Powerful Prayer

I need to take a moment to thank you all for your prayers.  Today we found out that one of our precious twins has been ushered back home to Heaven.   Our hearts are heavy in the knowledge that our arms will not hold both babies on this earth, but we are overjoyed in the beauty of the single heart that is beating, strong and steady, inside of me.  It's a bittersweet emotion, but one that we are so grateful to have had the chance to experience.

One of my biggest fears in this moment is that even one of you will see this outcome as a failure.  That even one of you might think that God somehow didn’t hear, or chose not to answer, our prayerful pleas for the lives of our twins. 

That is truly my greatest fear, because it simply couldn’t be further from the truth.   

We serve a Mighty God, who loves us desperately and is mighty to save in our time of need.  He hears our calls, and he answers.  Always.   

You all joined us as we prayed God’s protection over these miracles.  You stood beside us as we stormed the gates of Heaven asking that these blessings be delivered safely into our arms.  That they be given life.  Well today, my sweet prayer warriors, God delivered.  My precious twins are safe.

It's not a secret that today’s outcome wasn’t what I had hoped for.  In my plan, I had dreamed of our life as a family of five.  I had given my whole heart to loving the miracles God had placed inside of me, and I wanted them both.  But God’s plan is greater than mine.  His vision for my life far exceeds what I can see or understand in the moment I’m living in.  And today, I am once again reminded of the sovereignty of the Father. I am reminded that His grace covers me at my weakest, and gives me the strength to rise again.   I am reminded that God can uses even the smallest life to accomplish great things for His kingdom, and I am humbled in the realization that He had chosen these babies to be His mighty warriors.  That their tiny lives matter to so many.  That they are so wholly loved, and that the baby we lost will forever be remembered.

I am absolutely in awe of our great God, who has already used their precious lives for His glory. He numbered their days long before they entered my womb, and each of their stories is already turning out to be so beautifully unique; so God-inspired. I couldn't be any more proud to be the only one on this earth that gets to be called their mama. 

And so today, our prayers were answered.  Today, my sweet Jesus protected my babies in wholly different, and yet wholly perfect, ways.  He did give them life.  Physical life for one, and eternal life for the other.  How can my heart be anything but overjoyed as I imagine my precious baby growing up on streets paved with gold, sitting on the lap of our mighty God, and never having to experience the troubles of this world?  Make no mistake, any tears that I cry are for me.  For my plans for that life that will never come to fruition on this earth.  They're not for that tiny baby, who at this very moment I just know is getting a gigantic bear hug from the Creator of the Universe in the throne room of Heaven.  What an awesome God we serve. 

Today I am grateful.  For answered prayers, and for a God who chose me to carry these precious twins.  Who allowed me to know them; to see and know each baby and to uplift my little ones in prayer.  It was my great honor.   

So please, do not for one moment give into the thought that somehow God didn't show up today.  He did.   And we are forever grateful. 

My Littlest Loves

My littlest loves,

Today was such a special day for daddy and I.  It was the day of our first ultrasound of the two of you.  We woke up today with such excitement!

When the doctor brought the image up on the ultrasound screen, right away I saw you.  My eyes instantly searched the screen for the sacs that I knew would mean twins, and my darlings, we sawyou. 

Both of you. 

I need you to know that in that moment my heart literally grew.  I felt it swelling with an incredible love that literally burst out of the confines of what had previously been known.  I exchanged excited smiles with daddy, because we knew.  We had seen the evidence of you on the screen, and already, your lives had changed ours.  

 Forever.

I hope that right now, you two are grown with sweet families of your own, and you’re reading this letter with a full understanding of the gift of life.  I hope that you’re thinking back to all the memories you have of growing up in our family; of baseball, soccer, and football games where daddy coached your team and I was your biggest fan on the sidelines--bringing baggies of orange slices and Capri Suns for your whole team.  I hope you’re remembering family vacations, road trips across the country where we had to make one too many bathroom breaks and I snapped hundreds of pictures of every single moment; so intent on capturing the memories.  I hope you’re remembering dinners around the table as a family, wrestling with dad on the living room floor, and splashing through the sprinklers in the backyard.  I hope you’re remembering Sundays spent at church, growing up with an incredible role model in your big brother (he’ll be the best, there is no doubt), and remembering how proud you have always made us.  I hope you’re remembering the joy that you have always brought to our family.  

I hope you're remembering a lifetime filled with love, and I hope you’re looking back now with a full understanding of the incredible grace of the Father, the giver of LIFE, who has filled both of yours with such incredible promise.

I hope you’re remembering those moments, because at THIS moment...we’re waiting on a miracle. 

Today, we saw you.  But today, we were also told that only one of you is expected to survive.  That only one of you is growing.  We only saw one heartbeat.

My loves, it’s hard for me to explain that emotion.  Daddy and I were physically watching on the screen where two heartbeats should have been…and yet, we only saw one.  My swelling heart burst; in sorrow for the heart that had yet to beat, and in joy for the beautiful melody of that one, steady, strong heartbeat.  It was a juxtaposition of emotions that cannot truly be captured in words, even now.  You had to be in that room.  You had to see the promise of two, and yet only hear the lifesong of one.

After the doctor left the room, I turned around on the exam table, took daddy’s hands in mine, and we prayed for you.  For you both.  With tears streaming down our faces, we praised our Mighty God for the incredible blessing of twins.  We thanked Him for entrusting your precious lives into our care.  And we lifted you up; praying for His arms to encircle you both.  To protect you in different ways.  To grow two strong, steady heartbeats where there was only one.  We asked that He would knit you together in the most perfect way; and that this March, he would safely deliver you both into our arms.   

We prayed for you, because today, I am pregnant with my precious twins…and we will never give up on either one of you.

Daddy and I don’t know what the future holds, but we do know that God's love for each one of you is perfect.  That He is lovingly knitting you together in my womb, and that His design is flawless. You are loved now, and You will be loved forever.  If our arms never hold you on this earth, then my heart will be upheld in the knowledge that in the very moment you leave my care…you enter into the waiting arms of the Father. 

It's a truly unfathomable love, and we are trusting you both into that most perfect love; into that most perfect care.

In a week, daddy and I will have another ultrasound.  We’re believing, with ever fiber of our being, that God will sustain both your lives.  We serve the God who moves mountains, who commands thewind and the waves, and who surely can accomplish this breath of life.  All glory to Him. He is still in the business of miracles, and what an incredible testimony your lives will be to His glory.  You are already changing hearts, my loves. 

We are so grateful for you, and our love for you knows no bounds.  We will fight for you.  I will carry you; it is the greatest joy and the most incredible privilege I have ever been given.  I will do the job well.  Once again, God has lavished on us His incredible grace. 

And His mercies are new every day. 

As you're reading this letter, I want you to remember that in this moment, daddy and I have chosen trust over fear.  I want you to remember that because, in your life, there will inevitably be moments when you have to make the same choice.  But loves, don't ever take your eye off the prize.  Off thelove that we know as believers and followers of Christ.  This world is imperfect; it's filled with heartache and hurt, and you will feel that.  But if God brings you to it, He is going to bring youthrough it.  In my life, the sweetest moments have been those when God has literally brought me to my knees to remind me how desperately I need Him.  Every single time, every single time, He has met me right there.  He has grown in me a spirit of dependence that I would have never known had He not given me a mountain to climb.  I challenge you now, my precious babies, to look at these trials as an opportunity to put feet to your faith.  To grow outside the confines of every day life and set your eyes firmly on the Creator of all things.  Allow Him to lead....and choose trust over fear.  Sometimes you have to choose it multiple times every single day.  Sometimes you have to dig deep, grasping onto the tiniest shreds of faith that you can find.  And that's okay.  Faith the size of a mustard seed, remember?  I tell you this because, already, your lives have given me yet another opportunity to fine tune my own walk with the Father.  To lean in, to listen, and to trust.   Your lives have transformed mine.  What incredible promise you two have.  What a blessed mama I am. 

You are so loved.  My arms ache already for the day when we will meet face to face.  Tonight I'll be on my knees thanking our Mighty God for my twins; for you two.  Fight hard.  We'll never give up on you.

All my love,
Your Mama

My littlest loves

 My littlest loves,

Today was such a special day for daddy and I.  It was the day of our first ultrasound of the two of you.  We woke up today with such excitement!

When the doctor brought the image up on the ultrasound screen, right away I saw you.  My eyes instantly searched the screen for the sacs that I knew would mean twins, and my darlings, we saw you. 

Both of you. 

I need you to know that in that moment my heart literally grew.  I felt it swelling with an incredible love that literally burst out of the confines of what had previously been known.  I exchanged excited smiles with daddy, because we knew.  We had seen the evidence of you on the screen, and already, your lives had changed ours.  

 Forever.

I hope that right now, you two are grown with sweet families of your own, and you’re reading this letter with a full understanding of the gift of life.  I hope that you’re thinking back to all the memories you have of growing up in our family; of baseball, soccer, and football games where daddy coached your team and I was your biggest fan on the sidelines--bringing baggies of orange slices and Capri Suns for your whole team.  I hope you’re remembering family vacations, road trips across the country where we had to make one too many bathroom breaks and I snapped hundreds of pictures of every single moment; so intent on capturing the memories.  I hope you’re remembering dinners around the table as a family, wrestling with dad on the living room floor, and splashing through the sprinklers in the backyard.  I hope you’re remembering Sundays spent at church, growing up with an incredible role model in your big brother (he’ll be the best, there is no doubt), and remembering how proud you have always made us.  I hope you’re remembering the joy that you have always brought to our family.  

I hope you're remembering a lifetime filled with love, and I hope you’re looking back now with a full understanding of the incredible grace of the Father, the giver of LIFE, who has filled both of yours with such incredible promise.

I hope you’re remembering those moments, because at THIS moment...we’re waiting on a miracle. 

Today, we saw you.  But today, we were also told that only one of you is expected to survive.  That only one of you is growing.  We only saw one heartbeat.

My loves, it’s hard for me to explain that emotion.  Daddy and I were physically watching on the screen where two heartbeats should have been…and yet, we only saw one.  My swelling heart burst; in sorrow for the heart that had yet to beat, and in joy for the beautiful melody of that one, steady, strong heartbeat.  It was a juxtaposition of emotions that cannot truly be captured in words, even now.  You had to be in that room.  You had to see the promise of two, and yet only hear the life song of one.

After the doctor left the room, I turned around on the exam table, took daddy’s hands in mine, and we prayed for you.  For you both.  With tears streaming down our faces, we praised our Mighty God for the incredible blessing of twins.  We thanked Him for entrusting your precious lives into our care.  And we lifted you up; praying for His arms to encircle you both.  To protect you in different ways.  To grow two strong, steady heartbeats where there was only one.  We asked that He would knit you together in the most perfect way; and that this March, he would safely deliver you both into our arms.   

We prayed for you, because today, I am pregnant with my precious twins…and we will never give up on either one of you.

Daddy and I don’t know what the future holds, but we do know that God's love for each one of you is perfect.  That He is lovingly knitting you together in my womb, and that His design is flawless.  You are loved now, and You will be loved forever.  If our arms never hold you on this earth, then my heart will be upheld in the knowledge that in the very moment you leave my care…you enter into the waiting arms of the Father. 

It's a truly unfathomable love, and we are trusting you both into that most perfect love; into that most perfect care.

In a week, daddy and I will have another ultrasound.  We’re believing, with ever fiber of our being, that God will sustain both your lives.  We serve the God who moves mountains, who commands the wind and the waves, and who surely can accomplish this breath of life.  All glory to Him. He is still in the business of miracles, and what an incredible testimony your lives will be to His glory.  You are already changing hearts, my loves. 

We are so grateful for you, and our love for you knows no bounds.  We will fight for you.  I will carry you; it is the greatest joy and the most incredible privilege I have ever been given.  I will do the job well.  Once again, God has lavished on us His incredible grace. 

And His mercies are new every day. 

As you're reading this letter, I want you to remember that in this moment, daddy and I have chosen trust over fear.  I want you to remember that because, in your life, there will inevitably be moments when you have to make the same choice.  But loves, don't ever take your eye off the prize.  Off the love that we know as believers and followers of Christ.  This world is imperfect; it's filled with heartache and hurt, and you will feel that.  But if God brings you to it, He is going to bring you through it.  In my life, the sweetest moments have been those when God has literally brought me to my knees to remind me how desperately I need Him.  Every single time, every single time, He has met me right there.  He has grown in me a spirit of dependence that I would have never known had He not given me a mountain to climb.  I challenge you now, my precious babies, to look at these trials as an opportunity to put feet to your faith.  To grow outside the confines of every day life and set your eyes firmly on the Creator of all things.  Allow Him to lead....and choose trust over fear.  Sometimes you have to choose it multiple times every single day.  Sometimes you have to dig deep, grasping onto the tiniest shreds of faith that you can find.  And that's okay.  Faith the size of a mustard seed, remember?  I tell you this because, already, your lives have given me yet another opportunity to fine tune my own walk with the Father.  To lean in, to listen, and to trust.   Your lives have transformed mine.  What incredible promise you two have.  What a blessed mama I am. 

You are so loved.  My arms ache already for the day when we will meet face to face.  Tonight I'll be on my knees thanking our Mighty God for my twins; for you two.  Fight hard.  We'll never give up on you.

All my love,

Your Mama

The one you don't want to miss...

Transformed

Well, I’ve been keeping a secret.

Back in this post, on March 16, Blake went on a very special adventure that I haven't shared with you....until now. 

That was the day that my little family made the very familiar trek up I-5 to a place where we had become very, very familiar over the past year.

We took Blake up to meet our doctor and team at OHSU Fertility.     

The significance of this event is almost unspeakable.  It was as if all the many months of trying; of ultrasounds, medications, consultations, and bad news had finally come full circle...this time, we had our son with us.  It was a moment we had dreamed of, and by the grace of God, we were now living that dream.  

And it was significant because I still remember.

I remember getting off the elevator on the 10^th floor for the very first time, rounding the corner and feeling my heart simultaneously clench and soar when I saw our destination; the Infertility Clinic. It made it so much more real.  We were here; and as much as I hated the reality of our path, I was also filled with so much hope that God had placed us in the place He wanted us.  My heart wanted to believe this would be a place of hope for our family. 

I remember sitting cautiously in the waiting room, searching the faces of the other women and wondering what their stories were.  I remember reading them carefully; studying their body movements, and seeing the familiar lines of fear; of pain.  I remember the unspoken connection between each one of us in that moment even though no words were spoken.  We were sojourners on a road no woman would ever choose to travel.     

I remember our first consultation. I remember sitting on the couch in the big corner office, ankles crossed, running nervous hands up and down my thighs.  I remember smiling reassuringly at Adam, even though it was the last thing I felt inside.  I remember the breath prayers, for healing, for clarity, and most of all, for answers.

And I remember clinging to Adam’s hand as we met the man who would play such an important role in our lives…and just maybe, the man whose life we would play an equally important role in.  Only by the grace of God.

But at the time, I didn’t realize that.

In the months that followed, Adam and I experienced the greatest transformation that God has orchestrated in our lives to date.  He used my infertility, and that clinic of doctors and nurses, to mold us and prepare us for the future He had been perfectly and patiently crafting.  For us. 

The future that included Blake. 

Our time spent at OHSU is precious to me.  Our doctor is precious to me.  God allowed our feet to travel the path of infertility not to harm us, but instead to grow in us a spirit of dependence and trust.  We learned to lean into the partnership that He created in Adam and I, how to enter into community with those He carefully placed in our path, and how to surrender our will to His.  We learned to be a mouthpiece for the love of the Father.  And we learned it all while walking alongside a team of committed doctors and nurses at OHSU.  He intermingled our paths for a purpose that, ultimately, only He knows.  I may never know the why until I find myself in the presence of my Savior on glistening streets of gold.  That’s a reality I’m okay with.  Because for now, in this lifetime and in this story, it was my honor and joy to have been used by the mighty hand of the Father. 

I need to know nothing else. 

And so to simply say that bringing Blake to this place of such God-inspired transformation was significant…well, that seems woefully inadequate. 

In fact, I think this day was the beginning of yet another transformation.

Blake Louis: Eleven Months

 My dear little love,

Yesterday, you turned eleven months old.  Yes, it’s true that in just one short month you will no longer be a baby and you will instead be a toddler. Oh how time flies.  I’ll never forget the way you fit in my arms that hot august night when we met for the first time.  I kissed your cheeks and introduced myself, telling you how much I loved you and relishing the feeling of your sweet body snuggled up close to mine.  I’ll never forget our first moments together, even though every moment since then has been equally incredible.  It must be you making life so sweet, little one :)

This has been a busy month in your life, little man, and here’s what you’ve been up to!

·      You are crawling!  Everywhere.  You crawled for the first time on June 27, it was a Wednesday night, and we were at the park where daddy and I had taken you after picking him up from work. We put you down on all fours in the grass, and you did not like the way the grass felt on your belly, so you held yourself there.  We tempted you to move forward by dangling mommy’s keys in front of you…and sure enough, off you went!  Since then, you have been unstoppable. 

·      You pull up on everything.  You love to explore! 

·      You are cruising on furniture and walking so well holding onto our hands.  You are more than capable of standing on your own, and can for a long time, but you usually get nervous and will reach for our hands to hold.  

·      You get into everything.  You love our cell phones, our computers (especially mommy’s iPad) and love chasing down whatever we have that you aren’t supposed to have.

·      You love to open and close things.  Lately, you are loving to close the door in your room whenever we’re in there with you.  Daddy and I have to be careful, because if we leave you in there playing for a second, you’ll crawl over and shut the door…then stand against it so we can’t get back in.  Tricky.  You also love to open and close the baby gates, and drawers/cupboards in the kitchen.

·      You are really starting to love playing with balls.  I’ve been working on the word “ball” with you—hoping both that you’ll learn what it means and you’ll learn how to say it.  I think you’re starting to figure out what a “ball” is, because when I tell you to go get one, you’ll often crawl right over and pick one up. 

·      Your favorite thing to do with a ball is throw it, and then chase after it, catch it, and then repeat!  So cute.  It entertains for you quite a while.  I just made a little ball pit for you out of a plastic baby pool in our playroom, and you just love to sit in there and throw balls all over the room.  I think it is so precious!

·      You are also a climber.  You try to climb on everything.  I caught you sitting on top of your toy chest one day, and you’ll also tried climbing on the lowest shelf of your bookcase.  Daddy and I recently bought you a little climbing toy with a slide, and you’re trying really hard to figure out how to climb up the little baby rock wall on it.

·      You talk all the time, and say lots of things that sound like words…but nothing with meaning yet.  I think you know ‘dog’ and will say it occasionally, but not too often.  We think you are very advanced because you often repeat letter sounds over and over.  You love the “shh” sound, the hard “t” sound, and lately it’s been the “g” and “k” sounds.  I really don’t know how you picked it up, but those are sounds that we teach beginning readers...so I am pretty impressed that you picked them up yourself at eleven months. Smarty pants :) You’ve also been saying ‘bababa’ this month, so maybe we’ll get a ‘dada’ soon.  Now, if I could just get you to say ‘mama’…

·      You can wave, but have just been too busy exploring everything around you to bother with that particular skill.  I don’t think I’ve really seen you do it this month. I’ve been trying to get you to clap, but you don’t like it when I do it for you…so I’m sure you’ll let me know when you’re ready to give it a try :) You are a stubborn little man, and you do things in your own time. 

·      This month, you started taking baths in the big tub!  You love it.  You love to splash, and you are fascinated by the faucet.  Daddy gives you a bath every night, and I love listening to the two of you.  You do not like getting out of the tub, or getting your diaper and jammies put on. 

·      We got you a new pool this month!  It is so fun, with a little slide and little water ‘sprinklers’ and a ring toy.  I think you like it, but it has to be used while attached to the hose, so the water is always cold.  When I first put you in, you cling to me and suck in your breath really fast.  So funny.

·      We took a weekend trip with grandma and grandpa and Uncle Tony this month.  We stayed in a big cabin right on the river, and we had lots of fun fishing, sitting out in the sun, visiting new towns, and just being with family.  You slept in your in mommy and daddy’s room, and did so great!

·      You celebrated your first Fourth of July with a trip to the zoo!  We were also celebrating grandma’s birthday, which is the day before.  You had so much fun!  This was your second trip, and I can’t wait for us to take you when you’re a bit older so you can really enjoy the animals!

·      This month, you’ve had lots of play dates with friends!  I just love seeing you interact with other kids.  You seem to do best when we’re at our house, because you’re the most comfortable here and will just take off and play.  When we go other places, you love to just observe.  And that’s okay!

·      You still love Toby and Emma.  You especially love to grab clumps of their hair, tug on their ears, or try and eat their paws.  You are fascinated by their nails.  They are so good with you, very tolerant, and will usually just let you have at it. We are working on the word “gentle”…haha!

·      You know the word “no” and will pause and look at me when I say it.  You usually stop and choose to do something else, too!  Such a good boy already!! 

·      You just love books!  Mama is so proud!! You love to crawl over and pull each book off your bookshelf, then plop yourself down and read them, turning the pages over and over.  You especially love lift-the-flap books!

·      You are the sweetest, most good-natured baby I have ever met!  Everywhere we go, people always tell us that, and how well behaved (and handsome, duh!) you are.  We agree.  You are just so happy all the time. 

·      You’re still wearing 18 month clothes, and I think you’re probably close to 24 pounds.  You have at least 10 teeth (just cut a canine and a molar, ouch!) and maybe two more trying to poke through.  You handle teething like a champ!!

·      You’re eating three meals a day, and there’s not much we withhold at this point.  You eat whatever we’ve got, and you either love it…or if you don’t, you’ll throw it onto the floor. You mastered drinking from a straw, which has opened up a whole new world of sharing mommy’s smoothies.  And I use the term ‘sharing’ very loosely…because you are more than a little demanding ;)  If I offer you a sip, I better be prepared to relinquish that drink real quick!  

Pretty amazing month, huh!  I could never have imagined how much you would change in those thirty days.  Grandma and I were talking today about how you are entering a stage of life where you are literally changing every single day.  It’s so true.  You are growing and exploring and learning right before our eyes, and watching you grow is the single greatest joy I have ever experienced.  Your joy bring me joy.  So much more joy than I could have ever anticipated.  I’m so thankful to be your mommy; it’s the best job I’ve ever been given and I am committed to being intentional with your moments.  I know I say it a lot, but your moments go by so fast and I’ll never get them back.  I know God created me to be here with you, in each of your moments, and I want to be aware of what a gift that is.  Not every mommy gets to snuggle their baby every single day.  I do.  You are an incredible blessing. 

Little man, I’m going to say what I say every month, because it never ceases to be absolute truth: you are loved.  Profoundly.  Completely.  Deeply and wholly. 

Don’t you ever forget it. 

Love you so much baby boy!  Next time I write, you will be ONE YEAR old!!! 

Love,

Your Mama 

Blake Louis: 10 Months

Blake Louis, you are ten months old today!  I can hardly believe it.  

Here’s what you’ve been up to:

My love, you are finally mobile!  More and more so every single day.  You started belly crawling shortly after you turned 9 months old, and while you still haven’t quite figured out the art of crawling on all fours…you are a fast belly crawler!  Gone are the days of plopping you down in one spot and having you stay there.  As soon as I sit you down, you’re looking for where you can take off to next.  You go seamlessly from sitting onto your belly, and then you take off in a hybrid army crawl/scoot/arm drag.  You use both your arms and legs and it’s so funny to watch!  You can almost go from your belly back to a seated position, but you get a little stuck about halfway up and will fall back over without a little help.  I usually just have to touch your elbow to remind you how to right yourself, so I know you’ll be doing it on your own in no time! 

You are an expert at pulling up!  You love to stand, and will pull up on anything and everything.  This morning you tried to pull up on the dishwasher while I was loading it, but that didn’t work out so well for you.  You were not very happy with the dishwasher after that little mishap.  

You wave ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ now!  Your wave is very exuberant, not just an opening and closing of your palm.  You use your whole arm and wave very, very excitedly! 

You give kisses and hugs!  Not all the time, but you know what they are and will give ‘em out when you’re in the mood J

Baby purees are no more.  You are officially eating whatever we eat.  Your favorite foods are avocados and bananas.  You easily eat two whole bananas a day, and a whole avocado (more if I gave it to you!).  

You’ve also developed quite an opinion on what you’re eating.  You’ll filter through what I put on your plate and very unceremoniously throw what you don’t want onto the floor.  You think it’s hilarious to do that, and then quickly hang over the side of your high chair to watch Emma devour whatever you dropped over the side.

You know the meaning of the word ‘no’ and love to play the cause and effect game with it.  You’ll do something that’s not allowed, I’ll say “uh oh, no thank you buddy” and then you’ll look at me….smile….and do it again.  I have to remind myself constantly to just be consistent with you so you’ll eventually catch on!

You drink 3 7 ounce bottles of formula a day, and lately, you’ve been doing it all on your own.  You love to hold that bottle.  Sometimes, if we’re out and about, I’ll give you your bottle in your car seat and let you take it from there.  Or, if we’re at home and I’m in the middle of something, I’ll lie you down on your back and you’ll feed yourself the bottle.  

You are an expert at sippy cups! We use the Take’N Toss brand, and we love it.  You first learned on those, but now that you’ve got it, we can use pretty much anything.   You drink water at mealtimes and usually have a sippy cup with you on the floor when you’re playing.  

You now eat three meals a day and have a snacktime.  You have learned to use those toddler snack cups where you have to stick your hand inside and pull out the treats!  You love doing this!

Cheerios are like baby crack to you.  We have all different kinds and you love them all.  We have banana nut, apple cinnamon, peanut butter (yes, I gave you peanut butter before your first birthday and, guess what! You’re not allergic) and whole grain.  

You are very, very talkative and lately your conversations sound more like real words.  You say ‘mom’ when you’re eating (not associating it with me though) and say ‘ish’ a lot.  You also have some letter sounds down, and say ‘shhh’ and ‘t’ really well.  And, well, you put those two sounds together the other day into what sounded suspiciously like ‘oh shit’.  You said it over and over and over.  Daddy and I were so surprised to hear that come out of your little mouth!!

You sleep through the night again!  We had to have a little bit of baby sleep boot camp last month, because you had gotten into a very bad habit of waking up every couple of hours wanting to be held.  Daddy and I love rocking you, but that sleep pattern just wasn’t sustainable for any of us!  It only took two nights of crying for twenty minutes (...while mommy sat anxiously outside your door praying for God to comfort that little baby heart) for you to figure out how to soothe yourself back to sleep.  Since then, you’ve slept straight through the night without a peep!  

Your naps have also been great!  You take one good nap in the morning that usually lasts about two hours, and then another one late in the day that ranges from 20-40 minutes.  We always read books together before naptime, and then I rock you to sleep.  I sing you ‘Jesus Loves Me’ and a song that your grandpa used to sing to me as a baby girl.

You still love Toby and Emma.  You squeal when they walk by and love to grab their fur and ‘talk’ to them.  They are pretty good sports!

You are so good at walking when we hold your hands!  You can also stand on own for long periods of time, although you’d much rather have our hands to hold.  I think you’ll walk before your first birthday! 

You love your daddy so much, and often will have roaring contests with him.  You’ll ball up your firsts and ROAR, and then daddy will do it back.  You giggle…and the cycle starts again!

You also love to growl at us when you want our full attention.  It is a very guttural sound, and your face gets all red like you’re pooping.  So funny. 

Little man, life with you has never been so sweet.  You give the best hugs, and will cuddle your face into the crook of my neck while letting out the most contented sigh.  Those moments are so precious to me.  You’ll just let me hold you tight in that hug for the longest time, and you don’t know it, but in my heart I am memorizing every last detail of how you fit so perfectly into my arms.  I never want to forget.

Earlier this month, I read the story of a little boy named Tucker who was just a bit older than you when Jesus called him home to live in heaven.  Right now, I imagine that Tucker is running around on streets of gold---in eyesight of his Savior--with a smile that, I’m sure, lights up the throne room.  His story has a happy ending, but when I read it, I was terrified.  For you.  I immediately pleaded with God to never ever take you from me like that.  Not you.  Not my little boy. 

But you know what, little one?  In that moment of absolute fear, I felt the gentle prodding of the Father, reminding my heart that the control I desperately seek He already has.  He’s always had it.  Nothing that happens in this life catches God by surprise.  He already knows. He’s already ordained every single one of your moments!  You’re the most precious gift I have ever received, but you’re His precious son, and He loves you more than I ever, ever could.  Sometimes that’s still hard for me to grasp, because I can’t fathom a love bigger than what I feel for you.  It literally steals my breath to imagine the incredible, all-encompassing love that the Father has for us.  How can I not relinquish my control to a love that big?   

When Tucker was born, his parents claimed a very special Bible verse for him:

"The Lord is with you, mighty warrior."

Judges 6:12 

I want to claim this verse for you now, in honor of Tucker’s life and in honor of my calling as your mommy.  I know that I can’t protect you a single day of your life, but I can do my very best to raise you up to be a warrior for Christ.  I can commit to being intentional with each of your moments, and commit to interceding every single day in prayer on your behalf. 

Your life is so full of promise, so full of unbridled potential, and my greatest prayer as your mama is that you will grow into a man who God proudly declares His mighty warrior.  My heart soars at the thought of who you will become.  I just know God has big things in store for His mighty warrior Blake.  

And someday, when the things of this earth are long gone and we are all united once again on those shimmering streets of gold, I pray that I will find my mighty warrior running alongside the little boy with the same life verse.  What a day that will be.  

I love you so much, Blake Louis.  Happy 10 months!

Love,

Your Mama