Sweet Shannon,

I’ve started and stopped this letter at least a dozen times today.   I just can’t seem to get it right.  For someone who prides herself in being a ‘words girl’…..there just aren’t any.  Not for this.  Breast cancer shouldn’t claim the life of such a beautiful, vibrant, 27-year old.  The only word I have is speechless.  

I’ve spent the day remembering you.   Thinking back through all the seasons of our friendship, and reliving all the moments we shared together as friends.  I let my mind linger on the sound of your voice, your laugh, and your passion for life.  

I still can’t believe I’m writing this. I can’t believe you’re gone.

For the past 16 months, I watched you fight.  I watched you go through horrific chemotherapy treatments that left you sick and your body weak.  I watched you lose your hair.  I watched you go through things that the rest of us cannot even fathom having to endure, and my friend, I was truly inspired by your courage.  You fought.  You faced cancer with a dignity and a strength that far surpassed your years.    You never let cancer define you.  You never once complained.  Courage.  For me, that word will always be synonymous with Shannon Brahmer.

You were there to watch my family grow from two to four, and you were always there to check in on or celebrate with me as life unfolded through each season.   I’ll never forget how you were texting to check in on me as we went through our second IVF—you checking on me when you’d just found out that you had cancer and your own family would have to be put on hold.   You’ll never know what that meant to me.   I was in awe of you then, and as I watched you battle each day with such determination and resolve….I was even more in awe.  Incredible doesn’t even begin to define you.  I will never forget the lessons in friendship that I found in watching you live your life.  You have always been selfless.  You have always poured love into everyone around you.  The loss of your gentle, sweet spirit has left a hole that simply cannot be filled. 

It has been my great honor and privilege to call myself your friend.  My heart is bigger and more full because you touched it, and for as long as I live, there will be a Shannon-sized hole where I will forever carry your memory. 

I love you, sweet friend.  Thank you for the beautiful ways you impacted my life.  Thank you for being an example of strength, and dignity, and love. 

I’ll never, ever forget.

Lainey Rose: Four Months

Well Miss. Lainey Rose, you are now FOUR months old!  How did this happen?!  I blinked and now here we are.  What an incredible four months with you in the world, baby girl.  Here’s what you’ve been up to this month:

• You now weigh 14 pounds and are 25.5 inches long.  You’re in the 50^th percentile for weight, 90^th for height, and 10^th for height/weight combined.  You are still our long and lean baby girl

• You still wear mainly 6 month clothing, although you can wear 3 month pants and shirts too.   3 month onesies are too short on you because you’re so long!  There are a few 9 month outfits I’ve put you in recently and they seem to fit pretty well too.

• You take two good naps a day—I think we’ve finally hit our groove!  You now nap from 9:30-11:30 and then again from 1-3 in the afternoon.  You are just the best little sleeper baby girl!

• You and Blake are now taking baths together, which you both love!  Blake will pour water over your tummy while daddy washes your hair, and you’ll smile and coo at him the whole time. 

• Our bedtime routine is usually a bottle at 7, bath, and then bed.  Daddy and I think you’re ready to start adding in a storytime before bed, so that will probably be something we start this month!  You sleep until between 6-6:30 in the morning—rockstar sleeper!!

• This month we brought out the jumperoo, and you LOVE it!  You jump pretty well in it, which I don’t remember Blake doing until he was quite a bit older!  I got an adorable video of you jumping the other day.  You thought you were SUCH big stuff.

• Still smiling all.the.time.  Baby girl, that smile of yours lights up a room.  And your dimple!  Goodness.  I don’t know where you got it, but it just kills me. 

• I’ve gotten a few belly laughs out of you this month, but nothing consistent.   You’ll giggle at me when I kiss your toes or play ‘this little piggy’ with you, which I think is pretty adorable, and I am so looking forward to being able to hear that sweet little laugh more often!  Daddy is also very anxious, because he hasn’t been able to get a giggle out of you yet

• About a week ago, you started grabbing at toys!  Right now, you really love your little bear blanket that goes in your carseat with you.  I love looking back in the rear view mirror to see you literally stuffing your face with that teddy bear.  Your little eyes are just so focused and so concentrated on getting  your hands to work for you.  Love watching you learn!!

• You rolled once from back to tummy this month, which was exciting!  You’ll often roll yourself onto your side. 

• You are so well behaved no matter where we go.  It is so easy to take you places!  I just love looking down at you in the cart and seeing those bright eyes staring back at me.  As soon as you catch my eye, you’ll smile big and wide and that little dimple pops out on your right cheek. Love you so much princess!

It seems like four months have passed in the blink of an eye.  I read back through your previous monthly posts, and its shocking to me how quickly you’ve grown and changed.  I spend every single day with you, but it isn’t until I take the time to reflect on all the days past that I realize how much of your little life has already gone by.  Oh baby girl, do you have any idea how much you are loved?  This summer with you has been the best of my life.  I cannot tell you how much joy it brings me to spend my days loving on my sweet baby girl and her big brother.  You two are my heart and soul.   God has blessed our family with riches far greater than anything that could be measured by the standards of this world.  Our greatest value is found in one another.  As hard as is it for my mama heart to realize how quickly your infancy is passing, I’m also so excited to experience the fullness and richness of each season with you.   Never forget Lainey.  Never forget that you have been loved every moment of every day. 

All my love, sweet girl

Your Mama

Lainey Rose: Three Months

Baby girl, you turned THREE months old over the weekend!  That means we are officially ¼ the way through your first year of life. Really not sure how that happened so fast!

We’ve had such an incredible month with you little one.  You’ve grown and changed and filled our lives with more joy than we knew was possible.   I have a feeling I’ll be saying that every month, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Here’s what you are up to:

• ·     You are SQUEALING!  It’s the most joyful sound I’ve ever heard.  You are just so full of happiness.  You’ll lie on your back and coo and coo and then just start squealing and smiling and kicking your feet.  So precious.  I had one of those moments (the kind that will forever  be filed away in the memory banks of my heart) yesterday when we were at  your Great Grandma Mary’s house celebrating her 85^th birthday.  I was sitting on the floor with you, Blake was climbing on the couch behind me, and your daddy was sitting in a chair a few feet away.  You were just so happy and so talkative.  Blake was reading a book to himself and flashing you cheesy grins every now and then, and my heart was just overflowing. With gratitude.  With love.  With such an intense feeling of contentment.  It felt like we had arrived.  There we were, a happy, healthy family of four enjoying each other and the people we love.  I never realized just how much was missing from that picture until you arrived. You have filled in a piece of our family puzzle that was vital to the whole picture.  I can’t even tell you how loved you are.  There aren’t words.

• ·     The story of your third month of life has been thrush.  Holy cow, little one.  Very shortly after you turned 2 months old we noticed a white coating all over your tongue.  That quickly spread to the insides of your cheeks and back of your lips, and by the time daddy and I realized what it was, it was a pretty bad case of thrush.  You’ve been to the doctor a handful of times, we’ve tried every medication that’s available, and you still have it.  The anti-fungal medication we use drastically reduced it, so now there’s just a few small patches that we can’t seem to get rid of.  Daddy and I are just waiting on your immune system to figure it out at this point.

•       I’m now exclusively pumping for you and you take bottles.  You drink 6 ounces, five times a day.  The initial switch to bottle feeding came after we treated your thrush initially with something called gentian violet.  Unfortunately for you, you are in the 1-5% of all babies who are allergic to this medication…and it gave you mouth ulcers all over the inside of your cheeks, roof of your mouth, and down the back of your throat.  Broke my heart!  It was horrible.  It hurt you to breastfeed, or really to eat in general, so you refused.  We were able to coax you to drink a bottle by walking around the house bouncing and distracting you, and well….that was the beginning of the end of breastfeeding. After your ulcers healed, you did return to breastfeeding, but when the thrush wouldn’t go away I stopped again thinking that maybe you were somehow getting it from me.  Now you just prefer bottles.  And I’m just happy you’re eating and gaining weight so well, so I’m happy to do whatever works the best for you  

• You weigh 13 pounds and are still wearing size 1 diapers.  Although, we rarely put you in disposables since your cloth diapered bottom is so darn adorable!  You’re wearing mostly 6 month clothes, although I can still put you in 3 month things. 

• You love your brother, and he loves you right back!  He loves to help you when your pacifier falls out of your mouth, and he loves to mimic all the sounds that you make.  And little one, you adore him.   Every once in a while we bathe you two together at night, and every time we do you grin from ear to ear at him in the tub.  Your daddy and I think this is just precious, because on the nights you take a bath by yourself, we are hard pressed to get a smile out of you.  I love your sweet relationship with Blake and hope you always look up to him!

• You giggled at mommy for the first time this month!  I was smiling and cooing and playing peekaboo with you lying on your play mat, and you gave me the brightest most beautiful smile and let out an adorable little giggle. Melted my heart baby girl!  I called daddy right away to brag on the fact that I got your first giggle.  He was pretty jealous ;) Since then, you’ve giggled a few more times and I think it is the sweetest sound.

• I have been so proud of you this month as we’ve taken you out and about.  You do so well.  You just love to be out and about and give out smiles so easily.  Everyone loves you.  I just cannot get over what a beautiful smile you have.  It lights up your whole face and my heart just swells.  I cannot get enough of you baby girl!

• You are still my rockstar sleeper! We feed you your last bottle at 7PM, then put you in the bath and in bed.  You’re usually in bed by 7:30 and sleep straight through until 6AM.  Naps during the day are hit or miss.  You usually take your morning nap really well, from 9-11, but your afternoon nap usually involves me going into your room at least a dozen times to put your pacifier back in your mouth.  Or, on days like today, more like a hundred times.  HA!

• You are kind of over lying on your back, but love to sit up in your bumbo, be carried on my hip, or sit up in your Combi car!  I’ll admit, seeing you in that car brings back so many memories of your big brother.  It was one of his favorites too! :)

• Your reflux is still ridiculous.  Ridiculous.  You spit up so much, so often.  Daddy and I cannot wait for you to grow out of that.  It’s just so horrible.  I keep you in bibs all the time, unless you’re in your crib.  We easily go through 10 bibs a day as you soak them.  Like I said, horrible. 

• You’ve rolled over a few more times from your tummy to your back, but still not consistently.  You seem to surprise yourself when you flip over!

• You are starting to bat at your toys on your play mat and things I hold in front of your face.  You'll also wave toys around that I put in your hands, but you usually look at me like I'm crazy when I do that.  Once in a while you'll bring a toy I've given  you to your mouth for a little exploration, so I don't think it will be long before you're into all your fun toys!  I can't wait baby girl, because you have the cutest little girl toys!!

What an incredible little girl you are, Lainey Rose.  I spend each day excited for the next moment we’ll spend together.  You have filled our lives with such joy.  I hope you never forget how cherished you are.  Before you were born I worried about how I would love another baby the same way that I loved your big brother….oh but sweet girl if I had only known.  The love was there the moment you were born.  It grew.  I can’t even remember what life was like without you, and each day my heart falls more and more hopelessly in love with the precious little girl that you are.  We are so blessed by our you, our little Lainey Rose.  I cannot wait to see how God will use his little bright light to do great things for His kingdom.  I pray for it every single day sweet girl!  

We love you endlessly.  Forever and ever.

-     ~ Your Mama 

Lainey Rose: Two Months

Dear Lainey Rose,

You officially turned two months old today!  What fun we have had this month with you!  We've celebrated my 28th birthday, Mother's Day, and your Grandpa Dal Ponte's birthday.  So many firsts for you :)

Here’s what you are up to this month:

You’ve decided that the car seat is just not your thing.  You don’t like to nap in your car seat, and you don’t like to ride it in.  Period.   In the last few days, though, you’ve thrown us a few bones and done better.  I’ve glanced back at you in the mirror and seen you looking out the window contentedly…so maybe we’re on the upswing with this one! J

Your newborn cry is all but gone.  It makes me a little bit sad that we’ve moved past that, because it just means that that first phase of your life is coming to a close.  It sure does go by fast.

You love your bouncy seat and your play gym!  Your play gym has lights and sounds that absolutely mesmerize you, and you love to talk and smile up at them during play time.

You are so smiley, little love!  Your smiles are big and bright and absolutely melt this mama’s heart.  You have a dimple on your left cheek that I cannot.stop.staring at because it is just the most precious thing ever.  I’ve never met a baby with a smile as beautiful as yours.  You literally smile with your whole face—your smiles are wide open and your eyes light up and sparkle. Did I mention that it melts my heart? J

The second month of your life has brought us an explosion of baby coos!  There is nothing I love more than when you lock eyes with me, give me the biggest, brightest smile and then start talking to me with those sweet baby coos.  You are so very expressive with your voice!  I’ll talk to you and you’ll talk back.  You make me feel like the most important person in the world, and those moments with you are some of my very favorite.  I’ll treasure them my whole life through.  I just love you more than words can say.

We’ve been out and about a bit more this month, and you truly do SO well.  You love to look out and observe everything around you, and you hardly ever fuss.  You’re content to just be held and look around.  You make it so easy. 

You’re still a bit of a peanut because of your severe reflux.   We were at the doctor a lot this month trying to get that under control.  Baby girl, you still spit up more than I even knew was possible.  We’ve switched your reflux meds a few times, cut soy and dairy out from my diet, given you probiotics, and even taken you in for an abdominal ultrasound (to make sure your tummy was formed correctly) to see if we could help you out. Nothing made a huge impact, but everything combined seems to have helped a bit. Your doctor just told us that the plan is to manage it as best we can until you grow out of it…so that’s exactly what we are doing!

Because of your reflux, weight gain has been hard for you.  You had to go in for weight checks about every third day until you were 6 weeks old.  You consistently gain about ½ an ounce a day, which is about half of what your doctor would like to see you gain.  But, because you’re consistent, you seem to have found a growth curve and have done well sticking to it!  As long as that continues, we’re happy to let you grow at your own pace.

At your two month check-up, you weighed in at 11.1 pounds and were just shy of 25 inches.  That puts you in the upper 90^th percentile for length and just about the 50^th for weight. You are our long and lean little princess!

Because of how long you are, you fit very nicely into 6 month clothes.  Your 3 month clothes are all too short and I’m not able to button them!  It’s funny to me that you can be so little, and still wear clothes two sizes bigger than you actually are!

Daddy and I dedicated you and Blake at our church on Mother’s Day.  That was a very special day for our family, and a very special day for daddy and I.  We stood before our church family and made a promise to do our best to raise you up into a woman who knows and loves God.  We promised to be an example for you, in words and deeds, of the great Love of the Father.  Truly, little one, there is no greater gift than daddy and I can give you in this life.  It has been, and continues to be, our greatest prayer.  That you will grow into a woman who loves the Lord with all her heart, and all her soul, and all her mind.  You were created to do great things.  We aren’t perfect people, and God has given us these roles in your life for a very specific purpose..and it is our deepest desire to be faithful to that.

Your big brother continues to be your biggest fan!  He LOVES you.  He loves to climb up on the couch, pat his knees, and proclaim “SIT! Lainey, sit!” until I put you down next to him. He is SO serious when you are sitting with him. He is so still, so aware of the fact that his baby sister is so near to him.  He is so very gentle and careful with you, and it melts my heart.  When you cry, he looks up at me with big, sorrowful  eyes and says, “Lainey sad?”  He just adores you.  The relationship the two of you are building now is so precious to me, and will be one of the most important relationships of your entire life.  Trust me on this one, baby girl.  Your Uncle Tony is one of my most treasured friends. 

I went back to work teaching kindergarten part-time this month.  You and your brother spend four hours each morning with your Grandma.  You have done SO well!   We are so blessed and so thankful that you have such a wonderful  grandma who is able and willing to watch you and your brother.  I’m always so excited to come pick you up at noon!

You are sleeping so well!  We start bedtime at about 7:30 every night, and you’re generally in bed by 8.  You still put yourself to sleep, which we know is incredible, and sleep until about 3AM.  I feed you in our room and you’re usually back in bed, sleeping, about half an hour later.

During the day, you take 2-3 naps.  Usually one from about 7-9,then again from 10:30-noon, and one last afternoon nap at the same time as your brother—around 1:30- or so.  Naps vary from day to day in how successful we are.  You always take them very well, as in you will very happily stay in your crib and entertain yourself for the full 1.5 hours, but you don’t always sleep.  On those days, you’re a bit crankier come bedtime J  But we are so very thankful that you are so easygoing and happy!

You ROLLED OVER from your tummy to your back twice this month!  How crazy is that?! It happened twice—both on the same night—when you were 6 weeks old.  You haven’t done it since, but to see you actually roll over totally floored me.  Your big brother didn’t even attempt that until he was almost 6 months!! 

 

 

Little Lainey Rose, we have loved this month with you in our lives!  You fill a void in our family that we didn’t know existed until you arrived.  Now that you’re here, we cannot imagine what life was like before you.  You are our treasure.  God has blessed our family so tremendously, and we try every day to never take that blessing for granted.  You are perfect, and so very loved. Do I tell you that enough?  When you lock eyes with me, there is incredible recognition reflected back at me from those baby blues.  You know me.  I find that so incredible.  We’re connected in such a tangible way, and that realization still takes my breath away. No one else on this earth gets to call you their daughter, and I am the blessed woman who you will one day call mama.  I can’t wait for the next moment with you, baby girl.  Here’s to a lifetime of them. 

 
Love forever and always,
Your Mama

Lainey Rose: 1 Month

Well Miss. Lainey, this is the first letter I’ve ever written to you with you in the world!  Hard to believe I’m already sitting down to write your 1 month post.  Your first four weeks have been faster than any I’ve ever known.

Lainey Rose, you are precious.  Daddy and I look at you and see everything that we love the most in this world—there is so much of your big brother in that sweet face, and yet there are so many details that are simply yours alone.  You have the sweetest dimple on your left cheek that lights up your face when you smile. I melt every time I see it. Your eyes are a murky blue that seem to search us out wherever we are.  Your perfect fingers and toes are long and lean—piano fingers—and grasp onto mine with a gentle intensity that reminds me just how connected we are.  You and me.  Your skin is the color of honey, and so smooth.  Your pouty lips pucker when you’re asleep in my arms, and that sweet little nose is so perfectly shaped to fit onto your little round face.  You are just perfect.  Loving knit together by the Creator of the Universe.  Every details literally takes my breath away.  We are in awe of you, Lainey Rose.  I cannot stop staring at my beautiful baby girl, and each day the intensity of my love for you grows.    

Here’s what you’ve been up to this month:

·       Your big brother loves you!  The first thing he asks for when he gets up in the morning is his “La-ne? La-ne?”  He loves to go into your room and peek at you in your crib.  He’s a big helper when I change your diaper, he retrieves your binky and (shoves) it in your mouth (..and then takes it back out and puts it in HIS mouth) and he LOVES to pat your back and say “shhh” when you’re angry about something.  He also loves holding you.  The first time he held you, his eyes got so big and he was so very gentle with you in his arms.  As soon as I picked you up, his little eyebrows furrowed and he furiously patted his legs, exclaiming “SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!”  I think that was his way of saying he wasn’t done cuddling you yet ;) The relationship I already see you two development is absolutely precious to this mama, and I hope that you always share that special bond that can only exist between a brother and a sister. 

·       You are a great sleeper!  Since your very first day in the world, you’ve slept 4-5 hour stretches at night.  As of right now, your longest stretch is 6 hours and we wake you up to eat!  In your second month of life, we’ll start letting you sleep as long as you want.  Big brother slept through the night at 6 weeks…we’ll see what you’re planning!

·       You are a very content little girl.  In the early weeks of your life, you would show your unhappiness with a fussy little newborn cry that was so sorrowful that it broke mama’s heart.  But that didn’t last long, and these days we really don’t hear you cry much at all!  After I feed you, you love to be awake and looking around at everything around you.  I can set you on your play mat and you’ll lie there for 20 minutes or so—just kicking your little feet and waving your arms.  Blake usually gets down on the floor with you and talks to you.  It’s precious.  I need to go over to grandma and grandpa’s house to get a few more of our itty bitty baby toys out of their attic for you to play with. I think you’re almost ready!  You ALSO love to watch our ceiling fan in the living room go around and around. 

·       Today, you smiled for the very first time!  You had been sick with your very first cold, and after a long night daddy and I had you out in the living room for your morning nursing session. I had just finished feeding you and daddy was holding you—just talking to you and snuggling, and you were cooing back at him contentedly…when all of a sudden, you locked eyes with him, and gave him the SWEETEST grin complete with that precious little dimple. Daddy was so excited!!  I caught the whole thing from across the room and rushed over to see if you had a smile in there for mama too…but no such luck J  Already a daddy’s girl!

·       Along with your first smile, your first month also brought about the beginning of those sweet little baby coos.  You started cooing on your play mat a few days ago, and I caught a sweet video of it that I just love.  I was on the phone with daddy when you started, which was so special, because I was able to hold the phone down and let daddy hear you talk!  He loved it, and so did I!

·       In terms of your stats, you weigh 9 lbs 13 ounces, or just shy of 10 pounds, and were 21 inches long at your 2 week check up.  I’m not sure if you’ve grown more since then.  You’re wearing size 1 diapers (although we are using cloth diapers on that adorable little baby booty!) and 3 month clothes. I only had a chance to put you in newborn clothes for about a week!  Then we moved on to 0-3 month, but most of those have since been put away as well.  I’ve rotated in all your 3 month and some of your 3-6 month clothes.  You’re growing well, but it still amazes me that you are a full half pound less than your brother weighed at BIRTH.  I call you my peanut, but everyone is quick to remind me that you’re not a peanut…only when compared to your big brother J

·       You’ve met some very important people in your life this month, including all your grandparents, aunt and uncles, and sweet friends that are like family. Everyone adores you. 

·       Little lady, you’ve been to the doctor a lot this month!  We had to take you in several times in the first few weeks of your life to get your reflux under control.  Baby girl, your fountains of spit up were no joke.  I was just sure you couldn’t possibly be growing with everything that came back up after we were done nursing.  We started you on medication early, and just yesterday took you in to have your meds changed to hopefully see more of an improvement.  You’ve now had two doses of your new reflux meds, and we’ve been a HUGE improvement!!  We’re hopeful this will do the trick for you!  Even with the reflux issues, you’ve gained 8 ounces in 10 days, which keeps you solidly on your growth curve.  I’m just excited to see those fat rolls grow now that we’ve hopefully figured out how to keep more of that milk in your tummy!

·       You also had to go to the doctor this month for your very first cold.  This scared your mama more than I can say, to have my itty bitty 4 week old snotty and congested and struggling to breathe.  Just heartbreaking L  Daddy and I had been holding our breath for weeks, because daddy got sick the week you came home from the hospital and then Blake came down with a cold last week.  I even got a stuffy nose, which meant that 3 out of 4 of us had succumbed to the virus!  It was only a matter of time for you.  Luckily, you were the last to get sick, which gave you extra time to get that immune system working!  This is day two of your cold, and after giving us quite a few scares yesterday, today you are much happier and seem to be on the upswing!  Yahoo!

·       You take some great naps during the day.  You’ll generally cat nap in the car between 7-8 as we take daddy to work, and then you go down for your first real nap of the day between 10 and 10:15.  You’ll sleep for about two hours.  Then, after lunch you AND Blake will nap from about 1-3.  We pick up daddy from work at 4, and sometimes you’ll snooze in the car, and then it’s dinner and you go down for the night at 7.  Right now, we’re getting you up at 8:15 for a bath and then a final feeding before your bedtime at 8:30.  We’re thinking of switching that up a bit and moving your bath time up to around 7:30 so we can have you in bed by 8.  We’ll see!  So far, you seem to be very agreeable and very flexible as we tweak things in your schedule. 

Baby girl, I could go on and on about life with you, but really all you need to know is that you are loved every moment of every day.   You have been prayed for since long before you ever entered my womb, and we have loved the promise of you since God put that desire in our hearts many years ago.  Becoming your mama has been a journey I’ve been on my whole life, and it will take my whole life to complete it.  I pray every day that God will continue to mold me into the woman He intended me to be to raise you up into the woman He intended you to be.  You’re our bright light, Lainey girl, and more than that….you’re HIS bright light.  It’s the literal translation of your name, and it’s our most heartfelt prayer for your life.  Shine, sweet girl.  May nothing in this world ever put out the blazing light you were born with—the light that comes from being a daughter of the KING.  

We love you, Lainey Rose.  Our lives have been immeasurably blessed by the gift of you.  Here’s to your second month in the world!

Love always and forever,

Your Mama