Distraction

....that's exactly what this is.

The game is on, and my beloved Ducks are choking on a big, fat Arizona Sun Devil pitchfork.  I need to take a step back from the TV, breathe, and remind myself that this is just a game.
[Side note: My intensity over Duck football makes gets my husband excited.  He just looked at me in that way.  Ladies, you know what I mean.  Secret guy turn-on: having your girl scream at the TV and fist pump.  Who knew?]

[Sidenote x2: Darrin just threw an interception.  And Arizona scored again. Can it be halftime yet?]

Anyway.

This week has been pretty amazing, in so many different ways.  We have so many reasons to be thankful, and too many blessings to count.

Those of you who pay careful attention to my facebook wall may have noticed that Adam and I are excited about an upcoming appointment at OHSU on Wednesday.  We are meeting with our potential team of baby-makers.  We can't wait to sit down with them and talk about who we are and what we believe.  We can't wait to learn more about this process.  We feel like we're standing on the 10 yard line, and now all we need is one beautiful throw lobbed into the end zone to seal the deal (excuse the football metaphor, it's on the brain.)

[Sidenote: Duck touchdown! 3 point game.  Get it boys, get it.]

Our appointment is at 9:00, and will start with an hour-long meeting with our doctor.  He'll tell us about the IVF process, and we'll lay out for him exactly what we're comfortable with.  We'll tell him that we believe life begins at the moment of conception.  We'll tell him that we believe every life is precious.  We'll tell him we're coming back for every single baby we create.  That they will all get a chance at life.  That we believe they are our babies just waiting to be born.  We'll tell him that, no matter what, every baby put inside of me will be carried to term.  Period.

After that meeting, we'll be joined by an IVF Coordinator and an IVF Financial Adviser.  The coordinator, should we choose to continue in this process, would become our point-person.  Our main contact at OHSU.  The financial adviser will tell us just how much money it's going to cost us to make these babies.  Boy do we ever have a praise regarding financing IVF.  That'll be a story for another time.

[TOUCHDOWN!!!!! Ducks take the lead!!!!!!  See, you don't even need to watch the game! I got your back ;)]

When we leave OHSU on Wednesday, we should have a much better idea of what the future will look like.  If all goes well, we could be doing an IVF cycle as soon as October.  October.  If it works, we'll have an August 2011 baby.

I don't want to count my ducks before they hatch (there we go again...Ducks on the brain), but I'd be lying to say it doesn't get me excited.  I trust that God has already set His master plan for Breitenstein babies in motion, and I like to talk to Him about how excited I am for Him to reveal it.  I love the excitement I feel as we get closer to the big reveal, and I bet He does too.


This week we had an amazing God moment.  We had the opportunity to meet with a couple who has been there and done that when it comes to IVF.   We had the opportunity to share our fears, to hear their story, and to be incredibly uplifted and encouraged by their wisdom and insight.  Their passion for God, and for this God-given science, spoke to our hearts.  We felt God's presence so strongly in that moment, and we left in absolute awe.  Near the end of our time together, this dear couple led us in prayer, and there was one part that made little tears well up in my eyes:

"Lord, we pray that five years down the road Adam and Mandy will be sitting at their kitchen table, with their babies asleep in their beds, sharing their journey with another young couple facing the same questions that they face now."

Amen, Lord.

Our meeting reminded me of this verse, because our time with this amazing couple reminded me of why God wants us to have good, solid Christian friends to share your walk with. 

“Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.” (Proverbs 19:20)

I believe that once you turn the reigns of your life over to God for Him to fully handle, He will make sure that you get matched up with the right kind of people that you can become true God-friends with.  As iron sharpens iron...

We can only hope that this week sparked a new friendship that will last far into the future, as we both watch our babies--present and future--grow into young men and women who love the Lord.   Let it be, let it be!

[Um...Ducks turned over the ball, almost let Arizona get a touchdown (my heart almost stopped), and then intercepted it.  And then went 3 and out. Arghhhhhh!]

After such an amazing week where we could so clearly see God's hand guiding and leading, I find myself energized and excited.  I can't wait to see all that is in store.

The only bummer?  I caught my first cold of the school year (inevitable), and as I write this, I have two kleenex stuck up my nose (nice mental image, yes?).  I've probably used a good 25 in the time it's taken me to write this.  I considered taking a picture of the pile of used tissues just to prove my point, but thought better of it at the last moment.  Good call?

Until next time, and GO DUCKS!!
[Sorry, but you'll just have to turn on the game to see if we can pull of this win.  I say...we CAN!]

Love, love, and more love,
- A&M

It's a God thing

God is doing some huge (HUGE) things in our life right now.  I stand in absolute awe of His grace and mercy.  Prayers are being answered, needs are being met. God is leading (in a big way, with bright neon lights....clearly He heard my cries for my own personal burning bush) and we are so excited to follow. 

More to come.

"Though sorrow may last for a night, JOY comes with the morning"

Psalms 30:5

Things I Love

I've decided to blog this afternoon about some of the things I love.  Why?  Because there are a lot of them.  And because I want them to be a mere click away in my blog archives on days when I forget to be grateful for them. Valid reasons?  More than you know.  

I'm going to start with the most important.  My sweet, sweet husband.

This is my sweet, sweet husband doing the booty shake while burrowing his little feet deep into the sand at Lincoln City.  The squawk-ey (how on earth do you spell that) laughter in the background is me...and yes, I do realize I sound like a parrot.  My husband does a great impression of this laugh. 

This man is a gem.  Thank you Lord for sending me a man as goofy as I am.  You may think that's an exaggeration (especially if you know me and my goofy personality well) but I assure you it is true.  I offer up the following evidence:

See what I mean?  Total goof.  He will be such an amazing daddy.  Do you know we walk down the lego aisle everytime we go to Walmart?  And did you know that Adam picks out the sets (he is especially fond of Star Wars) he'll buy for our future sons?  I can't wait to watch him building legos on the carpet with our babies.  I just hope he shares. 

Another thing I love would be my amazing family and friends.  Such tremendous blessings, each and every one.   I can't even count the ways they have touched our lives.  We feel so blessed.

And because we are so blessed, I am going to bless you all with the goofiest pictures I can find of these wonderful people.  To those who are about to be featured: You're welcome in advance.  We love you!!!

Ah, perfect.  The Breitenstein brothers and the women who love them.  

(This is my wonderful brother-in-law and (future) sister-in-law)

This is the amazing, wonderful family that God blessed me with (admittedly not goofy, but I just love this picture)

This is much better.  Who knows what they're doing (?), but I love 'em!

My precious mama.  Everything I want to be as a mother is manifested in this woman.

And now, join me for a quick trip down memory lane......

Who is that darling little girl?  Gosh she's cute :)
(Love this picture of me and my daddy/hero)

Look at me sharing.  It's a good thing they gave me a purple umbrella, otherwise you might think I was a little boy. 

Look at us all grown up.  This is definitely a good look for us.
(Love my big brother/best friend!!)

And what is this?  Just a picture of some teachers I know.....

(These are my amazing friends who agreed to let me videotape them rapping and then show it to the whole school.  I'd say we are officially forever friends.)

Other things I love?  Fall days, 560 K-5 students who I'm blessed to know and work with five days a week, chai tea lattes on my way to work, 3 furry babies who give Adam and I a run for our money (can you say spoiled?), roses, long walks with my husband, dreaming of the future, newborn hands and feet, giggles, rain, the sand in between my toes, an amazing view of Creation, and.....

.....there's so much more.  I can't even begin to list them all, but I did save the very best for last.

The biggest love of my life is the most important: my Jesus.  While it's true that I don't have a picture I can post of Jesus making a monkey face, I DO have a clear picture of who He is written on my heart....and that's even better :)  When I get to heaven, I'll make sure and ask Him to give me His very best impression of a monkey.  Since He was the one who created them, I feel like my expectations should be quite high.  :)

Full Disclosure

We were up at OHSU yesterday for what (we thought) would be our go-ahead for triggering ovulation.  Unfortunately, what the ultrasound revealed wasn't what we were expecting.  There was no follicle.  No egg ready to be released.  The Clomid didn't work.

After talking with the doctor, and tears like you would not believe, we've arrived at the crossroads we never wanted to be at: After five months of Clomid, our doctor has informed us that the likelihood of success is decreasing at an alarming rate.

Apparently, Clomid has a 6-8% success rate, and most pregnancies that occur fall within the first 2 months of Clomid; 95% within the first 6 months.  This is our fourth month, and since it didn't work, we're now looking at five months and no baby.  Unfortunately, Clomid works by drying up cervical mucus fluids, and the longer you're on Clomid, the more hostile environment it creates for sperm.   That, coupled with the fact that Clomid has unexplainably not worked this month, and our doctor was saying the word we've been afraid of since day 1: In Vitro.

Basically, we are standing on the brink of a defining moment in our lives.  We are struggling with some very big decisions that are undeniably terrifying.  We want to be parents.  We can't give up the dream of a baby, but what path would God have us take into parenthood?  How do we honor Him? We want to walk each step IN step with Him.  We want our decisions to reflect our faith, to point back to His love, His grace, and His undeniable wisdom and goodness.  But what will that look like?  Which way do we go? Where's my burning bush, Lord? 

I don't have any answers.  All I have is a lot of questions.

Adam and I will be spending the next few weeks on bended knee.  Will you pray for us?  We are asking you to pray for wisdom, discernment, and courage to go where God leads.   We are asking you to pray that God just makes His plan for us abundantly clear, that we can see His hand as it works to create a path for us to walk.

This is uncharted territory for us.  We honestly never thought we'd be here.  I'm still struggling with the words to describe this place, what we're feeling, and the heartache that we feel.  And yet, there is a peace.  I can only explain it this way....

As we were driving out of the OHSU parking lot after hearing the news, this was literally the song that came on the radio as Adam turned the key in the ignition.



I started sobbing....it was like a dam broke in my soul.  And the tears weren't because of the heartache; they were because of the grace.  Because my God is so faithful to me.  Because my God put this song on the radio to speak to my heart.  To encourage me.  To show me He is in control.  And that gives me the strength to say, with all of my heart...

No matter what, I still love You.
And no matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I'll trust You.  
No matter what

Waiting in Expectation

Adam and I had our first visit of the month up at OHSU this weekend.  We'll be heading back Thursday morning for some definitive news, but so far we're looking consistent with where we've been in past months at this same point in my cycle.  That's good news, and we thank you in advance for your prayers over the next few days as we anticipate our next trip to OHSU.

Before heading home, we stopped by Tony's place in the Pearl and walked to The Daily Cafe with him (yummy) for a Sunday brunch.  It's always fun to spend time with my older brother, and this morning was no exception.  I wish more of our trips to OHSU could fall on a weekend so we'd be able to do that with him more often!!

After that, we made one quick stop by the mall to visit the Duck store (since we don't have one in Salem).  Adam and I each picked up one of these:

Go Ducks!  I spotted these little bad boys during a crowd shot of the game at Autzen last week, and wanted one.  Sadly, we don't have a Duck store in Salem, so I've been biding my time until we made a trip to either Eugene or Portland.  Now I'm all set for the game next week....which we have tickets to!!!

We made one other purchase at the Duck store, and I must say I'm pretty excited about it: 

Yes, those are baby booties, and no, I am not pregnant.  Yet.  But I will be.  Adam and I have been talking about waiting in expectation, and preparing our fields for the rain we believe God will send.  These baby booties are just one small way that we are stepping out in faith, proclaiming God's faithfulness, and standing firm in our belief that God hears us and His help is already on the way.  We also thought their symbolism was pretty spot on.  They represent where we've been (Adam grew up in Eugene, and we met as undergrads at the University of Oregon), and they represent where we're going (a journey into parenthood). 

Someday there will be newborn feet filling out these booties, and when we've finally reached that place in life, we'll remember back to today, to this season, and we will praise our Savior for His grace, for His faithfulness, and for His love.  What a sweet day that will be.  In the meantime, we wait.  And while we wait, we praise.  

"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalms 5:3

"Once there were two farmers who desperately needed rain & both of them prayed to God. But only one of them went out & prepared his field to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send a rain? God will send the rain when He's ready.  You just need to prepare your field to receive it. "

I leave you with a picture of our pug, Toby, after a brisk walk on a sunny afternoon.  As soon as we got home, he made a beeline for the air vent and collapsed on top of it; desperately trying to soak up all the air conditioning he could....

This just cracks me up!!!

Facing the Giants

Earlier tonight, Adam and I sat down to watch Facing the Giants. If you haven't seen it, the story is about a high school football team and their journey towards success as a team. It follows the head coach as he "faces the giants" on and off the field--off the field, he and his wife have been trying for four years to have a baby, and are dealing with the heartache of infertility. It's no secret why that struck home. On the field, the story is one of faith and redemption, of trusting in God and giving glory to Him despite the circumstances. I loved it. Yes, the acting was cheesy, but the message was clear. It spoke right to my heart.

I jotted down some quotes from the movie that I wanted to remember, and I'm going to share them (along with my own commentary).

I'm still clinging to a hope that one day we'll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met?

This quote made me cry. This is how I feel. My heart aches and longs for babies that I have never met. I miss them. I pray for them. I can't wait to hold them. I am already absolutely in love with the babies God has yet to bless me with; I can't even imagine what it will feel like to hold them in my arms.

In God's word He said 365 different times, "Do not fear." Now if He says it that many times, you know He's serious about it.

What a good reminder. Fear is my greatest enemy. I find so much comfort in knowing that God's message on the subject is so clear. I can hear him whispering to my heart "trust me".  In a trusting relationship with my Savior, fear has no roots. 

"If the Lord never gives us children, will you still love Him?”

Isn't that the question? This is the hardest question in our lives as believers; will we choose to love Him even when the answer is no? Will we choose to love Him when it hurts? It breaks my heart to imagine that being true for Adam and I, but my answer is still an unqualified yes. To God be the glory, now and forever. My life, this journey, everything I say and do--it's committed to my King. I trust Him. I know His plan for me is good.

Once there were two farmers who desperately needed rain & both of them prayed to God.
But only one of them went out & prepared his field to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send a rain? God will send the rain when He's ready.  You just need to prepare your field to receive it.

Amen.  Faith is being sure of what you hope for, and certain of what you do not see.  I know I quote that verse in Hebrews a lot, but I also know that God places it on my heart a lot as a reminder that I desperately need.  I need to prepare my field.  We are waiting in expectation and trusting that God.will.deliver. 

Revelations 3:7-8

The doors He opens no one can shut, and what He shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept My word and have not denied My name.

See You At The Pole 2010