Here we go IN VITRO: Week 6

Here I am in my living room—fire burning in the fireplace, dogs standing guard on my either side, my hubby’s arm around me as we anxiously peer out the window waiting for the forecasted snow to arrive—and I have to pause and smile.  

I am so blessed.  What an incredible life.

With Thanksgiving so close, it’s hard not to stop and take stock in all that God’s given us.  To praise Him for His faithfulness, for His love, and for His mercies that are new everyday.  

Going through this process has made me so keenly aware of the blessings that surround me; the gift of friendship, the incredible miracle of family, the beauty of Creation….the list is unending.  I’m in awe of the love of the Father, and how it is manifested in everything I see around me.   

And I am so thankful.

In Your Arms

So here I am, working out in my garage, running along on my treadmill to the worship station on Pandora that I created a few weeks ago....and on comes this song.  And I had to stop and listen.



I'm claiming this song, these lyrics, as my personal love song for my Savior.  For this journey.

I'm letting my fears go, giving You control
For You are the one that holds me closer in my soul's darkest night
Everything I see is so temporary
So help me to run the race before me
With eternity in sight

Now I close every door
And put my face back on the floor
And I'm in Your arms, where I belong
There's no other place for me than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 5

I’m going to start this week’s update with a confession.

This week, four friends and/or acquaintances announced that their families are expecting a new addition.  And, as much as I’m ashamed to admit it, my heart still clenches every single time I hear that news.  Along with the incredible joy I feel for these amazing families, there is also a selfish spot that wants to spend a few moments in mourning for myself, and for the family that we have yet to see grow.  I’m embarrassed that I still have those moments, because I know that I need to ditch the sense of entitlement. 

The fact of the matter is God doesn’t owe me anything.  As much as I’d like to think that I am, I’m not entitled to a baby simply because I want one.  I’m also not entitled because I try to be a good person, or because I love God, or because I know in my heart of hearts that I would be a good mom.  I’m not entitled because I’m unworthy of the blessing. 

When God chooses to bless us with the absolutely miraculous gift of life, He is entrusting us with one of His children.  Have you ever thought of it that way?! God is literally gifting us with the one thing He considers most precious on this earth.  He is trusting us to love on and nurture this miraculous little human so that it will grow to know Him, to walk with Him, and to light up a dark world with His love.   We are raising these babies for Him. 

W-O-W. What love the Father has for us, that He would choose to entrust us with a job so valuable! 

As much as my heart yearns for the day when God will deliver His miraculous little baby gift into our hands, I know that my prayer—now and always—needs to be this: Lord, teach me to walk with You by faith.

_________________________

Since I really don’t have that much new in vitro-wise to report, I’m going to make this a picture update to catch you all up on where we’ve been this week and what we’re working on.  Enjoy!

This week, I’ve been shopping.  Here are a few of the things/colors I’ve picked up for the new master bedroom. 

 Oooh, I love this color.  And yes, I realize I'm not showing you all of the picture; sorry, but I don't want to give away too much until the grand reveal!

That texture is heavenly!  And I'm loving the color more than you know.

This week we've also done some painting.  Adam worked on this....

and I worked on this....

Together, they look kind of like this.....

Yes, I distressed that, and yes, I'm way excited.  I'm not going to tell you why there is a blue door in our bedroom, either.  But I promise it's going to be amazing.  

And because they're cute, I'm going to add in a picture of what my dogs have been doing....

....watching us through the baby gate. 

Deserts

"I spread out my hands to You; my soul thirsts for You like a parched land."

Psalms 143:6

That verse just spoke to me today.  I especially love the simile at the end--my soul thirst for You like a parched land.  How beautiful.  

It made me think about the deserts of life.  It can certainly feel, when you're walking through one, that you'll never find that oasis your heart has been longing for.  It can feel like the desert is too vast for your weary feet to travel.   

And yet, deserts are miraculous places! Did you know that deserts cover over 1/3 of the surface area on earth?  That's a lot of land.  Did you know that deserts are second only to tropical rain forests in the diversity of plants and animals that live there? Deserts fascinate me, because at first glance, they seem like a barren, desolate place....and yet, in reality, they are teeming with life.      

And then there's the part about desert oasis'. 

If you look up the definition of an oasis, you'll find the following: A fertile or green spot in a desert or wasteland

A fertile or green spot in a desert or wasteland.  Can you see where I'm going with this?

I think I'm starting to understand the desert.  And I'm not talking about the physical one.  

Maybe God allows us to walk through deserts to teach us to rely on Him--on the Living Water.  When we drink from the spring of His love and mercy, we form our own God-oasis that surrounds us and covers us from head to toe.  Water--the living water, in this case--is what makes the grass green, what develops and grows in us a Godly character.  My oasis is my God. As I begin to rely more and more on that oasis, I see that what I felt and saw as barren and isolated is really teeming with opportunities to know God, to walk with Him, and to grow in my knowledge and understanding of His character. 

Wow.  I'm loving that promise today.   What a blessing it is to be loved on by the Almighty God.  I just can't get enough.   

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 4

This week, I've decided on a project that will get me through this process and give me an outlet for any anxiety that might come my way.  I've been told over and over again that staying relaxed is a very important part of this.  And I take doctor's orders very seriously. 

So.

What could be more relaxing than remodeling our master bedroom??  

I'm excited.

We bought our house two (three in March) years ago, and since that time, our master bedroom has sat in the same state of perpetual blah.  I never decided on a color scheme that I liked, I never hung pictures on the walls, I never really organized the furniture or bought anything that matched...it just never came together.

So clearly, this was the perfect project for me to tackle.

Now remodeling a bedroom can be very expensive, and that is definitely NOT the goal of this little adventure, especially considering what we are looking forward to (a baby...and I hear those things are expensive) so I made myself a few guidelines:

1. Nothing I buy will be over $20
2. Furniture will ONLY be bought on craigslist or garage sales, and not for more than $25 (yes, I gave myself a $5 limit increase...I mean, furniture can be expensive)
3. I'm going to become a do-it-yourself girl

Needless to say, I'm STOKED.  I'm already having a blast and I haven't even started yet.

So far, I've picked out a color scheme that I love:

Gold, various shades of yellow, brown and a peacock blue/teal.  I almost died when I saw this little combination.  Adam went with me today and we picked up color swatches at Lowes, so now I'm sporting my newest color inspirations in my purse so I can whip them out at a moment's notice.

I've also been stalking my favorite design blogs for inspiration, and have a small (huge) pile of pictures/projects printed out that I want to mimic in this redesign.  My favorite idea?  Our (future) headboard for the bed.  And no, I'm not telling.  Yet. 

My husband, who is incredibly supportive (even though I can tell he's not sure how these "creative" ideas of mine will turn out), graciously agreed to begin phase 1 of this project on Thursday: painting an accent wall.  I knew I picked a keeper :)

Here we go IN VITRO: Week 3

Today, I was offended.

I ran across a very insensitive comment by someone who clearly wanted me to know that they did not believe that in vitro is an acceptable way to start a family for a Christian woman who believes in the sanctity of life. 

My first inclination?  To give this person a piece of my mind.  To get angry, because I was angry.  Words started swirling in my head, oh the things I was going to say!  But even as my eyes began to gleam with the intensity of it all, God squashed the whole thing before it ever left my brain.  It was like He was saying, “Chill, Mandy.  Would you look through my eyes?  I love this person!  You are accountable to me, not anyone else.”

Ah, shoot.  He was right, and I deflated.

So I thought about it.  And the bottom line is I get it. 

Not everyone agrees with the in vitro process. There are a lot of potential concerns.  To answer them, we have worked with our team of doctors to implement constraints aimed at honoring each of our embryos as babies.   If we lose an embryo, we will mourn the loss of our baby. 

Even so, I get that this isn’t the path for everyone. 

But this is our path.  And what a tremendous opportunity we have been given to witness!!  Already, God has given us amazing opportunities for discussion with the doctors and nurses we are working with, and my prayer is that He will continue to do so.  God works in mysterious ways, and praise the Lord that He does.  If this is the road He has laid out in order to bring our babies into the world, then amen and hallelujah.

That being said, I want to offer up an invitation:  If you have questions for me about this process, I love a good discussion. 

Confession

 A lot of people tell me I’m brave for sticking my infertility cross out there for all to see. 

And I’m going to make a confession:  sometimes, I like hearing it. 

Sometimes, I struggle with booting my inner self off the throne of my life in favor of Someone greater.   Sometimes, I like hearing other people tell me what a great writer I am, or what a strong faith I have, or how brave I am.  Who doesn't love hearing nice things about themselves?  As humans, we love to give ourselves the glory.  

But it’s in those moments that I let myself forget what this is all about, I forget Who deserves all the glory, and I pat myself on the back.  

Am I proud of that?  No.

But I can admit that I have those moments devoted solely to the worship of me because I want you all to see me for who I really am. 

I’m not a superhero.  I don’t have an extraordinary faith.  My life and my struggles are no different than yours; I’m no different than you. 

So if you think I’m brave, you’re wrong.

Truth be told, I’ve always been something of an introvert. 

If you knew me back in the day, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.  In high school, I was tremendously shy.  Giving a speech in front of the class terrified me, and I had a nervous habit of awkwardly shifting my weight from foot to foot whenever I had to do it.  Ever since I can remember, I’ve hated calling people or talking to people on the phone.  I never know what to say, and I hate awkward pauses.  When I got my first car, I’d make my dad fill it up with gas because I was embarrassed to have to go to a gas station and talk to an attendant. 

I’ve always been more comfortable writing than speaking.

And that brings us to this blog.  Did you know I wrote the first entry months before I ever made the blog public?  Yes siree I sure did.  Why?  Because I was terrified.  I knew full well that I was opening up a very personal part of my life, and in doing so, would be subjecting myself to the judgment of cyberspace.  I think I waited that month because I was still trying to decide if this was really something I wanted to do.  And when I finally posted the link, it was because I knew it wasn’t something I necessary wanted to do, but rather, something God was calling me to do.

And so it began.

Little did I know back then what a blessing this blog would be to me.  Little did I know how many people would rally around us, lift us up in prayer, and offer their love and words of encouragement.  I thought God wanted to use this blog and our story as a ministry to others, but what I actually found was a ministry God wanted to give to me through all of you.  I’ve been so humbled.

So that brings me full circle.

Am I brave?  Not even close.  Is my faith unshakable?  No. I’m weak.  I struggle with questions that I’ll never have the answers to (until I’m finally standing face to face with my Savior), and there are days when I can’t seem to find my way out of my own self-pity. 

I’ve learned that faith isn’t some superhuman gift God bestows on a chosen few; rather, it’s a daily choice to shift your focus from the chaos around you to the One who controls it.  Some days I do a better job making that choice than others; but I’m learning. 

So why am I telling you all of this?  Because I want you to know me.  I don’t want to put up any pretenses or have you think I’m something I’m not.  This is my story, this is my journey, but it’s not really mine.  It can’t be, because it’s not about me.  I can’t take the credit for any of it, because none of it comes from me.  It can only be attributed to the living God, whose grace and mercy absolutely covers me from head to toe. 

And I want to do a better job of pointing it all back to Him.