My precious ones,
Daddy and I
have been waiting for meet you for almost four
years. In every moment of each of
those days, and long before, you have been desperately wanted. We prayed over your lives daily, we dreamt of
our life with you both in it, and we planned our future around the needs we
knew you’d have.
We loved you well, and we loved you completely.
Last week
daddy and I got the news that, rather into our arms, you have already been born
into Heaven’s gates.
Oh my loves, how our hearts broke with that news. It wasn’t our plan, it wasn’t what we wanted,
and now my arms ache with an emptiness I wasn’t fully aware of until you were
gone. I’m just missing you.
I know our
heartache is only a product of our humanity, because you two are growing up on streets of gold. I know you’re being held and loved lavishly by the Creator of the Universe,
and that thought brings such peace to my heart.
I know this Earth was never your home, and I know that our reunion is still to come. But, again….I’m just missing you. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you both,
to introduce myself as your mama and
to breathe you in for the very first time.
We’ll have an eternity
together. I know we haven’t lost either
of you.
There are
just a few lingering physical signs
of you. The fading bruise on the inside
of my elbow where they drew blood for the beta test, a full Sharps container
reminding me how daddy and I worked to prepare my body to carry you, the first picture of you on our fridge, and
today….the beginning of my period, where I will shed the lining I had hoped
would grow and sustain you both until you took your first breaths. In some ways each passing day seems to take
you further from me….and yet, I know
they are also bringing us closer together.
Last week, I took a home pregnancy test and
saw the word “pregnant” appear on the digital screen. It was early for an HPT to show a positive
result, and our fertility clinic tells us not to take them at all, and yet….I’m so glad I did. I had two days of positive pregnancy tests
before our blood test showed a negative result.
I had two days where I carried
you and knew you were there. I had two
days where we celebrated you and shared our news and rejoiced over your little lives growing inside of me. Do you know what a gift that was to us?! Our clinic told us it was a chemical
pregnancy….my body miscarried you so
early that it was almost like you were never there at all. In fact, many women have chemical
miscarriages and never even know
it. So do you see? Even through our heartache over losing you, I’m
so grateful for the gift of knowing
you. God has shown up again, as He has
in every season of this journey, to remind me that your lives are not accidental and are not given or taken by
chance. He has always held you in His
hands. And He has always held me. It was my honor to carry you, no matter the
length of time. It is and always will be
my honor to be your mommy. It’s all I ever wanted.
With every
ounce of love in my heart,
Mommy
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