My littlest loves

 My littlest loves,

Today was such a special day for daddy and I.  It was the day of our first ultrasound of the two of you.  We woke up today with such excitement!

When the doctor brought the image up on the ultrasound screen, right away I saw you.  My eyes instantly searched the screen for the sacs that I knew would mean twins, and my darlings, we saw you. 

Both of you. 

I need you to know that in that moment my heart literally grew.  I felt it swelling with an incredible love that literally burst out of the confines of what had previously been known.  I exchanged excited smiles with daddy, because we knew.  We had seen the evidence of you on the screen, and already, your lives had changed ours.  

 Forever.

I hope that right now, you two are grown with sweet families of your own, and you’re reading this letter with a full understanding of the gift of life.  I hope that you’re thinking back to all the memories you have of growing up in our family; of baseball, soccer, and football games where daddy coached your team and I was your biggest fan on the sidelines--bringing baggies of orange slices and Capri Suns for your whole team.  I hope you’re remembering family vacations, road trips across the country where we had to make one too many bathroom breaks and I snapped hundreds of pictures of every single moment; so intent on capturing the memories.  I hope you’re remembering dinners around the table as a family, wrestling with dad on the living room floor, and splashing through the sprinklers in the backyard.  I hope you’re remembering Sundays spent at church, growing up with an incredible role model in your big brother (he’ll be the best, there is no doubt), and remembering how proud you have always made us.  I hope you’re remembering the joy that you have always brought to our family.  

I hope you're remembering a lifetime filled with love, and I hope you’re looking back now with a full understanding of the incredible grace of the Father, the giver of LIFE, who has filled both of yours with such incredible promise.

I hope you’re remembering those moments, because at THIS moment...we’re waiting on a miracle. 

Today, we saw you.  But today, we were also told that only one of you is expected to survive.  That only one of you is growing.  We only saw one heartbeat.

My loves, it’s hard for me to explain that emotion.  Daddy and I were physically watching on the screen where two heartbeats should have been…and yet, we only saw one.  My swelling heart burst; in sorrow for the heart that had yet to beat, and in joy for the beautiful melody of that one, steady, strong heartbeat.  It was a juxtaposition of emotions that cannot truly be captured in words, even now.  You had to be in that room.  You had to see the promise of two, and yet only hear the life song of one.

After the doctor left the room, I turned around on the exam table, took daddy’s hands in mine, and we prayed for you.  For you both.  With tears streaming down our faces, we praised our Mighty God for the incredible blessing of twins.  We thanked Him for entrusting your precious lives into our care.  And we lifted you up; praying for His arms to encircle you both.  To protect you in different ways.  To grow two strong, steady heartbeats where there was only one.  We asked that He would knit you together in the most perfect way; and that this March, he would safely deliver you both into our arms.   

We prayed for you, because today, I am pregnant with my precious twins…and we will never give up on either one of you.

Daddy and I don’t know what the future holds, but we do know that God's love for each one of you is perfect.  That He is lovingly knitting you together in my womb, and that His design is flawless.  You are loved now, and You will be loved forever.  If our arms never hold you on this earth, then my heart will be upheld in the knowledge that in the very moment you leave my care…you enter into the waiting arms of the Father. 

It's a truly unfathomable love, and we are trusting you both into that most perfect love; into that most perfect care.

In a week, daddy and I will have another ultrasound.  We’re believing, with ever fiber of our being, that God will sustain both your lives.  We serve the God who moves mountains, who commands the wind and the waves, and who surely can accomplish this breath of life.  All glory to Him. He is still in the business of miracles, and what an incredible testimony your lives will be to His glory.  You are already changing hearts, my loves. 

We are so grateful for you, and our love for you knows no bounds.  We will fight for you.  I will carry you; it is the greatest joy and the most incredible privilege I have ever been given.  I will do the job well.  Once again, God has lavished on us His incredible grace. 

And His mercies are new every day. 

As you're reading this letter, I want you to remember that in this moment, daddy and I have chosen trust over fear.  I want you to remember that because, in your life, there will inevitably be moments when you have to make the same choice.  But loves, don't ever take your eye off the prize.  Off the love that we know as believers and followers of Christ.  This world is imperfect; it's filled with heartache and hurt, and you will feel that.  But if God brings you to it, He is going to bring you through it.  In my life, the sweetest moments have been those when God has literally brought me to my knees to remind me how desperately I need Him.  Every single time, every single time, He has met me right there.  He has grown in me a spirit of dependence that I would have never known had He not given me a mountain to climb.  I challenge you now, my precious babies, to look at these trials as an opportunity to put feet to your faith.  To grow outside the confines of every day life and set your eyes firmly on the Creator of all things.  Allow Him to lead....and choose trust over fear.  Sometimes you have to choose it multiple times every single day.  Sometimes you have to dig deep, grasping onto the tiniest shreds of faith that you can find.  And that's okay.  Faith the size of a mustard seed, remember?  I tell you this because, already, your lives have given me yet another opportunity to fine tune my own walk with the Father.  To lean in, to listen, and to trust.   Your lives have transformed mine.  What incredible promise you two have.  What a blessed mama I am. 

You are so loved.  My arms ache already for the day when we will meet face to face.  Tonight I'll be on my knees thanking our Mighty God for my twins; for you two.  Fight hard.  We'll never give up on you.

All my love,

Your Mama

The one you don't want to miss...

Transformed

Well, I’ve been keeping a secret.

Back in this post, on March 16, Blake went on a very special adventure that I haven't shared with you....until now. 

That was the day that my little family made the very familiar trek up I-5 to a place where we had become very, very familiar over the past year.

We took Blake up to meet our doctor and team at OHSU Fertility.     

The significance of this event is almost unspeakable.  It was as if all the many months of trying; of ultrasounds, medications, consultations, and bad news had finally come full circle...this time, we had our son with us.  It was a moment we had dreamed of, and by the grace of God, we were now living that dream.  

And it was significant because I still remember.

I remember getting off the elevator on the 10^th floor for the very first time, rounding the corner and feeling my heart simultaneously clench and soar when I saw our destination; the Infertility Clinic. It made it so much more real.  We were here; and as much as I hated the reality of our path, I was also filled with so much hope that God had placed us in the place He wanted us.  My heart wanted to believe this would be a place of hope for our family. 

I remember sitting cautiously in the waiting room, searching the faces of the other women and wondering what their stories were.  I remember reading them carefully; studying their body movements, and seeing the familiar lines of fear; of pain.  I remember the unspoken connection between each one of us in that moment even though no words were spoken.  We were sojourners on a road no woman would ever choose to travel.     

I remember our first consultation. I remember sitting on the couch in the big corner office, ankles crossed, running nervous hands up and down my thighs.  I remember smiling reassuringly at Adam, even though it was the last thing I felt inside.  I remember the breath prayers, for healing, for clarity, and most of all, for answers.

And I remember clinging to Adam’s hand as we met the man who would play such an important role in our lives…and just maybe, the man whose life we would play an equally important role in.  Only by the grace of God.

But at the time, I didn’t realize that.

In the months that followed, Adam and I experienced the greatest transformation that God has orchestrated in our lives to date.  He used my infertility, and that clinic of doctors and nurses, to mold us and prepare us for the future He had been perfectly and patiently crafting.  For us. 

The future that included Blake. 

Our time spent at OHSU is precious to me.  Our doctor is precious to me.  God allowed our feet to travel the path of infertility not to harm us, but instead to grow in us a spirit of dependence and trust.  We learned to lean into the partnership that He created in Adam and I, how to enter into community with those He carefully placed in our path, and how to surrender our will to His.  We learned to be a mouthpiece for the love of the Father.  And we learned it all while walking alongside a team of committed doctors and nurses at OHSU.  He intermingled our paths for a purpose that, ultimately, only He knows.  I may never know the why until I find myself in the presence of my Savior on glistening streets of gold.  That’s a reality I’m okay with.  Because for now, in this lifetime and in this story, it was my honor and joy to have been used by the mighty hand of the Father. 

I need to know nothing else. 

And so to simply say that bringing Blake to this place of such God-inspired transformation was significant…well, that seems woefully inadequate. 

In fact, I think this day was the beginning of yet another transformation.

Blake Louis: Eleven Months

 My dear little love,

Yesterday, you turned eleven months old.  Yes, it’s true that in just one short month you will no longer be a baby and you will instead be a toddler. Oh how time flies.  I’ll never forget the way you fit in my arms that hot august night when we met for the first time.  I kissed your cheeks and introduced myself, telling you how much I loved you and relishing the feeling of your sweet body snuggled up close to mine.  I’ll never forget our first moments together, even though every moment since then has been equally incredible.  It must be you making life so sweet, little one :)

This has been a busy month in your life, little man, and here’s what you’ve been up to!

·      You are crawling!  Everywhere.  You crawled for the first time on June 27, it was a Wednesday night, and we were at the park where daddy and I had taken you after picking him up from work. We put you down on all fours in the grass, and you did not like the way the grass felt on your belly, so you held yourself there.  We tempted you to move forward by dangling mommy’s keys in front of you…and sure enough, off you went!  Since then, you have been unstoppable. 

·      You pull up on everything.  You love to explore! 

·      You are cruising on furniture and walking so well holding onto our hands.  You are more than capable of standing on your own, and can for a long time, but you usually get nervous and will reach for our hands to hold.  

·      You get into everything.  You love our cell phones, our computers (especially mommy’s iPad) and love chasing down whatever we have that you aren’t supposed to have.

·      You love to open and close things.  Lately, you are loving to close the door in your room whenever we’re in there with you.  Daddy and I have to be careful, because if we leave you in there playing for a second, you’ll crawl over and shut the door…then stand against it so we can’t get back in.  Tricky.  You also love to open and close the baby gates, and drawers/cupboards in the kitchen.

·      You are really starting to love playing with balls.  I’ve been working on the word “ball” with you—hoping both that you’ll learn what it means and you’ll learn how to say it.  I think you’re starting to figure out what a “ball” is, because when I tell you to go get one, you’ll often crawl right over and pick one up. 

·      Your favorite thing to do with a ball is throw it, and then chase after it, catch it, and then repeat!  So cute.  It entertains for you quite a while.  I just made a little ball pit for you out of a plastic baby pool in our playroom, and you just love to sit in there and throw balls all over the room.  I think it is so precious!

·      You are also a climber.  You try to climb on everything.  I caught you sitting on top of your toy chest one day, and you’ll also tried climbing on the lowest shelf of your bookcase.  Daddy and I recently bought you a little climbing toy with a slide, and you’re trying really hard to figure out how to climb up the little baby rock wall on it.

·      You talk all the time, and say lots of things that sound like words…but nothing with meaning yet.  I think you know ‘dog’ and will say it occasionally, but not too often.  We think you are very advanced because you often repeat letter sounds over and over.  You love the “shh” sound, the hard “t” sound, and lately it’s been the “g” and “k” sounds.  I really don’t know how you picked it up, but those are sounds that we teach beginning readers...so I am pretty impressed that you picked them up yourself at eleven months. Smarty pants :) You’ve also been saying ‘bababa’ this month, so maybe we’ll get a ‘dada’ soon.  Now, if I could just get you to say ‘mama’…

·      You can wave, but have just been too busy exploring everything around you to bother with that particular skill.  I don’t think I’ve really seen you do it this month. I’ve been trying to get you to clap, but you don’t like it when I do it for you…so I’m sure you’ll let me know when you’re ready to give it a try :) You are a stubborn little man, and you do things in your own time. 

·      This month, you started taking baths in the big tub!  You love it.  You love to splash, and you are fascinated by the faucet.  Daddy gives you a bath every night, and I love listening to the two of you.  You do not like getting out of the tub, or getting your diaper and jammies put on. 

·      We got you a new pool this month!  It is so fun, with a little slide and little water ‘sprinklers’ and a ring toy.  I think you like it, but it has to be used while attached to the hose, so the water is always cold.  When I first put you in, you cling to me and suck in your breath really fast.  So funny.

·      We took a weekend trip with grandma and grandpa and Uncle Tony this month.  We stayed in a big cabin right on the river, and we had lots of fun fishing, sitting out in the sun, visiting new towns, and just being with family.  You slept in your in mommy and daddy’s room, and did so great!

·      You celebrated your first Fourth of July with a trip to the zoo!  We were also celebrating grandma’s birthday, which is the day before.  You had so much fun!  This was your second trip, and I can’t wait for us to take you when you’re a bit older so you can really enjoy the animals!

·      This month, you’ve had lots of play dates with friends!  I just love seeing you interact with other kids.  You seem to do best when we’re at our house, because you’re the most comfortable here and will just take off and play.  When we go other places, you love to just observe.  And that’s okay!

·      You still love Toby and Emma.  You especially love to grab clumps of their hair, tug on their ears, or try and eat their paws.  You are fascinated by their nails.  They are so good with you, very tolerant, and will usually just let you have at it. We are working on the word “gentle”…haha!

·      You know the word “no” and will pause and look at me when I say it.  You usually stop and choose to do something else, too!  Such a good boy already!! 

·      You just love books!  Mama is so proud!! You love to crawl over and pull each book off your bookshelf, then plop yourself down and read them, turning the pages over and over.  You especially love lift-the-flap books!

·      You are the sweetest, most good-natured baby I have ever met!  Everywhere we go, people always tell us that, and how well behaved (and handsome, duh!) you are.  We agree.  You are just so happy all the time. 

·      You’re still wearing 18 month clothes, and I think you’re probably close to 24 pounds.  You have at least 10 teeth (just cut a canine and a molar, ouch!) and maybe two more trying to poke through.  You handle teething like a champ!!

·      You’re eating three meals a day, and there’s not much we withhold at this point.  You eat whatever we’ve got, and you either love it…or if you don’t, you’ll throw it onto the floor. You mastered drinking from a straw, which has opened up a whole new world of sharing mommy’s smoothies.  And I use the term ‘sharing’ very loosely…because you are more than a little demanding ;)  If I offer you a sip, I better be prepared to relinquish that drink real quick!  

Pretty amazing month, huh!  I could never have imagined how much you would change in those thirty days.  Grandma and I were talking today about how you are entering a stage of life where you are literally changing every single day.  It’s so true.  You are growing and exploring and learning right before our eyes, and watching you grow is the single greatest joy I have ever experienced.  Your joy bring me joy.  So much more joy than I could have ever anticipated.  I’m so thankful to be your mommy; it’s the best job I’ve ever been given and I am committed to being intentional with your moments.  I know I say it a lot, but your moments go by so fast and I’ll never get them back.  I know God created me to be here with you, in each of your moments, and I want to be aware of what a gift that is.  Not every mommy gets to snuggle their baby every single day.  I do.  You are an incredible blessing. 

Little man, I’m going to say what I say every month, because it never ceases to be absolute truth: you are loved.  Profoundly.  Completely.  Deeply and wholly. 

Don’t you ever forget it. 

Love you so much baby boy!  Next time I write, you will be ONE YEAR old!!! 

Love,

Your Mama 

Blake Louis: 10 Months

Blake Louis, you are ten months old today!  I can hardly believe it.  

Here’s what you’ve been up to:

My love, you are finally mobile!  More and more so every single day.  You started belly crawling shortly after you turned 9 months old, and while you still haven’t quite figured out the art of crawling on all fours…you are a fast belly crawler!  Gone are the days of plopping you down in one spot and having you stay there.  As soon as I sit you down, you’re looking for where you can take off to next.  You go seamlessly from sitting onto your belly, and then you take off in a hybrid army crawl/scoot/arm drag.  You use both your arms and legs and it’s so funny to watch!  You can almost go from your belly back to a seated position, but you get a little stuck about halfway up and will fall back over without a little help.  I usually just have to touch your elbow to remind you how to right yourself, so I know you’ll be doing it on your own in no time! 

You are an expert at pulling up!  You love to stand, and will pull up on anything and everything.  This morning you tried to pull up on the dishwasher while I was loading it, but that didn’t work out so well for you.  You were not very happy with the dishwasher after that little mishap.  

You wave ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ now!  Your wave is very exuberant, not just an opening and closing of your palm.  You use your whole arm and wave very, very excitedly! 

You give kisses and hugs!  Not all the time, but you know what they are and will give ‘em out when you’re in the mood J

Baby purees are no more.  You are officially eating whatever we eat.  Your favorite foods are avocados and bananas.  You easily eat two whole bananas a day, and a whole avocado (more if I gave it to you!).  

You’ve also developed quite an opinion on what you’re eating.  You’ll filter through what I put on your plate and very unceremoniously throw what you don’t want onto the floor.  You think it’s hilarious to do that, and then quickly hang over the side of your high chair to watch Emma devour whatever you dropped over the side.

You know the meaning of the word ‘no’ and love to play the cause and effect game with it.  You’ll do something that’s not allowed, I’ll say “uh oh, no thank you buddy” and then you’ll look at me….smile….and do it again.  I have to remind myself constantly to just be consistent with you so you’ll eventually catch on!

You drink 3 7 ounce bottles of formula a day, and lately, you’ve been doing it all on your own.  You love to hold that bottle.  Sometimes, if we’re out and about, I’ll give you your bottle in your car seat and let you take it from there.  Or, if we’re at home and I’m in the middle of something, I’ll lie you down on your back and you’ll feed yourself the bottle.  

You are an expert at sippy cups! We use the Take’N Toss brand, and we love it.  You first learned on those, but now that you’ve got it, we can use pretty much anything.   You drink water at mealtimes and usually have a sippy cup with you on the floor when you’re playing.  

You now eat three meals a day and have a snacktime.  You have learned to use those toddler snack cups where you have to stick your hand inside and pull out the treats!  You love doing this!

Cheerios are like baby crack to you.  We have all different kinds and you love them all.  We have banana nut, apple cinnamon, peanut butter (yes, I gave you peanut butter before your first birthday and, guess what! You’re not allergic) and whole grain.  

You are very, very talkative and lately your conversations sound more like real words.  You say ‘mom’ when you’re eating (not associating it with me though) and say ‘ish’ a lot.  You also have some letter sounds down, and say ‘shhh’ and ‘t’ really well.  And, well, you put those two sounds together the other day into what sounded suspiciously like ‘oh shit’.  You said it over and over and over.  Daddy and I were so surprised to hear that come out of your little mouth!!

You sleep through the night again!  We had to have a little bit of baby sleep boot camp last month, because you had gotten into a very bad habit of waking up every couple of hours wanting to be held.  Daddy and I love rocking you, but that sleep pattern just wasn’t sustainable for any of us!  It only took two nights of crying for twenty minutes (...while mommy sat anxiously outside your door praying for God to comfort that little baby heart) for you to figure out how to soothe yourself back to sleep.  Since then, you’ve slept straight through the night without a peep!  

Your naps have also been great!  You take one good nap in the morning that usually lasts about two hours, and then another one late in the day that ranges from 20-40 minutes.  We always read books together before naptime, and then I rock you to sleep.  I sing you ‘Jesus Loves Me’ and a song that your grandpa used to sing to me as a baby girl.

You still love Toby and Emma.  You squeal when they walk by and love to grab their fur and ‘talk’ to them.  They are pretty good sports!

You are so good at walking when we hold your hands!  You can also stand on own for long periods of time, although you’d much rather have our hands to hold.  I think you’ll walk before your first birthday! 

You love your daddy so much, and often will have roaring contests with him.  You’ll ball up your firsts and ROAR, and then daddy will do it back.  You giggle…and the cycle starts again!

You also love to growl at us when you want our full attention.  It is a very guttural sound, and your face gets all red like you’re pooping.  So funny. 

Little man, life with you has never been so sweet.  You give the best hugs, and will cuddle your face into the crook of my neck while letting out the most contented sigh.  Those moments are so precious to me.  You’ll just let me hold you tight in that hug for the longest time, and you don’t know it, but in my heart I am memorizing every last detail of how you fit so perfectly into my arms.  I never want to forget.

Earlier this month, I read the story of a little boy named Tucker who was just a bit older than you when Jesus called him home to live in heaven.  Right now, I imagine that Tucker is running around on streets of gold---in eyesight of his Savior--with a smile that, I’m sure, lights up the throne room.  His story has a happy ending, but when I read it, I was terrified.  For you.  I immediately pleaded with God to never ever take you from me like that.  Not you.  Not my little boy. 

But you know what, little one?  In that moment of absolute fear, I felt the gentle prodding of the Father, reminding my heart that the control I desperately seek He already has.  He’s always had it.  Nothing that happens in this life catches God by surprise.  He already knows. He’s already ordained every single one of your moments!  You’re the most precious gift I have ever received, but you’re His precious son, and He loves you more than I ever, ever could.  Sometimes that’s still hard for me to grasp, because I can’t fathom a love bigger than what I feel for you.  It literally steals my breath to imagine the incredible, all-encompassing love that the Father has for us.  How can I not relinquish my control to a love that big?   

When Tucker was born, his parents claimed a very special Bible verse for him:

"The Lord is with you, mighty warrior."

Judges 6:12 

I want to claim this verse for you now, in honor of Tucker’s life and in honor of my calling as your mommy.  I know that I can’t protect you a single day of your life, but I can do my very best to raise you up to be a warrior for Christ.  I can commit to being intentional with each of your moments, and commit to interceding every single day in prayer on your behalf. 

Your life is so full of promise, so full of unbridled potential, and my greatest prayer as your mama is that you will grow into a man who God proudly declares His mighty warrior.  My heart soars at the thought of who you will become.  I just know God has big things in store for His mighty warrior Blake.  

And someday, when the things of this earth are long gone and we are all united once again on those shimmering streets of gold, I pray that I will find my mighty warrior running alongside the little boy with the same life verse.  What a day that will be.  

I love you so much, Blake Louis.  Happy 10 months!

Love,

Your Mama

Blake Louis: 9 Months

Well Mr. B, you are officially 9 months old!

Here's what you've been up to:

* You are starting to get more mobile!  Not crawling yet, but you can spin around in a circle while on your belly and you are a pro at scooting backwards.  You aren't pulling that round belly off the floor yet, just using your arms to pull/push/turn yourself around in circles.  I think you're still not quite sure how to work those legs.  But you're getting closer every day!  In fact, just this afternoon I took a video of you sitting on your little bum reaching and stretching and almost getting up on all fours.  So incredibly close.  You want to so badly. 

* You have started to pull up on some things!  You like to try and pull up on the baby gate in the playroom, and you also try to pull up at your activity tables.  You've tried pulling up in your crib a couple times when we sat you in there to play, but since you can't get into a seated position by yourself, daddy and I haven't lowered your crib mattress yet.  That will probably come soon. You'll usually pull up to your knees and then get frustrated because you don't know how to finish it....but just today, you pulled all the way up on your baby gate and thought you were SUCH a big boy! 

* You looove to splash in water!  We've had some great weather lately and you and I have spent many afternoons on the back patio relaxing in your baby pool.  And you will just splash to your little heart's content!  It's so fun to watch you!  You'll splash and splash and then stop, look at me, GRIN, and get going again!  This also carries over to the bathtub.  You love the water!

* Daddy and I got you a wagon a few weeks ago and you love it so much!  Often, instead of the stroller, I'll take you for long afternoon walks in the wagon.  You think you are such a big boy riding in that thing!  You will often drop your toys of out the wagon as we walk and you get a big kick out of me having to stop and pick them up.  This might be your all time favorite game.

* We tried you in a swing at the park for the first time this month, on my birthday!  You thought it was pretty neat :)  You have the most adorable little smile, and you scrunched up your nose and squealed as we pushed you on the baby swing. 

* A few weeks ago, we took our first family vacation.  We flew to California for your Great Grandma Ollison's 90th birthday party!  All your California family had the best time getting to meet you!  You were a charmer.  You met your third cousin Paige, who is just three weeks older than you, and almost all of your second cousins on Grandma Dal Ponte's side!  We went to the Santa Ana Zoo, which is known for its monkeys.  There are at least 50 monkeys on the grounds of the zoo at all times!  We saw some pretty crazy monkeys!  We also saw an anteater, which I was personally quite fascinated by :) This trip was full of so many 'firsts' that I'm going to make a mini-list!
     1. Your first time on a plane!  You did amazing.  Didn't cry at all!  Since we haven't had much luck with you and bottles, we decided to feed you baby food during take-off and landing to make sure you were actively swallowing.  Worked perfectly!  Once we were in the air, you played a little, made faces at mom and dad for a little while, and then fell fast asleep until landing.  Perfect gentleman!  You did this both ways.
    2.   First time sleeping away from home (well, except for at Grandma and Grandpa's house).  We brought along your PeaPod, and you slept so well!  We had an amazing hotel room, and we just set up the PeaPod in the closet in our room (I know, that sounds crazy, but the closet was roomy and the perfect size!)
     3.  First time in the pool!  You loved the pool!  Such a little water baby!  We bought a little baby flotation ring for you and brought it with us to use, and boy did you ever love it!  You kicked your little legs and tried to eat the float (haha!)
     4. First time being really 'off' schedule.  We kept you out late (waaay past your bedtime), missed naps, got you up early, fed you at weird times and in weird places...and you know what?  You did amazing!  You were such a trooper.  Didn't cry at all.  We were so proud of you!!
     5.  First time on a carousel and a train!  You really liked the carousel ride...until you didn't.  You were done with it, which was bad timing since we couldn't exactly jump off a moving carousel.  After that, we went over and took the little train around the park!  You had lots of fun riding the train, roaring at the animals and scrunching up your cute little nose!


* You love to throw your toys.  It's one of your favorite games.  I'll set you down with a bucket of toys and you'll take each one out, study it in your hands, maybe shake it a little....and then chuck it across the room.  Before I know it, all of your toys are emptied out of the toy tub and are scattered all around you.  You think this is great.  Fantastic, really.

* You're still taking two naps a day, which range anywhere from 1-2 hours.  I can always make them longer by going in and rocking you once you've woken up on your own.  I love this time with you, even if it drastically reduces my productivity during your nap time :)

* You're no longer sleeping through the night....siiiiigh.  You routinely wake up at least one or two times a night, and usually need to be rocked back to sleep at least once.  You don't eat during the night, that's not allowed and you wouldn't want to anyway, you're just not sleeping a solid 10 hours anymore.  Daddy and I decided we wouldn't try the cry it out method with you, we just don't feel like it's right for our family, so when you cry one of us always answers.  I'm sure this is just a season, so for now, I'll just soak up my midnight snuggle sessions. 

* You love to feed yourself.  I pretty much let you try anything.  Some new things you've tried include pasta, soft granola bars, cheerios, and grilled cheese sandwiches.  Your favorite foods seem to be Baby MumMums, avocado, pears, Gerber puffs (you love these) and bananas.  You are not such a big fan of pasta (maybe a texture thing?), and you haven't really been interested in oatmeal lately.  We tried steel cut and it did not go over well. I think we're really moving away from baby food purees and into the land of real food!

* Speaking of eating, you are so funny when you do.  You make a 'mmmmm' sound every single time you put a bite of something into your mouth.  So adorable! 

* You talk all the time.  Not really words yet, but you are always talking.  One of your favorite things to do is ball up your little fists and literally yell at daddy and I.  If we yell back, you get SO excited, and you'll do it again.  So cute.  You also say "bla" pretty regularly, and 'da' less often.   We have really been working on saying "mama"...I'm pretty sure it will be your first word ;);)

* One of your not so fun first this month was your first trip to the ER.  You'd had a cold for weeks that just wouldn't quit, and after an afternoon of screaming/uncontrollable crying/lethargy/non-eating or drinking....daddy and I listened to our instincts and knew we needed to get you help.  We took you to the ER, and they gave you a chest xray and ran some tests to find out that you had pneumonia and a double ear infection.  My poor baby :(  Even feeling so crummy, you were the sweetest little boy in the world.  You barely fussed and just spent our time in the ER snuggled up close to mommy, taking in everything around you without a peep.  I could tell you felt horrible, though, and it broke my heart.  Daddy and I kept telling you over and over how we wished we could have done it all for you.  We're only a day out from that visit, but already you are feeling so much better!  You are on antibiotics and pain medication, and we will follow up with your regular doctor in a couple weeks to get you an all clear bill of health.

*  Lately, you've started turning the pages in books and pulling down the flaps on the pages!  We have a book called Peekaboo Forest, which you love, and you always pull down the flaps and I yell "peekaboo!" as you uncover the animal.  You think it's so fun!

*  We've been working on giving high fives!  I'm not sure you totally get it yet, but you'll put your hand against mine, so I'm calling that good :)

* At your 9 month check-up, you weighed in at just over 22 pounds and measured at 29 inches long.  You're wearing size 4 diapers!

+ You have SEVEN teeth!  Four on top and three on the bottom.  A fourth bottom tooth is just starting to poke through!

+ You are wearing 18 month clothes 

I really can't even believe that I need to start planning your first birthday party.  It's even harder for me to believe that we've now hit the point where you've been outside of me for as long as you were inside of me.  I was just thinking today how it was eighteen months ago that we first found out about you.  Where did all of that time go?  As your mommy, I feel so blessed to have literally spent every single day of the last eighteen months with you.  I was the one who got to feel you move and kick and hiccup inside of me.  You have been a part of me all that time, physically at first, and now the most treasured and vital part of my heart.  God chose us for one another, little one.  Every season with you has been miraculous. 

 I love you little boy.  So much more than I could ever say.

Love,
Your mama

A Different Kind of Mother's Day

I woke up this morning and the first thought that ran through my head was simple: today is Mother's Day.

This is the first time I've ever celebrated the day with a baby in my arms.

And yet, as much as I've anticipated what this day would feel like, now that it's here...I can clearly see that it's not the first year I have celebrated being a mother.

Before I ever held Blake in my arms, I held that precious baby in my heart.  I prayed for him, planned for him, loved him and waited for him.  I dreamed of his future, I planned out his nursery, imagined the things I'd do and say with him.  I've been his mother since the beginning of time.  God planned him for me since before either of us took our first breaths.  The road we took to one another was a little bit more twisted and broken than I ever imagined it would be, but we're here now.  And standing here, in this place, looking back over the road traveled....I'm grateful for what it took to get here.  The potholes, flat tires and unforeseen detours were the very obstacles that led me to this moment, that shaped me into the woman that would be sitting here this morning while a baby boy sleeps peacefully down the hall.

And I think, it's in looking back that I find myself overwhelmed with a new understanding of the celebration of Mother's Day.

As I've said before, I truly believe that motherhood is a calling.  It is literally written upon the heart of a woman by the Creator, and just like any other calling that is divinely-inspired, it cuts deep.  It's consuming.  It's transformative.  It defines sacrificial love in a way that simply cannot be quantified.  And I know that when God raises up a woman and calls her into motherhood, He does so with the perfect understanding of the cost.  He knows her journey. He knows what will be asked of her through every turn and twist and pothole, and He knows that He has chosen the perfect person to weather the storm.  He knows that in the end He is gifting His precious daughter with a gift that will far surpass her wildest dreams.  And He also know that motherhood is not a destination.  It's a journey.  I haven't 'arrived' because I have Blake in my arms.  I may have thought that this would be the finish line as I was running the race, but man was I wrong.  I'll say it again: motherhood is a calling.  It's a calling I'll pursue my whole life through, as God raises me up to be the woman He intended to raise Blake up.

So as I sit here today, and as I remember all the heartache and brokenness of Mother's Days in the past, I want to speak directly to those still navigating the storms.

Happy Mother's Day.  

I celebrate your calling, your unconditional love, and your commitment to the precious children your arms ache to hold.  Please don't forget, in those dark valleys and in every detour, that you have been a mother since the beginning of time.  This journey you're on, it's long and it can be terrifying to not see what's ahead...but my dear, dear sister please know that it's that very heartache that assures you you've already arrived.  God has called you to motherhood, and where he calls....he enables. 

Today I am on my knees thanking God for the blessing of the call.  This road has been the single most important one I have ever traveled, and it will continue to be the greatest journey of my life.