Infertility

I’ve been thinking a lot about infertility. 

You might read that and think it’s strange that I’m focusing on a part of my life that’s seemingly over, but let me be the first to say…..it’s not.  Infertility will always be a part of me.  And our journey, while on a hiatus for a couple years, is far from over.  We have four more babies in the frozen nursery at OHSU, and we'll go back for each one. 

Last night we were talking with some dear friends about our journey through infertility, and as Adam and I were sharing our story, I found myself stuck in a God-moment.  The moment struck me shortly after Adam talked about his own journey through fear, to faith, to God, and ultimately to a saving knowledge of his Savior and a baptism.  We talked about the people God placed in our lives, the fellowship He brought us, and the constant assurances He revealed to our hearts.  Now we’ve come full circle, and I can’t describe it any other way than to say it was an absolute wow God moment. 

I look at myself today and I almost don’t recognize the person looking back at me.  And that’s a good thing.  I’m different that I was; God has drawn me into Him, He has changed my heart and grown in me the fruits of obedience and trust.  He has revealed His faithfulness to me.  He has wiped away every tear and heard every cry.  I know and feel—from the deepest parts of my soul—His love in a way I have never known it before.   I’m wholly in love with my Savior, and my desire to serve Him and to honor Him consumes me.  I see the change in myself, in my husband, and it brings me to my knees.  God knew. From the beginning of time, He had the plan for my family, and He knew during every dark day what the future would look like.  He knew that there would come a day when I would carry our child in my womb.  He knew.  And all He asked was for me to trust.  I held a Polaroid that I was constantly analyzing from different angles, trying to make the picture change somehow, and all the while God held the panoramic view, and He was saying  just wait. 

And I feel privileged.  I am honored and humbled that God has given me, given us, this difficult road to walk.  Because who I am is not who I was.  And I don’t want to ever go back. 

So this leads me to the reason for this post.  I’ve been feeling a tug on my heart for a while now, and I think maybe if I put my thoughts into words I’m gain some clarity.

I’ve been thinking and praying about starting an infertility ministry.  

I know, for me, infertility was a very difficult thing to talk about with anyone (you might not know that from my blog, but keep in mind I started this a good 8 months into our story).  It felt taboo.  Talking to other women about my inability to bear a child gave me a profound sense of inadequacy.  It was uncomfortable—for me, and for them.  And if we’re being honest, if you haven’t experienced the heartache of not being able to have children, it’s hard to relate.  Of course it is.  That’s true with so many of life’s trials. 

I found an incredible support network through the blogging world, and I know I’m not the only one.  I’ve met so many amazing women—some of you are probably reading this right now—through this blog.  I’ve made friends (literally) around the world and become so inter-connected in the lives of these women I’ve never met.  I’ve read their stories, prayed for their own journeys, and felt the blessing of fellowship with these women walking this same difficult road. 

But it was still hard.  It’s hard to go through your everyday life missing that same support network. It’s hard to go to coffee with a friend and feel awkward for bringing up infertility when she asked the what’s new with you question.  It’s hard to contain the urge to knock over your coworker in a bear hug when you receive news that the Clomid worked this month and you’ll ovulate.  It’s hard because infertility will take over your life if you let it, and nobody really knows how to make that better. 

I was sitting in church the other day reading about the variety of outreatch/support groups they offered for (quite literally) just about everything; recovering from abortion, addiction, single moms, divorced families, blended families, etc. etc.  And I couldn’t help but wonder infertility wasn’t on that list.  It’s so often overlooked—so many women suffer alone, feel alone, when in reality they are so far from it. 

So that leads me to here.  I don’t know exactly where God is calling me to take this, or what an infertility ministry might look like, but I do know its purpose.  To offer hope, give encouragement, and ultimately, to offer meaning through the One who placed our feet on this difficult path.  I believe God chooses people to walk the road of infertility not to punish, but to reward.  I know this because I have experienced it.  For reasons we can’t always understand, God has placed us all on this road….so why not walk it together?

 _________

And so I ask you: are you walking the road of infertility?  If you are, I want to pray for you.  I want to come alongside you in this journey.  I want you to know you’re not alone.  There is a purpose, a plan greater than you could ever imagine, for every step of this journey.  There is a God who loves you, knows your every tear and longs to wipe them away.  I know the road you walk—the potholes, the pain, the hurt and fear—but I also know the joy.  It’s there.  Let’s find it together.    

9 Weeks

We had our 9 week ultrasound today.  Our baby looks perfect in every way.  

 Actually looks like a baby now!  Well, at least I think so. 

If you're staring at that picture thinking "...I have no idea what I'm looking at" then you're in luck!  Adam decided to photoshop the picture a bit to give it a bit more detail:

We also did something this time that we wished we had done last time.  We recorded the heartbeat! Someday, this baby might think we're weird....but I could play this video all day long and never get tired of it.  That's our baby's heart beating inside of me! 

Amazing.

And last, but not least....guess who's growing???

ME!

Here I am at 8 weeks along.  Okay, maybe you don't see anything.  But I definitely see a pooch when I look in the mirror....and I love it!!

Prayer Warriors

I don't know this woman personally, but I read her blog, and right now she is fighting for her life.

A few days ago, Joanne suffered a massive stroke and her daughter (12 years old) found her unresponsive and seizing on the treadmill in the their basement.  Since then, she has had part of her skull removed because of massive brain swelling and has been put in a medically-induced coma while doctors wait for the swelling to recede.

This woman needs our prayers.

I know and cherish you all as prayer warriors, and I ask you to read her story and commit to flooding Heaven's gates with prayerful petitions on her behalf.  In prayer there is power, and God hears each desperate plea. 

We see this horrible tragedy and can't help but ask why?  We may never know the answer to that age-old question, but we do know--with absolute certainty--that we serve an awesome God, Who is the definition of love and compassion, and Who will use this situation to bring about His glory.  Like all believers, Joanne's citizenship is in Heaven, and although her earthly body may fail her, we can rejoice in knowing that all things here--all the pain of our lives on earth--is only temporary.  God only allows it for a time, at the end of which we will be restored to our new, heavenly bodies where we will know no pain.  What a mighty God we serve.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Dogs:1, Owners: 0

Today we had our very first dog obedience class with Toby the pug and Emma the puggle. 

oh.my.

I’m just going to sum it up this way:

1.  Emma arrived in class and immediately made her presence known in the best way she knows how.  She sang her very best song in her very whiniest voice and attempted to sniff the private parts and roll over for every (male) dog we came in contact with.  What can I say?  This girl knows what she likes.  And by that I mean boy dogs. 

2.  Toby also made his presence known….by ferociously barking at anything that moved past him.  I especially loved it when people would come up to him with the big googly eyes, talking in baby talk about the cute little black puggy who just looks so cuuuuute…only to get their fingers nearly bitten off by my snarling, angry (..but darn cute) black pug. What a tough guy. 

3.  But by far my favorite part of the night came during heel practice, when Emma decided she needed to take a giant dump in the middle of the practice arena.  And then, she tried to eat it.  There really are no words.  Also, in related news: it stunk.  And I got to clean it up. 

4.  And then there’s Toby.  We can safely say we don’t really know how he’s progressing with his training, because Toby refused to do anything.  He wouldn’t sit, he wouldn’t stay, and he definitely wouldn’t heel.  He had to join the “inner circle” of dogs and owners (let’s think of this as the doggie special education circle…) because he refused to participate in any part of class.  That’s our little man, making mom and dad proud.

But hey.  Looking on the bright side, there are only 8 more weeks to go…..(I want it written in blood that we’ll walk away from this class with some solid obedience skills from these two misfits)  

In the meantime, I leave you with this picture.  I don't think any explanation is necessary.

Tears and tortillas

Life has been a little different around here since we found out a month ago that we were expecting a baby. 

And no, I’m not talking about morning sickness, or nausea, or dizzy spells, or any of that not-so-fun-pregnancy-stuff-that-I-have-thankfully-never-experienced.

Instead, I’m referring to hormonal pregnant ladies who love their food.  And I’m referring to my husband.

Take this example:

Last week, we got home from work and Adam offered to whip up some taco meat for dinner.   I love it when my husband offers to cook (which, honestly, happens often because he loves to do it) and of course I took him up on it.  While I waited for dinner to be ready, I kicked off my shoes, put on my favorite pair of sweats, and moseyed on over to the couch where I happily plopped myself down and wasted some time perusing my favorite social media network (….facebook, of course). 

Before I knew it, dinner was ready.  And let’s be honest—it’s a darn good thing, because I was starving. 

So I prance over to the kitchen island, salivate a bit at all the taco goodness spread out before me, and grab my tortilla.  I innocently plop it in the microwave for a 10 second warm-up.  No sooner have I closed the door then I hear a thundering “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” and I am roughly pushed aside by my frantic husband as he yanks open the microwave door and removes the offending tortilla.  Holding it at arms length, he looks at me.  I mean, he looks at me. 

I felt like a teenager who had just been caught sneaking home ten minutes after curfew (which, of course, never happened).  My shoulders drooped. 

“What do you think you’re doing??  Do you have any idea how much bacteria could be living inside our microwave?  You didn’t even have it on top of a plate!”

I look at him, and I do the only thing I can think to do: I cry. 

Big alligator tears. 

“Ijustwantedawarmtortillaaaaa” I blubber. 

He sighs.

If I had waited a moment longer, I would have gotten an apology.  And probably a hug, and a new tortilla.  But did I wait?  Nope.  Remember, I’m pregnant…and they don’t warm you about those darn hormones for nothing.   

I didn’t wait for him to say another word.  I snatched that tortilla out of his hand, made a big production of marching to our trash can, and with a flourish of the wrist, tossed that bacteria-ridden tortilla into the bin.  I gave him the there, are you happy?! eyes, and with one final glare, stomped all the way to our room where I slammed the door with finality, paused to make sure he’d heard, and then threw myself to the ground with my back against the door so Adam couldn’t get in.  And then I cried. Loudly.

It only took a few moments before I heard the footsteps.  And then a cautious attempt to open the door.  And then, a sigh.  “Baby?  I’m sorry.  Will you let me in?  I just wanted to make sure that you and the baby are safe...from bacteria, or anything else”

I considered that for a moment.  Again, I could have opened the door at that moment and gotten my hug and warm tortilla, but…I’m pregnant.  And I didn’t.

“You make me feel like a bad mom!”  I hurled at him through the door, stomping my slippered foot for effect.

Silence.

“You’re not a bad mom.  You’re going to be the best mom.  I’m sorry I made a big deal out of the tortilla….

And then he said it.

“….I love you baby mama”

I could feel a grin spreading across my face.  I love it when he calls me that! The tears stopped.  I stood up and pressed my ear against the door.  I just had one thing left to settle.

“But will you warm up my tortilla?”  


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Ladies, I have the best husband in the world.  

Baby #2

I want to amend my last post just a little bit.

We have been profoundly blessed with the gift of this pregnancy, and our hearts overflow (more every single day) with thanksgiving for the life God has entrusted us with.

But I wanted to reflect a little more, because we transferred two, and we will bring only one into the world.  I want to acknowledge the loss of baby #2, because that little life was precious to us.

Our journey was unique.  Most people never get to experience what we experienced. Most people never know that there is a baby, a fertilized embryo, just waiting to attach.  Most people never know, because when the embryo travels into the uterus after fertilization, pregnancy can't be detected yet.  Most people never know the baby was there, and so most people can't miss the little life that could have been.  Most people never know they have experienced a miscarriage before implantation ever occurred.

But we're not most people.  We knew.  We've watched the promise of these babies develop from day 1--from each follicle that was stimulated in my ovaries, from each mature egg that was retrieved, and from each embryo that was created.   We prayed for each of those babies every single day, and after our transfer, we dreamed of what our future could look like with twins.  We knew.

As we've gone through this process, I feel like I've learned so much--about myself, and about the way pregnancy works.  It's such a miraculous process.  I now know that as many as 50% of pregnancies miscarry before implantation in the womb occurs.  That statistic is staggering.  Most of these miscarriages go undetected--they are called "missed" miscarriages because the mother never knew she was pregnant.  The baby just didn't implant.  The pregnancy wasn't to be.

I guess there are some who would probably prefer to never have known that a baby was lost.  Maybe in some ways it's easier to move on without knowing.  But not for us.  We are so glad we know.  That knowledge is yet another gift from God.  I may never have gotten to hold that baby in my arms, but those two weeks I carried it inside my womb are precious to me.  We are thankful that we can mourn the loss of that baby and commit the tiny life back into the waiting arms of the Father.  Thank you, Lord, for giving us that chance.

Our commitment to our babies--the one currently growing as well as the four waiting for us in the frozen nursery--is absolute.  We love them all.  We will give them all a shot at life, and we will continue to pray for and dream of our family with each precious baby added to it.   I can't wait to see the picture come together.  The loss of a baby is heartbreaking, but the joy of this pregnancy reminds us that God holds the blueprint.  From the beginning we committed this process to God, and we wholly believe that His hand is guiding the final formation of our family.   
 
We trust You, Lord.  

And the results are in...

Well, we had our 6 1/2 week ultrasound today.  Before I give away all that excitement, I want to introduce you to the baby we're dying to meet, and I want to introduce that little one by name.

You'll just have to take my word for it when I say we have not and did not spend an exorbitant amount of time agonizing over names for our children.  If you know us well, you know that we have been notoriously oppositely-minded when it comes to names that we like.  I liked Sadie, Adam hated it.  I liked Hunter, Adam hated it.  And so it continued.  Eventually, we just tabled the discussion until we were closer to our baby's actual birthday.   

So, imagine my surprise when Adam came to me with a name he loved for his little girl.   As soon as he said it out loud...I knew it was her name.  It's perfect. 

So, without further ado, our first born baby girl will be named:

Addyson Rose

Her first name, Addyson, means awe-inspiring, noble, God is just, and in God's image.  It also means Child of Adam (a fact instrumental in Adam's initial attention being drawn to it).  We hope that her first name will always remind her that her life was spoken into existance by God, that she was created in His image, and that her life is precious to the Father.  "So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27

She will carry the middle name Rose, just like her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother before her.  We plan to call her Addy.  

________________________________

After we had that nailed down, we started talking about little boys.  Adam and I got online and started looking around....and before long, we had found the name for our baby boy.  

So, without further ado, our first born baby boy will be named:  

Elijah James

Elijah means the Lord is my God, and has Biblical roots to the Old Testament prophet Elijah. Elijah was a man who followed God, who faced trial and hardship, and who cried out to God and was rescued.  The Lord is our God, He is faithful to His children, and we hope our baby boy's namesake will always remind him of the Father who is mighty to save.  

James is the middle name carried by both Adam and my older brother.  It is also the first name of Adam's grandpa.  We plan to call this little one Eli.  

_______________________________

And there you have it.  We don't know or care if we'll have an Addy or an Eli first, but we look forward to the day when we'll get to welcome each one into our family.

Okay :)


So today.  They always say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go...

 

We've got one beautiful baby in the oven :)

The baby is on the left, and the yolk sac, which provides all the baby's nourishment until the umbillical cord forms, is on the right.  Right now, our baby is only the size of a grain of rice, but already amazing things are happening in there.  Just look at all that's happening this week:

• The arms and legs develop - These limbs are stretching out more and more.
• Brain is growing well - Did you know that over the course of the remaining months that the baby's brain will develop over 100 billion neurons?
• Lenses of the eyes appear - If you could catch a glimpse inside, you would notice the baby's appearance becoming increasing like a newborn's.
• Nostrils are formed - The position of the nose seems to shift into its proper place as well. Soon, the nerves running from the nose to the brain appear.
• Intestines grow - Initially these are actually located outside the baby's body within the umbilical cord.
• Pancreas - The baby is now equipped to deal with digestive enzymes and take on processing the insulin and glucagons the body needs to function

That blows me away.  The miracle of life is unfathomable.  


Today was absolutely miraculous.  Soon after our doctor started the ultrasound, he suddenly froze the wand and pointed to the screen. Look right there, he said.  We both looked at the screen as a tiny white dot thudded rhythmically up and down, up and down on the screen.....it was our baby's heart, beating inside of me.  There aren't words to describe that feeling. 


We also got to hear the heartbeat.  We heard our baby's heart beating at 132 BPM, which is perfect.  It was the most beautiful sound in the world.  I wish I had recorded it, so I could share it with you all here.  As it is, you'll just have to trust me.  It was amazing, it took our breath away, and my heart soared in thanksgiving to our Lord and Savior, who created this precious life and has delivered it safely to us.  


What we learned today is that this baby looks perfect in every way.  Its crown to rump measurement was absolutely spot-on for 6 weeks and 4 days, its heart was beating at the perfect rate, the yolk sac was well-formed and the baby is developing right on schedule.  Our doctor was so thrilled with how the baby looked that we have been released from OHSU's care.  I'll admit, that's kind of bittersweet for us, because I love those people and will never forget how God has used them to bring us hope, and to grow this baby inside of me.  They will always be a part of our life.  


As I write this post, my mind is wandering back to another time in my life, not very long ago, when my heart was breaking at the thought of never having a child.  I remember that emptiness, the feeling of loss, and I remember writing these lyrics as I cried out to God...begging for His peace, while simultaneously placing my trust in His almighty hands.  I meant this words then, with all my heart, but as I write them again today the meaning is new.  God has walked us through the valley, and He has placed our feet on the mountaintop.  We trust You, Lord. No matter what. 


No matter what, I still love You.
And no matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust You.  
No matter what

Thank you for praying for us, for our baby, and for this journey.  Adam and I are excited to share every step with you as God prepares us to receive this precious life.  We ask that you please keep praying.  We are wholly in love with this baby Breitenstein, and know that this baby will be born into a network of people who have prayed for and loved on it long before its birth. What a priceless gift.  From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you.