Waiting in Expectation

Adam and I had our first visit of the month up at OHSU this weekend.  We'll be heading back Thursday morning for some definitive news, but so far we're looking consistent with where we've been in past months at this same point in my cycle.  That's good news, and we thank you in advance for your prayers over the next few days as we anticipate our next trip to OHSU.

Before heading home, we stopped by Tony's place in the Pearl and walked to The Daily Cafe with him (yummy) for a Sunday brunch.  It's always fun to spend time with my older brother, and this morning was no exception.  I wish more of our trips to OHSU could fall on a weekend so we'd be able to do that with him more often!!

After that, we made one quick stop by the mall to visit the Duck store (since we don't have one in Salem).  Adam and I each picked up one of these:

Go Ducks!  I spotted these little bad boys during a crowd shot of the game at Autzen last week, and wanted one.  Sadly, we don't have a Duck store in Salem, so I've been biding my time until we made a trip to either Eugene or Portland.  Now I'm all set for the game next week....which we have tickets to!!!

We made one other purchase at the Duck store, and I must say I'm pretty excited about it: 

Yes, those are baby booties, and no, I am not pregnant.  Yet.  But I will be.  Adam and I have been talking about waiting in expectation, and preparing our fields for the rain we believe God will send.  These baby booties are just one small way that we are stepping out in faith, proclaiming God's faithfulness, and standing firm in our belief that God hears us and His help is already on the way.  We also thought their symbolism was pretty spot on.  They represent where we've been (Adam grew up in Eugene, and we met as undergrads at the University of Oregon), and they represent where we're going (a journey into parenthood). 

Someday there will be newborn feet filling out these booties, and when we've finally reached that place in life, we'll remember back to today, to this season, and we will praise our Savior for His grace, for His faithfulness, and for His love.  What a sweet day that will be.  In the meantime, we wait.  And while we wait, we praise.  

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalms 5:3

"Once there were two farmers who desperately needed rain & both of them prayed to God. But only one of them went out & prepared his field to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send a rain? God will send the rain when He's ready.  You just need to prepare your field to receive it. "

I leave you with a picture of our pug, Toby, after a brisk walk on a sunny afternoon.  As soon as we got home, he made a beeline for the air vent and collapsed on top of it; desperately trying to soak up all the air conditioning he could....

This just cracks me up!!!

Facing the Giants

Earlier tonight, Adam and I sat down to watch Facing the Giants. If you haven't seen it, the story is about a high school football team and their journey towards success as a team. It follows the head coach as he "faces the giants" on and off the field--off the field, he and his wife have been trying for four years to have a baby, and are dealing with the heartache of infertility. It's no secret why that struck home. On the field, the story is one of faith and redemption, of trusting in God and giving glory to Him despite the circumstances. I loved it. Yes, the acting was cheesy, but the message was clear. It spoke right to my heart.

I jotted down some quotes from the movie that I wanted to remember, and I'm going to share them (along with my own commentary).

I'm still clinging to a hope that one day we'll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met?

This quote made me cry. This is how I feel. My heart aches and longs for babies that I have never met. I miss them. I pray for them. I can't wait to hold them. I am already absolutely in love with the babies God has yet to bless me with; I can't even imagine what it will feel like to hold them in my arms.

In God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it.

What a good reminder. Fear is my greatest enemy. I find so much comfort in knowing that God's message on the subject is so clear. I can hear him whispering to my heart "trust me".  In a trusting relationship with my Savior, fear has no roots. 

"If the Lord never gives us children, will you still love Him?”

Isn't that the question? This is the hardest question in our lives as believers; will we choose to love Him even when the answer is no? Will we choose to love Him when it hurts? It breaks my heart to imagine that being true for Adam and I, but my answer is still an unqualified yes. To God be the glory, now and forever. My life, this journey, everything I say and do--it's committed to my King. I trust Him. I know His plan for me is good.

Once there were two farmers who desperately needed rain & both of them prayed to God.
But only one of them went out & prepared his field to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send a rain? God will send the rain when He's ready.  You just need to prepare your field to receive it.

Amen.  Faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you do not see.  I know I quote that verse in Hebrews a lot, but I also know that God places it on my heart a lot as a reminder that I desperately need.  I need to prepare my field.  We are waiting in expectation and trusting that God.will.deliver. 

Revelations 3:7-8

The doors He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept My word and have not denied My name.

See You At The Pole 2010

Blessed

I started out this week feeling like I was standing in front of a gushing fire hydrant.  Getting blasted with ice cold water, being pushed backward when all I really wanted to do was sidestep the hurdle and surge on ahead.  I was feeling defeated.  I was feeling afraid to hope.

Luckily, my God is SO much bigger than that.

Today, I'm feeling incredibly blessed, and I'm going to tell you exactly why.

Adam and I are blessed by the amazing friends and family that God has so graciously placed in our life--for this moment, this journey, this season--for such a time as this.  We are blessed by the outpouring of love and support that we have seen, time and time again, from people we're close to and people we're not.  We are touched by the compassion, the faith, and the care that has been poured out to us and expressed in countless different ways.  To put it simply, we are grateful.  

This past week, especially, I have seen God's incredible grace in our lives, and His faithfulness manifested in the love of those around us.  He's met our needs--my needs this week--and shown me unequivocally that we are not alone in this, that we are loved, prayed for, and that our pain can never overshadow our joy.

Let me recap a few highlights of the week:

Our dear friends the Andrews appeared at our door one Sunday evening with a beautiful bouquet of orange and yellow flowers.  "Sunny Days" was what the arrangement was called, and Melissa told me they'd chosen it because those were exactly the kind of days that they knew were ahead for us.  On the wrapping of the flowers, Melissa had written encouragement in the form of a Bible verse.   I've said it before and I'll say it again--these incredible friends have been an incredible blessing in our lives from the day we met them.  They have prayed with us, encouraged us, and been there for all the ups and downs along the way.  I saved a few of the flowers from the bouquet and put them into our Blessing Box with a tag that read, "The blessing of forever friends."

Josh and Melissa, thank you for being the kind of friends we can't wait to spend the next 50 years hanging out with.   Thank you for standing with us.  You may never know just how much it means.
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Yesterday, as we do every Saturday, we had breakfast with my parents.   This has become one of our favorite traditions--I love and cherish the time we spend laughing and talking with my mom and dad over the everyday happenings of life.  They are two of the funniest people I know, and I am blessed beyond belief to count my mom and dad as two of my closest and very best friends.  And yesterday, in the middle of our breakfast, my parents completely amazed us by meeting a need that we didn't even know they knew we had.  We were shocked.  We were humbled.  We were blessed.  I couldn't even find the words to thank them--my mouth just couldn't seem to form the right words to convey my gratitude and love for who they are.  After we left, Adam and I drove home in awe.  We were so touched by their love, and it led into a conversation about who we want to be as parents.  We talked about how everything we hope to be is manifested in who they are.   We talked about the selfless, unconditional love they openly display, and how they have been such a steady rock in the storm.  What amazing parents I have.  What incredible love.  

Mom and Dad, we are beyond thankful for who you are.  Thank you for showing us--through example--how to love down to tips of our toes.  Thank you for sharing your faith and bending your knee in prayer.  Thank you for being in example in all you do--I hope you know that we want to be just like you, because you want to be just like Him.  I just couldn't possibly love you any more.
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Today, Adam and I had the incredible pleasure of spending the day at the beach with Eric and Caitlin.  We love every moment that we get to spend with these two, and were SO excited to spend the day just hanging out.  As they walked through the front door, we were greeted with something unexpected:

Wow. A bottle of wine, Euphoria chocolates, bubble bath, a candle, and a gift certificate to a romantic restaurant in Portland. 

And there was this:

A note of encouragement, with our biggest and most heartfelt desire written right on the seal.  It's like they pulled that one right out of my heart--knowing our most desperate desire and commiting to pray for it alongside us.  What a blessing, and it went right into the box. Honestly, I was completely blown away by how precious these two people are.  I just adore them.  Caitlin and Eric have loved on us in such incredible ways and been a constant support since the beginning.  The amount of thought and care that went into this basket just blows me away.   After we got home from the beach, and as were saying our goodbyes, Adam gave Eric the biggest bear hug--almost knocked his little brother over--and we all just doubled over in laughter.  If you knew these two boys well, you'd know that hugging has never been something they do--that's just not how they express themselves.  Over the years, Cait and I have been working on a little brotherly love, but usually any hugs exchanged are prompted by one of us girls.  But not today.  Adam's impromptu hug just tugged at my little heartstrings, because that's exactly how I feel.  Overwhelmed with love and gratitude for these amazing people God has given us to call family.   After they left, I just stood in the kitchen staring at the basket with little tears welling up in my eyes.  I am so touched. 

Eric and Cait, I don't even know where to start.  We love you two tremendously, and when we count our blessings, we count you each twice.  Thank you for praying with us, for telling us that you do, and for letting us know that we aren't in this alone.  I may never have the right words to express what that means.  My heart is full of love---it's just bursting in thankfulness for the tremendous ways you bless our life. 

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Do you see what I mean?  I wasn't lying when I said that we have been blessed.  God has poured out His love in amazing ways, through these amazing people.  We are so thankful, and we are so READY!

I'm ready to proclaim that this is THE month.  That we are going to step out in faith, praying specifically because we want it all, and we know that God wants to give it. 

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalms 5:3

 

A date with my love

Yesterday, Adam and I got to spend an evening together just hanging out at the State Fair.  I love date nights.  I love spending time with husband--holding his hand, laughing, and just being together. 

At the fair!

I LOVED looking at the entries for cake decorating -- this one is made out of fondant and I just loved it!!  I wish I could do something like that

This one cracked Adam and I up.  Redneck Retirement!

Then, I made friends with this cute little pig.  His oink reminded me of my pug Toby, so I took his picture :)

And to round out the night, I made some friends in the goat area.  I love goats.  If we had a farm, the first two animals I would buy are a goat and a llama.  

All in all, we had a wonderful time!  I am so blessed by this amazing man that I have to call my husband.   This was our last "date night" before the new school year kicks into high gear, and I loved it!

"Waiting Room" by Jonny Diaz

Here in this waiting room, yearning for You to say "go"
And though I'm convinced that a yes would be best
This time You're telling me no.


It's not that I don't have an answer
It's just not the one that I'd like
But through this time, Lord, I must keep in mind
You're always wiser than I

You have a much better purpose
And You have a far greater plan
And You have a bigger perspective
Cause You hold this world in Your hands
 
The things that I seek are from You
Like the strong healing touch of Your hand
But when You say no, help me trust even though
There's a reason that I can't understand
 
When that miracle comes cause Your answer is yes
I will praise You for all of my days
But when Your wisdom declares that a no is best
I will praise You just the same

Faith

Well hello again :)

I'm coming to you all today with a heavy heart.  I want to open up our lives once more and invite you along on our journey.

Earlier this month, I was given a "trigger" shot to force ovulation.  As it was in months past, we were told to wait two weeks and then, if no period, to test for pregnancy.

Well, that was exactly two weeks ago yesterday.

I don't think I slept more than two hours straight Tuesday night.  Before going to bed, we drove up to Silver Falls and found a quiet spot to reflect and pray together--thanking God for His provision over the past year, and asking His blessing on the month...begging on bended knee that this be THE month.

After a restless night, we found each other awake at 4:30--anxious and praying together, crying out to God--for these results to answer our prayers from the past year.  I finally peed on the stick at 5:15, and after three minutes of anticipation, we saw only one line.  Negative.

That was yesterday. I still haven't started my period, but the pregnancy test was negative.  To say it was heartbreaking would be an understatement.  I hurt. If you've ever wanted something so badly that it physically tears at you, consumes your every waking thought, then you understand.  My heart feels raw.  I feel exposed.  I feel like I got sucker-punched.  It hurts more to come this far--to reach home plate only to be told I missed a base and have to go back.  Start over.  Try again.

The obvious question is why.  Why not this month?  Why does it have to be so hard?  Why us?  

I'd be lying if I said I don't ask myself those questions, if I said I don't cry them out to God when I'm alone and scared.  I'd be lying if I said I don't wrestle with doubt, with uncertainty, and with my own faith in a Divine plan.

But here's the kicker.

It's okay.  When I'm having moments of doubt, when I'm afraid and scared, God meets me right there.  He listens as I pour out my heart.  He loves me despite my insecurities, my imperfect faith.  He is my friend who sticks closer than a brother.  He walks beside me.  He holds my hand, kisses away my tears, and pulls me close to His side.  He loves me.  I am His child.  And He lovingly whispers in my ear--reminding me of who I am, who He made me to be, and who I am in Him.

And in those moments I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  I feel soft whispers prodding me onward, because what good is faith if I can only muster it up when times are good?  What about the faith that David had when he faced Goliath?  Or Daniel in the lion's den? Or Noah, Abraham and Moses?  What they had was no run-of-the-mill faith.  It's the kind that moves mountains.  It's the kind of faith God is calling me to.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.

I limit my faith when I try to put God in a box--try to neatly fit the enormity of the Creator the Universe into a frame of reference that my humanity can understand.  The reality is God is incomprehensible.  His majesty is beyond our ability to understand.  His ways are mysterious.  Does that make him unapproachable?  Just the opposite.  It makes him approachable. By faith.  By trusting in the Creator to best manage the intricacies of my own meager existence.  

And so here we are.

We are going to wait through the weekend before we call the doctor and proceed with medication to force my cycle to reset itself.  We've decided to not take any more pregnancy tests until Sunday.  We're not giving up yet.

My God walks on water.  He can turn one line into two without batting an eyelash.  I believe that.  Do you believe it, too?  Will you pray with us?