Thoughtful Tuesdays

Blake will be two months old next week, and as I sit here writing this, he is sleeping in his crib. I’m listening to his sweet little sleep sounds on the monitor and thinking about how right this feels.  How normal.  How perfect.  Being Blake’s mom is the greatest honor I’ve ever had in my life, and I am in love with this little boy in a way I didn’t know was possible.  I still can’t believe that I’m someone’s mommy.  It’s an unfathomable gift. 

But I’m going to be really honest; I haven’t spent all of the past seven weeks feeling that way. 

I’ve been putting off writing this post because it’s uncomfortable, and yet, I knew from the beginning it was one I needed to write.  It’s part of my story, and because I believe that God is the author of this journey, I am choosing to step forward in faith and trust in the transparency that I believe God has called me to.  And so here we go.

When we brought Blake home from the hospital, and probably for the first two weeks of his life, a lot of the time I found myself thinking: what have we gotten ourselves into. 

I cried all the time.  For no reason. 

I was terrified to be left alone with Blake, for any amount of time.

I was incredibly clingy.  To my husband.  To my mom. 

I felt guilty for feeling the way I did.  I had prayed so hard for this baby, and God had gifted us a beautiful baby boy, and yet…I didn’t feel happy.  I didn’t feel fulfilled.  I didn’t feel like I loved him as much as I should.   There were times I wished I could just walk away.  Put things back to the way they were before Blake came into our lives.

Is it as shocking for you to read that as it was for me to feel it? 

I didn’t know what to do.  I had certainly not expected to feel that way, and I certainly didn’t want to feel that way.  I had felt like I knew Blake so intimately while he was in the womb, and yet, here was this baby in my arms that felt like a total stranger.  I didn’t feel bonded to him.  I didn’t know him. 

I was so sure that God was angry with me, that He must be looking down on me and seeing an ungrateful woman who had just been given the greatest desire of her heart and yet didn’t have the grace to rejoice in it.  I felt like I was letting down my God.  I felt like hiding, and I just didn’t feel like me.  I spent many nights crying, feeling absolutely alone and scared. 

Looking back now, it’s hard to even relate to those feelings I was having.  I had so much support, and yet I just couldn’t see it.  My husband was incredible.  He was supportive in ways that I never would have expected, and reaffirmed for me time and time again that his love was intentional and unequivocal.  He loved me for me.  He understood.  He never judged.  He listened and held me.  He loved me and just wanted me to be okay.

My parents were also beyond amazing.  For the first three weeks of Blake’s life, we went to their house every night for dinner.  They would spend time with Blake, letting us take a nap, or even go on a few mini dates to give us some time to ourselves.  They never judged.  They listened.  My mom assured me I was normal.  She held me and told me what a great mom I was, that she could see it even if I couldn’t, and that someday soon these feelings would go away and I would be able to enjoy this new life we had been given as a family of three.

I clung to those words, but they just weren’t enough.  I still felt empty, and scared, and alone.  It wasn’t until a few days later, while I was sitting on my bed crying while Blake screamed in Adam’s arms in the living room, that something my mom said to me finally hit home.

She told me to let Him lead. 

She reminded me of the relationship I already had with my Savior. 

And for some reason, just that simple reminder changed everything.

I got down on my knees and put my face on the floor.  With tears streaming down my cheeks, I begged God to lead me.  To mold me into the woman He would have me be in order to raise this little boy He had given us.  I prayed for His peace, for His mercy, and for Him to fill me with the joy that comes from being somebody’s mom.  I so desperately wanted to feel that joy. 

I stayed that way for quite some time, being still and leaning in to hear His voice.  And it was in those moments of stillness that I felt His perfect peace.  I felt the intimacy of the relationship that I have with my Savior.  I felt His love pour over me, and I felt the reassurance that He loved me.  That I was His child, His precious little girl, and His love for me was absolute and unwavering.  I didn’t have to feel alone.  I didn’t have to feel scared.  He had given me the gift of Blake, and He would equip me with everything I needed to be the mother He had made me to be.  I knew in that moment that God had intended Blake for me, and maybe even more powerfully, that He had intended me for Blake, since the beginning of time.  Our lives were entwined in God’s master plan, and I could never be the woman God intended me to be without Blake..  Suddenly, I felt like I knew him a little bit more.

For me, that night was a turning point.  There were still moments and days that I would struggle, but the struggles were different because my attitude had changed.   I wasn’t trying to just survive, instead, I was leaning in, I was letting God lead and I was finding absolute joy in the new role He had given me as Blake’s mommy.    

Today, I look back and know that a lot of what I was feeling was Post-Partum Blues (not to be confused with Post-Partum Depression), which is caused by a hormone dump that occurs after delivery.   I had an especially tough delivery (which I’ll share should I ever get the birth story written) and had a lot of recovering of my own to do in those first few weeks. I was struggling to cope with all the changes all on my own. I wanted to control everything around me. 

I know, after the past two years, I really should know better.  Clearly, I’m still learning to surrender.

So why am I sharing?

Because I wanted to document the grace.  I’m so imperfect, my heart so human, and my walk so tenuously tied to the things of this earth.  How easily I forget.  How easily I stumble.  It reminds me of a DC Talk Song: will the love continue, when my walk becomes a crawl?

I think that’s a question we all ask ourselves.  It’s easy to beat ourselves up for stumbling.  It’s easy to feel like we’re unworthy of the grace. 

I felt that way during the first few weeks of Blake’s life.

But Christ died for the sinners. 

He died for the unworthy. 

His love transcends and reaches us where we are. He accepts us as His own and His grace covers our insecurities and our imperfections perfectly.  Isn’t that powerful?  As believers, our strength doesn’t come from us.  It comes from a reliance on the grace of our Savior King. 

And so I write this post knowing full well that my walk is imperfect, that my faith is imperfect….and that I’m forgiven, loved, and accepted anyway.

Today I look at my little boy and I can’t even fathom those feelings I had early on.  I can’t even imagine not knowing this little one, and not having him in my life.  That's grace. 

I hear You whispering my name, You say "My love for You will never change"

Blake Louis

Blake Louis arrived at 8:40PM on Thursday, August 18th.  After 13 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing, he came out screaming, weighing 10 pounds 7 ounces and measuring 22 inches long.  He is perfect. 

Blake at one day old

 

 

 

Blake at 6 days old.  Tomorrow he will be ONE WEEK old.  Oh my.

 And now...I leave you with some ridiculous cuteness:

That is one adorable little guy.

Sorry to take so long for the update :)  Life has been BUSY with a newborn.  We're loving every minute, even the hard ones.  We are feeling so blessed!!  

Back (hopefully) soon with more updates and pictures of our baby boy!

DIY Pillow Duvet

So a few minutes ago, I tackled a little DIY project that I think will be aesthetically pleasing for our living room AND highly functional for our lifestyle.  Win-win. 

I've been wanting some new pillows for our couch forever.  But pillows run anywhere between $9.99 and upwards of $30 a pop.  And I'm way too cheap for that.  And, I'm seriously picky about what I want.  And, we have two dogs who are allllll over our couches on any given day.  And....I just didn't want to spend that much on something that will be transformed into a dog bed in less than a week.   

I had considered (and thought I was going to) just make a few new pillows with some inexpensive fabric and pillow forms.  But.....pillow forms are expensive too.  And between those and the fabric, I could have just bought them readimade.

So, that got me thinking.

I really only wanted new pillows to use as an accent to the green curtains that I hung up last week.  And honestly, we only have the accent pillows ON the couches when we have company over (or when I'm taking pictures for the blog....guilty as charged).  Otherwise, they're usually in a sloppy neat pile on the floor.   So it seemed silly to spend that much for something we don't really use every day. 

And then it hit me.  I didn't need to actually buy new pillows....I just needed to transform the old!

I made a quick trip to Hancock Fabrics and picked up a yard and a half of fabric, came home and got down my sewing machine, and set to work.  Our pillows started out looking like this:

Yuck.


But by the end, they looked like this. 

Much better.

What did I do? I just slip-covered them!  Think a duvet, but for pillows.  Took about 10 minutes per pillow, and when all was said and done, I was able to recover four of my existing pillows with a yard and a half of fabric that cost me a total of $12.00.  I may or may not have done a little happy dance around the living room.

I'm especially thrilled with this solution for two reasons:
1. The slipcovers are removable and can be easily washed.  This is wonderful news for a household with two dogs, a cat, and a new baby on the way.
2. On an ordinary day at home, or on a day when we won't be home and the couches will be overtaken by two lazy, dirty dogs...we can just opt to take the covers off and let them lounge all over the old pillows.  Then, if we are having guests over or entertaining later in the evening, we can slip them back on for a more finished, refined look.

I'm in love!  I still have about four more pillows to cover, but since my little experiment turned out so well....that will be tomorrow's project!

Redeemed

I spent about an hour one morning this week reading back through my posts from the last couple of years.  I ended my little trip down memory lane with big, fat tears running down my face.

Happy tears. 

Maybe that's so significant for me today because it hasn't always been the case.  So many of the tears I've cried throughout this journey have been tears of deep, profound sadness.  Tears of longing.  Tears of heartache.  Tears cried out of fear.  Tears that streamed down my face as I drove with the radio blasting, asking why, asking how and desperately pleading for an answer to my pain.

Well, now I have my answer.  The answer is, and always has been, Blake.  This little boy is the child God has been preparing us for.  This is the child that God knew, during every dark day, would someday be the one we'd have in our arms.  I can hardly wrap my head around the magnitude of that.  I can so clearly remember the heartache, the fear and sadness, but it's overshadowed tenfold by how God redeemed that heartache.  My timing was imperfect; my pleading so often in vain.  And you know what?  I wouldn't have had it any other way, because if I had gotten what I wanted when I wanted it, I would never have carried this precious little boy that God has intended for me since the beginning of time. 

The sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes with the morning.

It's absolutely humbling to look back now and see how God has worked in our lives and given us this story.  I once wrote about being in a desert, and about Adam and my commitment to preparing our fields for the harvest that we believed God was going to send.   Now, here we are, standing in a glorious downpour, and all I can think to do is raise my hands in praise to the One who has transformed our lives in such a tangible, real way.  There aren't words for the joy we feel.  There aren't words for the love that we have for the baby God has gifted us with. 

So many of you have asked me questions about infertility, or in vitro, or simply reached out and shared your own story of longing and loss.  Sometimes I hear your stories and it leaves me speechless, because the pain you feel is so tangible.  I can feel it.  I can remember it.   I know the pain of infertility is unlike anything else in life.  It's like being in a choke-hold.  It's hard to even breathe without being reminded of the heartache.  It's overwhelming. 

But I also know that God will redeem your heartache.  The desire to be a momma is God-breathed.  It's a promise written on your heart by the One who made you.  I believe that.   The path to motherhood looks different for all of us, but I know that we serve a God who will never leave or forsake you.  Your heartache is not forgotten.  Your story isn't over yet.

I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion 

Philippians 3:6 

If the Bible says it, we can believe it. 

For Adam and I, our story isn't over yet either.  Our journey to Blake was beautiful, it was perfect, and it was truly just the beginning.  We don't know where the rest of our journey will take us, but we do know that we are committed to walking this road with hearts full of thanksgiving and faithfulness.  How could we not?  God has already shown us so clearly that His plan is so much better than anything we could have dreamed up on our own. 

And for all of you who are knee-deep in the muck of your own journey?  I want to encourage you not to be weighed down.  Lift your eyes up to the hills!  Where does your help come from? Your help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth (Psalms 121).  There's really no one better to have on your team. 

37 Weeks

Well, we made it!  As of yesterday, Blake is officially full term.  It is such a relief to know that anything unexpected happening at this point, like, say my water breaking, is okay and normal.  And he'd be okay to come.

Thank you, Lord, for protecting our precious little boy throughout this entire pregnancy.  We continue to pray for his protection as we welcome him into the world!!

And speaking of welcoming him....our doctor says anytime!  I am progressing nicely.  I'm effaced, but not dilated yet.  Our doctor says things can change fast between weeks 37 and 40, so we just don't know.  We're on baby watch.  We go back on Tuesday to see how things are looking....

Would you pray with us now for the safe delivery of our little boy?  To God be ALL the glory for this miracle baby!  We are so in love.

I'll leave you with a bare belly shot of me at 37 weeks.  Please ignore the fact that I haven't taken a shower and I have no make-up on.

August

Well, it's August.  And you know what that means.....


.....BLAKE IS ALMOST HERE!!!!

I can barely contain my excitement.   I can't wait to kiss this those soft little cheeks and look into the precious little baby eyes that are half of me and half of the man I love.   I can't wait to tell him how much I love him, or witness those first few moments when the doctor hands our little man to his daddy and says here's your son.  I can't wait to see the way Adam will look at him, and I can't wait for Adam to bring him over to me and for us to experience those first few moments as a family of three.  I just can't wait.

Adam woke me up this morning with a kiss, a smile, and a "Happy August, baby....did you know that we're having our baby this month?"  

I love that man.

We have our next doctor's appointment tomorrow, and we'll hear the game plan.  A lot depends on whether Blake Louis has decided to flip, stay, and engage.  If not, we need to talk about our options.  As much as I want him to just flip already, I also feel very at peace about the whole thing.  God has protected this little boy from the moment of his conception, before that really, and I have confidence in placing this situation in His able hands.  We'll get him out safely, one way or the other, and that's all that matters.

While we wait for Blake's birthday to arrive, we'll be keeping ourselves plenty busy.  August is jam-packed.  Here's our rundown:

1.  Blake hits full term this Wednesday, the 3rd, and Adam and I are celebrating with a date night.  We're pretty well aware that our just the two of us nights will be quickly coming to a close, and while we're thrilled for the implications of that, we're also committed to savoring these last few weeks where we have the freedom to do as we please and enjoy each other.

2. This weekend (the 6th) Adam and I are throwing a shower for his brother and fiance, who are getting married on the 19th.  It should be lots of fun!  I love throwing parties, and this one should be beautiful.  I'm going with a bright, summery color palette and doing a dessert bar.   I think the shower will be pretty well-attended, so I'm just planning a couple games and keeping the whole thing low key.  I've been inspired by Pinterest...surprise, surprise. 

3. We have about a billion birthdays to celebrate in the month of August.  Several of our good friends have birthdays at the beginning of August, and then we have my grandpa turning 92 on the 16th and my brother turning 28 on the 19th.  This means lots of cake, which equals one happy pregnant lady.

4.  As I mentioned before, Adam's younger brother is getting married on the 19th.  Adam is the best man.  That's literally days away from Blake's due date, and if he's not already here, we'll be just about as close as we can get.  We've been giving Blake some pep talks to make sure he knows the 19th isn't a good choice for a birthday (it's already his Uncle Tony's bday, and his other Uncle will be busy getting married...)

In addition to all that, we've still got our Baby To-Do list that keeps getting things added to it.  I think I'll post it sometime this week to help keep us accountable, ha! :)

Tomorrow, I'll be checking a big item off the list when I make and freeze 13 dinners for after Blake gets here.  Freezer meals are my new obsession.   I'm so curious to see how they'll work, and if they'll be convenient for a busy family.  Stay tuned!

This, that, and everything else

I should apologize for being such a bad blogger. 

There’s really no excuse, especially since it’s summer and I’m just sitting at home.  Well, let me back up.  I haven't exactly been sitting at home; I’ve been busy…but more on that later.   

Anyway, the real reason for the lack of posts is because it’s gotten a bit awkward to type on my laptop.  I usually sit on the couch with my laptop on my legs and type away, but as my belly gets bigger it becomes more of a balancing act to get both hands on the keyboard while still keeping the laptop secured on my legs. 

Tricky. 

Anyway, here's my attempt at a quick catch up:

My biggest piece of news is a huge answer to prayer: I got a job!  Tuesday morning I applied  for a position with the educational foundation associated with the district where I preciously taught, Tuesday afternoon I got a call for an interview, Thursday I had a phone interview, and then today I met the woman hiring and she offered me the position on the spot!  God is so good.  

I will be working as an after-school instructor in the district for the foundation’s at-risk youth program.  It’s four days a week, 3 hours a day with an optional fourth hour (not sure if we’ll go for that or not) working in the schools with groups of 6-12 students.  As a teacher, I was a salaried employee, but this position pays close to what my per diem rate would have been in my salaried position.  It’s an absolute answer to prayer.  We knew that I wasn't looking for a 20-hour-a-week part time job, simply because we are embracing the opportunity God has gifted us with for me to be at home with our baby.  This, however, works out to just about 12 hours a week and is in the late afternoon when Blake can be taken care of by his daddy, my mom, or my dad (in fact, his grandparents are in negotiations over who gets to adjust their work schedule in order to be the lucky caregiver for their grandbaby).   And for me, I only have to be away from my baby for 3 hours.  AND…the position doesn’t start until October.  Perfect. 

We are just so in awe of how God has, once again, provided.  We’ll still be pretty tight monetarily, but this extra income gives us just enough to make us feel more comfortable, and it uses my skill set and keeps my resume current.  We are so thankful. 

Now, onto the fun stuff!

First of all, I have some shower photos to share. 

The first was a few weeks ago, thrown by my mom for some of my girlfriends.  She went all out.  It was absolutely amazing.  Check out this food spread:

Are those not the cutest things?!  She made these from scratch.  My mom is amazing!  The shower had a jungle theme, and all of the food had an appropriately-themed name.  Can anyone tell my mom's a teacher???  So creative :)

Next was my fourth and last shower, which was two weekends ago.  Blake was spoiled once again! 

"Pee Pee Tee Pees" from my Aunt...hilarious

My Grandma embroidered the edges of these receiving blankets!  So precious!!

The BEAUTIFUL, handmade quilt my mom sewed for Blake.  What a precious gift!!!

My Grandma and I!

Adam and I feel so fortunate to have the amazing friends and family that we do.  Prepping for a baby is expensive, and overwhelming, and it is only by the grace of God that we have found ourselves surrounded by such generous people who are willing and wanting to support us and Blake through this season.  We have felt SO loved, and just hope that these precious people know how much we love them, too!! 

Lastly, I wanted to share some more maternity photos.  As I blogged before, we had some professional photos taken by KC Photography, and we got our prints back last week!  We LOVE them!  I love how they capture this special time in our lives.  This set of maternity pictures was taken around 30 weeks:

We were ALSO blessed to have some additional maternity photos taken by a dear friend of my mom’s, who is an extremely talented photographer and offered to take the photos for free.  Have I mentioned how abundantly blessed we are?!  Shelly was so easy to work with, and the pictures turned out absolutely breathtaking.  We are so grateful for these pictures to look back on to remember our miracle baby and pregnancy.  This set of pictures was taken around 34 weeks. 

Today, I'm 36.5 weeks along and anxiously awaiting our 37 week (FULL TERM) appointment on Tuesday!  Blake is literally days away from being able to come anytime he pleases.  Bags will be packed by Tuesday and carseats will be installed!  It's officially time for baby watch!!