A New Beginning

Dear Tuck,

Hi baby, it’s your mommy.  You and I don’t know each other yet, but your face is already so alive in my heart, and my arms are already aching to squeeze you tight in a giant bear hug.   Someday I hope you’ll read these words and know that you have been loved in every moment.  I hope you’ll know that you were always wanted, and that you were prayed for by name with conviction and passion for years before your birth.  Buddy, your story is being written as I write this.

Your big brother Blake and big sister Lainey talk about you all the time.  Blake prays for you every single night, and we ask God to protect you wherever you are.    Blake says your name in his most precious 3-year-old toddler speak, and it comes out sounding more like “Tuckwer”.  It was daddy who came up with your name.  It was when I was pregnant with your sister, and we had taken a late family walk with your big brother in the stroller.  Daddy and I were dreaming and talking about future names for our babies….and daddy, with a glimmer in his eye and a grin on his face, blurted out the name Tucker.  It was completely out of the blue.  But when I heard it pass through his lips, it was almost like the name lingered there in the still breeze of that warm summer night.  Tucker.  I knew it right away.   You, my precious one, were meant to be part of our family. 

We didn’t know then what path would lead us to you.   God has given all three of you such unique stories;  such God-breathed, beautifully written masterpieces crafted by the Creator of the Universe.    I know that God has something great in store for our littlest Breitenstein; that the plan for your life will be as masterfully written as every delicious detail and plot-twist He’s written for our family through every season of life.  Tuck, know that we’ve been searching for you.  And for a little while, we thought we’d found you.  But before that path led us to you, our precious babies were born into Heaven’s gates.   We grieved that loss completely and intimately, but daddy and I also realized right away that our loss was really just a reminder that we hadn’t found you yet.  Those little loves are your siblings, and someday we’ll all reunite on golden street with incredible shouts of joy….but God’s plan for their lives was never on Earth.  We know that.  As much as we wanted and loved them….they weren’t you.  

And we’ve been waiting for you.

When God laid your name on our hearts, it was almost like he carved a Tucker-sized hole that was literally waiting for your life to fill it—to come and make our family whole.   When we lost our last pregnancy, we prayed.  We cried.  We asked God to open the door that would lead us to you.  And Tuck, he did.   God showed up in that moment and ever so tenderly righted our feet, dusted off our shoulders, and opened the door that we know will lead us to you.

And so now we walk.  Sweet love, we’re coming for you.   Today we were assigned our caseworker, who will walk us through the early steps of your adoption.   We are adopting you as the tiniest of all babies, choosing you and carrying you in the same way I carried your brother and sister.  My love, we are ecstatic to begin walking this road to you, and yet….we’re scared, too.  We’re scared that we might walk through this process and still not find you; that we’ll come home with empty arms.   It’s a terrifying thought because we want you so desperately.  

But Tucker, daddy and I have chosen courage.  Courage to go where led and to fight for you.   We know you’re worth it.  We know God has set our feet on this path and we will walk it for Him, and we will walk it to you.   

Sometimes faith means trusting that God’s view squashes our Polaroid.  Sometimes it means boldly walking where others might not choose to go, and always it means rejecting our humanity and choosing to yield control to the One who so intimately holds us in His hands.  Tuck, sometimes faith means jumping when you can’t clearly see the landing spot.   It's a little bit terrifying, but oh what a view on the way down…and what a reward when you find yourself standing with two feet planted squarely on the mountaintop.   I think that’s what it truly means to put feet to your faith.      

So Tuck?  We’re jumping.   

Just a few hours ago, I got hopelessly lost while trying to pick up a pair of pants for your brother from someone's front porch, and as I pulled u-turns in driveways and drove up and down the same street over and over, peering at addresses and clearly searching for something very specific....Blake piped up from the backseat "What are we doing, mommy??  Are we looking for Tucker?  Is he coming home today??"

Do you see?  It's you.  We all know it.    And we won't stop until we find you.