Dear Tucker

Sweet Tucker,

Oh my little love.  Daddy and I always knew your life, even the promise of it, would be the most beautiful of all miracles….but we had no idea just how miraculous God’s plan for you truly would be.   The story of your life has begun with such an intricate and beautifully written plot-twist, and baby, we’re only in the introduction.

I can’t begin to put into words how present God has been throughout this story.  I remember the day that daddy first uttered your name…I remember the bright sunshine, his smile and laugh, your big sister just a few months old in the stroller and your big brother running along behind us as we walked along the path by our house.  Tucker, God whispered the promise of you years before this moment, and He wrote your name on our hearts…He grew you there for years before we would ever hold you in our arms.  It amazes me to think that it was always you.  It could never have been any other moment, despite my longing and pleading and heartache as I missed you.   Tucker, we serve such an intimate God.  We serve a God who knows us and desires a relationship with us that is so much more than anything we could ever hope to understand in our humanity.  We serve a God who walked daddy and I through the pain of missing you, tenderly wiping our tears because he knew it was for our good.  Baby, He knew!  Even when I couldn’t see, God knew that the miracle of you was meant for THIS moment.  His panoramic smashes my Polaroid every single time.   Because it’s always been you.

I write this today seven weeks pregnant.  Pregnant.  We found out the very day that we hosted our social worker to finalize the paperwork for our adoption home study.   So many people have asked me how I knew to take a test.  Part of my fertility struggles involve never knowing when to expect my cycle to start, and not having a cycle really isn’t anything new.  So what was it then? 

Tucker, truly, I just knew. 

We know now that I took that first test when I was just barely 3 weeks pregnant with you.  There was less than a 20% chance that the pregnancy hormone would be high enough at that point to even show up on a test….but it did.  God gave daddy and I the biggest, most beautiful surprise of our lives.  It was all Him.  I think the most beautiful part of this story was the excitement.  Tucker, God orchestrated these events with excitement.  He did!!  It reminds me of how I feel when I have a really, really good present for someone that I just know they’re going to love.  I literally can’t wait for them to open it—to see the surprise and excitement on their faces when they realize what I just handed them!  It was like that.  God took such care in this moment.   He knew how much we’d love the gift of you and He orchestrated each moment as a sweet surprise to our souls: His tender nudging to go out and buy a test, for no real reason, the night before, the faint line that popped up almost immediately…and that was just the beginning!! Later that day, I called your daddy at work, and when my name popped up on his phone….so did a picture of me when I was pregnant with your big brother Blake.  Daddy couldn’t believe it!  He hadn’t changed the photo and it hasn’t been that photo since…we still aren’t sure how to explain that little detail other than to say….God was excited about His gift.  He knew we’d love it.  He knew what He was giving to us and He knew it was, literally, everything we’d ever wanted.  I am in awe of a God that enters into that kind of relationship with us.   

The joy that we get brings joy to the heart of the Giver.

So now….here we are.  We got your first picture a week ago and heard the most beautiful sound in the world; your heartbeat.  There is nothing like knowing a tiny baby is growing inside of me, and with every beat of my heart….yours is thumping along in unison. 

Your brother and sister are beside themselves with excitement.  Blake enthusiastically greets you each morning, pressing his lips close to my belly, and tells you how much he loves you.  Lainey says your name in the sweetest two-year-old speak you’ve ever heard, talking all about her “baby Tuckwer” and all the toys she’ll share with you.   I can’t wait to see you all together. 

Oh Tucker, I can’t wait for you.

If this is the introduction….oh baby, you’d better believe I’m waiting in breathless anticipation as each new page of this story is written.  It’s going to be the adventure of your life.

All my love,

Your Mama