OHSU

Lately, I've come to relish my quiet moments with God in a renewed way.  I'm hungry for them. I can't wait to carve out time in my day to encounter God in a new way.

Often, for me, these moments often take place as I travel from point A to point B alone in my car.  I crank up my Christian music, turn off my brain, open my heart and just listen and praise God for who He is and what He has done.   It's become a treasured time for me--a time to hang out with my Heavenly Father and just pour out my heart.  I literally picture myself sitting in Heaven's throne-room, wrapped in the loving arms of my Savior as we sit and talk about who I am and who He is in me.  I love these moments, because I can feel His arms holding me, and I can sense His Holy Spirit whispering words of love into my very soul.  It rejuvenates my soul. 

This past week, I was having a quiet time with God as I was driving down Highway 22 after dropping Adam off at work.  I was feeling scared and anxious about the upcoming ultrasound at OHSU, and I was telling God about my fears.   I was telling Him how much I want this trial to be over, I was praying for healing, but I was also committing every moment--every step--to His glory.  If this ends tomorrow, I will praise God for his faithfulness and His love.  If this ends in a year, I will praise God for his faithfulness and His love twofold.  If this ends in five years, my praises will not cease.  Why?  Because my heart understand that this is my cross.  This is my journey, this is the path God has laid out for me.  Jesus surrended His will to the greater plan, and when He tells us to take up our daily crosses, He speaks as One who was crucified.   It's humbling to think about. 

I was reading the book Godology by Christian George this week, and there was a description of faith that really struck me.  George wrote, "Christian joy is greatest when the cross is heaviest."  Wow.  Really?  How can you be joyous in the face of life's potholes?  It seems counter-intuitive, and yet, it is so true.  This year has been painful beyond anything else I've ever experienced, but my joy has never been greater.  I have encountered God and He has changed me.  Molded my heart.  Filled in the little holes so it beats only for Him.  I am infinitely grateful for the chance to know my Savior in such an intimate way. 

In the same book, the author relays an amazing discussion between a trapeze artist and a curious onlooker.  The description captures such a tender image of our God, and I wanted to share it: 

"As a flyer, I must have complete trust in my catcher.  The public might think I am the great star of the trapeze, but the real star is Joe, my catcher.  He has to be there for me with split-second precision, and grab me out of the air as I come to him in the long jump...The secret is that the flyer does nothing and the catcher does everything."

"Nothing?" The man replied.

"Nothing.  The worst thing a flyer can do is try and catch the catcher.....If I grab Joe's wrist I might break them, or he might break mine, and that would be the end of both of us.  A flyer must fly, and a catcher must catch, and the flyer must trust, with outstretched arms, that the catcher will be there for him. "

Wow.  Isn't that an amazing description of living with and for God?  In this life, it's not about what we do, because it all points back to Him.  We are who He made us to be, and God never drops his catch.  In the circus of life, we release the trapeze and soar...all the while secure in the knowledge that we can trust our Catcher.  Christ never loses what He wins.  God will never let us fall.
_______________________________

I want to end this by saying that our appointment at OHSU went very well.  We are very encouraged, and have had our prayers answered in that we saw clear signs that the hormone therapy worked this month.  We go back on Thursday (our 3 year anniversary) to check again and have a definitive answer for what we can expect to see happen this month.  It makes me giggle to see how God orchestrated my cycle, and our appointments, so that this very special and important day will fall on the 3-year anniversary of our commitment to God and each other.  Touche, God, touche. :) He is so good, and His timing so perfect. 

We also want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all the prayers and encouragement.  We felt them on Sunday as we waited for the doctor--just a sense of peace and the knowledge that we were being uplifted.  We ask you to continue those prayers as we wait to see what Thursday will bring.

Love and hugs,
A&M

Painful Circumstance

I’ve been thinking a lot about trials.  About the dichotomy of a loving, compassionate God and painful life circumstances that just don’t make sense.  It’s a question that people ask all the time.  How could a God that loves us allow such painful things to happen to His people?   Why does God want us to feel pain?

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about that at various points over the last nine months.  I’d be lying to say it hasn’t crossed my mind.  And in praying about it and studying the Bible, I’ve come to one really big conclusion.

1. God is not punishing me. 

When we go through trials, the first reaction we often have is to rebel, ask God the hard questions:  Why is this happening?  What I have done?  Why are you doing this to me??

Those are natural questions, but to answer them, we have to take a step back.  I think of life--at any given moment--very much like a Polaroid picture.  A snapshot.  How can we possibly hope to drink in the magnitude of the view if we're stuck looking at only one frame of a panoramic shot?  We just have to step back. 

When I think about trials, my mind wanders to Job in the Bible.  If ever there was a trial by fire, it was given to Job.   

Job was a man who followed God. In the opening verses of Job, the devil recieved permission from God to tempt him--to take his family and wealth from him. The devil struck Job with boils, and yet, he never cursed God. Job's friends and wife pleaded with him to curse God and die, to accept that he was being punished for some unseen wrongdoing, but Job refused to believe it.  He remained strong, and in the end, the Lord blessed him twofold of all that he had lost.

What struck me recently as I was reading this book of the Bible was God's incredible, unwavering faith and belief in His servant.  God allowed Satan to tempt Job, to test him, and to take away all of his earthly possessions.  He allowed him to push Job to the breaking point, because He had faith in the heart and soul of His servant.  He wasn't punishing Job.  He chose Job.  He pointed him out to Satan!  God believed in him.  He was pleased with him, and He wanted to use Job's faith and devotion as a powerful witness.   In verse 8 of chapter 1, God describes Job this way: "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil."

That description gets me every time.

I want God to describe me that way.  "Have you considered my servant Mandy?  There is no one on earth like her."  I want God to use me in a mighty way.  

I don't believe for a second that God gives us trials to punish us.  Instead, I believe that we can look at every valley as God's personal thumbs-up sign--Hey, will you walk this road for Me? I love you, I know you can do it, and I'll walk right beside you the whole way.  

Proof is in the pudding

Hello there! :)

I have several updates I've been meaning to share.  Adam was baptized a couple weeks back on a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning.   It was such a special day for us, and we were able to share it with the family and friends that we love the most.  I haven't written about the experience just yet because I thought it would be more meaningful if Adam did.  He's been working on something he'd like to share, but in the meantime, there's been a bit of a blogger drought :)

Today, I'm actually going to keep this pretty short.  We are a people of prayer, and Adam and I are coming to you once again with a prayer request.

On Sunday (yes, the 4th of July!) we are heading back up to OHSU for a mid-cycle scan to see how things are looking this month.  It's a pretty big day for us.  We are hoping to see that my body has finally figured out how this whole process works and is responding to the hormone therapy the way the doctors would like it to.  My medication from last month's cycle was doubled in dosage this time around, so it would be a huge answer to prayer to see that everything had finally come together.  We're definitely feeling anxious, and yet optimistic.  God has revealed time and time again that He is in this, and that little by little, His master plan is perfectly unfolding into a breathtaking masterpiece beyond our wildest dreams and/or expectations.  We're resting in that.

Our appointment is at 8:30 in the morning, so if you're up that early on a Sunday, we'd love to be covered in your prayers as we go in to see the doctor.   

Would you join us?

A letter to my dad

First off, Happy Father’s Day to all you dads out there!!  What a precious gift a daddy is...and what a huge, important job.  

In my life, I've been blessed with an amazing man to call my dad.  And today, I want to dedicate this entry to him.  

  

Dad, I know you read this.  I love you more than words can say.  You are a treasure

Dear Daddy,

My favorite picture of us is the first one ever taken—when I was just hours old and you were holding me under the heat lamp at the hospital.  That precious moment between daddy and daughter was forever captured in a photo, and it's one I'll treasure my whole life through.  In that moment, I’m looking up at you with big eyes full of wonderment, and you are looking down at me with the purest, most adoring look of love I have ever seen.  It melts my heart every time. 

That look of love is no stranger to me.  Throughout my life, you have always been there with that same steadfast, unconditional, adoring love.  You tell me all the time, and I know to the core of my being that I have a daddy who loves me.  Every part of me.  In every way.  For as long as I live.  There is no more precious gift that you could ever have given me. 

And today, on Father’s Day, I want you to know the same way I do that you are adored.  That you are loved more than words could ever express, and that I am endless grateful for the gift of YOU.  I'm thankful for a lot of things in my life, and you are at the top of the list.  You probably didn't hear it enough growing up, so I want to say it now.  Thank you for....

·     ...not being afraid to show me you care.  Thank you for giant bear hugs, zerbits, playful jabs and constant teasing.  Thank you for laughing with me, crying with me, and for loving me through all the ups and downs of life.

·     Thank you for protecting me.  I can’t really put into words how safe I feel when I’m with you.  There's a big, scary world out there (I find out just how true that is the older I get), but you take care of me.  I know that your arms are always there for me to run to, and there is a safety I can’t verbalize in knowing that I will always be your little girl. 

·     Thank you for supporting me.  Thank you for being proud of me.  I love that I have a daddy who loves me so much that he can’t help but share my triumphs with the entire world…your love for your family spills out into every facet of your life.

·     Thank you for being an example.  Not everyone has a dad that they can look up to as an example of who they want to be, but I sure do.  I can only hope that the woman I am is a reflection of the man you are.

·     Thank you for teaching me about my Heavenly Father.  Thank you for loving me enough to show me, through words and example, the ultimate Love of the Father.  Thank you for serving our family and for leading us in Christ. 

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

  

Thank you for being there.  Thank you for coaching my soccer team, for joining the PTA, for coaching softball, attending every single concert/event I was ever in, and for cheering louder than any other parent.

Thank you for praying with me and for me.

Thank you for providing for me.  Thank you for teaching me about managing money, planning for the future, and for making sure I always had more than I needed.

Thank you for loving my husband as if he were your own.  Thank you for adopting him right into the family.  I don’t think you’ll ever know what that means to me…

Thank you for setting an example in your marriage.  Thank you for loving my mom in a way that is transparent and vulnerable, in a way that is a constant testimony to your faith, to your devotion, and to the unconditional love you share.  Thank you for letting me see that example.

And most of all....thank you for the amazing childhood.  Thank you for making every memory one to treasure.  Thank you for the gift of family, an indescribable family, that loves in an indescribable way.

Thank you for you. 

I love you more than words can say, and this doesn't even begin to cover it.  I hope that this Father's Day, and every day after it, you will know the depth of my love and appreciation for all you've done and sacrificed for me.  

With all my love,

Your little girl

Debbie Downer

Ugh.  Today was not my favorite, and I'm going to warn you, I'm having a bit of a pity party for 1 right about now.   

I had blood drawn on Monday so that my progesterone levels could be checked, and today, I got a call from my doctor's nurse to let me know that they were extremely low.  And while this doesn't surprise us--we were expecting it based on the ultrasound findings earlier this month--it still hit me like a ton of bricks.  I sat in my office at school with tears welling up in my eyes as I talked to the nurse.  She was very kind, and like I said, this wasn't even unexpected! I guess I'm just always on the lookout for a miracle...

She gave me some information and told me she'd called in my new prescription for next month, and after I'd thanked her and was about to hang up, she paused, and said in the sweetest and most genuine voice said: "Good luck, Mandy, we're all pulling for you."  It completely touched my heart, and I could barely choke out a thank you as I struggled over the huge lump in my throat. I hung up with tears in my eyes, but gratitude in my heart.  That little piece of encouragement--from a stranger I've only ever talked to on the phone--was exactly what I needed in that moment.  God is so good to me.  He always knows just what I need and how best to give it to me.

I sat in my office with the door closed for a few minutes before I called Adam.   It's always a struggle for me when I have to call with results like that, because the moment I hear his voice I just lose it.  I start crying.  I just know how badly we want this, and I am constantly struggling with feelings of inadequacy for not being able to get the job done.  Good thing God gave me such an amazing man to call my husband, because Adam told me exactly what I already knew, but needed to hear:  I love you, you're not in this alone, there is a bigger picture here, and it WILL happen.  I know that's true, and I'm so grateful I have the husband I have to hold me through the storms.   

Okay.  Ready for the pity party?  Here it comes....

I am so looking forward to the day when I can answer a call from OHSU and hear good news.  I feel like we keep getting knocked down.  This month alone, I've been in for three ultrasounds, two blood draws, been on two different hormone therapies, and have spent over $100 on a variety of kits that we use here at home to monitor every aspect of my cycle.  And after all that, we're now back to square one, waiting another 10 days before we can start the process all over.  Boy do I ever feel like a lemon.   

I just feel like I am already fighting so hard for this baby that I have yet to meet.  And I won't stop fighting, because babies are worth waiting for.  They are the most precious gifts from above. 

So now I'll take another deep breath and remind myself we're not walking this road alone. 

The Lord replied, "The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you."

 Some days, faith comes easily.  Other days, my humanity takes over and I am consumed with worries and doubts.  On those days, faith is a conscious choice, a decision I make to keep my eyes planted firmly on God, rather than on all the commotion going on around me.  Some days it's really hard. Some days, it's only by faith that I can say through my tears,

"All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

As time passes, I know I'll be able to look back on these experiences and see how the hand of God protected, guided, and used this flame (okay, today it feels like an inferno) of life to refine us and bring about His glory.   

So today, I'm thankful for:

• The steadfast love of my Savior
• An amazing man to walk with me through life
• Family that loves on me no matter what
• Adam's Baptism Birthday...this Sunday
• The promise of what's to come  

Thanks for walking with us,

A&M

Results

We're back!

As always, we are walking away from our visit to OHSU very impressed with the doctors and nurses on staff there.  They are such a tremendously wonderful group of people who seem to truly want to help us.   We are so thankful that God placed us there....that in itself is a story, but not for today :)

Okay! I want to start with a praise!  On Sunday, we left with two very specific concerns about what we saw on the ultrasound image.  One of them was a very thin uterine lining, which is what will eventually help to nourish and protect a baby.  A thin lining would be a threat for a healthy, full-term pregnancy, and even though we aren't there yet, we definitely don't want that to be an obstacle in the future.  So...fast-forward to today.  The lining that was thin on Sunday is no longer thin--in fact, it is much thicker and healthier than we've ever seen it!  Hallelujah!  This is a good sign, and we are so thankful that we can celebrate that victory today.

The other concern, which has to do with the hormone therapy not having worked in maturing any baby-making eggs this cycle, is still valid.  The ultrasound didn't show anything new in that department, and as we all know, there can be no babies when half of the equation is MIA.  

So, to sum up what we learned today:  My lining is much improved (in just three short days!), but we will not be having any babies with a March 2011 birthday.  However, April 2011 is still on the table, and we have a whole month to pray about that one :) 

In the next week, I'll be having blood drawn to test my levels of important baby-making hormones, and based on those findings, we'll proceed with a higher does of oral hormone therapy in my next cycle.  I have to admit that it is pretty frustrating to only get one shot a month.   Now that we know my body didn't respond to this therapy, I have to wait at least another 15 days before we can try something new.  I know the incredible timing is part of the beauty of God's remarkable design, but it's still hard to wait.  Maybe another lesson I can find in all of this is patience.... :)

Before I go, I also want to take a minute to say thank you.  Adam and I have been so touched by the way so many of our friends and family have laced up their runnin' shoes to walk this road with us.  We are beyond grateful for your prayers.   We are moved by your words of encouragement.  We are humbled by your faith.   I've said this before and I'll say it again:  I don't know where this road leads, but I know God is in this, and I know He is good.

So, for now, we'll keep walking through this valley.  It's not my favorite place to be, but I don't want to miss even one second of this journey.  I can't wait to see the view once we're standing on top of the mountain! 


Until next time,
A&M

Prayer Request

I'm back with a quick prayer request:

Tomorrow, at 11:30, Adam and I will be back up at OHSU for another ultrasound to see if anything has changed since we were there on Sunday.  We are praying that the technician will see clear signs that the hormone therapy did work and that we are back on track....if only a few days late :) We are also praying for wisdom for the doctors in knowing what to do next, and a peace and calm for Adam and I as we work with the doctors.

Thank you for partnering with us in prayer!!

"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."
Psalms 145:18