anything.  He tells oceans where to stop.  He commands the wind and the waves.  He tells evil just how far it can go. 

For every circumstance that tears at our hearts, for every tear we cry....He bled for those moments.  He knew they would come.  He is never passive in His approach to His children.  He never looks the other way.  His plan was always life.  He bled for it.
 
Sometimes God redeems us from hardship....and sometimes, he redeems us through hardship.

I think that view of God changes things. 

John 10:10 has become a battle cry for our family.  I used it earlier when I told the story of our twins, and it's been the verse on my heart for the year 2013.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; but I have come that you may have life, and have it more abundantly.

We live in a world where moments are stolen.  Where there is death and destruction and terrible, unimaginable heartache.  And those moments cannot be explained.  I'm never going to understand the why.  I'm never going to be okay with the pain.  But I can understand the redemption.  And I can understand that those stolen moments are just that....moments.  Moments that have already been bled for.  Moments that have already been named, and redeemed.  God is not weak.  He is not distant.  He is the Giver of life.  

Abundant life.  Eternal life.

This year I am choosing to live in abundance.  I know not every moment will be joyful.  I know not every circumstance will bring a smile to my face.  I don't know what hardships my family, or this country, or our world, might face.  But come what may, I am choosing abundant life in and through Jesus Christ.  Circumstances can never change that promise.  Circumstances can never change the eternal significance of who He is, and who we are in Him.  


Lord, help me to live a life that honors You.  A life that allows me to lift my eyes above circumstance and remember that every moment has already been named, and known, by Your mighty hand.  I know You are not passive.  I know Your plan is so much bigger than the moment I'm living in.  Remind me, Lord.  Remind me every single day that You bled for this.  I pray that reminder lights Your holy fire under my feet--to proclaim Your goodness louder, to love deeper, and to be a bold mouthpiece for Your name.  It's not about me.  It's about You, and Your incredible plan for life.  


 

   

The Twins

Everything about our second round of IVF was God-inspired.  Every moment, every injection, every appointment lead up to the moment God revealed the next piece of our puzzle; the next brush stroke in His incredible, masterful design for our family.

I've taken a long time to write the story, partly because the ending wasn't what my human heart would have wanted, and yet the beauty is in the design.  The perfect design.  And it's in those details that this story speaks to the incredible Hand of the Father.  And I can't leave that out.  From the beginning of this journey, we asked only to be His mouthpiece. 

We started the process in March of 2012.  We were hoping for a pregnancy sometime in the summer, but the prospect of adding to our family was so exciting to us that when I called to schedule the appointment (initially thinking of making an appointment in late May) I couldn't resist the first opening they had.

In an earlier blog, I had alluded to the fact that we had taken Blake up to meet our fertility team, and in fact, that was also the day we had our first meeting regarding IVF Round 2.   It was a relatively quick meeting, since this cycle would be different than the first in that our babies were already waiting for us.  The medications were much simpler, the process quicker. 

Adam and I had decided early on to keep this round of IVF quiet.  We told a close group of friends and family prayer warriors, but we made the decision to keep this leg of our journey private; as an intimate walk with our Savior that would give us the opportunity to lean in and respond through obedience.

This decision was very important for us because infertility is a thief.   It robs you of dreams.  It robs you of moments that other women take for granted.  Announcing a pregnancy. The elation you feel after peeing on a stick and seeing two lines. Even joyful intimacy with your husband free of external pressures or expectations.  It's a thief.

But our God is the Redeemer of heartache.  He is the Redeemer of all things that may feel broken or lost within us, and for me, this intimate walk with my Savior was about that redemption.

Keeping our IVF quiet was hard.  I loved the fellowship and support that we'd had the first time around, and I loved looking back on all the moments from that journey that I had shared and cataloged on this blog.  But I also knew that  I needed to be obedient, and I need to trust in wherever God would take us on this road.  I felt like the stakes were higher, in part, because these two babies were waiting for us.  These babies had literally been in our prayers, specifically, for almost an entire year.  I knew I needed to lean in.

The medicated cycle began in May.  I took Lupron to suppress my ovaries, and then Estrace (in varying amounts) to mimic the hormone changes that occur during the first half of a woman's cycle.  Near the end of the process, I began daily injections of progesterone in oil into the muscle (of my behind...I won't go into details there)

We transferred two absolutely perfect day 6 blasts on July 5.

The transfer itself was a beautiful moment.  We were blessed to have the same doctor, our doctor, perform both procedures in both of our IVF cycles.  He knows our family pretty intimately, and we love him dearly for the incredible role he has played in our lives.

The process of unfreezing these babies is tricky, and we had been praying continuously for their safety with anxious hearts.  When the babies were frozen in late 2011, the cells were basically dehydrated.  Freeze-dried, if you will.  This is a natural state that embryos take inside the body, as they travel down the fallopian tubes and enter into the uterus.  On transfer day, the embryo babies are rehydrated, and watched carefully as they expand.  This takes place about two hours before the scheduled transfer, and the hope is that they will be actively expanding by the time it takes place.  This is indicative of a healthy embryo ready to attach and result in a pregnancy.

Once we were checked in and ready for the procedure, the embryologist came in to give the report on our babies.  He told us that one of the embryos had rehydrated beautifully and was expanding and growing and looked absolutely perfect.  He told us the other had begun to expand, but at a much slower rate.  He wasn't sure what kind of odds that baby would have of growing and creating a pregnancy.  We have always been committed to our embryos as babies, and any expansion/cell growth to us is a living human life that is precious and sacred.  We wanted them both, and gave him instructions to prepare them both for the transfer.

After he left, we prayed for them one more time.

A few moments later, the doctor came in and we set up for the procedure.  The very last step in the process is for the embryologist to come in with the babies loaded into the tip of a long, hollow needle.  He hands it off to the doctor, who basically slingshots the babies into the uterus.  As the embryologist handed off the babies, he looked at us and said: "I think they must have been waiting for you--as soon as I was finished talking to you and went back to prepare them for transfer, they both started expanding and growing like crazy"

We cheered.  What a mighty God we serve.

The two week wait was hard.  With Blake, I waited the full two weeks and found out I was pregnant with the blood test administered at OHSU.  They told me not to take a home pregnancy test, and I didn't.  And I hadn't planned to do anything different this time around.

But then there was this thing called redemption.

For me, the harder decision would have been to not follow the rules and choose to take the test.  I was okay with waiting.  I liked that because the results were literally out of my hands.  Taking a home pregnancy test meant facing a huge source of disappointment and hurt, and in doing so, being prepared that the answer--like every time I'd ever taken one in the past--could be no.  I could pee on that stick and see only one line.  And then it would be over.  The hope.  It would be torture to go ahead with the blood test at OHSU knowing that it would show no pregnancy. 

It was at this point that I felt, really felt, the tender love of my Heavenly Father.  I could feel Him whispering to me that He wanted to take this.  He wanted to redeem that hurt.  My heart felt full in the knowledge that He cared, even about this seemingly insignificant hurdle, because He knew how much it had always mattered to me.  And it made me feel so incredibly loved.

I took a test one morning in our guest bathroom.  I hadn't told Adam. 

I remember sitting on top of the toilet, anxiously holding that test in my hands.  I would close my eyes, squeeze them shut, and then pop them open to see if the results had come up.  When the two lines appeared on the screen....my heart soared.  I cried.  I was filled with thanksgiving as I praised my Heavenly Father who knew me so intimately, and cared so deeply that He had taken and redeemed even that detail of my infertility.

I had the joy that morning of running into our bedroom, jumping on top of my sleeping husband, and excitedly waving a positive pregnancy test in his face.  It was the fulfillment of a dream.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; but I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

Amen.

From that point on, it was a countdown to our first ultrasound.  My blood tests at OHSU had yielded high levels of the pregnancy hormone, much higher than with Blake, so we were anxious and believing that it meant both babies had attached.  From the beginning, we told everyone about them.  That we were pregnant with twins.  Because I was.  We had seen two go in, and we had chosen--since the beginning--to be obedient to the call and believe in expectation that God would deliver our babies.  

He did.  That story I've already told, here and here.  Today I'm 27 weeks pregnant with one of those precious little ones, Lainey Rose Breitenstein.  The other beat us to paradise.  

I will forever cherish the weeks I spent pregnant with both my babies.  Those moments were an incredible gift from the Father.  

Sometimes, I let my mind wander into the future, when I'm walking down streets of gold holding the hands of all my babies--both the ones I met here on this earth and the ones who walk those streets today.  I am such a blessed mama.  This journey through infertility continues to teach me so much about the Father, and with each step, I'm more humbled and amazed with the depths of His love.  

So that's the story of our twins.   

One more puzzle piece falls into place.  This time, a lesson in redemption. 

From Blake

I realize I have a lot of ground to cover on this blog from the last few months....but right now, Blake has something to share :)

Blake Louis: ONE YEAR!

 Blake Louis Breitenstein, you are officially one year old!!! 

The morning of your birthday, daddy and I woke up remembering this same day one year ago as we prepared to check in the hospital and meet our brand new baby boy.  What a difference a year makes. We could never have known then how much joy you would bring into our lives.  We could have never comprehended the love that exists between a parent and a child.  I hope you have spent every single moment of this year feeling that.  We simply adore you, little boy, and this year has been the very best of our lives.

Here's what you've been up to:

·      You are 24.5 pounds and 31 inches long—big boy!  You’re still in the upper 90% for height and the lower 90% for weight. 

·      You are not such a great eater.  You still love bananas, but you refuse to try anything new and often all I can get you to eat in a day are bananas, yogurt, crackers, and maybe some toast.  Other foods you’ll sometimes eat include apples, pears (you love pears from Grandma and Grandpa’s backyard) and grilled cheese!  We try to get you to eat all kinds of other foods—I always make you a mini plate of whatever we’re eating—but so far, no luck.  You used to love avocados, but recently have been refusing them.  That was the ONLY vegetable I could get you to eat!!!  I’m thinking of buying some pureed baby food veggies to see if you’ll take those…you are such a texture kid, just like your mama!

·      You are saying ‘dada/daddy’ now, ‘look’ and ‘this’.  There are some other words we think you might be saying, but it’s hard to be sure.  You’ve said ‘dog’, ‘out’, and ‘up’ a few times…but not consistently.  I’m still waiting for you to say mama!!

·      You are WALKING!  This actually started at 13 months.  You took your first steps in Grandma and Grandpa’s backyard, going from Grandma to me.  After that, you would take about five steps on your own but usually wanted someone to hold your hand.  At first it was both hands, and then you went to one hand…and just tonight you walked down the street on our family walk all by yourself!  So proud of you baby boy :)

·      You are so funny.  You love to talk to us!  You squeal and scream and laugh at yourself and daddy and me.  You’re always busy saying something, and I just love having conversations with you.  I can’t wait for you to start saying even more words!

·      You’ve started having some separation anxiety in the nursery at church, and I’ve also noticed you’ve been a pretty big mama’s boy lately.  You don’t like it when I can’t hold you or play with you, and you do not like it when I have to make dinner and you can’t be right there with me.  I know it won’t last forever, and I’m not gonna lie….I sure do love how much you love me <3 span="span" style="mso-spacerun: yes;">  I love you right back, baby boy.

·      You still take two naps a day—one in the morning for about an hour, and one in the afternoon for about 1.5 hours.  You usually do so well with your naps!

·      I went back to work part-time last month teaching kindergarten, and you have been spending your mornings with Grandma!  You love your Grandma, and hate it when I go to pick you up.  You two have so much fun together, and I love seeing how much you love being with your grandparents.

·      Words you understand include: block, ball, outside, up, truck, daddy, mommy, grandma, grandpa…and more I’m sure I’m forgetting.  I think you are so smart when I tell you to go get your truck and you head right over and bring one back to me!

·      You have started to get your groove on—my little dancer boy!  You stand at your little activity table and ‘play’ the piano while you wiggle those hips and bob up and down!  Already taking after your daddy ;)

·      You hate diaper changes.  Hate them.  You scream and I’m pretty sure you think the world is ending.  Hopefully that’s a phase….or we can just potty train early! ;)

·      Since the last time I wrote, we found out that you’re going to be a big brother!  Your little brother or sister will be arriving in March, and we are so excited for you two to meet!  

·      You, my sweet baby boy, have learned the art of tantrum throwing.  You throw yourself on the floor and put your head on the ground while crying your little heart out.  There is just no consoling you.  I guess this is a preview of what is to come at age 2 (...truth be told....I think it's pretty darn cute and funny when you get so mad!)

Little man, you are a charmer.  You've charmed daddy and I with your silly and

sweet personality, and everyone who comes into contact with you instantly falls in

love.  My prayer, today and everyday, is that God will use your sweet heart to do

great things for His kingdom.  You are our little warrior, and just so precious in 

every single way.  I know that in the year ahead we'll see you grow and change far

beyond what we can even comprehend now, and I look forward to each of those

moments with such sweet anticipation.  It is my great honor to be your mama.  I've

never been given a greater blessing.  

Happy FIRST birthday, little love!  

Always and forever,

Your Mama

Powerful Prayer

I need to take a moment to thank you all for your prayers.  Today we found out that one of our precious twins has been ushered back home to Heaven.   Our hearts are heavy in the knowledge that our arms will not hold both babies on this earth, but we are overjoyed in the beauty of the single heart that is beating, strong and steady, inside of me.  It's a bittersweet emotion, but one that we are so grateful to have had the chance to experience.

One of my biggest fears in this moment is that even one of you will see this outcome as a failure.  That even one of you might think that God somehow didn’t hear, or chose not to answer, our prayerful pleas for the lives of our twins. 

That is truly my greatest fear, because it simply couldn’t be further from the truth.   

We serve a Mighty God, who loves us desperately and is mighty to save in our time of need.  He hears our calls, and he answers.  Always.   

You all joined us as we prayed God’s protection over these miracles.  You stood beside us as we stormed the gates of Heaven asking that these blessings be delivered safely into our arms.  That they be given life.  Well today, my sweet prayer warriors, God delivered.  My precious twins are safe.

It's not a secret that today’s outcome wasn’t what I had hoped for.  In my plan, I had dreamed of our life as a family of five.  I had given my whole heart to loving the miracles God had placed inside of me, and I wanted them both.  But God’s plan is greater than mine.  His vision for my life far exceeds what I can see or understand in the moment I’m living in.  And today, I am once again reminded of the sovereignty of the Father. I am reminded that His grace covers me at my weakest, and gives me the strength to rise again.   I am reminded that God can uses even the smallest life to accomplish great things for His kingdom, and I am humbled in the realization that He had chosen these babies to be His mighty warriors.  That their tiny lives matter to so many.  That they are so wholly loved, and that the baby we lost will forever be remembered.

I am absolutely in awe of our great God, who has already used their precious lives for His glory. He numbered their days long before they entered my womb, and each of their stories is already turning out to be so beautifully unique; so God-inspired. I couldn't be any more proud to be the only one on this earth that gets to be called their mama. 

And so today, our prayers were answered.  Today, my sweet Jesus protected my babies in wholly different, and yet wholly perfect, ways.  He did give them life.  Physical life for one, and eternal life for the other.  How can my heart be anything but overjoyed as I imagine my precious baby growing up on streets paved with gold, sitting on the lap of our mighty God, and never having to experience the troubles of this world?  Make no mistake, any tears that I cry are for me.  For my plans for that life that will never come to fruition on this earth.  They're not for that tiny baby, who at this very moment I just know is getting a gigantic bear hug from the Creator of the Universe in the throne room of Heaven.  What an awesome God we serve. 

Today I am grateful.  For answered prayers, and for a God who chose me to carry these precious twins.  Who allowed me to know them; to see and know each baby and to uplift my little ones in prayer.  It was my great honor.   

So please, do not for one moment give into the thought that somehow God didn't show up today.  He did.   And we are forever grateful. 

My Littlest Loves

My littlest loves,

Today was such a special day for daddy and I.  It was the day of our first ultrasound of the two of you.  We woke up today with such excitement!

When the doctor brought the image up on the ultrasound screen, right away I saw you.  My eyes instantly searched the screen for the sacs that I knew would mean twins, and my darlings, we sawyou. 

Both of you. 

I need you to know that in that moment my heart literally grew.  I felt it swelling with an incredible love that literally burst out of the confines of what had previously been known.  I exchanged excited smiles with daddy, because we knew.  We had seen the evidence of you on the screen, and already, your lives had changed ours.  

 Forever.

I hope that right now, you two are grown with sweet families of your own, and you’re reading this letter with a full understanding of the gift of life.  I hope that you’re thinking back to all the memories you have of growing up in our family; of baseball, soccer, and football games where daddy coached your team and I was your biggest fan on the sidelines--bringing baggies of orange slices and Capri Suns for your whole team.  I hope you’re remembering family vacations, road trips across the country where we had to make one too many bathroom breaks and I snapped hundreds of pictures of every single moment; so intent on capturing the memories.  I hope you’re remembering dinners around the table as a family, wrestling with dad on the living room floor, and splashing through the sprinklers in the backyard.  I hope you’re remembering Sundays spent at church, growing up with an incredible role model in your big brother (he’ll be the best, there is no doubt), and remembering how proud you have always made us.  I hope you’re remembering the joy that you have always brought to our family.  

I hope you're remembering a lifetime filled with love, and I hope you’re looking back now with a full understanding of the incredible grace of the Father, the giver of LIFE, who has filled both of yours with such incredible promise.

I hope you’re remembering those moments, because at THIS moment...we’re waiting on a miracle. 

Today, we saw you.  But today, we were also told that only one of you is expected to survive.  That only one of you is growing.  We only saw one heartbeat.

My loves, it’s hard for me to explain that emotion.  Daddy and I were physically watching on the screen where two heartbeats should have been…and yet, we only saw one.  My swelling heart burst; in sorrow for the heart that had yet to beat, and in joy for the beautiful melody of that one, steady, strong heartbeat.  It was a juxtaposition of emotions that cannot truly be captured in words, even now.  You had to be in that room.  You had to see the promise of two, and yet only hear the lifesong of one.

After the doctor left the room, I turned around on the exam table, took daddy’s hands in mine, and we prayed for you.  For you both.  With tears streaming down our faces, we praised our Mighty God for the incredible blessing of twins.  We thanked Him for entrusting your precious lives into our care.  And we lifted you up; praying for His arms to encircle you both.  To protect you in different ways.  To grow two strong, steady heartbeats where there was only one.  We asked that He would knit you together in the most perfect way; and that this March, he would safely deliver you both into our arms.   

We prayed for you, because today, I am pregnant with my precious twins…and we will never give up on either one of you.

Daddy and I don’t know what the future holds, but we do know that God's love for each one of you is perfect.  That He is lovingly knitting you together in my womb, and that His design is flawless. You are loved now, and You will be loved forever.  If our arms never hold you on this earth, then my heart will be upheld in the knowledge that in the very moment you leave my care…you enter into the waiting arms of the Father. 

It's a truly unfathomable love, and we are trusting you both into that most perfect love; into that most perfect care.

In a week, daddy and I will have another ultrasound.  We’re believing, with ever fiber of our being, that God will sustain both your lives.  We serve the God who moves mountains, who commands thewind and the waves, and who surely can accomplish this breath of life.  All glory to Him. He is still in the business of miracles, and what an incredible testimony your lives will be to His glory.  You are already changing hearts, my loves. 

We are so grateful for you, and our love for you knows no bounds.  We will fight for you.  I will carry you; it is the greatest joy and the most incredible privilege I have ever been given.  I will do the job well.  Once again, God has lavished on us His incredible grace. 

And His mercies are new every day. 

As you're reading this letter, I want you to remember that in this moment, daddy and I have chosen trust over fear.  I want you to remember that because, in your life, there will inevitably be moments when you have to make the same choice.  But loves, don't ever take your eye off the prize.  Off thelove that we know as believers and followers of Christ.  This world is imperfect; it's filled with heartache and hurt, and you will feel that.  But if God brings you to it, He is going to bring youthrough it.  In my life, the sweetest moments have been those when God has literally brought me to my knees to remind me how desperately I need Him.  Every single time, every single time, He has met me right there.  He has grown in me a spirit of dependence that I would have never known had He not given me a mountain to climb.  I challenge you now, my precious babies, to look at these trials as an opportunity to put feet to your faith.  To grow outside the confines of every day life and set your eyes firmly on the Creator of all things.  Allow Him to lead....and choose trust over fear.  Sometimes you have to choose it multiple times every single day.  Sometimes you have to dig deep, grasping onto the tiniest shreds of faith that you can find.  And that's okay.  Faith the size of a mustard seed, remember?  I tell you this because, already, your lives have given me yet another opportunity to fine tune my own walk with the Father.  To lean in, to listen, and to trust.   Your lives have transformed mine.  What incredible promise you two have.  What a blessed mama I am. 

You are so loved.  My arms ache already for the day when we will meet face to face.  Tonight I'll be on my knees thanking our Mighty God for my twins; for you two.  Fight hard.  We'll never give up on you.

All my love,
Your Mama

My littlest loves

 My littlest loves,

Today was such a special day for daddy and I.  It was the day of our first ultrasound of the two of you.  We woke up today with such excitement!

When the doctor brought the image up on the ultrasound screen, right away I saw you.  My eyes instantly searched the screen for the sacs that I knew would mean twins, and my darlings, we saw you. 

Both of you. 

I need you to know that in that moment my heart literally grew.  I felt it swelling with an incredible love that literally burst out of the confines of what had previously been known.  I exchanged excited smiles with daddy, because we knew.  We had seen the evidence of you on the screen, and already, your lives had changed ours.  

 Forever.

I hope that right now, you two are grown with sweet families of your own, and you’re reading this letter with a full understanding of the gift of life.  I hope that you’re thinking back to all the memories you have of growing up in our family; of baseball, soccer, and football games where daddy coached your team and I was your biggest fan on the sidelines--bringing baggies of orange slices and Capri Suns for your whole team.  I hope you’re remembering family vacations, road trips across the country where we had to make one too many bathroom breaks and I snapped hundreds of pictures of every single moment; so intent on capturing the memories.  I hope you’re remembering dinners around the table as a family, wrestling with dad on the living room floor, and splashing through the sprinklers in the backyard.  I hope you’re remembering Sundays spent at church, growing up with an incredible role model in your big brother (he’ll be the best, there is no doubt), and remembering how proud you have always made us.  I hope you’re remembering the joy that you have always brought to our family.  

I hope you're remembering a lifetime filled with love, and I hope you’re looking back now with a full understanding of the incredible grace of the Father, the giver of LIFE, who has filled both of yours with such incredible promise.

I hope you’re remembering those moments, because at THIS moment...we’re waiting on a miracle. 

Today, we saw you.  But today, we were also told that only one of you is expected to survive.  That only one of you is growing.  We only saw one heartbeat.

My loves, it’s hard for me to explain that emotion.  Daddy and I were physically watching on the screen where two heartbeats should have been…and yet, we only saw one.  My swelling heart burst; in sorrow for the heart that had yet to beat, and in joy for the beautiful melody of that one, steady, strong heartbeat.  It was a juxtaposition of emotions that cannot truly be captured in words, even now.  You had to be in that room.  You had to see the promise of two, and yet only hear the life song of one.

After the doctor left the room, I turned around on the exam table, took daddy’s hands in mine, and we prayed for you.  For you both.  With tears streaming down our faces, we praised our Mighty God for the incredible blessing of twins.  We thanked Him for entrusting your precious lives into our care.  And we lifted you up; praying for His arms to encircle you both.  To protect you in different ways.  To grow two strong, steady heartbeats where there was only one.  We asked that He would knit you together in the most perfect way; and that this March, he would safely deliver you both into our arms.   

We prayed for you, because today, I am pregnant with my precious twins…and we will never give up on either one of you.

Daddy and I don’t know what the future holds, but we do know that God's love for each one of you is perfect.  That He is lovingly knitting you together in my womb, and that His design is flawless.  You are loved now, and You will be loved forever.  If our arms never hold you on this earth, then my heart will be upheld in the knowledge that in the very moment you leave my care…you enter into the waiting arms of the Father. 

It's a truly unfathomable love, and we are trusting you both into that most perfect love; into that most perfect care.

In a week, daddy and I will have another ultrasound.  We’re believing, with ever fiber of our being, that God will sustain both your lives.  We serve the God who moves mountains, who commands the wind and the waves, and who surely can accomplish this breath of life.  All glory to Him. He is still in the business of miracles, and what an incredible testimony your lives will be to His glory.  You are already changing hearts, my loves. 

We are so grateful for you, and our love for you knows no bounds.  We will fight for you.  I will carry you; it is the greatest joy and the most incredible privilege I have ever been given.  I will do the job well.  Once again, God has lavished on us His incredible grace. 

And His mercies are new every day. 

As you're reading this letter, I want you to remember that in this moment, daddy and I have chosen trust over fear.  I want you to remember that because, in your life, there will inevitably be moments when you have to make the same choice.  But loves, don't ever take your eye off the prize.  Off the love that we know as believers and followers of Christ.  This world is imperfect; it's filled with heartache and hurt, and you will feel that.  But if God brings you to it, He is going to bring you through it.  In my life, the sweetest moments have been those when God has literally brought me to my knees to remind me how desperately I need Him.  Every single time, every single time, He has met me right there.  He has grown in me a spirit of dependence that I would have never known had He not given me a mountain to climb.  I challenge you now, my precious babies, to look at these trials as an opportunity to put feet to your faith.  To grow outside the confines of every day life and set your eyes firmly on the Creator of all things.  Allow Him to lead....and choose trust over fear.  Sometimes you have to choose it multiple times every single day.  Sometimes you have to dig deep, grasping onto the tiniest shreds of faith that you can find.  And that's okay.  Faith the size of a mustard seed, remember?  I tell you this because, already, your lives have given me yet another opportunity to fine tune my own walk with the Father.  To lean in, to listen, and to trust.   Your lives have transformed mine.  What incredible promise you two have.  What a blessed mama I am. 

You are so loved.  My arms ache already for the day when we will meet face to face.  Tonight I'll be on my knees thanking our Mighty God for my twins; for you two.  Fight hard.  We'll never give up on you.

All my love,

Your Mama